#blossomfully
You win the most when the cards you hold are worth folding but you take the risk
If I stayed with my ex, I would be married with kids right now and honestly I would be really happy, I know that. But I wouldn’t have met you or your sister or my neighbors or any of the guys I’ve dated in the past 5 years or any of the people I consider my best friends right now. And there are thousands of pictures I wouldn’t have taken and memories I wouldn’t have made and trips I wouldn’t have gone on and favorite outfits I wouldn’t have bought. And I wouldn’t live in this apartment and I wouldn’t have taken this job. I was so close to my entire life being completely different. My life that I’m in love with almost didn’t exist. That’s why I’m thankful for that breakup and all the worst moments of my life. Because I wouldn’t have what I have right now without every decision I’ve made leading up to today, even the bad ones.
Some people take up a lot of our pages but aren’t in the last chapter. Some people make an appearance for two weeks in our lives and fuck everything up. It’s not about them, it’s about the ones walking off the screen holding your hand in the series finale.
There’s “obvious, meant to be love” and then there’s “holy shit how did I not see this” love. And I’m not going to say that one’s better than the other but one is built on years of all different kinds of feelings and it’s not the obvious one.
I spent five years convincing myself that i would never in my life again meet someone like you. i was wrong. because i convinced myself that you’re perfect but you’re not, and it’s not exactly your fault that i thought the world of you but maybe you could have dropped the halo a little bit. everything i thought i knew was a lie. you’re not the person i’m in love with, not really. i’ve spent years wrong poetry about the way your voice sounds when you lose yourself in it, i never get tired. i could spend the rest of my life finding metaphors for the way that i think in a sense you might have saved me; fifteen and drink on my sofa. My point here is that i have turned you into a poem and ventured my whole life around it. and to you i am just a girl.
Tell me how I’m suppose to move on when you find your way into everything I do
How am I suppose to forget your face when I see your eyes every time I shut mine?
They say with time things get easier and you move on, but you’re still haunting me
Everything you did still haunts me
poems for all the boys i have kissed
1. you kissed like curiosity
the soft kind
the kind of kiss you miss
three years down the line
when you realise how cruel people really are
2. i’m sorry for kissing you
when deep down i knew i didn’t want you
i’m sorry for making you believe
it could ever be more than it was
3. you were my best friend
i still can’t decide whether
i’m thankful for it
or if i hate you
for blurring all the lines
4. every single kiss led to something more
i could write a whole book
about you and the way you taste
but frankly
you don’t deserve it
5. you kissed me like you were hungry
i’m so glad i never gave you anything more
6. i’m sorry
but you fitted into the story all too well
i think i just liked being the mysterious girl
more than i actually liked you
7. it shouldn’t have happened
but you took away the pain
i stopped hurting over him
the second your lips touched mine
and for that reason
i wouldn’t change it
even though every ounce of me
should regret it
8. i felt like i was in a movie that night
all the drink
our best friends kissing in the back seats
your hand on my thigh
as you drove us to the beach
the music
the sea
the sand
and your lips
“I’ll always secretly wish that the honor of being my first love went to someone more noble, honest, and deserving. I would never want to relive the 6 years of my life with you, especially if it would’ve ended in the same pain and destruction. But even though my heart sometimes fills itself with regret at allowing myself to become so misguided by my blinding love for you, I understand it was all necessary. It was necessary to surrender myself to the suffering you caused me to grasp the importance of knowing my own worth. To understand that I must put myself before anybody else. For the rest of my life the scars you left on my heart will shake when I think of my first love. But they will guide me in making decisions that will fulfill me. I have taken a lot of lessons away from loving you, like following my intuition and respecting myself enough to remove myself from toxic situations. And understanding that the way you treated me is the stark opposite of what I deserve. Most of all, loving you taught me that you cannot have bliss without suffering, simply because you do not know what true happiness is without feeling the deepest sadness.”
— s.c. { i will be happier than i’ve ever been and i owe it all to the way you destroyed me }
Maybe you don’t put a steel blade to your wrist, but you constantly guilt yourself over a past that eats you alive.
Maybe you don’t abuse drugs, but you go from toxic relationship to toxic relationship because you weren’t taught any other form of love.
Maybe you don’t pop pills, but you drown yourself with liqour and parties because you’re too afraid to be alone with your thoughts.
Maybe you don’t have a traumatic past, but depression consumes you and you feel it isn’t valid because you’ve “had a good life.”
And maybe you haven’t tried to kill yourself, but you don’t feel alive either.
Self-harm, like abuse, is not just physical. It’s in your thoughts, your lack of action, and things much less visible. Treat your mind as your friend, if you wouldn’t tell your friend that she was worthless, ugly, and messed everything up, catch yourself when you do the same.
She always did go for the sad boys. The ones with sunken eyes and a slow heartbeat. Some might say she had a healing complex, but I don’t think it was quite that simple. Perhaps, instead, it was so she’d be focused so much on taming their demons that she could neglect her own for awhile. It wasn’t because she thought she could heal them, but because she was afraid she couldn’t heal herself.
He acts as if it was easy to let him go, but he never saw the claw marks I had left all over his skin.
That must be the most bizarre part about falling for a friend. I don’t think I ever really “fell in love with you” in the traditional sense. I think my heart actually loved you this entire time, it just took my brain awhile to catch up and say, “This is it, this has been the one you’ve been waiting for.”
My soul is at a constant tug-of-war between having a happy heart and a melancholy mind. I think that is why I am so positive toward others and sad toward myself.
I’m tired of explaining why I act in the ways I do, or why my heart beats in the way that it does. How are we able to open up the depths of our souls to people and then one day eventually move on and forget them forever? As if we were two strangers in the world who’d forever keep each other’s deepest secrets?
I completely and utterly refuse to understand half-loves. How do you only half-way fall from a building? Drown in a river? You are either all in, or you are not at all. Because when my love is lit, it may begin slow but it will eventually end up catching like wildfire. I will wholly love every part of your soul until I have charted every secret world you have ever lived in and thought you have ever kept hidden in-between your ribs. I will memorize the indentions of your hips and the way your eyelashes twist and topple together. I could never half explore your depths, just as I could never half exist. When I love you, it is whole.
What a silly thought
to think that the point of a relationship
is to be forever.
I have had forevers last six months
and forevers last two years
and still they run through my veins
as lessons
as experiences
as growth.
Never minimize a relationship as a failure
just because it has completed its’ course
The irony of how we find ourselves the most when we’re lost.
