I wish I had a better reason for being this broken but instead I’m just constantly drunk and alone, trying to fix the broken pieces of me with drugs and alcohol that never works.

I would rather be broken than break someone else…

One of the worst feelings in this world is mourning the loss of someone who isn’t dead, just not there anymore. When you have to go through the grief over someone who is still alive, they just don’t want you.

I don’t think I will ever be enough There is something broken inside of me, like I am just made of broken pieces someone couldn’t quite fit together in the way they were supposed to. Like I was shattered at some point and they gave up before they got it right. I don’t think this is how humans are supposed to feel and now I am just sad and alone and scared and I think this is how its always going to be..

damn I wonder what it’s like to be happy

I would do anything and give anything not to feel like this anymore. I just want to feel something else.

Im content with the fact that love wasnt meant for me and some people are too damaged for anything other than occasional attention when it suits others.

I used to think we were going to be like a fairy tale. But the things you did to me? 

That was out of a horror movie.

I just have to hope theres something after this, that theres something better than everything leading up to this point because theres no way that this pain and this heartache is all there is

It has to be worth it..

Its tragic isnt it?

Feeling so alone in a world this full of people? 7.5 billion other souls on this planet and it feels like you are going through it all alone.

I hate that I’m always so alone, especially on nights like this where my depression gets the best of me and suddenly I realize how alone I am. I dont have anyone to turn to when this happens, I don’t have people who are actually there for me. No one ever knows what to do and I just feel like even more of a burden. I feel like a burden all the time and I dont know how to reach out to people when I feel like the world is coming down around me and it feels like the only thing that will make it stop is just to stop existing. I dont want to feel alone. I just want to be able to connect to other people without feeling like theres something wrong with me, like I’m broken.

My mental health has never been worse and I’m crying alone at 2am bc I don’t have people there for me and I don’t know how to change that.

Tonight is one of those nights where my chest feels heavy and I cant stop crying and I really just want someone to talk to.

I’m so tired of feeling so alone..

I just want to give him all the love I have left to give, because I think this just might be it for me.

Nothing in this world is forever, I was foolish to believe that we would be any different..

I’m here for all the people who have been abused in the past and now flinch when people move to fast and get scared when people talk to loud/shout and have become overall really jumpy especially when the people around them find out they are jumpy and then do it just to mess with them and think it’s funny when they get scared and when they jump and I’m here for the people who are too scared or polite or shy to ask people to STOP and it’s not funny and or explain that it’s because of trauma and it’s not something to do because it amuses you. I’m here for the people who have to go through it every day without fail. Itll be okay, I support you and I understand.

If you find someone who you are friends with or someone who you just passively know, and you find out they are jumpy/skittish, dont be an asshole and exploit it. Its not funny, it can be terrifying to them. Dont be rude. Dont scare them on purpose. It’s not hard to not be cruel.

Once, just once, I want to feel the love I give. I just want to be loved back.

Sometimes when I think about him I convince myself I was too young for it to be real and I didn’t actually love him, but rereading old messages and reading the posts i made for him reminded me that I did love him, I loved him as much as 16 year old me could love and when it ended, when he finally gave up on me, I was devastated. I truly thought there was a time that we could have been forever, that it was always going to be me and him forever. I thought he was the one that I would marry, the one that I would spend the rest of my life. I was a teenager, a baby, in highschool and I let this boy convince me that we were going to be each other’s only love and I know that was true for me, but it was never true for him and that is something that I have to be okay with. He was a master manipulator back then and he always knew what to say to get me to stay and it was devastating. He never loved me the way that I loved him and that’s something I don’t think I ever came to terms with. I wanted to believe that even though he didn’t act like it, he loved me and he thought we were forever. It’s been a few years since then but I still don’t think that I ever got over that. I would have died for him and I wish I didn’t feel as strongly as I did for him but I did. I truly did. I have always felt things deeply and my god I loved him. He was my first boyfriend, we had an on and off relationship for years before he decided he was done. He led me on and played with my heart, he knew how dedicated I was to him, he knew there wasn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t do for him, and he took advantage of that. He found the dumbest things to break up with me for, he always made sure that I wouldn’t move on, and he never returned the feelings. I know that now and it hurts, but there’s no one I can talk to about it because it was years ago and I have a new boyfriend now that should be everything to me and for some reason I am thinking about the first boy that broke my heart.

I am so tired of loving people who will never love me back. 

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday.. I wish that I could forget when your birthday was. It would make it so much easier. I hate that I always get sad. This year will be seven years since you decided to leave me, leave our home, leave and start another life with another family. A family you decided to stop drinking and doing drugs for, god knows that I was never enough for you to stop. I dont know why I wasnt enough for you, why your family couldn’t have just been me and you. You left me. You abandoned me. You abandoned me with a STRANGER. You left me in the house of a woman I had only known a few days and you never came back. Thank god your mother stepped up and raised me. You left and that was the last I heard from you for two years. When you came back you had a wife and another family and you said that you wanted to be a part of my life again and you lied to me. You came to my 8th grade promotion, left halfway through, and I havent seen you since. That was almost five years ago. You couldn’t even be bothered to come to EITHER of my graduations, I know you knew about both of them. One of them was in your CITY and you STILL couldn’t be bothered to come and see me. I graduated high school with my associates degree, more than you did, and you still couldnt even send me a message saying congrats. I even tried to make amends and sent you a message asking for an address to send you a graduation announcement and you left me on read. We haven’t talked in years. You dont talk to me on the holidays, on my BIRTHDAY, either of my graduations, and you would think that eventually I would get the hint that you didnt want to talk to me, that you didnt want to be around me and maybe I could move on, but all I feel is pain. I don’t know why I keep trying to message you. Why I keep checking your social media to get some idea of how your life is. When you left me, you broke my heart. You ripped it out of my chest and took it with you to wherever you went and you never gave it back. You took my childhood. The day you left me was the day that I gave up any hope of being enough for anyone. If my own parents couldnt love me and stay, why would anyone else? You were my first heartbreak and you were by far the worst one because it keeps happening. Over and over again. Holidays and birthdays all I can think about is you. I have been through so much since then, things you will never know about because you didnt care enough to stay. You werent there the for the time a boy in middle school broke my heart for the first time, when all I wanted was for my dad to hug me and tell me it would get better, you were no where to be found. You will never know about the times I tried to kill myself. You werent there when my best friends stepdad recorded me naked in the shower when I was 13. You will never know how much I struggled with my mental health. You never taught me to drive a car, you werent there when my dog died, or when my cat died. You werent there when I would get into fights with my best friends and wished I had a parent to come home to. You werent there when my grandma was in the hospital and I was left completely alone. You werent there when I met my mom for the first time. You werent there when I tried to run away. You were never there. You were in a city, less than three hours away and couldnt be bothered to text me. We live in the same city now, I came here for college and we literally live in the same fucking place and you still cant be bothered to reach out. I know you know I am here. I know between my mom, grandma, and social media posts you know I am here, so close to you and its still not enough to get you to care. 

I would give anything not to feel this hollow empty feeling in my chest when I think of you or when I hear your name. I wish I could just stop caring about you because god knows I have been so much better without you. You were a drunk and a drug addict and even when you were here physically, you werent here mentally. I have done amazing things, you should be proud of me but youre gone and thats something that I have to live with every single day. I wish I could just move on and stop feeling all of this anger and rage and hate in my heart. I dont want it. I dont know how to move on from you when I never got the closure that I deserved. You were there one day and then the next day you just werent. I wish I knew why I wasnt good enough for you. It was supposed to be me and you against the world forever. I was supposed to be your child and you abandoned me and broke my fucking heart. I dont even know why I am writing this, its not like you will ever see it, and even if you did its not like you would care. Its your birthday, we are in the same city, and I have to be okay with the fact that I will never be enough for you.