#cancer survival
As I sit across my mothers room as she is being injected with radiation before her pet scan a whole lot of emotions run through my mind. She has fought off breast cancer 3 years ago, had cancer moles removed, had a hysterectomy to assure ovarian cancer would not happen, had cancerous polyps removed during a colonoscopy. She looks scared, tells the nurse all about her grandchildren (my kids) and how proud she is of them. That’s the first time I witnessed her telling a complete stranger how much they make her happy and proud. My mother is a tough woman at times even seems cold but in that moment she is as just a proud grandmother with a will to live to watch them grow up. They just took her away for the pet scan and right when she was out of sight my mask filled up with tears. I held it in all morning, I made small talk about after Christmas sales, how much the gas prices went up I wanted to talk about anything besides what was happening today. Today we will know if there’s any cancerous masses anywhere in her body. Waiting is the worst part. First you wait for the appointment, then you want in the waiting room, then you wait for results, then you wait for treatment, wait to see if it worked. Cancer is one big waiting game. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, could care less if you smoke, drink, do drugs, if you are a good person or an ass. Cancer is determined and sneaky but good luck trying to take on my mom. I pray the scans are clear, for cancer’s sake.
Mother and daughter is the most sacred relationship. It’s fragile, difficult at times, rewarding and special. Or so it should be. My whole life I wanted a close relationship with my mom, I wanted it to be a friendship as I got older. I love my mother, she means the world to me but she can make it very hard at times to want to spend long periods of time with her. Comments about my weigh gain, the outfit I have on, my hair looked better blonde, my shoes were bought at target and all that can be covered in the first 3 minutes. Followed up by how I need to save money and travel through Europe, wear nicer clothes, cut my son’s hair and teach my kids Russian. If you didn’t get it by now my mom is for sure Russian. Growing up I felt loved but I never felt close to her. I never felt comfortable talking about boys or anything I was going though. My mom didn’t just skip over the sex conversation but she also never covered the menstrual cycle topic so when the time came, I was 11 crying inside a clothing store that I was bleeding no idea why. I don’t think she intentionally skipped those topics, I truly think she just didn’t know how to talk about it. I hope my daughter comes to me with problems, boy issues and anything else. I want to be the safe space for her. I know growing up I did not want to open up about a boy I liked I didn’t want to get in trouble or be judged. I felt so alone as a child and I would have to have my kids feel that. Communication is so important when raising kids. I want both kids to always feel like that they call us, talk to us about anything. Now that I am a mother myself I still struggle with the relationship with my mom. To this day I feel judgement, disappointment, lack of support when I talk to her about certain topics and I am that little girl all over again, the one that just wants her mom to be proud. Tomorrow morning I am going with my mom to get her pet scan of her whole body to see if she has cancer in any organs. She fought off breast cancer a few years back and most recently had a cancerous polyp removed which led us here. In situations like this all the hard times that I’ve had with my mother evaporate from my memory and only the good ones remain. The way she used to French braid my hair, the way she would rub my face when I was falling asleep. Her love of thrifting that she has passed on to me. Her inability to not cry to sad movies. Her love for the sun and being tan was also passed on to me. Her apple cake that she bakes at lease once a week. My mother is strong in many ways, the ways that allows her to win arguments, get out of a speeding ticket, get something on sale. But when it comes to Cancer- the strong opinionated woman becomes very small. I have to be her support. I have to keep her positive and not let her break down. She will not fall, she will not fail, she won’t give in, she will only rise!
