You have done your part in trying to understand your parents. You did consider where they were coming from and why they were doing this, and it didn’t help. You’ve done enough trying to forgive them. You’ve made yourself and your feelings irrelevant far too many times already. You’ve asked yourself ‘why don’t they love me’ far too many times. You’ve cried enough because of them. You tried to deserve their love for far too long. You walked with your heart broken and chest empty far too many times. You’ve done enough. It’s been enough. You walk free of this with no obligation or shame on your part. You’ve done everything you could. You’ve given them every possible chance to stay in your life. You’ve allowed them lead you on, with fear and hope in your heart, for far too many times. You don’t have to do it ever again.
“You can do all the research in the world to understand the inner workings of the narcissist’s mind, but it will do nothing to influence the outcome of the relationship.
Narcissists don’t think like most people. You can try to appeal to their seemingly ‘hurt’ inner child, be the most devoted partner or family member, and do everything they ask of you, but it will not change a thing.
Ever.
Narcissists are not interested in stable, loving, reciprocal connections. The idea of meeting your emotional needs repulses them to the core. The only positive leanings they have about your love and devotion are that they can use your sentimental feelings against you for their own benefit.
Here’s one thing I know to be absolutely true – when it comes to narcissists, we all want to believe we’ll be the exception to the rule, but none of us ever are.
There simply is not a way to “make things work” with a narcissist that doesn’t involve erasing your own identity, emotions, and needs.
You cannot set boundaries with them (none that they’ll honor, anyway)
You can’t reason with them.
You can’t get them to stop lying, cheating, betraying, etc.
You cannot have a loving, reciprocal, healthy relationship if you’re the only one interested in having it.
And this is the last thing on the narcissist’s mind, even if they try to convince you otherwise. Pay attention to patterns, because patterns never lie.”
I recently explained to my toxic, narcissistic mom that I would not be in contact with her any more, since she has explicitly stated (and proven) that she will do and say whatever she wants, regardless of whether it hurts me or anyone else. I told her I wished her well, that I was grateful to her for the sacrifices she’d made in raising me, but that I would not allow myself to be hurt by her any more.
My mom responded, and this is a direct quote, “You have turned out to have some very strange ideas about how a family works and how to treat your mother.”
Yeah. These past few years I fell in with a real bad crowd that taught me about treating people with kindness and respect, and—even more shocking—having a right to expect the same in return.
They’re some very strange ideas, I know, but I kind of like them.
I finally did it. I went no contact with my toxic, narcissistic mom. I sent her the email yesterday. I’ve been low contact for about 4 years, but I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
So I’ve gone from low contact to no contact. It feels weird. I’m happy and sad at the same time. It’s like someone I love has been kicking me on the floor for 47 years, and now I finally stood up and walked away. So I’m happy that I’m not getting kicked anymore, but I’m sad that I’ll never see the person I loved again.
Because yeah. I loved her. I still love her. No one is all bad, and there are good things about her. But she’s also mean, and … none of the good stuff is worth having someone mean in my life.
So … yeah … I’m free. I’m happy and sad. But I wouldn’t have done this if I wasn’t sure that the happy will win.
They should make “Congratulations on your estrangement!” Hallmark cards.
