#motherhood mom
As I sit across my mothers room as she is being injected with radiation before her pet scan a whole lot of emotions run through my mind. She has fought off breast cancer 3 years ago, had cancer moles removed, had a hysterectomy to assure ovarian cancer would not happen, had cancerous polyps removed during a colonoscopy. She looks scared, tells the nurse all about her grandchildren (my kids) and how proud she is of them. That’s the first time I witnessed her telling a complete stranger how much they make her happy and proud. My mother is a tough woman at times even seems cold but in that moment she is as just a proud grandmother with a will to live to watch them grow up. They just took her away for the pet scan and right when she was out of sight my mask filled up with tears. I held it in all morning, I made small talk about after Christmas sales, how much the gas prices went up I wanted to talk about anything besides what was happening today. Today we will know if there’s any cancerous masses anywhere in her body. Waiting is the worst part. First you wait for the appointment, then you want in the waiting room, then you wait for results, then you wait for treatment, wait to see if it worked. Cancer is one big waiting game. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, could care less if you smoke, drink, do drugs, if you are a good person or an ass. Cancer is determined and sneaky but good luck trying to take on my mom. I pray the scans are clear, for cancer’s sake.
It’s 5pm on a Sunday night and I have to go back to work tomorrow. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. This past week flew by so fast, I loved not have to wake up in a rush to get my son ready for school and to make myself look half decent. So dreading tomorrow where my life goes back to Chaos management. My work gives me so much anxiety, It’s been very clear lately that they are using me for my ideas and actually hired a girl who’s job is to copy the marketing that I do for my company. I feel like there’s no room to grow and most of all I feel stuck. I am good at my job, I take pride in it but lately I’ve lost all of my drive and feel like I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I know what’s going to happen tomorrow I will wake up, I will get my son ready and drop him off at school and I will go to work. By Tuesday I will be back in the swing of things and hating life again. I feel like after vacation you need something to look forward to just to keep going. I do have a business trip in March ( for a job I’m not happy at) lol. Ok no more negativity, this is 2022. New year, new me with all the same problems. I will do my best to be in the moment and really enjoy life, focus on the positives. I started a new face washing/toner routine to make myself look like I’m 22 ( haha not 34). Also hopefully I’ll be saying goodbye to some pounds, I have been drinking giant jug of water everyday. It’s funny how New Years forces people to take a hard look at themselves and see what they are not happy with. I also read somewhere that dressing better forces you to look at yourself in a better light. I’m going to start trying to not look like I just rolled out of bed in 2022. I also got some turtlenecks because I think that’s going to be a go to top this year. Last time I wore a turtleneck was in 6th grade, I felt suffocated the whole time. Wish me luck. So the new Kate will arrive to work tomorrow, with shiny skin from all the crap that I’m using to look like I am 22, with a coffee in one hand, giant water jug in the other wearing a turtleneck. I will also have my new work tote with my new 2022 planner in it, that I am going to force myself to use and not stop by February like all the others. Positive, only positive thoughts. Wish me luck. 01/02/21
