#spilled emotions

I have spilled pieces of me that no longer breathed. I feel dead, inside and out. Yet I try to smile because I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong. If only I had known what’s wrong, I might have done something about it. But I don’t know. So I live –like a burden upon myself.

I have to dream it all over again. I have to murder the old characters —the smiling faces. I have to envision a different story and paint a new picture. Same place. But a different soul to bond with. I have to let go of the part of me that existed in micro moments and flashes.

I chose a wrong path to infidelity. I tied my limbs to unbreakable bonds. I lost my breaths over moments that did not exist. I let myself burn in ashes and smoke away in ghosted air. I have been my own enemy.

a dream so beautiful it aches.

I have this vision that encroaches my mind like a pandemic. I am looking out the glass window -upon the tall buildings and bright, flickering lights from a dark bedroom dimmed with pure darkness. You walk to stand behind me, wrapping your careful hands around my timid waist. Your chin on my shoulder as we hear the entire world going silent. Everything in slow motion, everything vanishing in the background. It’s us against the world -just as we craved for. A dangerous feeling that makes us feel safe for the one and only time. We are here every night resting our realities to a graveyard where dreams live.

I am the sinner and the saint. I am the broken and the healer. I am the whimper and the laughter. I am the ocean and the sky. The day and the night. I am nothing. But I am everything.

I thought I had a shoulder to cry on.

Until I woke up and realised it was a frozen plank.

I am ashamed that I cannot figure out yet what I want. What I have always wanted. Because what is life without longing?

She drew in trouble wherever she went. There was something odd about her. Maybe it was the way her eyes laid on anyone. Or it was the way she couldn’t let anybody help her. They all thought they knew her. But it wasn’t what it was. They only knew what she wanted them to believe. Nobody knew her. So when she disappeared, she left no traces behind. Some say it was a getaway. But I know. I know she was taken.

I am throwing my own body in the ocean full of giant whales with sharp teeth to rip my body off as if it never existed. I want to let the wolves have the big sacrifice and feast on it as they’ve been longing for. Here, in this place where they kill, I found love. I’ve found it where it wasn’t supposed to be.

The last time I saw her she was blooming like daisies, wearing a weary smile, cloaked in hopeless gown of despair. She told me she was scared of something -or someone. Her dreams caught the best of her, fell down trying to fly so high. She told me she had left God behind and she was ashamed. The last time I saw her, she was fading but she was alive. They killed her. Piece by piece. Second by second. The last time I saw her I could hear her breathing ashes of her broken soul.

And you don’t even like me. But you like the idea of me —the idea of having me.

I need somebody to save me -literally.

From this point on, I need someone to hold my hand tight, hear my heart breaking, let me cry with my head against their chest. Sit with me in silence, for a little while.

I need someone to do a ritual, cleanse my soul. Bury my sinful soul and burn it. To help me get out of this vicious cycle of addiction. I cannot do it. If I could, I would. But I have certainly crossed the point. 

I am unaware of the days and nights. I am unaware of my whereabouts. I don’t know who I have talked to. I don’t know the people I see everyday. They look like walking corpse to me. I am already living in an apocalypse. And I need help.

This unfaithful sobriety from the taste of you -I almost once had in my mouth.I am staying quiet and I am staying shut.

I am aware I am not allowed to admit that I miss you. Because you gave me no reason to. Even if it means death, I want to die whispering the truth,

talking to your heart, before it stops beating too. 

I do not have a promise to make while my existence is vanishing. I hope you can forgive me for not existing -because I am but not here. It worries me to think of who is going to take care of you once I’m gone, it cuts me to my core. But something has been pulling me to the other side of it, and I’m afraid I’ld have to go.

I exist —only in a memory.

 I do not really fall asleep, I am always stuck in a transition phase -my soul hanging between the two worlds. I dream of things that darken my days like nothing else. Nightmares, not of ghosts, but of people. People hunting me down, taking the best of me, in ways words cannot describe. I wake up, breathless, not moving for an hour cause I am never sure if I am still being looked for, if the monster is gone, so I hold my breath, I don’t move. I lay there, still, haunted by the shadow of someone who is so eager to hurt me, weaken me down, I almost feel dead.

“I seek love, yet I hide from it when it reaches out.

I seek the warmth of a lover but cower when it surrounds me.

I seek the words laced with honey but accept those filled with poison.

I seek eyes filled with adoration but find an empty space in front of me.

I seek someone in my sheets, my hands roaming to find someone, but only stumble upon blankets and cold sheets.

I seek a smile but find myself drowning in tears.

I seek a life filled with love but find myself running away when it finds me.

I wish upon the stars to find what I am seeking to find me before I yield and cower again.

I pray there comes a day where I’ll stumble upon all the things I yearn for and that the warmth, the smile will grab me with so much strength that I will have no choice but to accept it with everything in me.

Because for once, I’ll allow the love I run away from to fill me up with everything I wished upon the stars, and for once, I’ll smile without any fear.

It’ll look me in the eyes and tell me that what I had been seeking was just waiting for me to accept myself and be free of the chains.

The smile and the crinkle beside their eyes will tell me that I was everything they too were seeking for, and they were glad we found each other in a place that had no place of running away.

I seek for you, and I pray you also seek for me.

I wish upon the stars that when we find each other, it will all be enough.

Because baby, you’re all my wishes upon the stars.”

- g.d. (the stars)

“You’re always allowed to heal, always.”

- g.d.

“You taught me how to love, forgive and care. You taught me how tough it could get and all the despair. You taught me my first words and how to eat, you made me everything I am, and I will ever be. Life seems dull when you’re not around, but with your one smile, everything turns around. You’ve given so much and asked for so little, you’ve sacrificed your dreams to make mine achievable. All my love and actions in this world will fall short in comparison to yours; it will take me a lifetime and many more to reciprocate yours. If I have only one wish, I hope that when I am born again, I have you as my mother all over again. because mommy, no matter where I am, I love you a thousand times more.”

- g.d. (Happy Mother’s Day)

“Why should I settle for mediocre when I know I’m worthy of exceptional.”

- g.d. (settling)