#excerpt from a book i will never write
“but.. this is love, isn’t it?”
his words hung tentatively in the air; she was quiet for a while.
her brow furrowed. “it was, once upon a time. it was love for what we knew love to be.”
his face fell in the way she recognized from when they were children, the way it always had, but there was a deeper sort of buried sadness beneath it, like something tragic and profound that he didn’t want her to notice.
“..and, now?”
“now…i think we know better.”
he knew she was right, of course - she always was. but at the same time, as he took in the way the sunlight emphasized the tiny freckles in her honeyed eyes, he felt that same stubborn tug in the pit of his stomach, pulling him towards her. she was the sun - she had to be, or some similar giant celestial body, for there was no other possible explanation for their painful back-and-forth, for the way he seemed to endlessly orbit her, for the distance, never closing. she wasn’t so far, not physically at least - he could smell the sweet scent of her rose shampoo, and the warm vanilla of the seemingly-omnipresent candles she’d burn in her room. yet, there was a firm resolve coloring her face - she was gone, already. again. just as she always was.
and it was then, that evening, as he watched the reflection of the sunset in her golden eyes, that he knew it was over.
-excerpt from a book i will never write. c.r.
You hold me hostage,
Muffling my words,
Your hands choke me,
I can’t breathe.
You force yourself on me,
The weight of you crushing my frail body,
Tears flood my eyes,
No matter how hard I cry and beg you to stop you never do.
You inflict pain on me till I black out,
I lose my vision,
All I can do is obey your orders,
My body weak,
My screams muted.
Your hands bruise my body,
After I have satisfy your needs,
You get up and leave,
Left alone I sit a sobbing mess,
Never to forget.
I scrub my skin raw,
Trying to remove anything you touched,
My skin is no longer mine,
I hate myself for letting you near me.
What if I had of done something different?
Dressed differently?
Never gone near you?
Would things be different?
You sleep in peace all night,
I will never have a solid sleep,
The day is on repeat,
I scream each night away,
The dreams constantly reminding me of the pain you brought.
I will never forget it,
You took away my childhood innocence,
You took away all I was,
You left me with no desire to live.
Dark hearted.
Darkness fills my heart,
Covering all I once was,
They say follow your heart but mine is too dark to follow,
Darkness dries out my blood,
The darkness removes who I once was,
Taking away my life and with it my will to live,
As darkness encases me,
I meet my long awaited demise.
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It comes in different strengths,
There are streams and rivers,
There is weak and strong,
The currents drift and gush.
I never know which one it will be,
Will I float in emotions or drown in them?
Will my tears flow or gush?
Will it be a stream or a river?
Every action I take I wonder what will it be?
Will I bleed in currents or in rips?
Will I drift off in pain or be dumped by it?
Will it be a stream or river?
I stand here,
I hold myself high,
I smile,
And try not to cry.
What am I meant to do?
I act like everything is alright,
I fake a life I would kill for,
I tell everyone I am okay,
God I even tell myself that.
What am I meant to do?
I have no purpose,
I am not the person I should be,
I don’t exist in the world like everyone else,
I float aimlessly,
Who should I be?
I sit there alone,
Blame myself,
Hate myself,
I pull my hair out,
I slit my paper thin skin,
I burn my flesh.
What am I doing with my life?
No one knows me now,
I sit alone on my floor,
A sobbing mess,
I take the blade and slit too deep.
I am drained of blood,
My skin is cold and I am gone.
