Having a daughter is like having a built in bestie! 10/10 recommend

Anyone else just want to quit their job and just drive? Maybe to Canada? Or better yet Mexico? I need the sun and sand on my toes.

Life has a funny way of throwing you off track and keeping you on your toes. On our way home from the hospital my mother and I got rear ended by a truck. My glasses fell off my head from the impact and flew into the back seat. I had to hold the phone so close to my face to dial 911 because I couldn’t see. As if today already didn’t suck enough having my mom’s pet scan for cancer god just wanted to add this to the plate. My mother and I were both shaking, our bodies are in pain. The car was drivable so we drove to the hospital. We sat there for hours, thank you covid. The waiting room was full to the max, people were sleeping on the floor. We gave up and left. Lessons learned today- life challenges us at all times, I have to let go of things I can’t control, it’s better to roll with the punches. Keeping fingers crossed that my moms scans come back clean. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

As I sit across my mothers room as she is being injected with radiation before her pet scan a whole lot of emotions run through my mind. She has fought off breast cancer 3 years ago, had cancer moles removed, had a hysterectomy to assure ovarian cancer would not happen, had cancerous polyps removed during a colonoscopy. She looks scared, tells the nurse all about her grandchildren (my kids) and how proud she is of them. That’s the first time I witnessed her telling a complete stranger how much they make her happy and proud. My mother is a tough woman at times even seems cold but in that moment she is as just a proud grandmother with a will to live to watch them grow up. They just took her away for the pet scan and right when she was out of sight my mask filled up with tears. I held it in all morning, I made small talk about after Christmas sales, how much the gas prices went up I wanted to talk about anything besides what was happening today. Today we will know if there’s any cancerous masses anywhere in her body. Waiting is the worst part. First you wait for the appointment, then you want in the waiting room, then you wait for results, then you wait for treatment, wait to see if it worked. Cancer is one big waiting game. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, could care less if you smoke, drink, do drugs, if you are a good person or an ass. Cancer is determined and sneaky but good luck trying to take on my mom. I pray the scans are clear, for cancer’s sake.

One thing is for certain no matter how old you get the mom that you have will still be your mom. The one that gave you life and at one point was the most important person in your life. As you grow, get siblings, friends, boyfriends, husband eventually kids your mom is still your mom. The one that created you, loved you beyond measure and would die for you. Yesterday I witnessed a mother’s heart get broken when her oldest daughter (who is herself a grandmother) said she’s too tired to stop by on Christmas. The mother who’s heart I saw break is my mother in law. When I say she’s the most kind, giving gentle person I have ever met it’s not me trying to earn brownie points for being her favorite daughter in law (I already am). She cooked all day, had all the gifts wrapped weeks ago and got a lame excuse from her oldest daughter. I could feel her pain. It made me realize that no matter what my relationship is with my mom the days that I cancel or don’t have the time she must have the same look on her face. I wish I could take the pain away or make it alright somehow but moments like that burn a memory in your head and not a good one. No matter how fun yesterday was, no matter how excited the kids were I know a mother’s heart was breaking. It’s the smallest things that us as kids can do that could mean the world to our parents. So let’s do better.

Mother and daughter is the most sacred relationship. It’s fragile, difficult at times, rewarding and special. Or so it should be. My whole life I wanted a close relationship with my mom, I wanted it to be a friendship as I got older. I love my mother, she means the world to me but she can make it very hard at times to want to spend long periods of time with her. Comments about my weigh gain, the outfit I have on, my hair looked better blonde, my shoes were bought at target and all that can be covered in the first 3 minutes. Followed up by how I need to save money and travel through Europe, wear nicer clothes, cut my son’s hair and teach my kids Russian. If you didn’t get it by now my mom is for sure Russian. Growing up I felt loved but I never felt close to her. I never felt comfortable talking about boys or anything I was going though. My mom didn’t just skip over the sex conversation but she also never covered the menstrual cycle topic so when the time came, I was 11 crying inside a clothing store that I was bleeding no idea why. I don’t think she intentionally skipped those topics, I truly think she just didn’t know how to talk about it. I hope my daughter comes to me with problems, boy issues and anything else. I want to be the safe space for her. I know growing up I did not want to open up about a boy I liked I didn’t want to get in trouble or be judged. I felt so alone as a child and I would have to have my kids feel that. Communication is so important when raising kids. I want both kids to always feel like that they call us, talk to us about anything. Now that I am a mother myself I still struggle with the relationship with my mom. To this day I feel judgement, disappointment, lack of support when I talk to her about certain topics and I am that little girl all over again, the one that just wants her mom to be proud. Tomorrow morning I am going with my mom to get her pet scan of her whole body to see if she has cancer in any organs. She fought off breast cancer a few years back and most recently had a cancerous polyp removed which led us here. In situations like this all the hard times that I’ve had with my mother evaporate from my memory and only the good ones remain. The way she used to French braid my hair, the way she would rub my face when I was falling asleep. Her love of thrifting that she has passed on to me. Her inability to not cry to sad movies. Her love for the sun and being tan was also passed on to me. Her apple cake that she bakes at lease once a week. My mother is strong in many ways, the ways that allows her to win arguments, get out of a speeding ticket, get something on sale. But when it comes to Cancer- the strong opinionated woman becomes very small. I have to be her support. I have to keep her positive and not let her break down. She will not fall, she will not fail, she won’t give in, she will only rise!

Enjoying the calm before the storm tomorrow. I expect there to be lots of screaming, box throwing and floor covered in wrapping paper!

As I sit here in the morning of Christmas Eve, tired from wrapping and making sure I’m not forgetting somethings I reflect on my childhood and how growing up it was such a magical time. As I got older the magic faded until I had kids. Having them brings me right back to that little girl that believed and wrote letters to Santa. Going to sleep on Christmas Eve with butterflies in my tummy forcing myself to fall asleep just so he comes. My parents would get one big gift that I really wanted and a few small ones. I didn’t grow up with a whole living room floor covered with presents like my husband. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because that’s all I knew, I also knew that my parents loved to travel and would take me along. I got to experience different cultures from a young age and those memories can’t be wrapped under the tree. As kids get older my husband and I think we will do the same. Making memories with our kids as a family even if it’s just getting dinner at a restaurant will go a long way. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas Eve, don’t forget to leave your cookies and milk out for Santa. The money spent, the hours of wrapping will all be worth it when you see that sparkle in their eye!

lonely

I know it’s been a while.

Have you ever felt alone but yet around people? I think being a mother has really opened my eyes to how lonely you can feel in a room full of people. From the moment my son was born, the world as i knew it changed. I am a working mom of 2, I am involved heavily with my son’s school ( I am the PTO president- don’t hold it against me), i am the one that tucks them in at night, the one that does their laundry, folds it, cleans their room, cooks all meals, drives to and from sports. I have a husband, he’s a great dad- a wonderful dad. The one that motivates you to be the best and makes you feel so safe and protected. But when I am home I am the only parent that kids go to for EVERYTHING. After working all day at a job I’m not happy with and then having to do all house chores, cooking, bath time, bed time I am so exhausted. I am lonely but yet I never have time to myself, my 4 year old daughter is in the bathroom with me when I pee. I love my kids with everything that I am and I have loved my husband since I was 15. My family is the one thing I know I did right in this world. I just want to know if other mothers feel the same out there. I carry an insane amount of guilt with me that I feel this way. I think us moms should have a timeout time a few times a year. Where we can do what we want for a few hours. Even if it’s just sit in a parking lot and cry- only moms would understand. Sometimes motherhood throws us a curveball, kid spills milk on the new rug, kid walks into a wall has a huge lump, you forgot it was pajama day at school, you can’t find the 2nd shoe, you made a bowl of the wrong cereal. I know we’ve all been there. My goal in life is for my kids to grow up to be successful, kind, compassionate people. I wish that when they look back on their childhood they’ll say “mom did good” they will remember the Halloween costumes that I made from scratch, the crazy birthday parties that I poured my heart and soul to, the hugs and never ending kisses. I know this lonely feeling will pass at least I hope it does. Mental health is funny like that, no matter what you have going on in your head or what you are going though, life is still happening around you. Kids are getting bigger, memories are being made. Life goes on and I want nothing more than to be able to enjoy it and actually live. 

This is 32.

My life lessons

With my 32nd birthday being just around the corner, here are 32 things that I learned so far.

1. Travel as much as you can.

2. It is ok to marry your high school sweetheart.

3. Apologize only when you mean it.

4. Spend time with your family.

5. Kids really do grow up way too fast.

6. Always say I love you before you hang up the phone.

7. It is ok not to know what you want to be when you grow up.

8. Collect memories not things.

9. Dry shampoo is a miracle worker.

10. It is ok to like cancelled plans.

11. Always start your day with a coffee.

12. Painted toes say a lot about a woman, so do chipped nails (lesson from my father in law)

13. Take a mental health day when you need it.

14. It’s okay to cry for no reason.

15. Always wear comfortable shoes.

16. Moms should encourage each other instead of judging, we are all just trying to survive motherhood.

17. Leggings should not be considered pants.

18. Learn how to cook even if it’s boxed mac and cheese.

19. You don’t have to win every argument, agree to disagree.

20. Laughter really is the best medicine.

21. Toddlers are like stalkers that live with you.

22. Be on time.

23. True friends become family.

24. Don’t stress out about the little things.

25. Some people are just assholes.

26. Try something new.

27. Believe in miracles.

28. Your mom was right about so many things.

29. You can become whatever you want to be.

30. Don’t believe everything you see on social media.

31. Stand up for yourself and things you believe in.

32. The best is yet to come.

Mother’s Day

In spirit of Mother’s Day I thought I would share my experience of having a second baby. How could I possibly love another child as much as I already loved my son. I wasn’t sure that I had any room in my heart. What I didn’t know is that I didn’t have to make room, my heart stretched to have not just some but the exact amount of love for my daughter as I already did for my son. My son will always hold a special place in my heart since he’s the one that made me a mama but I even though my daughter is not even 2 yet I can’t remember life without her. She’s been the perfect addition to our family. I’m not perfect, I don’t have my shit together but when I look at my kids and see how much they love each other I know I did something right and I feel blessed. Happy Mother’s day to all the mamas! Also the picture below was taken the day after I had an emergency c section and I’m so bloated from fluids I don’t even look like myself, but hey that’s real life!

Recently I came across an instagram account of a mother who is going through the worst possible thing that could happen. She just lost her beautiful little girl. Being a mother myself and recently going through the pain of having sick child and feeling helpless her story hit home. My daughter has recovered from her surgery and I thank god everyday for my 2 healthy kids. I know I take a lot of things for granted and rarely stop, look around and appreciate what I do have. I complain about things that don’t matter and get upset about small things that mean nothing in the end. Seeing the pain that poor mother is going through makes me hold my babies longer and tighter. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child and I hope I never do but watching her journey has opened my eyes to be more in the moment. Kids are only going to be little once and I need to be more involved. I use the fact that I am a working mom so much as an excuse to not build legos when I come home or play or board game. “I’m tired" "I’ve had a long day" are my responses when I get asked to play a game. This is the time that I need to cherish because before I know it they won’t want to play with mom. I am making a promise to myself to be more involved, to even when I’m tired from working all week or stressed out I’m going to put my kids first. I want them to grow up and know that they are the most special people in my life. To the mom who just lost her baby- I have no words, I am just so sorry. 

I was wrong before…

Motherhood………… when I started this blog I had a list of all the hard things about motherhood. Like lack of sleep, privacy, freedom, alone time but i was wrong. The hard list consists of just one thing, a sick baby. I learned that the hard way. My happy little girl had a lump on the side of her neck. We took her to the ER and after lots of tests, procedures and IV’s were told that she has an infection in her lymph node and would need surgery. I held her while she fell asleep in my arms and then prayed the whole time she was in surgery. The doctors assured us that surgery went well. It was the longest hour of my life. That is the hardest thing about motherhood, I had it all wrong before. I complained about not being able to pee without someone starring at me or have a meal without an interruption. I thought that my C-section was the worst pain I have ever felt but it doesn’t even come close to the pain that I had when she was in surgery. 4 nights with no sleep, no shower, 27 cups of coffee, same clothes they let us take her home. The anxiety that I have been dealing with is hard to describe. Last night I had a panic attack and had to leave the house for a little bit. Being a mother of course I went to Target. Walked the isles, looked at stuff that I can’t afford or need, got my 28th coffee and went home. My daughter is 1 and she knew that mama was upset so she put her little hands over my cheeks and gently kissed my nose, If only I could freeze time.

can you help?

More times than not I find myself feeling like I am not good enough. When good things happen instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what is going to go wrong because it’s too good to be true. Because of my stress and anxiety I don’t fully enjoy any moment and I feel like I am just letting these special years of my life pass me by. I can’t be the only person to feel this way. I want to be a happy person, I want to not start worrying about what’s to come next month today. Anyone out there, if you feel this please share what works for you. I feel like I am drowning.

5/27/2022

stars and stripes

I want to live in a world where I can go to the store and not worry that a string will be tied to my car door handle, where my kids can play outside until the sun goes down without a worry, where no kid is scared to go to school because of watching the recent news. I want to be proud of this country that we live in. I want there to be a leader in place that kids would want to be when they grow up and respect. I want everyone to respect the flag and honor the men and women that sacrificed their life for it. At the end of the day it does not matter if you voted democrat or republican you are American. Violence and hatred needs to stop, riots, Covid, Ukraine, school shootings haven’t we seen enough death? I was at dollar tree the other day and saw a group of soldiers in uniform, I thanked them for their service. My son was with me and asked me if I knew them. I said no, but they are the reason we can go and shop at a store and me thanking them is the least I could do. So let’s raise our kids to respect the military, people in uniform and most of all our flag.

5/26/2022

to MOMS

At the end of each day ask your child what was their favorite part. Trust me the answers will not only shock you but will put your whole life in perspective. What seems irrelevant to us might be the most special thing for your child that day. We tend to run on autopilot between jobs, sports, homework, laundry, meals. Life is hectic, stressful and complicated which is why asking your child what was their favorite part of that day is so special. I ask my kids and you know what they usually say? Some of our usual answers are being outside, drawing a picture, making a paper airplane, watching wheel of fortune, cooking, soccer- all very simple answers. Again, it’s amazing to see how something as little as making a paper airplane was what they took away as the best memory of that day. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs no one can train you for. There is no book, cheat sheet, no orientation although I wish there was. Everything you do affects them, every step you take they are watching you- especially when you are in the bathroom. Nothing like having your 5 year old daughter announce to the whole baseball field that her mom has a tattoo on the butt cheek (true story unfortunately). So please carve out 3 min out of your crazy day each day and simply ask “ what was your favorite part of today?” and prepare to be amazed. Always remember you are doing what you can, they are little once. You got this mama!

Last week I did what I should have done years ago and took my life back. I gave my toxic job of 6 years my 2 week notice. I have given it my all in the last 6 years, stayed late, came in early, worked weekends, worked off the clock, grew the company. All that did not matter in the end, I gave my 2 weeks and they couldn’t do the same. I was asked to leave before completing my 2 weeks. If I already didn’t have my mind made up this would have been a final nail in the coffin. I’m moving on to a better job with more money and better benefits but I still feel hurt by how it ended at a job that I gave my last 6 years to. I didn’t even get a thank you. I was tossed out like a piece of trash, you know why? Because I learned my value. I saw what I’ve done, I saw all the extra jobs that I took on with no extra pay. I saw people doing 1/10 of the work making double. The extra things I took on to be a “team player” became and expectation and part of my job. Other people used me as a resource to help them grow while I was stagnant. I’m one of those people that likes being challenged, I love figuring things out and working towards a goal. When I stopped learning, I felt stuck. A local competitor company reached out to me, saw my potential, listened to what I was looking for in my next role and invested in me. After many interviews with different companies this just felt right. It was like a breath of fresh air feeling appreciated and heard. I’m taking away many lessons from my job that I’m leaving. I learned that I do have tough skin after all. Working in the construction industry I’ve been told that you can’t be a “wall flower”. I was tough when I had to be and compassionate when someone needed it. The friendships I’ve made I’m taking with me. I learned that I need to be respected and appreciated sounds crazy that my recent role didn’t come with that. I learned that company culture outweighs just about anything and in order for any company to be successful and grow taking care of current employees is the only way to get there. The biggest lesson I’m walking away with is that I now know my value and I will never again sell myself short. Here’s to new beginnings! 4/8/22

8

In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn’t fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I’m 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22

be kind

I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22