The thing I hate the most in life is not knowing how long I’ll have to wait for something.  You might think that this ten-word phrase could be replaced simply with “impatient”, but it’s more than that. I’m very patient and I’m very good at waiting- if I know how long it will be.  I guess it’s a specific kind of impatience.  Whatever it is, it grates at me like nothing else.  When I’m waiting indefinitely for something, I can do almost nothing else. I become incredibly unproductive.

Usually, the antidote to this type of waiting (in my life at least) comes in the form of an email – communication from someone else who will know my fate before I do.  While waiting for the email, I keep my blackberry in my peripheral vision so that I can see the blinking red dot informing me that some kind of information is there – and I hope it’s from the person I’ve been waiting to hear from. Generally, this information means much more to me than to that person.  They’re only a middleman between my torpid waiting state and the glorious future I’ve imagined if the news is good.

If the news is not positive- the pain normally packs less of a punch than the agony of waiting.  Seriously, I get so frustrated and altered while waiting that hardly any outcome can be worse. This strange behavior has clearly made me skilled at getting over things, which I guess is the bright side, but in all truthfulness, I need to get better at waiting.

I’m currently in this state of waiting with no clue as to when I’ll find out the result- and it is crippling.  I’m surprised I’m evening writing anything!  90% of the past week or so I’ve just been sleeping or binge watching Breaking Bad – the show about the chemistry teacher turned meth manufacturer. Regardless of how phenomenal of a program it is, the show only further brings me down as just about every character in it has a dozen ugly flaws overshadowing any semblance of a redeeming one.

Because of the time spent waiting- everything else is in disarray- my home is not picked up, there is no food in my fridge, I haven’t worked out or gone to the pool, and I’ve read zero pages.  Surprisingly, I maintain a rather social nature throughout the waiting – I’ve gone out nearly each night with friends, and had great times.  But I slouch at the nearly always instant, “how are things going?”, question- because I don’t know… yet.  I deflect with a “they’re going” and make the conversation about something, anything, else. 

The biggest fear of course being that if I divulge what the waiting is for, I’ll have to deal with others asking “any news yet?” and if it is bad then having to make the rounds of informing everyone and answering to “oh I’m sorry- that sucks – are you okay?”

I’m fully aware of how dramatic this is.  I know that regardless of any result, I will be “okay”.  I have nothing to complain about, and never have in any of these periods of waiting. In fact, another reason why I’m good at getting over things is my propensity to have many backup plans.  So when one thing doesn’t happen, I’m just on to the next one.  One of my life mantras has been – always be planning 10 awesome things, then if only two of them happen, you’ll still be amazing! And this has worked really well for me… but while I’m waiting for one with no deadline, expected announcement date, or other inkling of when I’ll know- pheww! It’s tough!

Well- now that I’ve publically shared how dirty my house is, I feel pressure to clean it up- so will go do that now.  Maybe that’s the solution to my negative reaction to waiting- not saying what I’m waiting for, but being open about how unorganized it makes me!

Unconditional love is not blind. It sees more not less and because it’s sees more it is willing to see less.