#i wish i didnt love you
I just want to give him all the love I have left to give, because I think this just might be it for me.
Sometimes when I think about him I convince myself I was too young for it to be real and I didn’t actually love him, but rereading old messages and reading the posts i made for him reminded me that I did love him, I loved him as much as 16 year old me could love and when it ended, when he finally gave up on me, I was devastated. I truly thought there was a time that we could have been forever, that it was always going to be me and him forever. I thought he was the one that I would marry, the one that I would spend the rest of my life. I was a teenager, a baby, in highschool and I let this boy convince me that we were going to be each other’s only love and I know that was true for me, but it was never true for him and that is something that I have to be okay with. He was a master manipulator back then and he always knew what to say to get me to stay and it was devastating. He never loved me the way that I loved him and that’s something I don’t think I ever came to terms with. I wanted to believe that even though he didn’t act like it, he loved me and he thought we were forever. It’s been a few years since then but I still don’t think that I ever got over that. I would have died for him and I wish I didn’t feel as strongly as I did for him but I did. I truly did. I have always felt things deeply and my god I loved him. He was my first boyfriend, we had an on and off relationship for years before he decided he was done. He led me on and played with my heart, he knew how dedicated I was to him, he knew there wasn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t do for him, and he took advantage of that. He found the dumbest things to break up with me for, he always made sure that I wouldn’t move on, and he never returned the feelings. I know that now and it hurts, but there’s no one I can talk to about it because it was years ago and I have a new boyfriend now that should be everything to me and for some reason I am thinking about the first boy that broke my heart.
