#live happy

Things I don’t tell a lot of people.

1. I really struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I know when the week or weeks are coming where it gets worse, and right now, that’s where I am. I don’t tell people because I don’t want them to worry or think I’m unfit to be a parent to my son. It’s sometimes so bad, I don’t want to get out of bed and miss work due to how little I feel like I can breathe. I lie awake at night, crying and wishing that someone could take this away from me because I don’t want to feel like this.
2. I feel like a terrible parent. I have a two-year-old who deserves so much better than he is getting from me. I can’t help that he warms my heart and makes me smile from the inside out. He’s my joy, my heart, my love, my being all wrapped into this tiny person and I can’t help but feel shame in myself for knowing and realizing I’m doing wrong by him. I love him, more than words could begin to express and feel so grateful to have a beautiful boy like him in my life, but I wish I didn’t mess up so much. 
3. Not a lot of people know my gender issues. There will be some I will never be able to tell and others I want to share but am too scared as to how they will react. I play the stereotpye of female for those that don’t know because I get scared that they will see right through me and realize something else is hiding under the surface.
4. I don’t let people in. People only know so much about me and as far as I will let them through. I don’t trust anyone. Ever. Not even the person I date. I need to learn how, but I’m too scared to let someone in only for them to crush me again.
5. I write a blog. A lot of people in my personal life don’t know this blog even exists. I need it. I need to let things out. I need to type it up and get it out of my head and heart somehow. I don’t know any other means to and if that makes me an awful person or someone who’s just looking to complain, then so be it. I need it. I need to update more often and make this more a part of my daily life.

I want whoever is reading this to know that yes, I struggle a lot. I’ve had to push myself, like everyone else has, to get somewhere and I don’t always feel like it’s enough but I will damn well try to make something happen. I’m terrified to die because it means the end of trying and pushing and working hard to make my dreams and goals a possibility rather than a vision. I’m scared to die because it means I leave this life behind and can’t go back and try again. I’m scared that my fears are overtaking me and slowly killing me. I’m scared that my gender will hurt my son and he will ashamed to call me his parent. I’m scared that my mom won’t want me anymore or my dad, and I’m really close to my dad. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be intimate with my girlfriend anymore because I don’t know how to be. I’m scared! I’m fucking scared! I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m scared and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake the fear, the self-doubt, the worry, the depression. I want to. I want to enjoy my time and enjoy the world I see and enjoy my son and my family I’m creating!

So maybe this is a negative post! So what! This is my reality, and I’m fucking crashing on my own free will because I’m not stepping up and making my life better. I can’t pretend this doesn’t make me wish I could just lay down in bed and forget the world is moving around me. I can’t pretend this doesn’t cripple me. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt me. I won’t, but I need to stop making that my vicious cycle everyday and live already. I need to start, despite my fears, and fucking try already.