#healing from trauma

I was still haunted by my experiences and around this time I entered into a phase where the question “Why me?” played in my head over and over again. “Why me? Why did he do this to me? Why me, when all I did was love him?” There was a sense of stuckness, an inability to move forward as I struggled to make sense of why all of this had happened. I cried out years worth of tears and journalled constantly but even with all the release, the same question continued to persist: “Why me?”

And then one day something clicked. I began to consider his life and personal history and realized that he was a product of the environment in which he grew up, and that it really wasn’t about me at all. It was healing for me to see that his behaviour came from his own place of pain, and there was nothing I had done to bring it on, nothing about me that had warranted such cruel treatment. I didn’t cause it in him, nor could I have ended it. I’d gotten a sense of at least some of his pain when I was first getting to know him, and it influenced my initial decisions to not leave him; I didn’t want to abandon him during a rough phase in his life. But in an attempt to bring peace to the war within him, I had gotten caught in the crossfire.