#excerpt from a story i will never write

You hold me hostage,
Muffling my words,
Your hands choke me,
I can’t breathe.

You force yourself on me,
The weight of you crushing my frail body,
Tears flood my eyes,
No matter how hard I cry and beg you to stop you never do.

You inflict pain on me till I black out,
I lose my vision,
All I can do is obey your orders,
My body weak,
My screams muted.

Your hands bruise my body,
After I have satisfy your needs,
You get up and leave,
Left alone I sit a sobbing mess,
Never to forget.

I scrub my skin raw,
Trying to remove anything you touched,
My skin is no longer mine,
I hate myself for letting you near me.

What if I had of done something different?
Dressed differently?
Never gone near you?
Would things be different?

You sleep in peace all night,
I will never have a solid sleep,
The day is on repeat,
I scream each night away,
The dreams constantly reminding me of the pain you brought.

I will never forget it,
You took away my childhood innocence,
You took away all I was,
You left me with no desire to live.

I stand here,
I hold myself high,
I smile,
And try not to cry.
What am I meant to do?

I act like everything is alright,
I fake a life I would kill for,
I tell everyone I am okay,
God I even tell myself that.
What am I meant to do?

I have no purpose,
I am not the person I should be,
I don’t exist in the world like everyone else,
I float aimlessly,
Who should I be?

I sit there alone,
Blame myself,
Hate myself,
I pull my hair out,
I slit my paper thin skin,
I burn my flesh.
What am I doing with my life?

No one knows me now,
I sit alone on my floor,
A sobbing mess,
I take the blade and slit too deep.
I am drained of blood,
My skin is cold and I am gone.