#narcissistic abuse
Being able to call every play in my mother’s narcissist handbook is a very useful tool, and I’m glad I learned it.
The fact it’s taken almost a MONTH to plan a single lunch and the planning STILL ISN’T DONE is utterly enraging.
It’s a long story of my mother jerking me around at every opportunity and me refusing to bend to her attempts to control the entire interaction.
We are now in the “confirmed location, time, and added guests (a regular tactic of my mother’s that will likely lead to her getting pissy during the meal because I will have to split my attention between several people)” portion of this shit.
Current roadblock: I asked my mom if she’d told the people SHE added to the guest list that I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns. I offered to send an email explaining it to them and told her I’d be wearing a pronoun pin as well.
She tried to call. I did not pick up. We will not be moving this conversation to a form of communication she can lie about later. And it was after 5 her time, so she was likely drunk.
I just took the question off of the one-on-one text thread she likes to use when she’s trying to control me and dropped the question in the thread with her and dad. I truly do not mind explaining my gender shit to my grandma and my aunt. I trust them to do their best to understand.
Literally none of this should have been an issue. If my mother were not a narcissist intent on controlling me completely, we could have hashed this out in a single phone call.
I am tired.
I know it was a bit ago, BUT a little update on how mother’s day went this year:
My sibling and I, for the past few years, gave our abusive mother appeasement gifts. Mostly because I’d likely get physically & verbally attacked if we didn’t.
This year was different. We didn’t do a single thing for her. Both of us are just completely fed up with her.
Thankfully it was a cold & rainy day, so she slept most of it. Only exploding at me once about something ‘unrelated’ (yeah sure). But she got nothing because she deserved nothing.
With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,
- Don’t break no-contact.
- Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.
- Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.
- Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’
- DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.
- Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.
I’m really glad that so many people are finding this post helpful but it also absolutely breaks my heart that so many people can relate.
Stay strong & keep going you can do it!
Why Covert Narcissist Use Triangulation?
One of the main symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is a cognitive distortion known as black and white thinking. Narcissists generally lack “whole object relations” and only see things as black or white.
Black and white thinking doesn’t allow the narcissist to see that people at the same time have qualities and flaws; they believe that people are either good or bad. A covert narcissist doesn’t care about your feelings. They don’t respect others and have no empathy for other people’s emotions. They only want to control and use triangulation to protect their ego and maintain control.
How to React to Narcissist Triangulation?
Ending the manipulation in narcissist triangulation is the only way to escape the toxic relationship and maintain good mental health.
Here are the three essential steps in ending the narcissistic abuse and recovering from it.
1. Recognize that the Narcissist is Using Triangulation
The first step in ending the triangulation is becoming aware of it. Recognizing that triangulation is happening will empower you to stop feeling guilty. It will also help you realize that the problem is with the narcissist, not with you.
2. Cut Off the Contact with the Narcissist
The most effective way to end triangulation is to cut off the narcissist ties. Once you leave the relationship and stop providing attention to the narcissist, the triangle fails.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
If you must stay in touch with the narcissist (e.g., share children, work together, etc.), make sure to set firm boundaries. Boundaries are an essential aspect of self-care that allows you to stop the abuse cycle in narcissist triangulation.
Narcissistic Romantic Relationship Triangulation
Since most romantic relationships are between two individuals, triangulation would appear impossible. However, the narcissist will often bring in a third party for the purpose of playing their victims off of each other.
For instance, a married narcissist might start spending more time with a coworker or friend, which their partner would not reasonably object to. The narcissist then casually mentions how the coworker or friend exhibits a quality or behavior that is superior to their partner’s.
These comments make their partner feel inadequate, leading them to try harder to please the narcissist. This enhanced control is what the narcissist was looking for; it provides them with the admiration they crave. The coworker and friend will likely have no idea that they’re being used as a foil to the narcissist’s partner. They may not even express the qualities or behaviors that the narcissist is claiming. This idealized version of them is enough to torment and control the narcissist’s partner.
Triangulation is commonly used after a breakup or narcissistic discard and is a way for the abuser to wiggle their way back into the victim’s life. The narcissist might boast about their new relationship and how everything in it is better than with the victim.
They could also mention how their new love interest looks down on the victim, which directs anger away from the narcissist who may have fabricated everything about their new partner all along
Triangulation is considered a form of emotional abuse that can occur in any relationship. Your covert narcissistic partner may pull in a third person into your toxic relationship to create conflicts between the two of you so they can manipulate and take advantage of you. Your narcissistic partner then acts as a messenger between you and another person, making sure that there is limited or no communication between the two of you except through the narcissist.
Narcissists often invoke feelings of insecurity and jealousy to maintain control in a relationship. For example, they might tell you about a coworker who keeps flirting with them, creating an illusion that they are desirable. This may cause you to feel insecure and afraid that your partner may leave you.
Or they may tell you stories of how their ex treated them poorly to summon feelings of loyalty and get all your attention. A narcissist will also use triangulation to send you subtle messages of how you must behave to keep them. The covert narcissist will also use this form of emotional abuse once they have decided they don’t want to be with you anymore – they will pull in a third person and talk to them about their intentions.
This is a way of controlling your behavior.
Similarly, your narcissistic friend may use triangulation to manipulate you. He or she might lie and tell a third person things you have been saying about them (which you haven’t said) and vice versa, creating a rivalry and conflicts between the two of you. Typically, all communication would go via the narcissist, but you and the third person would both feel anger, hurt, and tension every time you see each other. For all this time, the narcissist will maintain their guiltlessness, acting empathetic to your issues.
The Three Traditional Parts of the Triangle:
The three specific parts within the triangle in relationships are the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer. Stephen Karpman first described the destructive model of the drama triangle in late 1960 to explain the dynamic in relationships of narcissistic abuse and other toxic relationships.
The Persecutor
This is the position a narcissist will take when they are on the attack – blaming, controlling, shaming, or aggressive. They will target you as a wrongdoer so they can criticize and blame you.
The Victim
Narcissists will use the ‘victim’ position typically to present themselves as helpless, hopeless, being taken advantage of – in short, being victimized. This allows them to waive any responsibility for their words or actions and blame you instead.
The Rescuer
In a toxic codependent relationship with a narcissist, you may quickly find yourself in the position of the ‘Rescuer’ – the fixer, helper, and pleaser. The ‘Rescuer’ typically accepts responsibility for the ‘Victim’s feelings or behavior, which is a core of dynamics in toxic codependent relationships.
While the narcissist can quickly shift from any of these positions, they most commonly play the persecutor’s or the victim’s roles. Then they pull others into one of the positions within the triangle to create drama, conflict, and other toxic patterns.
Narcissist Hoovering comes in so many different forms, which can make it incredibly difficult for those being targeted to know what’s happening in the moment. Often it’s only in hindsight that they see how the narcissist was manipulating them all along.
1. Making Threats
This might be the most straightforward hoovering tactic, and although it can be incredibly scary, it doesn’t leave any questions about the intentions of the narcissist. Most often they’ll use statements like:
“I’ll destroy you”
“I’m taking the kids”
“Without me, you’ll have nothing”
Those words are designed to make you think that life without the narcissist will be worse, much much worse. Frightening scenarios like losing your home, children, or finances prevent you from thinking clearly about how destructive life with a narcissist has been and how much power they actually have to enact their revenge upon you. Additionally, if you’re in danger physically, don’t assume that appeasing the narcissist will keep you safe. Extricating yourself from the toxic relationship is the only way to ensure that.
2. Using Children or Mutual Friends as a Foot in the Door
The simplest solution to dealing with a narcissist is to walk away and go no-contact. That’s easier said than done though; it’s near impossible if you share a close circle of friends and is unworkable if you share custody of a child with them.
The narcissist will invent problems for the person you care for and use them as an excuse to continue contact. The problem may be fictitious or exaggerated – anything to get your guard down so they can worm their way back into your life.
“Our son is struggling in school, have you been going over his homework with him?”
“I think (our friend) really needs someone with them right now. Do you want to come over with me?”
3. Faux Incidental Contact
Narcissists know that you want nothing to do with them after a discard. Many fabricate innocuous reasons for seeing or speaking to you, such as visiting places around town that you’re known to frequent or calling you by “accident”.
This form of hoovering feels very much like stalking, but it’s done in such a way that you can’t really prove the narcissist is intentionally contacting you. Once they’re in your presence or have you on the line, they’ll ask probing questions about how your life is going post-break-up. If they find a weakness, they’ll exploit it to keep you hooked and providing them with supply.
4. Holding on to Your Belongings
If you’ve ever been through a breakup where you had to move out, you know how awkward it can be to grab all of your stuff. You might send a friend over to do it or ask your former partner to not be around while you pack up, but those methods won’t fly with a narcissist. Not only will they remind you of everything you might have left at their house, they’ll make sure to note anything of theirs in your possession.
“You left some books over here, do you want to come get them?”
“You have one of my shirts, I need you to bring it back”
It’s never about the things though; they’re just an easy talking point that forces you to stay in contact with them. If you’ve recently broken up with a narcissist, make sure you sort out whatever property either of you might have so you can move on as quickly as possible.
5. Boosting Your Ego
The most common reason people fall in love with a narcissist is the intense flattery that occurs at the beginning of the relationship (love bombing). Narcissists can be charming and during the idealization phase, their love for you seems to know no bounds. Unfortunately, they only love how you make them feel through your supply, and that feeling is fleeting. When the feelings cool, devaluation, and discard occur. To pull you back into their circle, the narcissist reverts to that idealization phase, as they crave the initial supply you gave them and the feelings that came with it.
6. Reminiscing About the Past
Few of us would ever fall in love with an abuser – there’s usually at least a brief moment at the beginning of a relationship when everything is going well. When the narcissist wants to pull you back into their life, they’ll remind you of the good times, hoping you’ll forget everything that followed. It helps to keep in mind that the narcissist’s more recent behavior is a better predictor of their future actions than those warm moments from the beginning of the relationship.
7. Promising a Better Future
What’s the one thing we always hear from domestic violence survivors about their abusers? When they lash out, they say they’ll never do it again, only to repeat the same cycle over and over again. While people certainly can change, when the narcissist says that they will, it’s rarely a sincere commitment.
8. Calling on Memorable Dates
“I just thought I’ll give you a call since it’s your birthday, I hope you’re having a wonderful time”
“Today would have been our third anniversary and it got me thinking…”
On the surface this behavior actually actually seems kind of sweet – they’re thinking about you. Unfortunately, their concern for your well-being is just a veneer.
This is an opportunity for them to call you, look like a good person, and keep you on the line. While they’re at it, the narcissist might seek out information about how you’re doing/feeling, which they can use to manipulate you into further contact.
9. One Last Conversation
This is frequently used when you’ve gone no-contact after breaking up with the narcissist and they’ll use it to get their foot in the door.
“I just have a couple things I’d like to say, then we can go our separate ways”
“I really need to explain something”
The conversation that ensues doesn’t provide you with closure or help to clear up a misunderstanding. The narcissist is drawing you in with the possibility of some finality to their Narcissistic abuse – you just need to endure one last conversation. But it’s not the final call, and the content of the conversation will veer wildly from what you assumed it would be. It’s all about pulling you back into the relationship. A similar tactic would be the narcissist saying they “need to see you one last time.”
10. Subtly Reaching Out
Have you ever had an ex that kept liking your Facebook or Instagram posts long after you broke up and stopped talking? Notifications keep popping up with their name in them, and you can’t help but think about them and what their intention is for these likes. Narcissists are experts at this head game and they know the more time you spend wondering about them, the more likely you are to return to the relationship.
11. Appeals to Religious Beliefs
Narcissists frequently use their victim’s faith against them, twisting their beliefs to keep them in the relationship longer.
“I’ve been praying, and God has told me we should be together”
“Divorce is a mortal sin”
“You’ve turned your back on Jesus, I can help you find him again”
Our religious faith contains some of our most deeply held beliefs. When a narcissist hijacks the authority of those beliefs, and forces us to choose between staying with them or ostensibly going against our faith, it can be devastating. Fortunately, faith can also provide you with a community of people that care about you and provide much-needed perspective on your relationship with the narcissist.
12. Glossing Over Past Abuse
This is where the narcissist will pretend that nothing negative happened between the two of you or they’ll minimize it to the point of irrelevance. Their prior emotional abuse will be blown off as “a phase” or “minor argument”, when it was really a series of one-sided attacks. The narcissist has created a new reality where both of you were at fault. Such tactics also make you question the severity of the abuse and whether you overreacted to it. As such, you’re more likely to accept it in the future.
13. Destroying Your Self Worth
By definition, narcissists are highly-skilled at promoting themselves and all of their positive qualities. Many are also quite good at finding faults within you, and pointing out how you’ll never find someone better. They’ll attack the most vulnerable elements of your personality and pounce on the qualities you hold dearest.
“You’re a terrible mother, the kids would be better off without you”
“Everyone at your job hates you and knows you’re the worst employee”
14. Bringing In a Third Party
Narcissists are masters of manipulation and recruiting an army of flying monkeys is one of their most favored tactics. The narcissist will seek out your mutual friends, family members, or even work acquaintances if they can, and use them to pressure you to return to the relationship. The narcissist might mention how much they miss you, how good things had been, or even pin the blame for the break up on you. Using your unwitting contacts against you is particularly damaging as it starts to feel like you have no one who can empathize with your problems. The narcissist’s hope is that you’ll eventually return to them rather than be ostracized by friends and family that believed the relationship was going swimmingly.
15. Threatening to Harm Themselves
One of the quickest ways for a narcissist to get your guard down is by threatening to hurt themselves. It places their victim into a position of responsibility, where walking away would feel immoral.
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me”
“I’ve been cutting ever since we broke up”
This tactic is particularly damaging because you can’t be sure if the narcissist is using these threats to control you or if there is a real possibility of self-harm. If suicide is mentioned, call the police. Though you should never feel responsible for the actions of the narcissist, this is a good way to take the responsibility off of yourself, without feeling guilty about walking away.
How to Combat Hoovering?
There are so many forms of hoovering that there’s really no one-size-fits-all solution. The best thing you can do for yourself is simply recognizing that it’s happening. If it feels like you’re being manipulated in some way, you almost certainly are and it’s best to break contact as quickly as possible.
I was still haunted by my experiences and around this time I entered into a phase where the question “Why me?” played in my head over and over again. “Why me? Why did he do this to me? Why me, when all I did was love him?” There was a sense of stuckness, an inability to move forward as I struggled to make sense of why all of this had happened. I cried out years worth of tears and journalled constantly but even with all the release, the same question continued to persist: “Why me?”
And then one day something clicked. I began to consider his life and personal history and realized that he was a product of the environment in which he grew up, and that it really wasn’t about me at all. It was healing for me to see that his behaviour came from his own place of pain, and there was nothing I had done to bring it on, nothing about me that had warranted such cruel treatment. I didn’t cause it in him, nor could I have ended it. I’d gotten a sense of at least some of his pain when I was first getting to know him, and it influenced my initial decisions to not leave him; I didn’t want to abandon him during a rough phase in his life. But in an attempt to bring peace to the war within him, I had gotten caught in the crossfire.
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On average, every 6 days in Canada a woman is murdered by her intimate partner.
My ending is not so much a happy one as it is a lucky one. And that’s why I do what I do @reclaimyourvoice.
Yesterday during my meditation practice, in tearful gratitude I thanked the gods and the universe for this freedom, for this second chance at life, for these opportunities to become a better person, to love more, to give more, to grow more and for the glorious blessing of being able to heal underneath these palm trees. I thanked them for all the people they’ve sent to help me along my journey (you all and so many more), and said I will endure any storm they throw my way, but to just please keep sending these beautiful souls to help light the path.
Although in my recent post I shared how I escaped, my story is far from over. As most people who’ve been abused will tell you, the tough times don’t necessarily end just because we’ve been physically removed from the abuse.
So in the coming posts I will be speaking on what the aftermath of the abuse has looked like for me. May this and all the posts I have shared thus far be of benefit to those who need them most.
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My book She’ll Find the Sky is available here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NR9R9JB
You are a supervillain who has just captured your rival’s child. Rather than being afraid, they’re begging you to let them stay.
the first clue is that her name is bella hawk.
she blushes a deep pink, the handcuffs around her wrist jingling. “instead of bella swan,” she apologizes. staring at the table between the two of you, she mumbles - “it’s their idea of a joke.” she folds her hands and then unfolds her hands. “it changes a lot because of witpo - uh, witness… protection.” the pink in her cheeks creeps up into her ears. she has a pretty set of matched space-themed earrings, and she refuses to look up at you.
“you’re older than i expected,” you say. she might actually be your age, which is awkward. you pretend to be shuffling papers around, but your secretary, who is a gem, has already organized your whole schedule and your whole life. you don’t actually have anything to, like, do - well, except this.
“you’re younger,” she blurts. then she clicks her teeth closed. “sorry. i don’t mean that in a bad way. i - uh. I just didn’t expect…” she clears her throat.
you sit down in your high-backed white chair. you hate this stupid thing, it swivels unevenly and if you don’t pay enough attention, you end up slowly spinning to the right over the course of your day. it’s humiliating. you take out a pen and put at the top of your planner - investigate gaming chairs? “i want to say, bella. i’m sure my staff has been gentle to you - if they haven’t, please let me know - but you will not come to harm here. i’m mostly keeping you to … bargain.”
actually, you hadn’t meant to capture her. that’s a different story, and that particular intrepid henchman has been sent to the “no-no naughty room” where he is going through some anti-bias training on why nice men don’t kidnap nice women who aren’t involved. (“we’re evil,” you’d said, disappointed, “not assholes.”)
and now you had to, like, dosomething with her. in the three hours since her capture, you’d just had her sitting in your office, where she had access to water and little tea sandwiches. you’d been pacing the halls trying to figure out how to even write a “whoopsie! kidnapped your daughter!” ransom note (“i mean,” you’d said to him, setting up the projector for your specially-made movie titled thank you for your enthusiasm but please take it down a notch, “this is a woman-owned enterprise, dude.” he’d just been overexcited. it was kind of cute).
“everyone has been good,” she says. her voice squeaks a little. “you’ve been - i mean, it’s actually been kind of,” she shifts a little. “Nice, i guess.”
“good,” you smile at her, and mean it, even though she’s been staring at her thumbs the whole time, worrying her torn cuticles. “i’m in the process of starting negotiations with your parents” (you haven’t even written the note) “but we should have you back home within a few days.” at the frown on her face, you add - “maybe even hours.”
she finally lifts her chin. her eyes are dark like a moonless night, full of glittery, deep intelligence. you are immediately struck by her small, keen face, her dark hair. “please don’t,” she says. she clears her throat again. “don’t - let them take me back.”
okay, that’s unexpected. you continue to shuffle papers stupidly before putting one finger up to the crease you can feel forming between your eyebrows. “run that - sorry. run that by me again?”
she hadn’t asked don’t talk to them. she hadn’t asked don’t do this to them. she had said -
“please,” she repeats. now her voice sounds firm, determined. “i - i won’t make a fuss. i’ll… please.”
“ah, I see,” you relax a little. “you’re asking me to let you go.” that makes sense. in the three hours you have kept her in this office, you’ve been studying up on basic kidnapping techniques. bartering and begging is common amongst -
she shakes her head violently, her short hair making a halo with the motion. “please don’t do that, either.” she bites her full bottom lip. “i’m sorry. I don’t - i don’t have anything to offer. but please don’t send me back to them.”
she looks at you and you look at her and those big eyes, full of pleading. shit - the two of you are definitely around the same age. this is what you get for inheriting a supervillain job from your parents.
you stand up, because you have no idea what else you are supposed to do. and also, if you keep looking at her - nevermind. you go and stare out the window to your carefully-tended garden-like balcony. the forest around your lair drops out into the twilight beyond, gorgeous under the large and rising waxing moon. the town where you house your staff is starting to turn on their lights, glimmering.
the sight of the world you have made is calming. but like, the rest of this situation is rapidly becoming way too much for a wednesday.
“tell me more.” you manage to even sound authoritarian as you do. you shift so you can watch her reflection in the glass without being too obvious about it.
“um…” she shifts again. you should really get her a better chair. “i, uh. i know a lot about you. they, um - they talk about you a lot. how - uh.” she looks back down to those thumbs, and starts nibbling on her cuticles. “i know about your parents and - how they died.”
ouch. you close your eyes.
she holds the silence for a moment. “i’m sorry about - that.”
“not your fault,” you say automatically, the way you have said a million times to a million people. but and also-
“it’s my dad’s fault, though.” she sighs. “he shouldn’t have… done that.”
it’s your turn to be silent. they weren’t always nice people, after all. your mother was a toxic egomaniac and your father - well, all that’s for your therapist. love is strange - it’s been five years and you still miss the ways they were your parents, even though your childhood was full of laser guns and death rays.
“it’s just - like, before you, things were different. but you took over and, um… it’s different now. i know, i, uh, grew up at the same time this was happening. i guess i grew up kind of like - or like, around the time you did and - i remember. and … you stand for - different things. you target billionaires, corrupt politicians, monopolies… you’re… like the only one who is taking actual action. everyone else just… makes a post on tumblr.”
“you do know i’ve blown up cars and houses, right? like, entire buildings?” you throw a smile over your shoulder, and make eye contact with her. the pink comes back to her face instantly, and you have to look away. your brain feels a little spinny.
“i’m - i’m just saying i know what you stand for. you don’t hurt innocents - you do hurt people, i know that, but you…” she trails off.
you have unclogged your brain enough to return to your chair. why do you feel so restless around her? (oh yeah. you kidnapped her by accident. so that’s a factor). “bella, i appreciate that you and i obviously have quite the childhood. in another life, i’d even suggest we be friends. i believe ours is a unique position - children like us should stick together. however, i’m afraid i’ve kidnapped you inthis life. so while i do love that you’ve done your research on me, i’m afraid i -”
“hekills people,” she says, slamming her hands down on the table. she flinches at the noise she makes. “sorry, i didn’t mean to get -” she holds her breath for a moment, before slowly releasing it. “sorry. i didn’t mean to get angry.” something is rolling off her body - power? oh god, this shit better not be genetic, for both your sakes. “my father, my mother - they kill people. every time they have some epic battle, they throw cars or they fire a gun or they pull down a building.”
“again, i do very much kill people,” you say, but you have to struggle to keep yourself from smiling. “i think we just have different -”
“they’re not good to me!” she closes her eyes. “i’m - they lock me in little apartments for what they say is my safety, and they tell me they love me, but -” when she opens her eyes again, something in them is shining with rage and sorrow, “but it’s nothing. my whole childhood, i was locked in a fucking cage or i was being toted around like a display toy and i didn’t even get to keep my fuckingname at any point and i couldn’t have any friends because anyone could be a spy and they -” she takes a deep breath, “they’re neverhome! they don’t know me! every time i mess up or do anything or speak out of turn they just tell me how i’m causing other people to die because i’m taking up their time and any time i need anything they talk about how they could be saving lives and i just - they’re not - they’re not kind.”
tears lick at her eyelashes. without meaning to, you reach across the table and hold her hand. she stares at it for a second, and then holds your hand back.
“it’s the hypocrisy,” she murmurs. “nobody else knows who they are. how mean they can be. how they don’t flinch about the collateral damage. how they treat me like - a pet they didn’t want. and i can’t,” she sighs, and the sound is so broken it also breaks you, “i can’t talk to anyone about it, because i do believe that the world needs heroes. i just don’t know why it has to be my parents. why they are this symbol of … hope.”
“i’m…” you find yourself ready to say that stupid platitude i’m sorry. although, part of this actually would be your fault. “this sounds hard,” you say instead. you hand her a tissue.
she takes the tissue with her free hand, the other still grasping yours. “do you know how many times we’ve celebrated a holiday? celebrated my birthday?”
you shake your head. you squeeze her hand before releasing for a moment, hunting through your keyring for the one to open the handcuffs.
“six,” she says bitterly. she holds out her wrists for a better angle. “six all together. four birthdays, one christmas, and one halloween.” she closes her eyes as the handcuffs slide off. “sorry. fuck. god. i didn’t mean to get upset. i know other people had way, way worse lives, and i know i -”
you stand up and walk to the other side of the table, sitting on it so you are across from her. you take her hands again, gently pulling her to her feet. “hey,” you say gently, catching her gaze. “emotional neglect and emotional abuse is still traumatic, even if it is not physical.” you take a deep breath. “i mean - i’m eviland i know that.”
she laughs a little, nodding, and ducks her chin to wipe her eyes on her shoulder, sniffing. “sorry,” she says again. “i didn’t mean to -”
“hey,” you repeat. you reach up to her face, slowly, like you might spook her. god, her eyes are so pretty. “you have nothing to apologize for, okay? if you don’t want to go back, you don’t have to go back.”
she nods again, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “really?”
“come here,” you say. you hop off the table, and are surprised to find that she’s about a foot taller than you are. she lets you lead her over to the window. you hit the switch, and the window slides to the side, revealing your balcony. the warm summer air catches the twilight stars, and you both step out. you’ve attached twinkle lights to the bannister (you are, after all, still a young adult), wrapped them around the thick potted plants and the swinging bench. it’s pretty and calm.
she gasps a little and immediately goes for the railing, staring out at the forest’s gentle noise. the birds and the laughter of the nearby town. the lights of houses flickering on.
you go stand next to her, smiling. “it’s safe here. this whole place is surrounded by a neon-generated - ah, it doesn’t matter, i’ll say forcefield, even though it makes my techies annoyed. but i let a lot of my people live here, for free. a lot of us are running from things. you can stay there as long as you like, and we’ll get you all the documents you need to start a new life. whatever job, whatever house, whatever… works for ya.” at the look of surprise on her face, you wink. “technically i’d be kidnapping you even better if i send you off where they can never find you.”
she takes your hands. “but what if -” she looks up at you, and those cheeks are so pink, “what if i want to stay?”
I lost my teenage years to a putrid worm
To everyone asking if what they went through was ‘really’ trauma: it was. If you feel you were traumatised by it, then it was trauma. There’s nothing more to it than that.
My therapist told me that trauma is any situation in which you felt helpless that has had a lasting impact on you. Trauma doesn’t always feel “traumatic” at the time. You’re valid in your emotions even long after something has happened.
Once you go no contact with the abuser, then starts the inner work of changing how you speak to yourself
It feels like I have to protect my inner child by keeping her from running into the arms of people who aren’t safe
Seeing how kids fight for your attention and thinking of how your narcissist mother purposely triangulated you and your siblings to fight for scraps of her approval/caused chaos for her own amusement….
I could never do that even to my neighbor’s kids (or any kids really) let alone my own kids… disgusting
Kind of unrelated to my usual SB posts but it’s just on my mind and this is my diary.
I’ve been reading Atomic Habits (great book, btw) and it starts to identify intrinsic values to obtain the goals and habits you set out to achieve. Basically you start with WHO you are and WHO you want to become. As I picture my best self, it is without this person. It is without this narcissistic abuse pattern. I’m trying to break this worst habit of mine because it’s extremely comfortable and safe in my mind, even if it hurts me. I follow a clinically diagnosed narcissist on Tiktok. Just search for narcissistic and this guy is the first person you’ll see. He helps people identify and get through narcissistic abuse.Because I know the patterns so well, I’m able to use the same tactics against my narcissistic fuckboy to finally break the tie between us. It does hurt, it makes me feel awful doing this to him but I hope it works. I hope he finds someone else that can give him the validation he needs.
For example :
My first tactic was to scare him away by saying I wanted to be with someone who wanted marriage (I know he doesn’t want this)
So he proceeds to tell me he does too but I* need to revolve my schedule around him and make him a priority. (Literally the stuff that I have begged him to do. In the 5 years I’ve known him, he’s never taken me out on a date. Just likes to keep me hidden from his other girls….narcissistic people need backup plans)
So then I say, you might want that but not with me. Then give him examples on why this is true. (Hiding me, going on Hinge right after we get together, showing me profiles trying to be funny….etc etc etc.)
I knew he was going to react and say that it was my fault. (He did) That he doesn’t point out the stupid, heartless shit that keeps us apart. That I need to evaluate myself because I don’t so anything wrong.
Knowing that I have NEVER done any of these things (Obviously, the narcissist loves to play the victim to make you feel bad…..this cycle sucks)
I ask him to lay it on me. PLEASE let me know the things that have hurt him.
*silence* (Duh)
Then I question him. If I* have done such horrible things to him why do you keep wanting to get together? Why do you want to constantly have sex?
*silence* They HATE being questioned by their own logic. lol
Again, this hurts my soul. It does. But the amount of hurt he knows he’s inflicting on me (and they do know, btw) is unbearable.
The thing about narcissists that most people don’t realize, is that they do hear your critique. I compare it to having no skin. Imagine if you were skinless. Everything would stick to you and frankly everything would hurt and be life-threatening, which means as much as they fight back and make it everyone else’s responsibility but theirs, it’s in there. The problem is that they are so convinced you’re right, they’re going to work ten times harder to find incredibly twisted logic as to why you aren’t. There are steps to handle telling a narcissist about their behavior.
1. Diffuse the emotion.
The most common technique is called “gray rocking” or going neutral. The neutrality can be difficult, because if you care at all about this person, it’s difficult to cut off emotion. Rely on your exhaustion to help you. Sink into that sense of being exhausted and let the flat affect fly. When they shout, get quieter. When they tantrum, put your back to a wall and grit your teeth. When they tell you that you’re stupid, or a Nazi, or a monster…remember what that word actually means.
Ask questions. “Do you really believe that?” “Why do you think I’m here?” “What is your goal for this conversation?” Make them neutral, but questions that force reflection. If they begin framing anything as if they are the victim, ask “I hear you saying that you’re a victim in this, but my question is, are you ever in control? How would you feel more confident? What can be done to make you feel strong and not like you’re always struggling?”
The longer a narcissist dwells in their misery, the more they will construct vast conspiracies. The more they indulge in soothing themselves by becoming the center of attention, forcing their way in to try and use charisma and victimhood to gain control. So draw their focus to philosophical questions. “What do you think friendship is?” “Can you define respect for me?” “Have you ever had a friend you considered to be good for you and how were they good?”
The more flat the affect and the more self reflection you force, the angrier they will get. The more their behavior will be precisely the definition of narcissism. Just keep numbing yourself with that exhaustion and while they talk, decide how much you actually care. Is this a family member you need to help so that the entire family is capable of functioning? Is this a person who could harm you? How much do you care about their success? Why? Identify that, because it helps you frame the next bit.
2. Don’t argue finer points. It won’t matter. Just let them behave as they do. Let them rage. Let them bully. Let them shout. Keep hold of that exhaustion. When it’s all over, say simply, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. You say this, but then say this. Which do you mean? You say this but do this. Which should I follow?” When they tell you what a terrible person you are for not understanding them, say “I hear you and understand. You don’t want any help. You can do fine by yourself. You are the only one who knows the truth, or can say what’s wrong.”
They will then either back down or carry on telling you why you are not smart. Let them. I know it can be difficult to diffuse the pain of being unfairly labeled, but imagine being a people-eating monster and being so accustomed to it you can’t see straight. Just keep repeating “yes I hear you. You are the only one who knows the truth.”
If they agree with you, then say simply “Alright then. I will leave it. But I’d encourage you to think about the fact that right now, I am leaving, because while I am hearing you, you aren’t hearing me. What you’re asking of me, you aren’t giving”
They will rage. Let them. And when they give you a gap, flatly say “Alright, well, have an excellent day/life. I’ll be going.”
And if they try to make you feel badly for walking away, say this:
“My friend, I no longer have feelings one way or the other about your life. People are not equations into which you plug a variable and get what you want on the other side. You’re always the victim. The question is why, and that’s only for you to answer. It’s everyone else’s fault. So it’s much better for you, if I walk away and stop hurting you, isn’t it?”
3. Then actually do it. Walk away. You don’t need the final say. They’re just trying to plug in more variables to get what they want back out. Cut off contact, because they’ve heard you. They won’t stop hearing you. Eventually one day, when they hit the bottom, they might hear you well enough to make a change. But this way of thinking is crippling, and most of the time, there is no change. It’s unfortunate, but what is happening here, is that you are deciding not to behave as they have taught you. You’re deciding to pull away and decide who you are.
They hear you. It lives in their head rent free. I promise you. So it only needs to be said once. And then cut them off. Their feelings are their responsibility. Their work on themselves is their responsibility. They may try to make it yours, but it isn’t.
entering your 20s is realizing that the voice in your head that’s yelling “you’re disgusting! you should be ashamed! you don’t deserve it!” is your mother’s voice. entering your 20s is realizing she doesn’t deserve to live in your mind. that she doesn’t deserve to live at all.
