Captain Levi Ackerman: Vol 13 Cover Version -Commission-(hi-res)
Artist: JBadgr
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I wish more people saw Levi as the grumpy, scruffy, disgruntled man that he is- I seriously take such great pleasure in drawing him that way. That’s why I was pleased as punch to be commissioned by my friend Alex to draw just that!
Getting ready for this years’ fandom event Tolkien Reverse Summer Bang @tolkienrsb, so I’ve lined up my prompts with the finished art from previous years. I loved participating, and can highly recommend!
Early December of fifth year, Sirius turned into a dog.
He was the first out of the three of them to get it. In the tiny space between their beds, a huge black dog jumped around ecstatically, tongue rolling out by instinct, beaming back at three huge grins of the other boys.
It took a while to settle into Padfoot’s mind, it took a while to understand the words again as a dog. But that first time, all he could remember feeling was that when looking at Remus, there was something he recognised in him with a bone-deep conviction— and he knew Moony must have felt it too. All he could remember seeing was the way Moony looked back at him, reached out to him, bursting with disbelief and awe and happiness.
James tried to pick him up from behind, Padfoot tried to shake him off. It ended up being a bear hug and a tumble onto the floor.
“Oy Pads you’re so heavy — Mhmhrg—” he screwed his eyes shut as Padfoot licked all over his face.
-
Sirius knew it was going to come up like this. But that didn’t lessen how awful he felt.
“Remus, please.” he pleaded again, looking at the ground between their feet.
“I can’t let you.”
“Wasn’t this the whole point? Letting us come with you?”
“Not with only one of you! Fuck, Sirius. I know the wolf, you know what the wolf would do. You think I will lock you in there all night alone with it?”
“I will bloody well go find you then!”
“No don’t you dare.”
“But how could I just sit in the dorm doing nothing while you’re out there—”
“You’re not doing nothing! You’re keeping me safe by staying safe yourself— If I’d hurt you, Sirius, I would— fuck. I’d rather I died.”
Sirius rushed forward, closed his arms around Remus and held on as tight as he could. “Don’t. Don’t say that.” He said, voice low. It terrified him to know when Remus said something like this, he’d truly meant it. “Before the next moon. James and Pete will have gotten it too. You’ll let us come with?”
“I—” slowly, Remus lifted his arms to wrap around Sirius’ back, “we’ll have to see. You need to be powerful enough to hold me down. I can’t risk hurting any of you.”
“The last.” Sirius pulled back, grabbing his hand and seeking his eyes, “This is the last moon you spend alone. I promise.”
Remus looked away, “I can’t promise you that, Sirius.”
-
“Sirius, stop.”
Ever since Remus has gone down to the shack alone, Sirius had been pacing the room back and forth. Even Peter had started to protest.
“Pete I just, I can’t believe I’ve still got to sit here, not able to do anything.”
“Your walking a hole into the floor is not going to help him.”
“Argh.” Sirius pulled his hair in frustration. “I can’t stop thinking about it, alright? I should be there!”
“You’re not, and you won’t be tonight. It is what it is, just sit down!”
Sirius was stunned to a stop. Peter was almost never this blunt. James came out of the bathroom then, already in pyjamas, and pushed past him towards the door.
“Prongs, where are you doing?”
“I’m going to find Dorcas, and ask for Care of Magical Creature notes, because Remus was too distracted today,” James said quietly, a hand on the door, “and then I’m going to bed, so I could wake up at sunrise to get Remus from the shack.”
He pinned Sirius with a look, then slipped through the door.
Sirius breathed hard through his nose. He glared at the closed door and tried to push down the flare in his chest, before marching towards it himself.
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk.”
-
Sirius had almost made it out of the common room when a voice called out.
“Hey, Sirius?”
“Not now—”
“No, Sirius, wait—”
Sirius turned around. It was a girl from his Runes class, looking at him expectantly. He almost cried out in despair— not now of all times.
“Monica?”
“Yeah, I thought, well.” She peeked up at him, a shy small smile at her lips, “I wouldn’t have come up to you, but it’s almost Christmas…”
The common room was quiet at this time, but there were still more than a few pairs of eyes looking towards them. He could almost hear the other girl’s heart pounding out of her chest.
And Sirius, truly in accordance of all his self-destructive tendencies, thought, fuck it.
He forced a weak smile which could have passed for a sly smirk, and said, “Well, do you want to go for a walk with me, then?”
Her eyes widened, “yeah, that sounds good. Really good.”
“Where do you want to go? Out of the grounds?”
“But how could we?”
“Oh, I know my way around. Don’t worry.”
-
Whatever possessed him to take Monica out here to Hogsmeade, to the clearing looking towards the Shrieking Shack, he regretted it now. The ramshackle cabin stood not half a mile away. They could hear the noises coming from it. It made Sirius want to tear out his chest— and to know that was probably what Remus was doing to himself now—
They hear a howl.
“What’s that?” Monica grabbed his arm tightly in alarm.
“Oh, it’s haunted. Didn’t you know? Most haunted house in Britain.”
“Really?” her eyes widened, flickering in the moon. “Sirius, I’m scared.”
Sirius laughed flatly, “What’s there to be scared of? You live in a castle full of ghosts.”
“But— what could be making those noises? That can’t have been a ghost.”
“What do you know, must be Moaning Myrtle’s party.”
She chuckled tensely. “Yeah. Must be.”
“Stop you worrying. We’re fine.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
“Oh.”
She was trying to look into his eyes now, though he could barely see her face. With where they were standing, her visage was entirely hidden in shadow, while Sirius’ own was fully lit by the moon. He sighed to himself. Tomorrow she’ll probably be telling her friends all about seeing the moonlight in his eyes, or something. She started to lean in towards him.
–
“Sirius, Sirius wake up.”
“Hmm? Moony?”
It wasn’t Moony, it couldn’t have been. It was a small, feminine hand that was shaking his shoulder repeatedly. They’d fallen asleep in the kitchens after they got back.
“It’s morning. We’re going to miss class. Who’s Moony?”
Sirius snapped up. He missed the sunrise.
“Fuck.”
“Hey, it’s alright. Breakfast’s just started, I think. And we could just eat here.” She walked around the baskets of fresh pastries, but all that the smell did was make him sick.
“I’ve, I’ve got to go.” He said, scrambling towards the door. He didn’t stop to explain or to placate the startled girl.
“Oh, alright. See you soon—”
Sirius raced through the empty halls, breath wheezing painfully in his throat, heart pounding louder than his echoing steps. If breakfast was starting, then it must have been around two hours since the moon has set. Fuck. He wanted to punch a wall, he wanted to punch his own face. He could have cried because how could he?
-
It was clear from the moment he fell by Remus’ bed with the others that he wasn’t the only one furious with himself.
“Remus, hey.” he said breathlessly, “Hi, you guys.”
“Hey Pads.” Peter replied quietly. Remus gave him a closed-lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and James wasn’t looking at him.
“Remus, how are you feeling?”
“Same as always.” he shrugged.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I didn’t go pick you up.”
“It’s alright. You never had to.”
“No—”
“Yeah, it’s fine. We managed alright with the two of us.”
“Hm.” Remus snorted lightly, “only needed two babysitters today.”
“Is there anything else you need?”
“Well, I suppose not. Pomfrey has got me all patched up.”
“We could get some food.” James spoke for the first time since Sirius came in. He looked straight at Sirius. “Padfood? Should we nip down to the hall?”
Sirius nodded slowly, stood up, and followed him out.
-
It was rare to see James Potter angry. It was even rarer to see James Potter angry at Sirius Black.
“Right. So out with it. Where were you all night?”
Sirius looked for the words to explain.
“Peter said you went for a walk. But you weren’t just strolling around moping by yourself, were you?”
Sirius looked away.
“Were you with someone else?” James asked sceptically. “Sirius, who were you with?”
Sirius took a deep breath.
“Monica.”
“What?”
“It was Monica. Gryffindor girl from Runes.”
“Sirius, what the fuck?” James stopped in his tracks, and pulled Sirius by the arms to face him.
“She came up to me, alright?”
“Why the fuck would you have— you said you were worried. Your way of showing that is to find some girl to snog and gallivant around all night?”
“That’s not what I—”
“So you’re saying you didn’t go around with a girl instead of sleeping and coming with us this morning?”
“You’re— not being fair— that’s not what it was like.”
“Then tell me what it was.”
“Well let me explain then.”
“Alright, go on.” James paused at the hall entrance, arms crossed and disbelieving glare sharp behind his glasses.
“I was— worried, I told you. I—” Sirius paused and took a couple of deep breaths. This was James, he reminded himself, James out of anyone wouldn’t hate him. “I’m not like you, the way you always just know how to mother hen us, how to be the most help rather than proselytising or sulking, I—” Sirius peered at James, who was now biting his lips and looking more worried than angry, “I got carried away brooding rather than— doing. The girl just— got in the way. I didn’t want her there, not really. But I know. I’ve been a piece of shit to everyone.” he said quietly to the ground.
Sirius heard James’ long sigh as they began walking again.
“Padfoot?”
“Yeh?”
“You’re such an idiot.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Nah. It’s alright. It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“You got us so fucking worried, Pete thought you must have gone down to the shack, but. Well, as you said, it wouldn’t really help anyone, would it?”
“Prongs—”
“Also, I just don’t understand why you still do it. This whole girls thing. Has it ever ended well for anyone ever?”
“Well I don’t know what makes you keep going after Evans even though you clearly annoy the fuck out of her.”
“Bloody hell, you’re such an ass.” James said as he pushed open the hospital wing door.
-
“You guys alright?” Peter asked, head tilted.
“Padfoot is being a git.”
Remus lifted a questioning eyebrow.
“Nah, we’re alright.” Sirius breathed out, shoving the basket of food at Peter.
-
“So have you told James or should I tell James?”
Sirius’ head snapped up from where it rested on Remus’ hips to look at him. Peter and James had gone to class; Sirius quietly elected himself to stay.
“What do you mean?”
“What you were doing last night? Who was it this time?”
“I— what?”
“You came down, didn’t you? To the shack.”
“How… did you know?”
“The wolf could smell you.” Remus gave him a dry, wry smile. “The both of you.”
“Did you know who it was?”
“It did.”
Sirius’ heart dropped. He hadn’t realised. “It didn’t make things harder?”
Sirius looked down, carefully reached for and held the bandaged arm. Remus didn’t push him away. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t understand. Sirius, I simply don’t understand.”
“The girls thing?”
“Whatever you’re calling it.”
“Yeah. Prongs said that too.”
—
On Christmas morning, Sirius received an enormous blurry picture, taken by Peter, of the most magnificent stag— and a howler from James yelling excitedly about it. In his room, Sirius cheered to himself, loud enough to rival the howler. It was worth everything Walburga might have put him through.
In January, it rained on the night of the full moon. The grounds were slippery and freezing and wet with mud, but they led Moony out of the battered cell, tumbled around and chased each other with so much freedom he’d never known. And in the morning, as they picked their way back in the grey light, muscles bruised and aching, teeth chattering and limbs about to freeze off, Sirius could only think it was all so worth it.
—
When Monica finally approached him after days of glaring from the distance, Sirius was almost relieved to get this over with.
“The entire holiday, no notes, no letters, what was I supposed to think?”
“I told you, I can’t send letters from that madhouse!”
It took a turn, however, when Monica grabbed him and tried to kiss him— Sirius flinched away.
“Why don’t you kiss me?”
“I just don’t feel like it, alright?”
“And why have you never asked to have sex with me? In fact, I don’t think you’ve asked any of the girls you’ve been with.”
“Morgana’s fuck. Have you been asking around? How fucking petty can you—”
“But why is that? Is it ‘cause you don’t know how, or because you can’t?”
“Woah, lay off, won’t you?”
“—Because you’re a bit of a freak, aren’t you?”
Before she could have gotten another word in, Sirius pulled out his wand and hexed.
He’d hear about a detention by the end of the day, but having to be seen walking to the hospital wing with nose hairs trailing to the ground might just get some of them calling her a freak as well.
-
Sirius found Remus just where he expected to, curled into a sofa with a book. Sirius made a beeline towards him.
“You have five seconds to get off me.” Remus said, eyes not leaving his page.
Sirius whined, face buried in Remus’ lap. “I could blackmail you into keeping me.”
“With what?”
“The fact that you talk in your sleep.”
“Where did— that come from?” Remus lightly knocked his head with the book’s spine, “also, I most certainly do not.”
“Did too.”
Remus groaned.
“You really should stop drinking tea before going to bed.”
“Shut up.” Remus muttered.
Sirius smirked into his thigh.
—
Fabian came to visit McGonagall for some war business in spring, and he made time especially to catch up with Sirius, the good chap. They were on the far side of the lake when the-girls-thing came up.
“So, who’s the latest bird in your series?”
“Oh, um. There’s really not been anyone for a while.”
“How come?”
“Got a bit bored, I suppose.”
Fabian laughed, “What, so they’re up to your standard now, are they?” he said, waggling his brows.
“I mean. It’s just girls, it’s just kissing. No big deal.”
Fabian looked at him curiously.
“It wasn’t particularly interesting.” Sirius continued, “But I just thought I might as well, since the girls seemed to like it so much. I could probably do without all the nonsense that comes with, to be honest.”
“Mate. Why are you doing it if you aren’t having fun?”
“Oh you know. I thought it’s just something you do for them. Stuff like buying flowers and chocolates.”
“Buddy, you know your average bloke actually enjoys that kind of stuff, for himself?”
“I do too,” Sirius said quickly, “sort of.”
“Oh, but you know what I mean.”
Sirius lifted an eyebrow, and looked at him. Do I?
“Then what about you?” he eventually asked.
“Me? I am an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort.”
Fabian winked. Sirius felt his cheeks warm— as he never did, with a girl.
-
At some point, they had started kissing. And Sirius had immediate thought, yeah, this makes so much more sense. And for a moment he was perfectly content, everything was glorious clear, until—
Until Fabian’s hands wandered down and down and pressed between his legs, Sirius froze. There was precisely one memory his entire brain short circuited to.
He shifted his legs unfortunately over Fabian’s lap, only to find that Fabian was hard. He sprang up.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Fabian looked at him in confusion.
“I’m sorry, Fab, mate, but— no.”
-
Remus was sitting on his bed, again with a book. Sirius immediately crawled in next to him, curling into Remus’ side. It was warm and safe and familiar and comfortable and was about the only thing that would have made him feel better.
-
“Argh!” Remus cried out in frustration, snapped the book shut and threw it down onto the bed.
Sirius, who had draped himself across Remus’ back and was reading with his chin on his shoulder, jerked up in alarm. “Wait what’s wrong?” He said, startled.
“I can’t stand him. Anthony is such a prick.”
“What are you talking about? I like Anthony!”
“Why in Merlin’s hell would you say that?”
“Well he’s cute. And soft. I like it when they’re all quiet and gentlemanly on the outside but burns on the inside, you know? Sensitive and passionate and hey, you know, he’s a bit like you, isn’t he? The sarcasm streak checks out for sure.”
But Remus was looking at him with creased brows and mouth slightly agape. He looked a bit horrified. “Oh god. You’re right.” Remus muttered, and sighed resignedly, “fair enough. Another one of those, huh? Can’t make his mind up about anything, spends his time daydreaming about ideals and pretends to have principles but doesn’t do a thing in real life to fight for them.”
“Hey, that’s not what I said!”
“Same difference.”
“That’s not how it works, you’re supposed to see that he’s a good person.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “then why’d you tell me Anthony’s like me?”
“Stop that, Moony.”
“Oh, I mean. Sure, one might enjoy seeing themself reflected in a character, therefore catching where you shine and accepting your flaws,” he said robotically, “But I don’t. I don’t want to read about myself. I annoy the hell out of myself!”
“What are you even hating about Anthony?” Sirius said bewilderedly.
“Come on, Pads, are we even reading the same book? Obviously Anthony should have stuck with his wife and child! Instead of running off with that boy. Gods. And the way he made Terrence drop everything in his life too—”
“Yeah but think what he’s feeling— he’s lost a family once, he must be terrified of losing it again.”
“Oh he’s such a coward! Running off to have his adventure because he’s scared of what his past meant, running away whenever things start to intimidate him!”
“It’s not just some adventure, what if they were unhappy about what their life was? What if they felt so hopeless the only thing they could do was to run?”
“They weren’t hopeless, they were so far from hopeless! Anthony could have had a happy home— he could have had a family! And Terrence, Terrence had everything set up, a career, a community, a future, and how could he have just thrown that all away?”
“Yeah but he’s gay! He’s trying to be true to himself!”
Remus blinked, “He’s gay? I didn’t think he was?”
“Remus!” Sirius keened, caught between a squeak and a laugh, “He’s literally running away with a boy.”
“Though he clearly liked women too?”
“Where did it say that?”
“Well where did it say he was gay? Anthony adores his wife!”
“If he does then why would he be running away?”
“Exactly! He’s a coward!”
“That’s just what you see!”
“And Terrence too. This whole thing of ruining your life but it’s okay and it’s romantic because it’s for love, it’s just— I don’t understand why anyone would think that’s worth it. And for Godric’s sake, it’s another person you’re giving up everything for. It makes no sense. Who in their right mind—”
“How d’you know it makes no sense for someone else? I mean just look at James with Lily, he’d clearly do anything for her, and it doesn’t always mean you have to ruin your life, Merlin.”
Remus shook his head slowly, “No you’re right. I still just don’t understand. Not James either.”
“Well then don’t say it like it’s something universal if it’s only you who don’t get it!”
Remus’ face did a funny twist. Then he let out a huff of air, and turned to Sirius who instantly grinned at him. Remus shook his head again and laughed.
“Ugh. I want to read something else.”
“Yeah alright.” Sirius flopped onto his back, “have you got the Muggle philosophy books? Nietzsche maybe?”
“He’s a bit weird about women and all.”
“Moony he’s weird about everything. I think he’s funny, and anyway we can make fun of him and laugh at how he’s wrong.”
Remus chuckled, pushing off the side of the bed towards their bookshelves, “As you wish.”
-
“Do you want to kiss me?” Sirius suddenly said, some time later. The two of them were still curled around a book in Remus’ bed, close and warm and comfortable under the duvet.
And Remus looked like he wanted to laugh, “Not particularly, why?”
“Oh.” Sirius said, and then started to grin. “Well, good. Me neither.”
And Sirius felt a weight in his chest evaporate into thin air. It was so easy. It was as simple as that.
