#internalized aphobia

The following is an imaginary conversation.

“So, I’m grey-aromantic and demisexual. That means that I only rarely feel romantic attraction to people, and I only feel sexual attraction to someone after I form an emotional connection with them, and even then, it’s pretty rare.”

“But that’s just how everyone is. It’s totally normal to not get crushes on people that often, and I like to get to know people before I want to have sex with them, too.”

“Okay, you’ve brought up a couple different things here. First, there’s a difference between feeling sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone. You can feel attraction to a person and decide not to have sex with them until you get to know them. But I don’t feel that sexual attraction at all when I meet someone. Second, sure, it’s normal for me to not get crushes on people that often, and maybe it’s normal for you, too, but it’s not normal for everyone. Just look at all the movies that are about love at first sight.”

“That’s just fiction. That doesn’t really happen to real people.”

“Fiction can be sensational, but it’s inspired by reality. If it had nothing to do with reality, then people wouldn’t be interested, and it wouldn’t sell, and they’d stop making it. But, okay, let’s focus on reality. Real people talk about their crushes all the time. It’s basically all anyone wanted to talk about at my high school – who liked who, who was dating who, how much they loved this celebrity or that celebrity. Was it like that with the people you went to school with, too?”

“Yeah! It could get really annoying. But they were just exaggerating. Teenagers make such a big deal out of everything.”

“Ha! They do. I know I did. So maybe they were exaggerating about how strong their crushes were. But when someone tells me what they’re experiencing, I think it’s important to believe them. And if they’re describing something that doesn’t line up with my own experience, then it’s even more important to believe them.”

“What do you mean?”

“Okay, so, did you know that I don’t have a sense of smell?”

“Really?”

“Really. Born without. Never had it. You could fart right now, and if I didn’t hear it, then I wouldn’t know.”

“That sounds super convenient, actually.”

“It can be. The thing is, I have no idea what it’s like to smell. That’s not a part of my experience at all. So, like, you’re telling me that it’s possible for you to just walk into a room and know what’s for dinner? Without seeing it? You just know? From the air? Like magic?”

“It does sound like magic, when you put it like that.”

“I know, right? Sounds pretty sus! But if I’d gone my whole life saying that smell wasn’t real, if I told everyone that they were lying or delusional because they said they could smell… what would that make me?”

“A jerk.”

“Exactly! I’d be a real jerk. Stuck in my own head, unable to imagine that other people might experience the world differently. So, instead, when someone tells me that they feel something that I don’t feel, or that they feel it more often than I feel it, or more strongly, I believe them. And I hope that they extend me the same courtesy – that they believe me, too, when I tell them that my experience is different from what they experience.”

“But what you described before, how you experience attraction, that didn’t sound different than what I experience.”

“Well, being able to talk about this stuff means that it’s possible to find people who experience the world the same way that you do, or at least in a similar way. That’s why I like these labels so much. They help me find other aro-ace people to talk to.”

“Are you saying I’m aro-ace?”

“I’m not going to try to say what you are. I’m not inside your head. You get to describe your experience the way you want to. But if you find that these labels are useful to you like they’re useful to me, I’d be happy to talk with you about it, as much or as little as you want.”

god seeing people afraid to id as ace/aro because “what if it is just a phase? what if it is just hormones? what if it is just mental illness? what if I do find "the right person?”“ makes me so righteously angry because I promise you, I promiseno one in the community is going to revoke your aspec card on account of hypotheticals. if someone told you that then the stupid motherfucker lied to you. you do not look at water and go "well I’m not sure if I should drink this, because if the temperature drops below zero, it’ll turn to ice.” relax. let yourself just be. drink the water if you’re thirsty. because it’s water right now. doesn’t matter if it’ll be ice by tomorrow, or mist by next tuesday. it’s water and you can drink it if you want to.