this pride, I’d like to remind everyone how thoroughly the aspec community was obliterated on here. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the whiplash of going from literally creating a tumblr to learn more about aspec identities and being so excited to finally have a place where I wasn’t broken—to watching the lgbt community and surrounding ‘allies’ utterly destroy what we had, watching blogs delete or quietly re-closet themselves, and being afraid to put anything regarding asexuality or aromanticism in my bio. I started blocking people once I started having nightmares
it’s still so hard to get people to take aphobia seriously, and ‘aphobe’ is constantly treated like a joke. I get anxious about mentioning my qpp in anything, I’ve seen how far people will go to tell someone their relationship is fake or ‘cringe’. sometimes it seems like noone remembers what it was like before, when we weren’t afraid. that we came looking for acceptance, and were thrown out on our asses for being largely neurodivergent.
I’m so glad we’re rebuilding, but I’ll never forget what that felt like. what it feels like
People who didn’t see the worst of it or haven’t had their orienation targeted similarly look at posts like this and me saying that the discourse pushed me into an extremely severe depressive episode and think we’re being dramatic.
Imagine coming online everyday, and not being able to talk about your orientation… putting periods or abbreviations or slashes or whatever if you talk about it in an effort to keep it out of any and all tags because if it reaches a tag associated with your orientation there WILL be someone commenting on it (or in your ask box) harassing you and telling you you don’t belong.
Imagine coming online everyday and seeing posts about how shitty and cringe your orientation is with thirty thousand plus notes and very few disagreements among them.
Imagine coming on every day and reading about how people of your orientation (anything from as extreme as ‘should be shot/thrown in concentration camps to as 'mild’ as are just mentally ill and cringy not LGBT+)
Imagine watching as mutuals you had for years start one by one talking about how obnoxious your orientation is and how you don’t belong in the same community as them.
And it’s become so pervasive, you cannot escape it so long as you are online on social media. And online is where you go to socialize.
It’s very hard, after all of that, not to start thinking, “So many people hate people like me. God there’s so many of them… Maybe they’re all right. Maybe I really am trash.”
This addition
I had people I considered friends turn on me. Someone I messaged nearly every day suddenly came out puplicly with a stance on “the d*scourse” and it was against me and people like me. I messaged them saying how betrayed I felt, and they said it was just their opinion. Just their opinion that I don’t belong in their spaces. Just their opinion that my identity probably doesn’t even exist.
Correct me if I’m wrong but this seems like an all too common aspec experience from the peak d*scourse era (2015-17)
yes. it is. here’s some examples even you are familiar with.
when your parents or other older relatives ask you why you don’t have a significant other or are married yet.
when you’re holding hands with another person and everyone suddenly assumes that you are a couple.
when people don’t respect your decision to stay single because “everyone needs a romantic partner or they’ll die alone.”
when people assume you’re flirting when you’re just being kind.
when your friends greatly reduce their time spent with you just because they have a partner now.
when people tell you they doubt you’re “just friends” with another person just because you display what they think are signs of romance (that may be more of an aro experience but i’m sure it can happen with anyone).
i know these scenarios are more complex and nuanced than what this post is mentioning but that doesn’t mean amatonormativity doesn’t contribute to them.
i saw a post on here saying that a lot of ace posts are positivity and a lot of ace activism is telling people we exist because aces don’t face real issues so today i’m going to make a post about a real ace issue. in fact, i’d argue that this issue doesn’t just affect ace people but a lot of lgbt+ and queer folks, and, despite what some people may believe, is still an issue today.
I just went through the most exhausting debate online. It was my fault, I should’ve just blocked all of them from the beginning.
I swear if I get one more reply, I’m deleting that comment altogether.
Long story short, someone replied to a comment of mine with “maybe they have seggs every night”. (You don’t need the context, just that.)
To which I replied with, “every night? yikes”
Now a person replied to that with, “why yikes?”
And I said, “well that’s gotta hurt, right? give you rashes or smth?”
And they were like, “nope. what kind of seggs have you had that gave you a rash?”
Naturally, I responded with, “oh no, I’m asexual so no smex for me, I was just making an assumption that sounds logical to me”
And this as*hole of a person says, “plenty of asexuals have seggs, don’t use that excuse”
Which bewildered me to no bounds. I said, “huh? Yeah I already know that some asexuals have seggs? That’s not the point here”
After that, it was basically me and them going back and forth the same bullsh¡t, other people joining in.
That first person kept saying that I shouldn’t say “I’m sex-repulsed because I’m ace”, when I never said that. And even if I did, so what? I would’ve probably had seggs if I hadn’t found out I’m asexual so there’s definitely a correlation there.
Was I in the wrong? Is it illegal for me to say that seggs is overrated and gross to me? Should I just keep my mouth shut and only talk freely in our safe spaces instead?
Next time someone says that ‘aphobia’ isn’t a thing, show them this.
This is why it’s so important to educate people about asexuality. Through my work, I’ve encountered many people who aren’t just ignorant when it came to asexuality, they’re aggressively against it. There are asexual people who don’t want to come out just so that they don’t have to experience remarks like the ones I’m reading out there.
Activist and model Yasmin Benoit dispels the myths around asexuality, ‘the invisible orientation’.
The conversation around sexuality and the spectrum of gender identity has expanded greatly in recent years. We’re finally beginning to explore all of the details, nuances and diversity of the topic, and acknowledging communities that have too long been shunned by society. But there’s one community – my community – that has been left out of this step toward inclusivity.
I started to realise I was asexual around the time my peers around me realised they weren’t. Puberty kicked in, hormones went flying, kids stopped wanting to just play together and started fancying each other instead. They became a lot more curious about their sexuality and wanted to express it.
But I just wasn’t feeling it; I didn’t get all the drama. In fact, I even switched to an all-girls’ school because I thought, without boys, everyone would stop caring so much about sexandrelationships, and would just chill out. Yeah, I was very wrong.
In secondary school, it became even more obvious that I wasn’t feeling the same as the other teenagers – and they didn’t like it. They started quizzing me constantly about why I felt the way I did.
“Are you gay?”, “Is it a mental disorder?”, “Is there something wrong with your genitals?”, “Did you get molested as a child?”, “You’re probably just underdeveloped or a late bloomer?”, “Surely you’re just being too picky?”, “You must just be unlovable or unattractive to everyone?”
My physical and mental health was up for debate. But back then, at 15, I didn’t really have an answer. That’s when one of my classmates said, “Maybe you’re asexual or something.” I’d only really heard the word 'asexual’ used about organisms in biology class, not in the context of human sexuality.
So I Googled it and thought it sounded like me, but at the time, there was so much disinformation online that I wasn’t 100% sure. Besides, when everybody keeps telling you there must be something wrong with you, after a while, you start to wonder if they’re right. You begin to doubt yourself, to question your own life experiences, your own thoughts and identity.
It wasn’t until I started talking to other asexual people – strangers online whose experiences, finally, reflected my own – that I started to realise I wasn’t alone. This wasn’t some sort of grand turning point though. It would take a number of years to stop doubting myself and my identity; a natural consequence of being pathologised and gaslighted for so long. Through launching my activism career to raise awareness of asexuality and aromanticism on my platform, I met an entire population of people like me. I attended the UK Asexuality Conference in 2018 and was greeted by hundreds of people who showed me the true diversity of the ace community.
There are asexual people who, like me, experience little to no levels of sexual attraction, and have no sexual or romantic – that’s the 'aromantic’ part – desire towards other people. But I learnt that there are a lot of asexual people who still experience romantic attraction and vice versa. I know many married asexual people, and aromantic sexual people – I’m sure we all know someone who’s not really into dating or relationships, but still loves sex! I know people in our community who are parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, young, old, Black, white – and they are proud of who they are.
The problem is, those stereotypes and toxic misconceptions I heard as a 15-year-old from my classmates at school? I still hear them today. We live in a society obsessed with relationships; where to love and be loved by another person is not only the ultimate aspiration, but the expectation.
Until asexuality becomes part of public discourse and representation, we will continue to be misunderstood, told that there’s something wrong with us, overlooked in education and legislation, and medicalised (and medicated). Women like me will continue to be dismissed as unlovable, ugly, frigid and boring. This is especially true for Black women, who are so hypersexualised, that to be a Black asexual woman seems entirely contradictory to people.
But I live a perfectly happy and fulfilled life as a Black asexual, aromantic woman. I don’t need a partner to complete me – I’m complete just the way I am. That’s why I use my platform to fight against asexuality stigma, dispel myths and help empower the ace community.
For allies, as always, the first step to show your support is by educating yourself, and to start normalising asexuality by including it in your conversations. That way, conversations around sexuality will inevitably become more inclusive and comfortable for the ace community. Asexual people will – finally – begin to feel seen.
We deserve to be seen.
Yasmin is the co-founder of International Asexuality Day, taking place this year on 6th April. Found out more internationalasexualityday.org.
For Asexuality Awareness Week, model Yasmin Benoit answers the question ‘what is asexuality’, and busts some common myths about what it means to be asexual.
I realized I was asexual around the same time my peers seemed to realize that they were not. Once the hormones kicked in, so did a nearly universal interest in sex for those around me. I thought sex was intriguing, but never so much that I wanted to express my sexuality with someone else. I had no sexual desire towards other people, I did not experience sexual attraction, and that hasn’t changed.
I didn’t learn that there was a word for my sexuality until I was 15, after being interrogated for the millionth time at school about my orientation, or lack of it. After doing some Googling as soon as I got home, I realized for the first time in my life that I might not be broken, that I wasn’t alone in my experience, and that it wasn’t a defect I had somehow brought on myself. I had spent the entirety of my adolescent life trying to answer people’s invasive questions without having the language to explain that I was just an asexual girl.
But even after I found the language, I had only solved half of the problem. We are taught in grade school that we’ll become sexually interested in others, but never that not being sexually attracted to anyone is an option. Because we’re not taught about it, no one else knew what I was talking about when I tried to come out to them as asexual.
Many don’t believe asexuality is real, and that makes the experience of navigating our heteronormative, hyper-sexualized society as an asexual person even harder. I’ve spent my life battling misconceptions about it and so have many other asexual people. Now, I try to use my work as a model and activist to raise awareness and change the way our society perceives asexuality and asexual people. This Asexual Awareness Week, I’m busting some of those myths about my orientation.
Now, let’s separate fact from fiction:
Myth: Asexual people have no sexuality ✘
Truth: Asexuality is considered a sexuality, just like bisexuality, heterosexuality, and homosexuality. I often phrase it as being a sexual orientation where your sexuality isn’t oriented anywhere—because it isn’t actually the same as having no sexuality or sexual feelings. Asexual people have hormones like everyone else. It isn’t uncommon for asexual people to masturbate and there are asexual people who still have sex for various reasons and gain enjoyment from it. Some asexual people are romantically attracted to others, but not sexually attracted. Since asexuality is a spectrum, the ways in which asexuality is experienced can vary in different ways.
Myth: Asexuality is a lifestyle choice ✘
Truth: This misconception stems from the idea that asexuality is a choice and not a legitimate sexual orientation. Asexuality is often confused with celibacy or abstinence, probably because they can manifest in similar ways. In contemporary society, celibacy is often defined as being sexually abstinent, often for religious reasons. Sure, for many asexual people, their asexuality means that they aren’t interested in having sex with other people, but that’s a result of their orientation—not their beliefs about sexual behavior. Celibacy is a lifestyle choice, asexuality is not. Asexuality also shouldn’t be confused with being an incel. People don’t decide to become asexual because they can’t find sexual partners or because of any other circumstances. It isn’t a state of being when you’re going through a “dry spell,” nor is it a choice any more than being gay or straight is a choice. It’s just the way we are.\
Myth: Asexuality is an illness ✘
Truth: The assertion that asexuality is a mental or physical disorder is incredibly harmful to asexual people and has led to false diagnoses, unnecessary medication, and attempts at converting asexual people. For example, Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder — which are characterized by low or absent sex drive — are in the DSM-5 and have been thought of as a medical diagnosis for asexuality. But the difference is that people who have HSDD are bothered by their lack of sexual drive, while asexual people are not. But even the inclusion of HSDD as a diagnosis is controversial — some argue that people who are asexual might feel distress at their lack of sexual desire because of lack of acceptance in society. Asexuality is not the result of a hormone deficiency, or a syndrome, or a physical or psychological ailment. Research has said as much. We don’t need to be treated or fixed.
Myth: Asexual people have anti-sex attitudes ✘
Truth: There are asexual people who are repulsed by the thought of sex, or by the thought of having sex themselves. I fall into the latter category. However, that feeling does not necessarily extend to what other people are doing. The misconception that asexual people are against other people expressing their sexuality, and that all asexual people can’t stomach conversations about sex, is quite an alienating one. It leads to asexual people being left out of important discussions about sexuality. It is entirely possible and incredibly common to have sex-positive attitudes and be asexual.
Myth: There are barely any asexual people ✘
Truth: Don’t let our lack of visibility and representation fool you. There are a lot of asexual people out there, but many of us aren’t entirely out, and some haven’t realized that there’s a word for what they’re experiencing due to that lack of visibility. While research into the asexual population is lacking, its estimated that around 1% of the population is asexual—but that’s based on a studies where the participants have likely known what asexuality was and been out enough to identify that way. It’s likely there are more asexual people than we know of, but even if we did only comprise 1% of the population, that’s still tens of millions of asexual people.
Myth: Asexual people just haven’t found the right person yet ✘
Truth: The idea that asexual people just need to meet the ‘right person’ who will unlock their sexual desire and ‘fix’ their asexuality is one I’ve always found quite perplexing. It’s an argument that seems to be applied to asexuality more than other orientations. You wouldn’t tell a straight guy that they just “hadn’t met the right man yet" as an explanation of why he’s attracted to women. I’d like to think that most wouldn’t tell a gay man that they “hadn’t met the right woman yet” either. It suggests that our sexuality is reflective of our company, that no one we have ever seen or encountered has met our standards, and thus we haven’t experienced sexual attraction to the extent that the term ‘asexual’ could be applied.
This assumption ignores and invalidates all of the asexual people who have found the ‘right’ person—the asexual people in happy, fulfilling, loving relationships or who have had them in the past. Because, yes, asexual people can still have romantic relationships, or any other kind of relationship. The validity of a relationship is not and should not be based on how sexually attracted you are to that person. This statement also plays into the notion that asexual people are “missing out” on something and haven’t truly discovered our entire selves, that we are incomplete because of our innate characteristics or our life experiences. This isn’t true either.\
Myth: There’s an asexual demographic ✘
Truth: Even though most people don’t know much about asexuality, they still have quite a specific idea about what asexual people are like. I’ve often heard that, as a black woman and a model, I don’t look or seem asexual. We’re stereotyped as being awkward white kids who spend too much time on social media and probably aren’t attractive enough to find a sexual partner if we wanted to. And if we are attractive enough, then we should tone that down as not to ‘give mixed signals.’ But there is no asexual way to look or dress. Asexual people have varying ages, backgrounds, interests, appearances, and experiences, just like those belonging to any other sexual orientation. So please don’t use the term “asexual” as an adjective to describe someone you think is sexually unappealing or as an insult, because that’s only perpetuating this harmful stereotype.
Meet Yasmin Benoit, the activist vocal on the visibility of asexuality, aromanticism, and of LGBTQ+ people of colour.Can you tell us about who you are and what you do?
I’m a model and aromantic-asexuality activist from Reading, England. I entered the fashion industry with the goal of providing more diversity, then I decided to use the platform I had gained from modelling to raise awareness for asexuality and aromanticism. Since finishing my Master’s degree, that’s been my main focus.
You started the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike which has broadened people’s understanding of asexuality, why was this something you felt inspired to do and how have things changed since you started the campaign?
I was inspired to do it because I felt like more people needed to be doing it. The outcome of the asexual community’s invisibility was staring me in the face my entire life. I was often told that I don’t “look asexual,” because I’m not what people picture when their understanding of asexual people comes from stereotypes. #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLikecame as a direct response to that unfortunately common idea.
I wanted to dispel the misconception that there’s an asexual way to look or dress, that there’s an asexual type or demographic. “Asexual” looks like me, or anyone else in our diverse community. I think the campaign introduced quite a lot of people to my work and played a part in people seeing me as an asexual representative of sorts. Every time I see asexual people using the hashtag and feeling empowered by it, it warms my heart.
A lot of the discussions about sexuality often leave out asexual identities, why do you think this is?
I’ve been trying to work that out for a while. There’s no clear, good or justifiable reason for it at this point in time. It seems like such an obvious thing to include. I’d say that it’s because it isn’t included in mainstream culture in general, but that’s a ‘chicken or the egg’ situation. At present, I think some people don’t want to go there just yet. They think that if they’re talking about anything that involves the L, the G, the B, or the T then they’ve done their part and don’t need to go further than that. They don’t think we need visibility because they haven’t heard about asexual people being discriminated against. That doesn’t mean it isn’t happening, though.
What do you think some of the misconceptions about asexuality are and why do they exist?
I’ve heard a ridiculous amount of misconceptions about asexuality. There’s the belief that we’re just incels, that we’re asexual because no one would want us anyway, that is a mental disorder, a physical disorder, a side-effect of trauma, a cover for another sexuality, or a cover for some kind of hidden perversion. People get it confused with celibacy, not wanting to have sex or not being able to have sex. There’s the misconception that it’s an attitude, like being anti-sex and thinking other people shouldn’t be having sex, or that we just haven’t found the “right person” yet.
I’ve had multiple people tell me that it’s the side effect of veganism, which is particularly bizarre. They come from a lack of education and miseducation. People aren’t taught about asexuality. It isn’t part of mainstream consciousness. Our society places so much emphasis on the importance of sexual attraction and romantic relationships that it breeds the belief that asexual people and aromantic people just need to develop past their “issue.” People need to realise that it isn’t an issue and what we’re taught about sexuality is just a small part of the picture.
How can we foster a sense of community while in isolation?
Keep creating, keep sharing, keep talking, keep reading, keep watching, keep filming. I know it feels like the world is at a standstill, but we need to keep going. I just encourage everyone to keep expressing themselves and supporting each other.
The fact that people still think that the A stands for Allies, and they’re more accepting of that than aspec people (people on the asexual/aromantic spectrum) is frustrating. Almost everyone who falls under the + needs more representation, especially intersex people.
If there is one thing you could say to oppressors of queer people, what would you say?
Oppression isn’t just a hot topic for morning breakfast shows, or isn’t just something to comment on under a Facebook post. It really impacts people’s lives. It affects their sense of self, their relationships, their future prospects, their safety. That isn’t a reflection of who they are, but of the world around them. If you want to leave something positive behind, make the world a better place for everyone.
Who inspires you?
My first choice is my mum, of course, for being a hard worker, a leader, and an amazing parent and friend who raised me single-handedly while having a successful career. I’m inspired by people who take risks and sacrifice something to help others. I’ve always cited Munroe Bergdorf as being my activist inspiration, especially as we work in similar industries. She got an unnecessary amount of slack for drawing attention to racism and transphobia, but it didn’t stop her.
What parts of the queer community do you feel needs more representation?
The asexual and aromantic community for sure. The fact that people still think that the A stands for Allies, and they’re more accepting of that than aspec people (people on the asexual/aromantic spectrum) is frustrating. Almost everyone who falls under the + needs more representation, especially intersex people.
Do you feel it is crucial as visible queer people to set boundaries so you don’t give too much of yourself?
I do, but I’d be lying if I said I’d worked out exactly how to do that. As an introvert in an ironically visible position, I’m still getting the hang of this whole thing. It’s hard to know when you’re off-duty, if you’re ever off duty. Or what to keep private and what to make public when who you are is being used as an example, and your story is being used to help others. It can also be draining having to explain everything to everyone all the time, or people feeling entitled to your life story at every opportunity. Sometimes, I just want to be like, “Google it. I’ve written articles, done interviews, there are whole web pages about it.”
Are you optimistic about the future for queer people?
It’s a hard question because I feel like we’re all on different trajectories at the moment. Trans rights are going backwards in some places, gay rights are going forwards, biphobia is evident even inside the LGBTQIA+ community, asexual and aromantic people have been gaining more visibility and representation, but we’re decades behind everyone else. Intersex issues are only just being bought into the conversation. I’d like to think that things will get better for everyone, though.
not gonna lie, seeing exclusionists throwing a pity party because they have to be reminded that people outside of their approved 3-4 letters exist will never not be funny to me
You are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. That’s it. Aces aren’t LGBT.
I mean for one your forgetting a bit of that. Like the Q+.
Mod Bethany
The full acronym is LGBT.
I love me some ahistorical bullshit
The “full” acronym at one point was “GL”, after lesbians fought against male homosexuality being the “face” of the movement (i.e., the Alliance for Gay Artists (AGA), founded in 1982, was renamed the Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Artists shortly thereafter; and the Gay Activists Alliance never included “Lesbian” in their title).
The “full” acronym at another point was “LGB”, only after bisexual activists campaigned fiercely to be included, and is often still not even included in acronyms
The “full” acronym at yet another point was “LGBT”, only after trans activists campaigned fiercely to be included
Queer was added to the acronym after it was reclaimed and re-politicized by ACT UP off-shoot Queer Nation in the early 1990s. LGBTQ has been a thing since the 90s.
ONE Archives, which is the largest repository of LGBTQIA+ materials in the world and was founded by some of the principle members of the early (1950s-60s) homophile movement, which led to the gay rights movement post-Stonewall, uses the full acronym LGBTQ on their website and also freely uses the word “Queer” interchangeably.
As of 2014, NOW (National Organization for Women) agreed to switch to use of the full LGBTQIA acronym, and it likely isn’t the only large social rights organization to have done so
Many LGBTQ+ magazines use LGBTQ, including One(which has existed in some form since the 1950s) and The Advocate, use LGBTQ or LGBTQIA as the full acronym and regularly use “queer” as a phrase (and, in fact, some articles have welcomed asexual people and their narratives as part of the queer experience).
The acronym is constantly evolving. It’s not static. To claim otherwise is blatant ignorance. The modern-day LGBTQ+ community is a result of decades of political activism, social inclusion, and community outreach. It’s nota rigid structure that operates by a strict set of rules about who can and cannot join.
The full acronym is LGBT. Cishets don’t belong in the community. Aces aren’t inherently lgbt. We don’t want our oppressors in our community.
“we don’t want our oppressors in our community”
as if trans people don’t already have to deal with their oppressors (cis people) being in their community
as if LGBTQIA+ people of color don’t have to deal with LGBTQIA+ white people in the community
as if LBTQIA+ women don’t have to deal with GBTQIA+ men in the community
as if disabled LGBTQIA+ people don’t have to deal with able-bodied LGBTQIA+ people in the community
the LGBTQIA+ community is huge and consists of people with multiply-overlapping identities and privileges. we all (unless you’re a cis, able-bodied, wealthy, white gay man) have to deal with a member of our oppressing class in the LGBTQIA+ community
Even cis, able bodied, wealthy, white gay men occasionally have oppressors in the restricted lgbt community if straight trans people are included (although this is more rare; the only example of a homophobic trans person I can pull up is Caitlyn Jenner, my point is just that intersectionality means this is possible all along in a number of ways and accepting another dimension of intersectionality to the acronym isn’t anything new)
Reblogging for the historical smackdown.
and this fool is STILL going off in the notes about how “aces aren’t inherently lgbtpn no matter what you type on the internet lmao”
well by that logic, aces ARE inherently LGBTQIA+/MOGAI no matter what you type on the internet lmao :) and there’s really nothing you can do about it except cry about the cishets on your tumblr. like please
still no research or facts, just plugging one’s ears and repeating the same old, tired, INCORRECT notion that aces don’t belong in the community despite tons of evidence and research being presented. i think OP intended to go back and forth forever on this, but it’s pretty clear they’re not shit if all they can say is “well they’re not cuz I say so, SO THERE lalalala” in the face of well thought-out responses.
edit: my comments may be “bullshit” but at least i’m not a bigoted aphobe LOL. this may come as a huge surprise for some of you, but criteria for belonging in the LGBTQIA+/MOGAI community isn’t limited to “opposite” gender identity and sexual orientation??? gasp!! “opposite gender” LMAO okay you just keep on with your bad binary self and we’ll be over here supporting actual inclusion and intersectionality and not being terrific assholes about it.
Excluding people for “straight passing” is inherently aphobic/biphobic/etc here’s why
So you lot love to tell me that you’re not doing anything wrong because all you’re doing is pointing out the fact that technicallywe don’t need to be supported by the community because we have the option of being safe and “accepted” (but not really) if we just stay in the closet and pretend to be straight.
But when you say we shouldn’t have the option of being out but still accepted and supported by the LGBT+ community then you’re saying you think we all should have to stay in the closet or else live with the biphobia/aphobia/etc
Now,call me crazy but when someone says to me “I think everybody under this identity should never use it again and I don’t care if the ones who get outed have to suffer for it” I might just think that that someone just hates the identity and supports its erasure and the acts committed against the people who use it.
The split attraction model is not harmful. It is helpful.
The “harm” the above is referring to is not the result of the SAM but actually a result of allos who do not understand the SAM using it entirely incorrectly. This surge of hate for the SAM is a bit like saying disinfectant is harmful because kids have swallowed it; it would have some merit, if disinfectant was for drinking. But it’s not, it’s for disinfecting, and it being used wrong doesn’t change that, and doesn’t make it any less important and helpful. The SAM is not for allos to split two allo labels, its for aros/aces to accurately label themselves, and it being used wrong does not make it any less important or helpful.
People’s failure to acknowledge this and their decision to demonise the SAM – even correct uses of it – actually harms the aro/ace community by stigmatising their ability to accurately label themselves and their insistence that the SAM is nothing more than a social construct that we can just forget about is invalidating to aros and aces. And if they got their way and the SAM was done for, some day young aros and aces could just grow up wondering what was wrong with them, thinking they were broken, not understanding why they can only feel one kind of attraction.
But I’m pretty sure most of the folks tweeting this knew all of that already. Because to me it’s fairly obvious that the SAM isn’t a harm to the community and it’s extremely obvious that aros and aces need it. I’m pretty sure that this is another round of aphobia, because if we think about it, what would happen if we all decided that the SAM was evil? Aspecs would suffer for it, as I’ve already said but also they wouldn’t be able to be aro/ace and L, G or B anymore and to an aphobe who wants to exclude aspecs from the LGBT+ community, that probably sounds like a pretty sweet deal, being able to exclude aros/aces regardless of whether they’re gay or not.
But the really suspicious part is THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY’VE TRIED THIS, aphobes have tried every way they can think of to make the aspec community out to be problematic, they said we stole “aspec” from autistics when we didn’t, they said we hated lesbians when we didn’t, they said we thought gay sex was sinful when we didn’t, aphobes have always been in search of ways to demonise the aspec community, to nitpick any issue, or to even make up issues entirely, anything to make us look like a problem, they’ve always tried it, they’ll always keep on trying it but we – the entire LGBT+ community – are smarter than this, we’re not going to buy into this, this time we’re gonna show them that it doesn’t work anymore.
Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are both ridiculously hard to describe even if you do feel them and yet we’re supposed to do that so people know what they are
But I think one part of the definition that gets lost on literally everyone who tries to explain either is the word “feel” that I used right up there
You feel it
It is a feeling
The difficulties in describing it accurately can then be understood if you tried to explain other feelings to people without using synonyms in your definition. For instance, assume you’re speaking to someone who has never experienced anger. Now try to describe it without using words like “mad” or “irritated” or anything like that. What does it mean to be angry? Is it just when you wanna beat somebody up? Well, most people don’t do that so clearly anger is not a common experience. Wait, it’s not that? So what is it? You feel physically warmer and your muscles tense up when you’re angry? So if I went out to the desert and started exercising, i would feel angry? No? Then what is it?
Not so easy, right?
And yeah sure, these feelings don’t start at the same time as when you start feeling anger every now and then, but they’re still feelings. Once your definition of romantic or sexual attraction is no longer describing a feeling, it’s no longer a definition of either. But it’s difficult because it’s so much easier to describe how the feeling may manifest rather than the feeling itself and your description of how it manifests for you may not perfectly match someone else’s lived experience. It’s also so much easier to compare it to other feelings the other person may have felt before. It’s so easy to do everything except describe the feeling itself.
Now you get a bunch of people who openly state “we don’t feel this common feeling ever”. Sure, if you’re unclear on how this person is using their terms, asking them is great. But you have to ask while being aware that they’re describing a feeling. And then you have to interpret their description as though it were an attempt to describe a feeling they literally just told you they have never felt in their lives because that’s literally what you’re gonna get.
So many false definitions of asexuality and aromanticism are based on describing them as wants and actions. Imagine describing anger like that. Imagine feeling anger but trying to explain that to somebody who thinks anger is when you wanna beat the shit out of someone or when you do just that. Except you don’t want to hurt anyone, you just want to get away from whatever is making you angry and idk draw some vent art. Imagine that person then telling you you must not actually be angry based on that. Then you explain it to them and they claim the word anger must not mean anything cause they don’t understand your definition. And now you’re even more angry cause you really didn’t need to be dealing with this person’s bullshit today. You see why we’re tired? Why aces and aros are sick of having to explain over and over what asexuality and aromanticism are because nobody wants to think of sexual and romantic attractions as feelings and not things that you do or think about doing? I, in particular, am sick of seeing aphobes mention asexuality, aromanticism, and attraction just in general because I can’t even be certain they’re using any of those terms right even though we have explained over and over again what they mean.
Please stop claiming asexuality is when you don’t have sex or that aromanticism is when you have sex and then don’t call the next day. Asexuality and aromanticism both describe the absence of certain feelings. The fact that you never felt the need to use more specific words to describe your feelings of attraction to others does not change that.
Making it increasingly hard for trans and “non-straight” aspec people to get access to resources and aid for their aspec-specific issues in safe spaces does nothelp them.
By fighting to exclude ace/aro people y’all have only made it more difficult for us “lgbt aces/aros” to actually have easy access to aspec resources in LGBTQ+ safe spaces. Most safe spaces would only provide aspec resources if aspec people were included, and the only safe spaces I’ve gone to that actually have aspec information or resources have been inclusionist spaces. No exclusionist spaces I’ve seen have actually provided any, and “why don’t you make them outside of lgbtq+ spaces” doesn’t work because I need my aspec safe spaces to be lgbtq+ safe, because I’m not straight or cis and my bi-ness and transness is incredibly intertwined with my aspec identity.
If y’all will neither: 1, believe “lgbt aces/aros” when we say some of us might actually, desperately need aspec-specific resources and aid, and 2, help us receive that aid and fight for its inclusion in LGBTQ+ spaces, then you’re not an ally to “lgbt aces/aros” and you never have been.
People who aren’t ace don’t get to decide what ace issues are, or which ones are most important.
And don’t y’all comment with any “but the cishet aces!” crap because ace issues affect more than just cis straight aces, and if you can’t see past your exclusionary rhetoric to know that, then leave.
not that this is a new thing but i geniunely hate that inclusionists argument for ace people being lgbt almost always includes words like “weird” or “abnormal” like. the point of tbe lgbt community is N O T that we’re weird or abnormal, its so we can do something against oppression and even if it wasnt and it was only for people who have something in common (being lgbt) cis het/aro aces dont have that in common with us !! the community was never about us being “weird” “abnormal” and stuff, saying that (especially when the aces that ARENT lgb or t say it) jus sounds homo/transphobic. cishet people calling us weird and abnormal isnt new.
ive seen people be like “but aces arent cishet and thats what being lgbt is about!” and forget to note that SOME are, and some are gay and bi. aro aces arent the only aces. even if you dont want it, the statement “aces are lgbt” lets cishet people into the community. if aces cant be cishet they also cant be gay or bi.
What are you talking about? I’m an inclusionist and I haven’t seen this. Are you talking about how people say that aces and aros are affected by heteronormativity? Us saying that aces and aros aren’t straight isn’t saying that non-straight people are weird or abnormal.
I think aces and aros can be cis and het, but they’re not the same as fully cis straight people. Cis straight people do not have a marginalized orientation, whereas aces and aros do. That’s how we have something in common with other lgbtq+ groups.
ive seen so many people say “lgbt is about being weird and aces arent cishet so we are included ” maybe you havent personally done it but ive seen it a lot. cishet aces are ,, still cishet in basically the same way that non ace cishets are cishet. theyre never gonna like the same gender, theyre not gonna be trans ever. theyre gonna live the normal cishet life, jus without sex.
Alright, can you give me examples? While I haven’t said this myself, I also haven’t seen this in the inclusionist community that I interact with.
If you would listen to cis het aces and aros, you would hear how their experiences differ from cis straight people. Cis straight people treat anyone who doesn’t solely identify as like them as different. Saying you’re ace or aro, despite any other factors, changes the way they perceive and treat us.
Also, asexuality doesn’t mean celibate or sex-repulsed. The definition is about experiencing no attraction.
i assumed you meant the ones that dont have sex, considering the ones that do have absolutely no fucking difference from cishets outside of their personal enjoyment.
i’ll look for the examples, they kinda got drowned on my feed thingy so its hard 2 find sbsbs. also? you dont need to? tell cishet people youre a cishet ace like ur sex life is personal theyre not gonna perceive you differently ESPECIALLY if youre one of the aces that do participate in sexual stuff.
Not having sex isn’t the only thing that differs asexual cis straight people from allo cis straight people. Being asexual or aromantic in itself differs them from allo cis straight people. Through asexuality and aromanticism, you’re still impacted by ace and aro issues, including patholization, corrective therapy, sexual assault & harassment, etc. as well as dealing with the stereotypes and prejudice people have of ace & aro people, all of which increase once you include another intersectional identity (aces/aros of color are impacted by aphobia differently than white aspecs, disabled aces/aros are impacted differently than abled aspecs, etc).
These things don’t just go away if you’re cis and straight. People aren’t suddenly okay with the idea that not experiencing a common type of attraction is normal and real. People don’t suddenly stop referring ace people to therapists or doctors when they come out, or comparing us to inanimate objects and dehumanizing us. The bigotry and prejudice doesn’t go away. And neither does the erasure or the experience of having your orientation differ from the majority of society.
My ace identity affects me in some of the same/similar ways my bi and trans identities affect me, and that wouldn’t just go away if I were cis and straight.
ace exclusionists — don’t say it’s “only about the cishets” when i, an aro lesbian, have been called cishet + cishet invader, + have been accused of hurting lgbt people for being aro…despite the fact that im also a lesbian. the blanket targeting of all aros + aces, regardless of other parts of their identites, shows its not really targeting “just the cishets”, you’re targeting all of us.
Casual reminder that lack of sexual desire/lack of desire to have sex, is still considered a sign of mental illness by a lot of reputable medical organizations. Just in case you forgot aphobia is a thing.
