#first responder

Drugs are bad, mkay?

One of my dispatchers calls me. Says he has a weird one. I’m like okay, hit me.

“This guy wants a police officer to come out and stand by to keep him safe while he meets his drug dealer to explain that he has no money and can’t pay.”

Me:

Employee:

Me: Did you say he wants the police to stand with him while he waits for his dealer?

Employee: …..Yes. He’s not even there yet. He arranged this meeting in public in front of the library. He wants the officer to go first so he won’t be alone.

Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that damn phone rings again…

Trainee: “Okay, and what’s going on out there tonight?”
Caller: “This guy needs an ambulance I think. I’m not sure what’s happened, but he’s bleeding, um, profusiously.

Me: “I would have asked her if he choked himself with the intention to harm himself. Just give us an idea of his state of mind.”
Trainee: “Why else would anyone choke themselves?”
Me: “…have you ever heard of auto-erotic asphyxiation?”
Trainee: “A-what a whatta?”
Me: “Oh lord. Here, let me google this, but NOT on the work computer.”

-5 minutes later-

Trainee: “That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard.” *pause* “I’m really glad you didn’t google that on the work computer.”

My trainee: “Which way did the clown go?”
Caller: “I didn’t see, but he came out of the sewer so he must have gone back that way.”
Me: “Did he say ‘sewer?’”
Trainee: “Sir, did you say ‘sewer?’”
Caller: “Yes. Down the sewer.”
Trainee: …..
Me: …..
Caller: …..
Trainee: “…like the Ninja Turtles?”

Guys, I’m dead.