John Mulaney had Dave Chappelle open for him in his latest show without telling his audience. Chappelle gave 10 minutes of transphobic and homophobic dog shit after which John Mulaney hugged him. If I ever see any one of you defending Mulaney again I’m blocking you on sight.
My father has been the poster child of failing to keep his word.
Prime examples that stick out the most.
Once upon a midnight dreary, I was in the army. If you don’t know, basic training graduation is a BIG deal. Not everyone makes it through, and the ones that do get to invite their family and they spend a day or two with them.
I knew my parents were coming (I just call father and his parents my parents collectively). I told him repeatedly to bring my friend (Megan). He said ‘of course’ and such. I kept asking how she was, sending letters to her saying I was so excited. The night before graduation, we got to use our phones (they were confiscated the first day of basic) and I called my dad. He said they were in a hotel in town and be there tomorrow. I asked ‘How’s Megan.’ He said ‘fine’. The next day, families in bleachers come down to us and we can leave. My family comes up. Megan was not there.
We have been friends for over half our lives at that point. Pretty much soulmates but as friends. I spent more time with her family than my own. When my parents were fighting and I was shaking, I would call her crying and she would make me feel safe. Her parents sponsored me to get baptized and confirmed at the church they brought me to every week because I believed and my parents didn’t. I WAS their third daughter. She WAS my sister. We loved each other. And he left her behind and lied straight to me about brining her.
I didn’t want to start an argument or make anyone feel bad on this special day, so I just pretended nothing was wrong. That night I called Megan and asked what happened. She said he wouldn’t take her calls then when he did he made bull shit excuses. I still have not forgiven him for that.
A few months later, I was about to go through another army graduation. It was a smaller one, hardly anyone really brings family unless they live close. I told my dad I was graduating in November, he said something like ‘I actually wanted to check out some jobs down there around that time (He is in PA, I was in GA). I’ll come to your graduation.’ Every time I talked to him after, he didn’t mention it. The day of graduation, a sergeant that barely knew me goes ‘D****! (My last name)’ ‘Yes sergeant!’ I reply. Graduation was that night and almost everyone in my class had their families with them. ‘You all alone today?’ He asked in a compassionate and softer voice, like a person to a person, not a sergeant to a private. I nod and says ‘My dad said he was going to come but…’ I just put out my arms and shrugged. He gave such a pained half smile at my attempt of brushing it off. His eyes, you could tell as a father, he wanted this fatherless, 19 year old child, to be happy on this day. To have someone celebrate her. To have a father that cared. He couldn’t do that for me. It would break rules and cross boundaries that could ruin both our careers. I turned and walked away. I still have not forgiven him for that.
But it wasn’t until a third unfulfilled promise (by someone else) completely ruined my faith in promises.
Yet another army graduation. The best way I can explain it is ‘sergeant school’. You need to pass the school (you can fail out easily) and you are eligible for promotion to sergeant. I did NOT want to go. I never wanted to be a sergeant, I never wanted responsibility, I was planning on getting out of the army after my four years as the rank I was (one below sergeant). But. The highest ranking sergeant in the battalion (roughly 1000 soldiers) said EVERY (my rank) HAD TO GO TO SERGEANT SCHOOL. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, physically and emotionally recovering from the rapes and emotional abuse from said ex and JUST started a new relationship with who I left him for. My mind and body were an absolute fucking wreck, but I was forced to go to this school which was very mentally and physically demanding. I got in trouble a lot the first day for not standing correctly (I was leaning to help ease my pain a bit and in here that was not allowed). I decided to try and talk to someone about it to see if I can have some leeway. Through a course of events that may be confusing to someone who does not understand military structure, I will just say a high ranking sergeant thats soul job is to deal with sexual assault and harassment was called to help me. I didn’t want to bring her in (I have spoken to her before) for such a small issue, since I know she has 1000-ish soldiers to look after. She said there was nothing she could do to help me, because that would give me an unfair, special treatment. I was also told failing out of this school is grounds to be kicked out of the army dishonorably. I had to suck it up, basically, and I was in SO. MUCH. PAIN. She saw I was distressed and told me she believed in me and asked when graduation was. I told her the date and she said she would be there to congratulate me. I suffered for 4 weeks in debilitating pain and mental breakdowns at least every few days due to stress and pain. I made it through by the skin on my teeth and I called and left a message for her to say my graduation was just a few days away. She didn’t show. I looked for her the whole ceremony, the whole gathering after, I checked my phone and there were no messages. She just wasn’t there. One of my immediate coworkers was there and told me how stressed he was, have just moved with a baby still under a month old (when school started). They told him to suck it up too. At the gathering after the ceremony, everyone was congratulated by their sergeants. Not everyone makes it through the school. They were proud of their soldiers. Our sergeants never came. Our sergeants never congratulated us, even after when we were back to normal work. Then both of us just looked at each other and left by our selves. Him back to his wife and infant, me to my empty barracks room.
Being abandoned is one of my greatest fears. Growing up as a neglected child, that’s common. My father let me down twice (though nowhere near the first time this has happened), and when I opened my heart to give someone else a chance, she let me down in such a low point in my life. This was a reoccurring theme for me through my life, and continues to be. After the sergeant school graduation, I stopped getting my hopes up. I stopped taking people at their words. I don’t like anyone enough to be sad when they end up abandoning me, as every friend I have has. The only hope I have is holding on to my current boyfriend with all my strength and hope he might be different.
I have been working on a story since I was 15 (I’m 21 now) and I have everything planned in my head.
The problem? I can’t write it.
I have lost count of how many times I have started it but ended up deleting everything because I wasn’t satisfied with it.
I want to write this story so much, but how do I start? I wish I could because it’s been six years that I am working on it (in my head) and I would love to give it a life.
I have tried every technique, followed any tips, but no results.
I am a bit disappointed in myself, I’ll have to admit. Will I ever be able to write it down?
Saw Sebstantheangel and immediately thought it was pics of Sebastian Danzig from Palaye Royale and when I saw them was like your not Seb or an Angel… I want Seb
