I recently just had a friend from my past reach out to me. He’s not just any friend…..he has been there through some of the toughest times of my life. He has always remained genuine and reserved through out the years. We both have moved on since, but I guess we have always stayed in eachother’s minds throughout the years. He recently just told me that he has had feelings for me for 14 years. I can say that there have been some feelings there for him as well, but that comes from the significant history that we have been through together. He lives hours away, states away, so I’m not sure why everything has came up now. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
After nearly 6 months of trying to figure out what him and I were, I just felt stuck and frustrated. My head was spinning from so many questions, and wondering why he kept hanging out with me, spending so much money on me, but didn’t want anything. So I decided to sit down and talk to him one last time. I had one final question for him, and that was “what do you want out of this?” I sat down and talked to him and told him how I felt and I asked him what he wanted. His reply was that he didn’t know what he wanted and that he felt he had walls up. He didn’t know when they would come down, or if they would ever come down. My heart sank. I had invested so much I felt like, and that was the only thing that he could give me back. I decided to let him go. I just couldn’t hang around waiting for someone to maybe feel something for me someday. It was hard for me to do because I felt so let down, and I had so many questions. Why couldn’t he like me? I thought I was good to him. Why couldn’t he just try to let me in? These questions would never be answered.
Once of the things I used to struggle with was understanding why a guy dumped me. I thought I was independent enough, nice enough, etc., but I wanted answers. The truth is that we may never know why someone decided to break up or walk away from us, but finding individual closure is the best way to heal. Through the course of dating, I have been lied to many times with many excuses of why they couldn’t date me anymore. My favorite break up line was “you are so amazing and such a sweet person. It’s not you, its me”. I used to let it bother me, but then I realized that it was never about me and that I am a good person. I learned that focusing on myself and the things that I enjoyed to do was the best way for me to heal. Having an understanding that I am beautiful inside and out, and that I tried my best is what I focused on. What are some ways that you have pulled through a break up?
After he met the family he said that they were all great. I didn’t bring anything up for a couple of weeks because I thought maybe he just needed to process everything since it was new. We went out to dinner and he met my son, so I thought maybe I would bring it up after that. We sat down and talked after dinner, and he never had really brought up his past or anything very private about himself, but he brought up his ex that night and had mentioned just a couple of things. IT was not enough to really make me feel like he was opening up to me. We then talked about us, and he said he was comfortable where we were and still wanted to see where things would go. I just wanted to scream on the inside. It had been 5 months already! In my head I was thinking he should know if he likes me or not, he should know if he wants to be with me, and he should definitely know if he wants me to date other people or not. I felt so stuck. What was I supposed to do? I felt strung along.
This is a continuation from my last blog. Jack and I had a conversation about three months after we started dating about where we were at in our relationship. I had met his friends and his colleagues. I had been introduced to the music industry, and I thought he was really into me. I on the other hand had not really let him into my life yet, because I have been so hurt in the past. I figured I would let him into my life when I knew he would be around a while versus me letting him in and then him walking away leaving everyone with questions. We talked about our relationship and he said he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He thought maybe he needed some more time. Jack said what would help him is for me to introduce him to my family and let him in. He said he needed this to connect with me. So I decided to let him go to my favorite spot in town where my family and friends would meet me. My dad sings locally and I would call him a local celebrity. Everyone in town loves his music and they come out almost every Thursday to hear him play. So I thought this will be perfect. He met alot of my family and friends, and I thought surely he knows more about me and can maybe let me in….
I had in mind that I wanted a guy with his own goals and aspirations because my life was really busy. I met a guy that was in the music industry and toured, so I thought this would be perfect…..wrong! For this blog I will call him Jack. Jack’s life goals were a never ending list of things that he had to get done, so much in fact he could only see me once a week or sometimes we would go longer without seeing each other. That day that I did see him I would carry a bag to work with my makeup, curling iron, and clothes because he lived an hour away. Normally he had music recording sessions he would be doing, so I would stay at work until he texted me that I could come over. Normally this was around 7. We would normally go out to dinner or listen to music, and yes he did spend money on me (not that I am that type of girl but I did think he’s really into me). We would go back to his place and I would sleep a couple of hours before I would have to drive an hour back home to get ready for work myself. These days were really hard on me, but I was thinking surely this is going somewhere and he is really into me.
There is more to this story that I will follow up with in my next blog.
