#parenthood

Normalize Public Breastfeeding

Digital illustration of a Black mother breastfeeding an infant. She appears as a goddess, and is shirtless aside from a sheer cape with constellations. The text reads, ‘normalize public breastfeeding.’

regurgitation-imminent:

karalynlovescake:

thatdiabolicalfeminist:

systlin:

dragon-in-a-fez:

a friend of mine is a science educator. not a classroom teacher - he does the kind of programs you see in museums, fun experiments with lasers and dry ice and shit.

yesterday, a young girl asked him why he was allowed to pour liquid nitrogen all over his own arm but he didn’t want her doing it. I braced myself for some dumb “well I’m an adult so I’m allowed” non-answer, but instead he surprised me by giving some of the best science (and life) advice I think you can give a young person:

“well, it’s one of those rules designed to keep you safe. and following the rules really can help you stay safe, but they’re not perfect. sometimes, usually because they’re too simple, the rules let you do things that aren’t safe, or don’t let you do things that aresafe if you know how to do them. one of the reasons I’m good at what I do as a scientist is I try to understand how things work so I can figure out my own rules for keeping myself safe. and sometimes my rules are little more complicated than what I might hear from other people, but they work better for me. like, I let myself play with liquid nitrogen, but only in really specific ways that I’ve spent time practicing. you should follow the rules you’re given at first, but if you take the time to understand how things work, maybe you can make your own, better rules.”

Iloved this response. it’s a great encapsulation of two really important things I think people need to learn and re-learn all the time: on the one hand, listen to genuine authority figures; when someone knows more than you about a subject, don’t treat their expertise as “just another opinion” and act like your ignorance is just as good as their knowledge. but on the other hand, don’t obey anything or anyone blindly. recognize that rules and systems and established ideas are never perfect. question things, educate yourself, question things more.

and then, of course, a parent had to butt in and spoil this wonderful lesson by saying:

“but not the rules mom comes up with!”

everyone in the room laughed. except me. I gave her a death glare I’m pretty sure she didn’t notice.

because no. no. your rules are not above reproach if you’re a parent. the thing about the dictates of genuineauthority figures - people who deserve to have power, and to have their positions respected - is that they are open to question.genuine authority figures are accountable. governments can be petitioned and protested and recalled. doctors must respect patients’ right to a second opinion. journalists have jobs terminated and credentials revoked if they fail to meet standards of integrity and diligence. scientists, to bring us back full circle, spend their entire careers trying to disprove their own hypotheses! you know who insists on being treated as infallible? megalomaniacal dictators, that’s who. oh, and parents.

I’m beyond sick and tired of this “my house my rules, this family is not a democracy, I want my child to think critically and stand up for themselves except to me ha ha” bullshit. my friend gave this kid the kind of advice that doesn’t just help people become good scientists - if enough people adopt the mentality he put forth to that girl, that’s the kind of advice that helps societies value knowledge and resist totalitarianism. and her mother shut it down because, what, she didn’t want to deal with the inconvenience of having someone question her edicts about whose job it is to wash the dishes on Mondays?

we already know you’re more likely to be a Trump supporter if you’re an authoritarian parent - and that this is a stronger predictor of your views on the current president than age, religiosity, gender, or race. I’ll say this another way in case you didn’t catch the full meaning: people who believe in the absolute, unquestionable authority of parents are more than two and a half times as likely to support Trump as people who don’t, and that’s just among Republicans. we can’t afford to treat the oppressive treatment of children or the injustice of ageist power structures in our society as a sideshow issue any longer. the mentality that parents should be treated by their children as beyond reproach and above dispute is a social cancer that has metastasized into the man currently trying to destroy the foundations of democracy in this country.

in short: parents, get the hell over yourselves before you get us all killed. and kids, learn as much as you can, and then make your own rules.

My mother is fond of quoting something that happened once at work (she’s the director of tourism for the neighboring county).

She was on the phone with my brother, who wanted to do something (I forget what, I think he wanted to go camping with some friends and she was worried it was going to be too cold that weekend or whatever)

And finally she got off the phone and sighed and said, joking, “When I taught them to question authority I must have laid it on thick, because now they’re questioning mine.”

And it got really quiet in the office. And then her secretary pipes up with “You taught your kids to question authority???”

Like she couldn’t believe that you would.

“You didn’t teach yours to?” Says mom, equally incredulous.

“No of course not!”

And mom says that right there in that moment she realized what was wrong with a huge part of the world.

Teach your kids to question, people.

For a short while as a child I had sanctuary from an abusive home in a lovely home with good parents. One of the things that completely shocked my taraumatized little soul was how deeply the adults respected children’s thoughts, feelings, needs and wants.

Whenever a kid thought something was unfair, the adult would ask why it felt unfair and talk to them about it. Sometimes the reason for the rule or decision was immovable, like, “this isn’t safe” or “this isn’t possible with the time we have and the responsibilities that fill it”, or “homework has to be done even if it’s boring, because it helps you practice skills you will need later on.”

In those cases, the rule wouldn’t change but the child would understand why it was a rule, and feel listened to and respected. And best of all, sometimes even if the rule didn’t change, an adult might help the child brainstorm ways to make it easier to follow the rule, or find alternatives to the thing they couldn’t have.

Sometimes, the rule or decision was for more flexible reasons, like “We can’t do this because you need supervision, and I have work to do which means I can’t supervise”, in which case a child’s suggestions, like, “What if I call a grandparent and see if they’re interested in supervising?” were encouraged and listened to. 

This taught the kids, me included, so much more than we ever could have learnt by being shut down by, “I’m an adult and I said so.” The system was designed to teach us to make good decisions and to give us as much information as possible about how to do that before we went out into the world. Teaching us the reasons for certain rules helped us respect them and to understand how to make good rules for ourselves going forward.

In my original household, the central rule was “Do whatever will keep you from getting hurt by the person with the most power.” From this we learned to make choices based solely on fear of consequences, no innate ethical system, so we learned to misbehave without getting caught.

We learned that if you can force someone to do something they don’t want to, you’re allowed to, because that’s how rules are decided, the most powerful person always gets their way.

We learned that asking questions of someone with power over you is dangerous and you have to figure everything out on your own. We learned to keep secrets about how badly we were hurt. There was no oppenness, no conversation, no negotiation or questions or teaching, just fear and hatred and a lot of pain.

Which household do you think taught me the best lessons, the ones I can use to build a healthy and responsible life for myself?

My older son (almost 8 now, god) said to me in a conversation this year, “You can say no to anyone, even grown ups,” and I almost cried with relief.

Just to go back to tdf’s bit:

“Whenever a kid thought something was unfair, the adult would ask why it felt unfair and talk to them about it. ”

Y'know, after I ran away from home, if an adult had started a conversation like that with me, I would’ve thought it was a trap and clammed up.

I’m not sure exactly what I think needs adding here, but there’s something about abusive parents training their children to not trust the absence of power abuse.

Babies and toddlers are smart and clever in nature. They learn fast and imitate actions easily. Once they know how their parents tick, they’ll use it to get what they want INNOCENTLY.

Maybe you’re newly diagnosed with Fibro, or ME, or EDS, or some other chronic condition that’s knocked you off your feet. You might be staring down the barrel of what life might look like for you now and wondering if you have to give up on your dreams of having a family. You might be wondering how on earth you will be able to keep up with your kids. Look, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Nobody can keep up with their kids. Not even the ableds can keep up with these little balls of dynamite. My kid is not even walking yet and she gets into everything. She tears around the house on her hands and knees and pulls herself up on stuff and chases the cat and everything a curious little child is supposed to be doing.

This is what baby proofing is for! She’s safe. She can explore all she wants. We have baby gates, the furniture is anchored. We don’t leave out stuff that would be unsafe for her and we make sure the floor is clean to reduce the amount of lint she shoves in her mouth. We have a open floor plan and I can keep an eye on her at times, even if it’s a bad pain day and I’m mostly parked on the couch. We read books and cuddle and talk and sorts of other wonderful things.

If you are thinking “I can’t take care of a kid, I can barely take care of myself,” I would say that’s a valid point, but not one that you can’t address. You will build coping skills and learn your way around your body’s needs and figure out work-arounds for all the things you need to do to lead a healthy, balanced life (whatever that means for you). It will take creativity. It’s a process, and one you should be undertaking anyway, whether you are planning for a family or not. And you don’t have to figure it ALL out before baby arrives. Life will always be a work in progress. 

My kid is still little. I know there will be new challenges. But think back. If you had a good parent, what was it that made them a good a parent? I promise you it wasn’t “My mom climbed mountains and ran around with me at the park.” It was “My mom held me when I cried. She supported me. She believed me when I needed her to. She was patient and fair and encouraging. She sat (sat!) in the front row at all my dance recitals.” And if you had a painful childhood, these were probably the things that were missing.

Also keep in mind, you will probably have help. We all want to believe that we will start a family with a supportive partner that sticks around, and I definitely recommend it if that’s possible. But other types of families exist. Maybe it’s you, sometimes your ex-partner, and a supportive grandparent. Maybe it’s you and a close friend your kid takes to calling “auntie.” Support makes a big difference and it’s ok to say yes to the help that’s out there.

Another thing I wish someone had told me before having kids: they don’t just take energy from you, they give you energy back. Loving my daughter is the most energizing thing in the world. I am filled with joy every time she looks at me. I would do anything for her. If your baby needs you, you will dust off the old stash of spoons you didn’t even know you had.

Low spoon day? Still have to be a functional parent? Here’s some ways to entertain your little one when you feel like shit and have to save your energy for diaper changes. My kid is only 9 months old so these are mostly aimed her age and younger but lots of them can be adapted to older kids as well.

1. Sing. When I was recovering from childbirth and couldn’t do much physically I bonded with baby by singing. She’s older now and still loves it when I sing to her. She even dances. Sometimes I do little hand motions for the “itsy-bitsy spider” or “I’m a little teapot” folk songs from my couch perch.

2. Peek-a-boo. This is good for child development via object permanence. Hide under a blanket and then pop out.

3. Talk and snuggle.

4. Read books together. The more new words a baby hears, the better for their budding language skills. Books introduce not just stories, but bonding time, pictures, and object interaction. I use board books because my child is very grabby and destructive.

5. Watch cartoons and cuddle. When you hear you should keep kids away from screen time, the most important reason for that is that it is non-interactive. I believe there is nothing wrong with screen time (in moderation) if it is interactive. Tell the kid what they are seeing, explain the show. Ask them what they like about the characters, even if they can’t answer you yet.

6. Lay on the floor and let the kid interact with you. You don’t have to move around a whole lot to stack blocks or play with plushies or roll a ball around.

7. Bath time. Sometimes I need to soak my sore muscles, so kill two birds with one stone and wash the kid at the same time. Make this into a fun activity with bath toys and playful splashing. (This is best for kids old enough to sit up independently; I bathed her in her infant bath by herself before she was old enough for joint bath time).

8. Just show the kid all the things you are doing and narrate yourself. Babies are fascinated by you.

Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms

By: Mari Okada (writer of AnoHana)

One hell of an emotional ride…

Happy New Year! Hopefully, you’ve been enjoying your local climate, flora, and fauna whenever you can. I hope you’ve also been participating in #FieldNotesFriday, but if you haven’t, consider this entry a little nudge of encouragement. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to take myself and my son out on a trail at least once a week. I started things off right by visiting one of my favorite trails…

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Super strict parents are only useful for learning how to lie.

Having a daughter is like having a built in bestie! 10/10 recommend

Anyone else just want to quit their job and just drive? Maybe to Canada? Or better yet Mexico? I need the sun and sand on my toes.

Life has a funny way of throwing you off track and keeping you on your toes. On our way home from the hospital my mother and I got rear ended by a truck. My glasses fell off my head from the impact and flew into the back seat. I had to hold the phone so close to my face to dial 911 because I couldn’t see. As if today already didn’t suck enough having my mom’s pet scan for cancer god just wanted to add this to the plate. My mother and I were both shaking, our bodies are in pain. The car was drivable so we drove to the hospital. We sat there for hours, thank you covid. The waiting room was full to the max, people were sleeping on the floor. We gave up and left. Lessons learned today- life challenges us at all times, I have to let go of things I can’t control, it’s better to roll with the punches. Keeping fingers crossed that my moms scans come back clean. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

As I sit across my mothers room as she is being injected with radiation before her pet scan a whole lot of emotions run through my mind. She has fought off breast cancer 3 years ago, had cancer moles removed, had a hysterectomy to assure ovarian cancer would not happen, had cancerous polyps removed during a colonoscopy. She looks scared, tells the nurse all about her grandchildren (my kids) and how proud she is of them. That’s the first time I witnessed her telling a complete stranger how much they make her happy and proud. My mother is a tough woman at times even seems cold but in that moment she is as just a proud grandmother with a will to live to watch them grow up. They just took her away for the pet scan and right when she was out of sight my mask filled up with tears. I held it in all morning, I made small talk about after Christmas sales, how much the gas prices went up I wanted to talk about anything besides what was happening today. Today we will know if there’s any cancerous masses anywhere in her body. Waiting is the worst part. First you wait for the appointment, then you want in the waiting room, then you wait for results, then you wait for treatment, wait to see if it worked. Cancer is one big waiting game. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, could care less if you smoke, drink, do drugs, if you are a good person or an ass. Cancer is determined and sneaky but good luck trying to take on my mom. I pray the scans are clear, for cancer’s sake.

One thing is for certain no matter how old you get the mom that you have will still be your mom. The one that gave you life and at one point was the most important person in your life. As you grow, get siblings, friends, boyfriends, husband eventually kids your mom is still your mom. The one that created you, loved you beyond measure and would die for you. Yesterday I witnessed a mother’s heart get broken when her oldest daughter (who is herself a grandmother) said she’s too tired to stop by on Christmas. The mother who’s heart I saw break is my mother in law. When I say she’s the most kind, giving gentle person I have ever met it’s not me trying to earn brownie points for being her favorite daughter in law (I already am). She cooked all day, had all the gifts wrapped weeks ago and got a lame excuse from her oldest daughter. I could feel her pain. It made me realize that no matter what my relationship is with my mom the days that I cancel or don’t have the time she must have the same look on her face. I wish I could take the pain away or make it alright somehow but moments like that burn a memory in your head and not a good one. No matter how fun yesterday was, no matter how excited the kids were I know a mother’s heart was breaking. It’s the smallest things that us as kids can do that could mean the world to our parents. So let’s do better.

Mother and daughter is the most sacred relationship. It’s fragile, difficult at times, rewarding and special. Or so it should be. My whole life I wanted a close relationship with my mom, I wanted it to be a friendship as I got older. I love my mother, she means the world to me but she can make it very hard at times to want to spend long periods of time with her. Comments about my weigh gain, the outfit I have on, my hair looked better blonde, my shoes were bought at target and all that can be covered in the first 3 minutes. Followed up by how I need to save money and travel through Europe, wear nicer clothes, cut my son’s hair and teach my kids Russian. If you didn’t get it by now my mom is for sure Russian. Growing up I felt loved but I never felt close to her. I never felt comfortable talking about boys or anything I was going though. My mom didn’t just skip over the sex conversation but she also never covered the menstrual cycle topic so when the time came, I was 11 crying inside a clothing store that I was bleeding no idea why. I don’t think she intentionally skipped those topics, I truly think she just didn’t know how to talk about it. I hope my daughter comes to me with problems, boy issues and anything else. I want to be the safe space for her. I know growing up I did not want to open up about a boy I liked I didn’t want to get in trouble or be judged. I felt so alone as a child and I would have to have my kids feel that. Communication is so important when raising kids. I want both kids to always feel like that they call us, talk to us about anything. Now that I am a mother myself I still struggle with the relationship with my mom. To this day I feel judgement, disappointment, lack of support when I talk to her about certain topics and I am that little girl all over again, the one that just wants her mom to be proud. Tomorrow morning I am going with my mom to get her pet scan of her whole body to see if she has cancer in any organs. She fought off breast cancer a few years back and most recently had a cancerous polyp removed which led us here. In situations like this all the hard times that I’ve had with my mother evaporate from my memory and only the good ones remain. The way she used to French braid my hair, the way she would rub my face when I was falling asleep. Her love of thrifting that she has passed on to me. Her inability to not cry to sad movies. Her love for the sun and being tan was also passed on to me. Her apple cake that she bakes at lease once a week. My mother is strong in many ways, the ways that allows her to win arguments, get out of a speeding ticket, get something on sale. But when it comes to Cancer- the strong opinionated woman becomes very small. I have to be her support. I have to keep her positive and not let her break down. She will not fall, she will not fail, she won’t give in, she will only rise!

As I sit here in the morning of Christmas Eve, tired from wrapping and making sure I’m not forgetting somethings I reflect on my childhood and how growing up it was such a magical time. As I got older the magic faded until I had kids. Having them brings me right back to that little girl that believed and wrote letters to Santa. Going to sleep on Christmas Eve with butterflies in my tummy forcing myself to fall asleep just so he comes. My parents would get one big gift that I really wanted and a few small ones. I didn’t grow up with a whole living room floor covered with presents like my husband. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because that’s all I knew, I also knew that my parents loved to travel and would take me along. I got to experience different cultures from a young age and those memories can’t be wrapped under the tree. As kids get older my husband and I think we will do the same. Making memories with our kids as a family even if it’s just getting dinner at a restaurant will go a long way. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas Eve, don’t forget to leave your cookies and milk out for Santa. The money spent, the hours of wrapping will all be worth it when you see that sparkle in their eye!