#in solitude

-.✦･｡ﾟrkopenevent: rkfreestyle
           for park junse’s school project-.✦｡ﾟ

There is one thing to be able to memorise raps that has already been made by others, but it’s definitely something completely else to make one’s own. While Ryujin learn easily and can do verses as an act of mimicry she would never call herself a rapper, so she is taken aback by a request of freestyling by a student called Park Junse. She is about to decline, her expression already scrunching up like it usually do when she is about to laugh awkwardly, when he state that it’s for a school project. Suddenly she just can’t say no, the dancer want to help.

Not that she know what she is helping with, other than giving him content for his project. That has to be enough though because honestly, freestyling on the spot isn’t easy. At least she’s a little experienced in the sense of knowing many raps by heart, but she know that the quality of her upcoming verse is going to be the ultimate piece of trash. She’s given nothing to work with whatsoever and is left with her pure imagination, mind pitch black for a couple of seconds as it work on full speed. Her stare is blank while she think, but then she suddenly begin.

There is a thunderstorm coming
So I might just be going,unknowingif it’s true
It’s an issue, dont continue, step inside for a minute
Please be safe,yesterday’s weather will come back
Ah… come on, let’s get a snack

-.✦･｡ﾟrkopenevent: rkdanceoff
           saay - zgzg @-  1million dance studio.✦｡ﾟ

If there is one place that Ryujin feels at home it’s within the four walls of the dance studio that she has attended for so long as she can remember. Almost ten years has passed already, it’s been that long ago since she took her first step into 1MILLION for the very first time in her life. Back then she found it terrifying although alluring, there were so many people that were much better than her, and much older than her. Ryujin was only nine years old back then, but now it definitely is different. Eighteen years old and confident as ever, she is ready to film for the new choreography that will air on YouTube that is indluding the very SAAY.

Ryujin is beyond stoked, and honoured. Although she isn’t part of the main group that actually will be dancing with SAAY she will at least be in the same room, dancing the same choreo. An opportunity she likely won’t get again anytime soon, so she jumped at it the second she heard that they asked for people to perform for the video. The song is a bop too in Ryujin’s opinion if anything. When it released early June she knew right off the bat that she wanted to dance to it somehow, and though she has been playing around with the song for herself she was glad as Mina Myoung announced it for her next choreography. It was just perfect.

Preparing herself for her turn she do a bit of her own thing in the background, but not so much that the attention can be traced back to her. Ryujin will get her screen time soon enough, it’s a matter of seconds before she and the two other girls step into the center and get in their zone. The music start a little into the intro, just before the first verse begin and when it does Ryujin’s right at it with clean moves. She is one of the two in the back but that does not stop her from a strong performance, the dancer of fifteen years is oozing with charisma and confidence. She’s loving the dance and she’s loving the song, Ryujin want to make SAAY proud.

Though the idol surely won’t care about Ryujin that is of no concern, she’s just happy that she had the opportunity to be in the presence of the idol. They are almost synchronical when they dance together, each wanting to be better than the other. When the song come to an end she could wish that the choreography lasted for longer than one and a half minute. It’s longer than most of the usual pieces but still, if she had it her way then she would keep danging.

-.✦･｡ﾟrkopenevent: rkship
           throwback to: winter -06 -.✦｡ﾟ

Time has passed far over Ryujin’s bed time but her parents are not home to tuck her in, those  busy bees usually never are with her father working late and her mother somewhere filming a new drama or movie. So instead of in her own bed she find herself in a different room, playing with her favourite ninja turtles. The weather outside is dark and gloomy, wind hitting where the home hurt the most and it give in to the power or Mother Earth; Ryujin is scared when it begin to shiver, she doesn’t want to be alone when the thunder rumble just outside her window. She glances up from time to time, she feel safe in the presence of her step-brother.

Jonghyun has to work on a project, she know that very well, so she’s as quiet as a five year old child can possibly be when afraid. Falling deeper and deeper into her imaginary world she has the habit of humming to herself, and so she begin whilst playing. When she hear her brother’s voice in the background it’s not as harsh as she expected it to be, but she look up from all the toys in surprise nonetheless. Her eyes big and round as though she has been caught doing a bad thing, Ryujin wasn’t even aware that she had made any disturbing noise. She wait for the hushes, scolding or notice that she has to go to bed because she was disruptive.

“Ryujinnie, would you hum that for me again.”

And she does precisely as told, without asking why. Her attention shift back to her toys as the ninja turtles give her strength to remember and the soft tone of a young child fill the otherwise quiet bed room, the only thing heard in the background being the fans of the computer. Ryujin eveutually is asked to come over and without hesitation, she throw her action figures away as she jolt up and towards the male. Secretly she has been waiting for an opportunity to come sit on his lap, all the while since she stepped into his room hours ago. Not only is she scared due to the weather but also, she is curious what Johyun is doing during such late hours.

As she sit there on his lap she is asked to hum that same melody, and not to stop until he say that she can. It’s not said as an order but rather an encouragement, Ryujin relax in what feels like an embrase and she smile softly when she lean against a strong chest. She begin to hum again, the theme run non-stop as though she’s on repeat. The little girl is tired, so very tired it doesn’t even bother her that Jonghyun keep working on his computer and his little keyboard that he keep on the side even if it means that he bump into her from time to time. Ryujin hum, and the more she hum the more difficult it is for her to stay awake… until she fall asleep.

—»﴾: BROKEN.

MNET Global Autidions S5E6 — Aftermath.

The lump in her throat grow with each step that bring her closer to home. She feels numb, she feels like the very soul has escaped her body to leave her with an empty shell that looks like a typically bright and promising teenager. Ryujin is anything but that right now however, after having been eliminated from a show that she saw as her last chance back into the business and to reach a dream that has been her dream since she was a mere nine year old chick. 

Her phone vibrates in her hand and yet she can’t bring herself to look at it and face the person who desperately try to contact her, she already know who is calling her. Ryujin know that she’ll eventually have to look Yeji in the eye, they live in the same building complex and they also do attend to the same dance studio, but now is not the time. She wonder how she will be able to– after recording she was quick to leave, once the opportunity struck that is, without being disrespectful.

Well, quick as one can be while absolutely devastated, that is. Two of her best friends are still competing and though she is happy for them, she has no energy to think about Yeji and Juho. Not right now, it’s too much for her and she know that it’s selfish. Tears threaten to escape the drowning eyes but she isn’t one to cry, Ryujin doesnotwant to cry… She reach home, having spent about double the time she usually does because her feet are just that heavy to move.

She is as slow as Flash in Zootopia when she reach for the keys to her apartment but instead of opening the door she just stands there for a moment, trying to control her breath and collect herself. She doesn’t know why because there is no one there waiting for her, but she suppose that once she close the door behind her the journey is actually over. The door opens, and she move one foot in front of the other, the door closes, and it’s like she has no legs anymore.

Ryujin is glad that she is alone but in reality, she could have needed someone to lean on. She whimper loudly when her legs give in and she hit the floor, ultimately it becomes too much and the tears roll out and down chubby cheeks. Sobs that hopefully nobody can hear fills the room while she hug her arms around her knees, Ryujin tries to bite back the cries but they come out uncontrollably beacuse it hurts so much. She was so close, but it wasn’t enough.

She wasn’tenough. 

-.✦･｡ﾟMGA season 5: episode 5
             sunday 07/21, practice at royal entertainment
             mentioned: @rkjaemin,@rksuwoong,@rkxsnh

TRIGGER WARNING: migraines (headache, nausea), medications

Ever since Ryujin woke up this morning she has felt unweel in an eerie kind of way, the feeling that something is wrong haunting her from the very moment she opened her eyes because it’s appearing to be a brand new sensation. She’s nervous, abnormally so really, when she makes her way to the Royal Entertainment, a route that is becoming familiar with time as result of the practice happening there. It’s early, but not too early. Ryujin follow the company’s schedule as good as she can while excluding the breakfast, especially today since her appetite vanished– that alone is strange, and anyone who knows her would recognise the change.

She is the first one to arrive out of both groups and a staff member is showing her the way, it’s the same way that she has walked many times already during the past few days but she know that she has to be escorted by someone. She met them with a tired smile, head bowing in that typical respect that she show to anyone who is more authorised than herself. As someone who rarely ever has a headache it’s unbearable even to walk like this, silence consumes the short trip from the entrance and up to the practice room but their footsteps are loud enough. She has no time to stay at home though, she has no time to rest. It will pass, is what she tell herself and that especially when she notice that SUWOONG arrive a little while after her.

Eyes twitch slightly by the sight of him, briefly and so quickly that nobody would notice. While they settle their things and prepare to practice she notice that something is different, still. The lights are so much brighter than they were the day before, the sounds are so much louder. It doesn’t take Ryujin long to realise that this is going to be an incredibly long and tiresome day, and she has only just arrived at 9AM. JAEMIN arrive not long after, with his textbooks. They are practicing the dance still, perfecting it the best that they can because although JAEMIN is a very strong, creative rapper has he expressed it isn’t the same when it comes to dancing. He isn’t a dancer, but that’s okay.

He is teamed with two dancers, after all– one way or another, they will all manage to learn the choreography. Luckily for him, the song that they chose doesn’t require much technique. If the famous P.O can pull off the stage then she is sure that JAEMIN can as well, they just need for him to practice, practice, practice. And Ryujin believes in him, she has huge faith in him. She’s worried for other reasons though, which she blame her unwellness for. Surely no one else has noticed how SUWOONG has treated her the past days, no one but herself because it is easier to notice when it happens to oneself. She doesn’t get it, what has she ever done to him?

SUWOONG is particularly picky with her, he always leave her to choose lastly and he flee the scene with her once breaks hit. Instead of getting to know her he’s seemingly everywhere but with his own group, every chance he get, and she slowly begin to feel worse and worse. They seem like small “innocent” things things but small “innocent” things add up rather quickly, and she honestly don’t feel welcome or liked in her very own group… and she simply do not know what she has done wrong, SUWOONG just seem to hate her for no apparent reason. She’s a hardworking girl who usually don’t take breaks but today, she has to.

She simply has to, or she will puke right there and then though that is a fact that she decided against telling her group about. It’s not like the elder male would understand anyway, Ryujin’s absolutely sure about that, because everything she does in his presence seems to be wrong. Closing up towards lunch time it’s becoming unbearable, overwhelming is an understatement and she honestly feel so awful that she want to sit down and cry. The waves come and go yet she can’t seem to find a pattern, suddenly there is a severe rush of nausea and then suddenly there is a immensely throbbing pain in her head. What is going on?

The only pattern she notice is that whenever a wave of sickness appear, her heart beat so fast and so forcibly against her chest that she wonder whether it will jump out of her very body. As she sit down for another break SUWOONG seems to have had enough of it and calls for a fifteen minute break himself. The lump in her throat grows bigger and bigger because she’s scared, it frightens her that she don’t know what is going on with neither SUWOONG nor herself. Ryujin uses the given break to call Jonhyun, her step-brother who happens to work within the branch of medicine, after excusing herself to the hallway just outside the practice room.

His message is quick and simple, Ryujin needs to find herself a place to rest and she know to listen to his advices. If there is anyone that she look up to, it is him. There is nothing that is as important as time at this very moment so she hurry the best she possibly can to find one of the nearby staff members, who agrees to show her the company’s infirmary where she is allowed some rest and some meds to relieve the symptoms. Ryujin isn’t sure what she is given but she takes it regardless, wanting to get better sooner rather than later so that she can return to the practice. Gosh, she forgot to tell JAEMIN where she was going. 

Well, surely the staff member would let them know. Before she lay down to rest she put on an alarm to make sure that she won’t oversleep, and she pass out almost the moment she closes her eyes. Just before that, she manages to send off a few texts to her best friend.

text sent to @rkxsnh (  혜주 ) —— (2)

✉ ▸ i feel so sick… i don’t know what’s goign on 
✉ ▸ i’m at the infirmary, i don’t want to be sent home…   

The alarm wakes her back up and although she feels better in the sense of why she came into the infirmary, Ryujin feels utterly rotten inside. If she could go back to sleep she would but she can’t, so instead she drag herself out of the comfortable hospital bed and sloppily head back– she hopes that this decaying feeling will pass with time, and she wonder just what on Earth she was given just an hour earlier. That were some strong meds, that is for sure. She squints most of the way back to the practice room where JAEMIN and SUWOONG practice with the other trio because the lights are so gosh darn bright today, but find the room near empty upon arrival.

Oh well, she will have to practice on her own then. Ryujin doesn’t think much of it, other than wondering where they might be, they surely will return shortly anywyay… she hopes, anyway. And they do precisely so, she has only danced for a few minutes when they return and she’s noticing a slight change in JAEMIN’s face that makes her curious. It’s not very obvious, but it was enough for her to notice as she has spent quite some time with the other already. They’re not close, far from it, but she admire the other and he intrigues her. But hey, they brought her a sandwich! When she think about it, she hasn’t eaten the whole day, appetite non-existent.

“My head is fine,” she responds shortly because she know that he SUWOONG only ask about her head out of courtesy. A smile appears  though, due to the food. “But thanks. I appreciate it.”

They aren’t grouped for long before JAEMIN offer to fetch some drinks, and ask Ryujin if she would like to accompany him on the trip outside. Strange as it may be she gladly accepts that offer right away, fresh air sounded amazing when she still feel completely dead inside but she realised quickly that something was up, just like everything today. Sandwich in hand, she eats it on the way greedily, suddenly realising how hungry she really is. The questions that he bring her hurts more than she thought they would, and the fact that he seemingly believed for even a second that the rumors are true hurt even more. She can’t blame him however, he was never there to witness what actually happened with Amarante.

Ryujin explains to him the best she can, without revealing too much. It seriously baffles her how effective rumors are, whether they are true or false, and she suddenly understand what has been going on with SUWOONG, that he has been spreading lies about her all along. Her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach and once again, she want to cry while she don’t. Even if the tears are threatening to roll down rosy red cheeks she will not grant him that satisfaction, and she will not cry in front of JAEMIN. Drinks ordered, waited for and now in hand, they make their way back to the building where Ryujin has forgot for the moment that they are recording.

Other matters are more important right now and if the “GOLDEN TRIO” is supposed to have a chance to win they need to settle things, right away. So she approach the elder male, in midst of a face time which he end rather quickly upon their arrival. Ryujin doesn’t beat around the bush and ask why he is out and about telling false truths to people, and where the lies come from. Tears are evident in her eyes, but she still does not cry. He responds with a question of his own, whether she call his cousin a liar– she is confused, she doesn’t even know who this cousin is and how she is related to the matter. SUWOONG says that he doesn’t appreciate that she insult his cousin in front of him and she want to snort, the audacity.

“Yeah, please call her.” She agrees to the suggestion, once she realise who his cousin is. The call should be interesting enough as Jimin has stepped way over the line by spreading lies, and if she don’t spill the beans she will have to resort to old fashioned threats. Jimin may be older than her but in the end, she could have faced serious punishment for what she did and was honestly let go easier than everyone else. Heck, the other members of Amarante did nothing wrong. She luckily didn’t have to threaten with their old CEO as the other tells the truth. Ryujin couldn’t care less whether SUWOONG apologised after that, she was just glad it’s over. 

“It’s okay,” is her way of forgiving the elder. “I’m just glad that we got this out of the way.”

-.✦･｡ﾟrkopenevent: rkcharity
           raising money for the hospital clowns
           performing selena gomez - me & my girls  -.✦｡ﾟ

When Ryujin stepped out of her apartment today she made sure to look her very best, having planned for a special kind of performance with her dance group. Wearing comfortable clothesthat is fit both for the weather and her personality she can’t wait for her turn, hair loose just as always because she can’t be bothered to do something about it. It is not uncommon for her to make the pavement her very own stage but what is different today however, is that they aren’t performing just for the heck of it. They have a purpose and have made a decently big sign that explain just what that purpise is. Ryujin is proud to be part of something like this.

ANY DONATIONS WILL BE
♥ GIVEN TO THE HOPSITAL
CLOWNS. THANK YOU FOR
★ YOUR SUPPORT.   -.✦｡ﾟ♥

The performance transition into the next phase which is Ryujin’s and the boys that she’s been paired with for the day. There is more than enough time for them to set themselves up and get into their zones, she couldn’t be bothered when one of them pretend to sniff her neck because that’s part of the act. Moves are light as she pretend to escape their gestures, slowly she bend down in a crooked position as though a possessed and broken doll. They part eventually when the song transition into the bridge, choreography starting off mild and the moves become even bigger and bigger the closer they come to the refrain. Ryujin is in front, boys in the back.

While the guys dance synchronically she seemingly does her own thing, having her very own little choreography before all three drop down on all four to headband. Ryujin’s loose hair flies perfectly, and next they shift side with the one foot bent. She’s glad that the sweatpants are so big that she can fit knee pads under them or else her knees would be in so much pain right the moment dropped to the pavement. Flipping over to the back they wiggle their feet a few times, then spread them out in a quick split before rolling over to the stomach to hump the ground.

Dirty, perhaps, but Ryujin couldn’t care less. The better the performance the more money they might be able to raise for the hospital clowns, and she isn’t one to be oversensitive. Moving as planned they eventually shift from lying on the ground to standing upright again, there isn’t too much left of their performance now and they all do their own thing now. Ryujin’s dance shows as though she feels strangeled by their presence while the boys come off as though they are chasing her in the club, in an attempt to get away she end up trapped on the ground.

-.✦･｡ﾟthrowback to december 2nd 2018
           urgent group meeting between amarante and the ceo.✦｡ﾟ

           trigger warnings: mentions of sexual encounter, blackmail, humiliation

Considering the busy times Ryujin doesn’t quite understand why Amarante is called in for the supposedly urgent group meeting and with the very CEO of Starship Entertainment, out of all people. Information usually is given to them through instructors, or through their manager, not the high and mighty himself. The five of them sit in each their own chair in front of the man the girls can agree to be the scariest person that they know, none of them speaking so much as a single word. The girls are waiting, yet he is stalling for whatever reason.

Ryujin is nervous without knowing why, eyes shift between the CEO and the other girls. If she dared to speak up she would ask what is going on, and why they are all just sitting there in an incredibly suffocating silence. As the youngest person in the room she feel insignificant, if they were to speak then surely it would be a conversation that Jihyun hold as the eldest and as the leader of Amarante. There is no way that Ryujin will be speaking, her gut is telling her that this meeting will not end well and she question herself what they have done wrong.

   Is he joking with them? Will he break into laughter? 

All of them are confused about what is happening, clueless. The CEO sigh eventually, which honestly is the only thing that can be heard in the office. “I am very disappointed,” is what he express after what feels like an eternity. Her heart beats so loud that she can almost not hear what he is saying properly, and so fast that she wonder if it’s going to pop out of her chest. “I wonder, does any of you know why you are here? I know that one of you does,” the question appears rhetorical as he likely know the answer to it already. What is going on?

His tone is difficult to decipher, there is something leery about it. Ryujin look over to the other girls, all of them looking exactly as big of a questionmark as she does herself. Well–, there is one exception. Holding onto the hand of Soeun she squeeze it in anticipation, and in fear. It’s scary in the presence of the CEO, and his mood is not helping the atmosphere. Although he’s calm Ryujin know that he is angry about something that someone in their group has done, the five of them would not be there if not. She has understood so much by now.

   “Lee Jimin, why are you all here today, instead of practicing?
    Your debut is only ten days away, isn’t it? Are you not wasting time here?”

Eyes of them all land on the second youngest member of Amarante, who has been given the role of a sub-vocalist and visual of the group. Jimin meets none of their seeking glares, barely looking up from the ground with great shame printed on her very being. He sigh once more, a laptop is brought to the table and he turn the screen towards the other four girls who are dying already to know the truth about what is going on. When he press space a video play and they all know immediately what is going on, gasps are filling the room in choir with moans.

Ryujin has her eyes covered by Soeun’s hand, such a video is not for innocent eyes like hers. The sound of it reveal exactly what it is though, the dancer begin to feel sick because she has some idea what is going to happen. Their debut is in jeopardy. “Please, sajangmin– Turn it off already,” Jihyun ask with tears in her eyes with her fellow members in mind. Ryujin as a minor, in particular. She doesn’t know what to expect now, Soeun’s hands are relieved of duty when he close the laptop but the dancer’s eyes remain closed for another moment nonetheless.

“Our Jimin here thought that she deserved a better role in the group, didn’t you? Yet instead of showing her talents she make use of other skills, in attempt to blackmail me. I will have you all know that your vocal instructor, Kim Youngbin, has been eliminated from our company.” Is that everything…? Ryujin question it in her mind only, she’s so anxious to know the outcome that it appears that she forgot to breathe. Heaving a deep breath she prepare herself for what will be said next. “In the lights of this event,” there is more… “Amarante will also suffer greatly.”

“In fact, as of today there is no more Amarante. Thank you, Jimin, for opening our eyes about your true colours. We no longer wish to have your presence in our company. As for you other girls - Jihyun, Hyemi, Soeun and Ryujin, I am sorry but you will also no longer stay with us.” It can’t be, none of them did anything wrong so why are they also punished for someone elses’ crimes? “I have a contract for each and one of you that you will sign, that explain that you all understand what circumstances that we are parting under.” It really can’t be, can it?

   “We are terminating your contracts affective immediately. You may leave.” 

One by one do they sign the new paper that conclude their journey with Starship. One by one do they sob, and wipe tears off of their beautiful faces. As now the former group Amarante do they walk out of the office, with the exception of Jimin who is rushing past them. It’s only when they arrive to the practice room where they rehearsed only half an hour earlier that they break down together, weeping and bawling their eyes out in a final group hug. The culprit is nowhere to be seen, and that probably for the best. Ryujin would probably strangle the bitch.