#honest
the days are getting harder to swallow
my dreams are getting harder to follow
my breasts are sagging further
my vagina is becoming needier
my mind is begging for my subconscious to shut the fuck up
because these unknown memories are making my eyes water
in public
i’m stuck on the cycle mode of fuck and abuse
jesus keeps adding quarters to the machine
but today he doesn’t have any more change
jesus is all out of change
jesus cannot feed my machine
now i’m just stuck.
My fault? When I tripped over because I didn’t tie up my shoelaces, that was my fault. When my favourite plant died because I forgot to water him, that was my fault. When I lost a friend because I kept putting off contacting them, that was my fault.
When you locked me in your room, when you tried to finger me under the tables in our science class, when you told everyone we had sex, when you made fun of my body and called me a whore, when you tricked me, when you groomed me, when you made fun of me for going to the police, was that my fault? You say yes, I say fuck you.
Those parts of me I’ll never have back, you stole that. There was no us, and there certainly was no me. You haunt me, when I see you my legs don’t work, and I want to run towards you, to embrace you, then thrust my knife into your back. Because that is what you did to me.
I see you laugh at me; I see you jeer. Whore, slut, skank, did you ever really know my name? Did you know what my favourite colour was? Did you know what show I loved the most? Did you even want me? Or did you want my body? You salivate, dripping drool like a dog with a gaping maw, you ate me, then spat me out when I resisted. You didn’t want me when I fought back.
You’re a monster, a lying cheating beast who prays on those who are smaller. You saw a rabbit, ripe, fresh and full of hopes, and you snapped its neck. For so long that rabbit lay there dormant, its neck hanging like a loose rope. I loved you once, at least I thought I did, I was 12 when you started attacking me. You said you love me, then proceeded to treat me like a toy.
You won, you won finally, I broke. 2 times I stood on a ledge, 2 times I choked myself with a rope. I turned, naïve, thinking maybe you’d see what you did. You were laughing. Mouthing “jump”. So, I tried, and 3 angels held me down, took me to the hospital and tried to fix what they could. They mended my physical wounds and tried to fix my brain. They had to remove the TV remote chord, I tried to die again.
I haven’t seen you since, and that brings me great joy. Every time I hear your name, see you active online, I laugh. I’m not fixed, not yet. I don’t think I ever will be. There’s no way to fix what you’ve broken, but that doesn’t mean that it will always bring me down. One day I know I’ll be able to stop the flashbacks, look past the trauma and know it wasn’t my fault. Until then I just must play it day by day. One day you’ll be scared of me, like how I am with you. And on that day, I will have won.
“I have to be honest, the way you laugh tickles my soul in a way that makes me really happy..”
Feeling the sound of your delight bubbling through my soul is on par with heavenly bliss - eUë
Points for honesty!
Cobra Kai 1x8
“We were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but also ourselves.” -1 Thessalonians 2:8
Once upon a time, I was sitting on the steps of a soccer field, trying unsuccessfully to get two young women to open up to me about their lives, the absolute mess that our bible study was in, and the reasons behind their jealousy of a couple other girls in the community. They suspiciously gave me meaningless answers and turned up the music so I couldn’t ask anymore questions.
But I was a woman on a mission
….or rather three separate staff members told me in no uncertain terms that someone needed to talk to those girls and it had to be a girl who spoke Spanish (literally only me). Also I was pretty sure God was calling me to do so as well.
So it was a bit of a forced mission but I was no less determined for it.
As the beginning of the conversation wasn’t going well, I decided to start praying that God would soften their hearts towards me. And then he spoke to me: “How are they supposed to be open to you when you haven’t been vulnerable with them?”
That’s the mentality we often have when we try to love and minister to others. We expect people to trust us without giving up any part of ourselves to them. Yes, we can tell them that we’re trustworthy and that we believe in God, but if we don’t sacrifice our own comfort zones, can we truly become frustrated when the other person seems unwilling to open up and discuss life with us?
In 2 Thessalonians, Paul tells the church of the Thessalonians that he, Silvanus, and Timothy loved them enough to share the gospel, but also to share their own lives. This is true community- sharing God and sharing ourselves, and that has a price. Sharing ourselves is scary; it means being weak, and being honest, and trusting others. Not too comfortable an idea.
So here’s the end of that story on the steps of a make-shift soccer field:
God asked me what I was willing to give up to follow him, and I said everything.
“Let’s make a deal,” I told the girls. “You can ask me anything you want and if I answer honestly, then I get to ask you a question in return.”
You can assume that they started with the most personal question that could. When I answered honestly, they were so shocked they forgot that only 30 seconds ago they hadn’t trusted me. It was a dangerous game, but I was prepared to pay the price to build community. That game was the start of a 3-4 hour conversation that was centered on real struggle and real questions about God. It was worth every secret I had to give away. It was not only the first time those girls were honest with me, but it was also the first time that they had ever wanted to be. It was a 180 degree change in those relationships, and as a result, my ministry. They changed my heart and I hope I showed them real love in return.
So you want to do discipleship, ministry, mission work, community building, activism, etc. Be genuine. Be authentic. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be trustworthy. Be smart. Be faithful. Be ready to give it all.
-31Women (Beth)
This post is 2/2, you can find the first “The Price of Unity” here
An Adoptee Honestly Answers Questions about Adoption
Since I came out publicly about being a late discovery adoptee I’ve had a lotttt of questions about my views on adoption and have had plenty of adoptive parents email me personally about certain things. I am pretty open about this subject and thought it would be easier putting a single post together to answer the top questions. If you have more you would like me to address please comment or email…
I don’t miss the pain
I do miss the inspiration it provided
Enneagram Tritype Moodboards: (24/27)
468 (The Truth Teller)
Whole lot of sins
#ViolaDavis’ new memoir #FindingMe was released April 26, and as with life, #forgiveness just might be what holds it all together.
The #Chicago Sun Times calls the memoir “Brutally #honest and honestly brutal,” likening Davis to “the victim of a disaster still dazed by the experience but remembering every terrible moment.”
Davis uses her memoir to detail her rise from poverty and other #trauma to emerge alive, intact, and #successful on the other side.
Growing up poor in Central Falls, #RhodeIsland, Davis was often so hungry she and her five siblings had to resort to dumpster-diving for food. School lunches were their only reliable meal. They lived in house that lacked reliable heat and plumbing, and was so rat-infested, she and her sisters tied bedsheets around their necks at night so the rats wouldn’t bite them. They often attended school unwashed, in dirty clothes.
Davis shared experiences of violence and #sexualabuse as children.
“Myself, my mother, my sisters… my friend from childhood, we all have one thing in common,” said Davis at a #RapeFoundation Event in 2020. “We are all #survivors of sexual assault in some way, shape or form.”
She then shared the #heartbreaking story of her sister, who was sexually assaulted at the age of 8. “My sister is now a heroin addict, she’s a prostitute,” she told the crowd. Davis also endured sexual abuse by boys who were supposed to be babysitters.
In addition to the sexual abuse and the poverty, Davis also had to cope with constant #bullying and terrorizing from a group of boys who chased her and threw rocks at her for being Black in the predominantly white town of #CentralFalls.
And if all that wasn’t already far more than enough, she experienced physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her alcoholic father, Dan, who regularly beat her mother, Mae Alice. On one occasion, Davis’ father smashed a glass against her mother’s face until she intervened.
In her memoir, she opens up about how although forgiveness isn’t easy, it’s necessary to survival — just as it was necessary to hers. #SWIPE (for the rest) #SWIPELEFT
Article: Goalcast
Photo: GettyImages
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Shower thoughts.
Does anyone else just stand in the shower on their phone doing whatever, and then look at how long they’ve been in there for just to rush out that quick wash. Cause you’ve been in there for 40 minutes already?
Not many people see me for who I am.
From a distance, I may seem like any other person. But once you know me and dig deeper, there’s more and more that make me stand out from the rest. I’m not like most people, I don’t aim to be. That’s what I like about myself.
When I feel feelings of love, it helps me show even more of who I am. The better sides of myself. The loving and caring side. But I need that love to express that, like plants need water to thrive.
So most people don’t see who I am, aren’t patient enough or maybe just don’t want an honest loving person. But that’s fine. I only want one person, the one right for me. Who I’ll give my all to and who’ll give their all in return.
_
*meets someone new*
*gets along well with them*
*thinks this is different maybe*
*starts to get hopes up*
*it all fails for no reason and I end up getting hurt*
*is definitely cursed*
*continues process over and over again anyway hoping maybe it’ll be better next time*
*nope, definitely cursed*
_
Actions speak louder than words.
Inaction speaks even louder.
_
Al final, no importa que tan sincero seas. Importa que tanto lastimes a alguien. Eso lo cambia todo.
“The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection.”
Quote from Brené Brown in her TED Talk “The power of vulnerability”.
Designspiration
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“Shame is an epidemic in our culture.”
Quote from Brené Brown in her TED Talk “Listening to shame”.
Found on Designspiration
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Zodiac Pairings and what they discover from each other
Aries x Cancer
Aries realizes that there is healthy love out there. Cancer realizes that is is alright to feel uneasy sometimes if it means you can also be swept of your feet.
Cancer x Gemini
Cancer realizes that they like to be there on shared adventures just as much as calmly making time for each other. Gemini realizes how much they’ve longed for someone who truly cares for them.
Scorpio x Leo
Leo realizes what they searched for was in front of them all along, just hidden behind a mask they couldn’t see through. Scorpio realizes what an asset it is to commit to one another.
Leo x Taurus
Leo realizes that actually, they can be interested in stuff they never cared for, if it’s the right person showing it to them. Taurus realizes they don’t ever wanna feel constricted by someone or deadlocked in a realionship.
Movie studios may be able to manufacture stars, but they can’t manufacture what it takes to be a push girl. When Demi Lovato sought treatment for eating disorders and cutting, therapists also discovered she suffers from bipolar disorder. But while most starlets would attempt to cover this up, Demi has shared her troubles with the world in a very raw, honest way. And she didn’t let her problems derail the debut of her album “Unbroken” in Billboard’s top five. Maybe her next feat will be to sing a Push Girl anthem.
Tell your friend she’s got a little Demi Lovato in her. Reblog now to give her a little push.
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Tell him our chapter of your story. Celebrate the ‘us’ that we were and the ‘us’ that we became. Live now, but please, don’t you ever forget back then.
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My book To a Girl I Haven’t Met is available for purchase through the link in my bio.
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#zackgrey #ocean #beach #disaster #remember #forget #sand #shadow #honest #quote (at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware)
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