#drunk history
Jason Mamoa
I was washing dishes when this headcannon came to me. Here you go:
What do you get an NHL star for his birthday? To be honest, Bitty is broke and while he could probably make a small fortune selling late night hand pies to the post party set at 2am, he has a better idea.
Bitty, with the enthusiastic help of the SMH, makes a “Drunk History of Hockey: the Story of Lord Stanley’s Cup”.
Lardo is in charge of filming.
Both because it was Bitty’s idea and because his accent is amplified while intoxicated, the team makes Bitty do the voice over.
One bottle of merlot in, and Bitty is ready, dressed in Jack’s Falconer’s jersey.
“Hey y’all! I am about to regale and amaze you with the story of Ice Hockey and the Stanley’s Cup. No Stanley Cup. Yes, Stanley Cup. Ok, here we go.”
Lardo edits the film to sepia tone and adds a measured flicker to the film to make it look dated. The story starts with Shitty skating into frame on the pond. Bitty’s voice comes in, “So this guy in cold ass Nova Scotia, named James Creighton says, “thank you N.S. but you are too cold for me, so I’m going to Montreal! “ And when he gets there, he’s all like, “Damnit! It’s cold here too! But I got my sticks and I got these cool ass boots with knives strapped on with clamps, let’s take this mess indoors!”
Bitty takes a moment to get another glass of wine before continuing with the story.
The camera pans back to Shitty now standing in Faber Ice Arena in a far corner to give the allusion that it was 100 years ago. “Alright, so then, Creighton makes a team and people run in like…” At this point in the tape, Ransom skates onto the ring, “Dude, you can’t play hockey indoors! What if you kill someone with that ball that you are just smacking around on the ice?” And Creighton is all like, “Man, I’m going to like answer your concern with something even more dangerous! Instead of a round wooden ball, how about I flatten it to something resembling a miniature frisbee of death!”
The camera cuts back to Bitty, “What do you mean frisbees weren’t invented yet? Whatever, you know what I mean.”
Bitty takes the story through the first few games of hockey and all the way to the first leagues, the Governor General of Canada, Lord Stanley, and the inclusion and exclusion in the Olympic games.
When Jack gets the video, he has to pause it periodically because he’s laughing so hard as his boyfriend gets progressively drunker and Shitty’s acting gets more and more over the top. The entire team had fun filming the various roles for the video.
The video becomes a yearly tradition to be formally screened on Jack’s birthday or anytime at all when he feels even the littlest bit sad.
Yes, please, and thank you.
Tiffany Haddish getting drunk and telling the story of Rose Valland, an art curator who recovered stolen art from the Nazis during WWII, is everything I’ve never thought I needed in life. Someone PLEASE make this a regular thing with her. I guarantee our children and we, as a society, would learn more from her valuable teachings. [Full video here]
BEST SHIT EVER !!
So Freddie meets Roger and Brian, and Freddie’s like “yo I gotta soul voice”, and Brian’s like, “wait how do you have a soul voice”, and Freddie’s like “I KNOW WHAT I’M doInNnG. I got a fEELING, that I sHOULD BE DOING ALRIGHT.”
*drinks another shot*
My brain to me: what are you doing?
My liver to me: what are you doing?
My stomach to me: what are you doing?
Me to my ex: what are you doing?
