#lex luthor
Clark: So, it looks like we all have multiversal counterparts
Lex: Really? Who’s yours?
Clark: Steve Rogers. Kon’s is Spiderman, Batman’s is Wolverine, Diana has Storm, and- oh. Oh
Lex: What?
Clark, unconvincingly: It’s nothing, Lex. Nothing that you have to worry about
Lex: … Kal-El, who the hell is my counterpart?
Clark: Come on, Lex, it doesn’t matt-
Lex: Clark Jerome Kent-
Clark: Fine! Red Skull. You’re counterpart is Red Skull
Lex: …
Clark: …
Lex: … WHY IS MY COUNTERPART A FUCKING NAZI!!!
Clark: I don’t know!
Lex: That’s it. I need to kill Red Skull on principle alone
Clark: Lex, NO
Lex: Lex, YES
Clark: Lex no
Lex: LEX YES!
Kon: Wow, I can jump into a volcano in this new costume.
Lex, dad mode on: That’s fine, just bring a jacket with you.
Kon:
Kon: Hey, that’s not a half bad idea.
Green Lantern: So how’s being divorced?
Superman:
Superman: I’m not divorced?
Green Lantern: My man, your former bestie took the kid, your spaceship, half the Fortress, and your holographic parent is sulky he’s not around more often.
Superman:
Green Lantern: See, where I come from, we call that a divorce.
Superman:
Superman:I-
Superman:Batman-
Batman: Don’t drag me into that.
(Dad!Lex Au: Lex Luthor knows where babies come from. Until he doesn’t.)
——
The stork opened their beak, light shining out of their mouth. “I AM HERE TO DELIVER YOUR BABY.”
“What,” said Lex.
“I AM HERE TO DELIVER YOUR BABY. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BABY?”
“What the fu—“
“CONNOR! AN EXCELLENT CHOICE.”
“Stop right there,” Lex finally cut in. “I’m not having a baby,” he argued.
“YOU MADE A WISH AND IT WAS GRANTED.”
Lex scoffed. “This is ridiculous. I know I’m dreaming.” And clearly projecting his subconscious insecurities, but he was not going to dignify that by saying it out loud.
“YOU ARE.” the stork agreed. “YOUR HOME IS ALSO DIFFICULT TO BREAK INTO WHEN AWAKE.”
“Fine, let’s push this charade along,” Lex said, as he made a mental note to look into dream defenses later. “So, what, I wished for a dream baby by magic?” he accused.
“NO. BY YOU AND YOUR PARTNER’S DNA.”
The stork then thrusted a pamphlet into Lex’s hands. The front read: Your Non-Magic Baby and You.
“READ FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION. I DELIVER BABIES, NOT BIOLOGY LESSONS.”
Lex’s jaw twitched. “The flaw with your gambit is that I don’t have a partner,” he corrected, ignoring the slight for now.
The stork squinted their flaming eyes at Lex, like he was a particularly dim bulb. They declared, “IN THE EVENT OF DENIAL, THE DONOR IS TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.”
“Anony—? That’s unacceptable. Who is the other parent?” Lex demanded, crushing the pamphlet in his hand.
“THE DONOR IS TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS,” the stork repeated.
“Then I refuse,” Lex said, despite the weird twinge in chest. He ignored it.
“YOU ACCEPTED THE BABY WHEN NAMING IT.”
“Oh fuck you—“
“NO RETURNS OR REFUNDS.”
The stork had Lex backed into a corner on this, but only for now. Fucking dream logic. “Fine. I suppose I have no choice but agree to the conditions,” he ground out.
“YOU ALREADY DID.”
“I’m waking up now,” said Lex.
Ask the author. Ask me questions if they’re inappropriate I will tell you I won’t answer them but shoot your shot.
Sorry I died y'all I’m back and better than ever!
Give me some lengthy stuff to write a about with characters. I need to post to Ao3 account. That’s where I write full length stuff.
Has everyone forgot my inbox is open to request???
I’ve been cackling about this for like five minutes now
So like any good Gothamite, I like the Gotham Knights. It’s a sin in this city to interrupt a game; not even Joker would interrupt a game.
I was at the game last night when Lex Luthor interrupted. We were in the seventh inning, Gotham Vs St Louis Cardinals. He was monologging about how Gotham needs to be purged of our filth.
Well Gotham Knights Designated hitter, James Bader, took a bat and you know the rest, GCPD dragged Luthor off and Bader got a standing ovation.
We won by the way, Go Knights!
Well I guess I have to move to Metropolis now. I was just carried to safety, bridal style, by Superman. God I’m not much for the Boy Scout thing, but god bless him he’s good to look at.
I was stuck waiting for a ride home with the birdies.
Redhood: are you okay?
Me: yeah. Might have to move to Metropolis, they know how to treat lady.
Red Robin: Betrayal!
Me: I don’t see any of y’all carrying me. I bet Superman would remember my birthday
Night wing got this shit eating grin on his shit eating face. Before I knew it Hood was picking me up bridal style. I’m by no means light, so I was a bit shocked.
Red Robin: Oh my god she’s speechless. She’s speechless! Pass her
Hood: nope. I’m the only one strong enough to keep her in Gotham. (He looks down at me) Your feet will not touch the ground till you take it back.
Well Batman snuck up on him, so I was thrown. Luckily Superman was on his shit.
Update:
Not moving to metropolis. Nope, never, not in a million years. I forgot Lex Luthor lived there and I don’t need to go to jail.
On a side note I heard Dick whisper “traitor” it took me a second to realize he reads these. Fuck
