#singlelife

Holy fack! I’m blogging again! This is so nerve racking. I feel like this is season two, and the pressure is on. Maybe this season won’t be as powerful as the first. A lot of you wrote to me saying, “Go for 100 Tinder dates!” I could have. I haven’t deleted Tinder or anything. But I need to expand my horizons. You can date anywhere you go in life, through all sorts of outlets. You could go up to a hot guy in Wal-Mart and offer to buy him a can of tuna. (If you can find a hot guy in Wal-Mart.) The sky’s the limit. Of course, my whole point of My Week on Tinder was to prove how fun being single is. And I don’t know if I proved it to you, but I definitely proved it to myself. I’ve never had so much fun in my life.

Oh, I facking LOVE everybody who told me to keep writing. It’s why I’m here right now. As we know, I’m a tragically lazy person. Blogging is the only thing I committed to last year. I know I need to keep writing, no matter how strong my fear of public grammar errors is. So I thought about what I wanted to make my next blog. My first choice was to stop showering and shaving and start a modern day cavewoman’s blog. But that seemed a little too close to my real life, so I didn’t see the niche. I thought about trying a dating blog based on Christian Mingle, but I just discovered 3:16 is not Pi. (Pi is actually 3.14159265359- the exact number I say when people ask me how many people I’ve slept with.)

But then I thought of an idea I had months ago, when I had interest from a producer who wanted to develop my blog into a reality show. He asked me what I wanted to call my show. I thought about it, and the title that best represents my life, is “Resisting Marriage.” I was swiftly shot down.

 “You can’t use the word “marriage” in the title. Young people won’t watch it.”

Hmmmmm… I said “resisting marriage.” I didn’t say “FACK yeah Marriage rules!” The word “resist” was in my title. Heaven forbid we send a message to young people to NOT rush into marriage. That it’s okay to be unmarried at 30. Let’s keep letting them believe they should be married by 25! Beat the rush! Do it at 23! Be the first! Right out of high school! You’re the winner! (And divorced by my age.) I see marriage like sky diving. If I do it, I’m only doing it once. (And it may kill me.) It’s a social convention that was invented when people only lived to be 27. Now that we’re all gonna (hopefully) live to 100, don’t you think we should take our time with this? Maybe wait a while? Make sure we’re done sowing our wild oats? Find someone who just gets that you’ll never fill the Brita? And more importantly, be okay if we find him a little later in life? I’m in my 30’s, and I’m just startingto get really good at being single. I want to ride this out for a while. I get it. Marriage is a tradition. But the only tradition I’m still truly behind is retirement.

Oh, this is where I cover my ass and say, “Oh, but I do know super perfect couples, still in love! It can happen!” That’s true too. Everybody’s different. But on the wake of a Beyonce/Jay-Z break-up, we also have to realize break-ups can happen to anybody… My friend Kathleen McGee has a hilarious joke about married people. Or maybe the joke is about blowjobs. Let’s just print it and see:

“I always hear married women complain about giving blowjobs… I actually like giving blow jobs. Tell you what… I’ll blow your husband, you go to Costco. Everybody’s happy.”

(-@Kathleen_McGee on Twitter)

No matter what your reaction to this joke is, I watched it KILL in Vancouver last week. When the crowd laughed as hard as they did, I knew there was a real truth to this. Yikes. I don’t think I’m ready to replace my sex life with twelve boxes of Q-Tips. I’m actually hoping for more .5’s in this blog. I’m getting closer to my sexual peak, and I only like using vibrators on the outside, if you get my drift. (I save the inside for boys.)

So, this is my new blog. Resisting Marriage. I’m gonna live my single life, date, pursue my dreams, and pray for no typos. I have a weird theory that the reason I don’t desire the whole wedding day thing, is because I’m a stand up comic. I already get enough time in the spotlight. I don’t need that one “big day” where all my friends watch me walk down the aisle in a big white dress. Plus weddings take a LOT of organization AND money. Two things I don’t have. Personally, I think I can skip that whole industry. (Some people argue that I won’t organize it- my maid of honour will. Making my BEST FRIEND do all that work does NOT make me feel better. I’d actually feel guilty. Plus, I don’t even like cake.)

I trust you know I’m organically happy sleeping alone every night. I almost cherish it. (I’ve slept with a lot of people who snore.) We’ll see what happens. I had no idea what I was doing when I started my last blog, and I have no idea what I’m doing now… That’s the fun thing about a blog. Nobody telling you what to say, or what to do. This is really me. Even if I’m a total facking idiot.

But here’s where I remind you of what an idealist I am…

I honestly believe that if we grow up a little slower, “put a ring on it” a little later, we can abolish cheating. Everybody hates cheaters. Nobody means to cheat. But it’s happening- and to good people. You hear it all the time:

“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.”

How about this:

Let’schangethe game.

Let’s say you can’t buy Boardwalk until after you’ve been around the board at least a dozen times. Let’s allow people to land on our property a bunch of times, before we build hotels, and take all their money. (Is this analogy even close to making sense?) The game is long. No point in peaking too early. (I don’t think I’ve ever figured out how to end a game of Monopoly.)

So welcome to my new blog. Where I will (hopefully) prove to you a marriage free life can be fun. I want to be a landing pad for the newly single. (Which I think I already am.) Breakups are disturbing. Being single is awesome. You just have to remember to breathe through the transition… 

Remember to love life, as much as you love a significant other.

(Or, I end up hopelessly in love and married a year from now, and we all look back on this blog and laugh at me.)

Keep Calm, and – Wait, that’s facking done. How do I sign off with this blog?

Using my fingers for things other than rings,

 Walkinsauce

(K, I’m gonna work on that. I can do better.)

P.S. I have THREE dates this week. Get ready.

When you need closure do you meet with your ex, or do you just deal with it?

This question goes along with my dating tip.  What is your way of dealing with a break up?  Mine is staying busy and having hanging out with my best friend.  It helps to keep my mind off of things.  

What is the worst break up line you have ever received? 

This is a continuation from my last blog.  Jack and I had a conversation about three months after we started dating about where we were at in our relationship.  I had met his friends and his colleagues. I had been introduced to the music industry, and I thought he was really into me. I on the other hand had not really let him into my life yet, because I have been so hurt in the past.  I figured I would let him into my life when I knew he would be around a while versus me letting him in and then him walking away leaving everyone with questions.  We talked about our relationship and he said he wasn’t sure what he wanted.  He thought maybe he needed some more time.  Jack said what would help him is for me to introduce him to my family and let him in.  He said he needed this to connect with me.  So I decided to let him go to my favorite spot in town where my family and friends would meet me.  My dad sings locally and I would call him a local celebrity.  Everyone in town loves his music and they come out almost every Thursday to hear him play.  So I thought this will be perfect.  He met alot of my family and friends, and I thought surely he knows more about me and can maybe let me in….

to be continued

I had in mind that I wanted a guy with his own goals and aspirations because my life was really busy.  I met a guy that was in the music industry and toured, so I thought this would be perfect…..wrong! For this blog I will call him Jack.  Jack’s life goals were a never ending list of things that he had to get done, so much in fact he could only see me once a week or sometimes we would go longer without seeing each other.  That day that I did see him I would carry a bag to work with my makeup, curling iron, and  clothes because he lived an hour away.  Normally he had music recording sessions he would be doing, so I would stay at work until he texted me that I could come over.  Normally this was around 7.  We would normally go out to dinner or listen to music, and yes he did spend money on me (not that I am that type of girl but I did think he’s really into me).  We would go back to his place and I would sleep a couple of hours before I would have to drive an hour back home to get ready for work myself.  These days were really hard on me, but I was thinking surely this is going somewhere and he is really into me.  

There is more to this story that I will follow up with in my next blog.  

I originally made this a fitness blog, but I decided to change it because I am honestly struggling with this whole dating thing.  Those of you who are single will understand.  In the dating world all I wanted was a companion.  Simple right? I’m not talking about marriage.  I’m just talking about someone to share things with; my best friend.  This has been the hardest most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my life, and I am a single mom with a Master’s Degree!  So along this journey I want to share the experiences and offer dating tips and advice I have been through and hopefully get some feedback to know that I am not alone when it comes to this madness called dating.

She loves the switch up ‍♀️