I had a literal emotional breakdown when I got my diagnosis. It was quite literally life changing for me.
Before diagnosis?
I was plagued with a feeling of brokenness — why does it take me 10x longer to learn concepts than it takes my peers, even when I’m attempting to apply all the same strategies? Why is it so dang hard for me to commit to a single project, and why do I spend weeks obsessing over a project only to suddenly lose interest and never touch it again? Why do I have such a visceral reaction to the smallest, friendliest amount of criticism? Why does that person keep making that tiny paper noise while I’m trying to complete my exam — wait, what was the question asking? Let me re-read itAGAIN.
After diagnosis?
Validation! Holy cow is the validation game changing. I no longer had to blame myself for just not trying hard enough. I was trying plenty hard; however, the tools and strategies that work for neurotypical brains don’t necessarily work for my brain! And that’s perfectly okay. As well, I discovered that my anxiety and depression were symptoms, and as I treated my ADHD and developed coping mechanisms around it, I no longer wanted to die.
Of course, the armchair psychiatrists among my friends and family do sometimes try and chime in to tell me that Adderall is bad(derall), and that’s certainly infuriating; however, f*ck em. I don’t care what they think – they’re clearly not thinking rationally if they see me taking Adderall carefully as prescribed (which they see as me ”basically doing meth” – a deeply misguided and inaccurate view) as worse than quite literally trying to kill myself, and they don’t deserve to have a say – it’s my body and my mind, so I can do what I want.
So… yeah. I’m a big advocate for getting assessed for ADHD if you think you may have it. Does a diagnosis mean you have to medicate? Absolutely not. I prefer not to medicate unless it’s absolutely necessary – my Adderall crash is always draining, so I am nevermotivated to abuse the medication. But when I do take it? All of the internal thought-clutter calms to a hush, the world comes to me more clearly, I am able to find a calm within myself that I never before knew existed, and I can just be. Like, I can just think without interruption. Wow! Clarity of mind is the most incredible feeling. It’s not even a high. It’s just… absence of chaos.
It’s only Tuesday and I’m alreadyburnt out! My boss has really been micromanaging theheckout of me lately and it’s draining every ounce of joy out of what I do.
Currently, I’m spearheading 3 massiveprojects at work and am not permitted the autonomy to directly contact the faculty members intrinsic to each project. Instead, I have to send my boss a “May I please…”, wait for her response, then send out the desired communications. So many layers of red tape just to schedule an initial zoom discussion. Meanwhile, I’m being assessed on what I do or do not accomplish in terms of tangible results. Like, sorry bruh, it’s hard to put forth anything tangible when 99% of my job has devolved into just emailing people. I’m hoping things will improve now that I’m (obligatorily) back on campus.
In today’s episode of “Nobody asked you to be my armchair psychiatrist…”
(Yet again) receiving unsolicited “advice” from a recreational cocaine userwithoutanymedical professional qualifications comparing getting assessed for ADHD to recklessly doping one’s self to the point of total cognitive dysfunction just for funsies.
Did I askfor your medical input? No? Then don’t offer it.
Ya know, in this day and age I’m extraglad to be going into a field that’s all about evidence-based decision making. Until now, I never really thought about my grad focus (business analytics / data science) in the context of current events, but now that I am, it seems fitting.
My first assignment in one of my classes is all about evaluating the quality/reliability of research — a skill I began to develop in high school but lost strength in over time. I’ve almost certainly been guilty of accidentally sharing misinformation via unfounded claims and weak research studies because social media makes it too darn easy to pass info along without a second thought. All this to say that I’m glad I’ll be more equipped to hold myself accountable for thinking critically about information before passing it along to others.
Ahh I’m getting new followers, because of the animation and I’m really happy, but it just so happens I won’t have my drawing tablet with me for a bit. Sad.
