I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Soooo I know it’s Father’s Day today - happy father’s day! I’ve celebrated with my family and told my dad.

But this made me kinda think about the holidays my family celebrates and honestly… how awkward they are.

My parents were immigrants who came from Asia to the United States (they are full US citizens now BTW). They have lived a hardened, tough life - even when they were already in the United States. They worked very hard to get to where they are now, and I don’t want to dismiss that at all.

Growing up, my parents were very strict and we had limited financial means. It’s weird to talk about it now because over the years, they have certainly lessened their tiger grip on parenting but growing up, it was very, very tight. I couldn’t go hang out with my friends unless it was related to some extracurricular club activity (Red Cross club, volunteering, etc) and for a purely social hangout, I really had to beg and plead my parents. Even if something didn’t require any money, I’d have to really beg for permission. Looking back on it now, I feel like my parents felt like by controlling us, it showed they cared (something they still do to this day). 

Academics were pushed on us heavily. Sports, relationships, free-time activities weren’t. Every second of my life before college was very geared towards academics and succeeding. I established a great work ethic and study schedule, so that was nice. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for working hard, that I always had a solid roof over my head, and that I always had food in my tummy.

You might be able to sense that I have some animosity with my mom through some of my previous posts. It’s true. Even though my parents had limited means and had a strict parenting style when I was growing up, my dad had a very kind and caring personality for the most part. He felt more human. My mom, on the other hand, has a different personality: never satisfied, always complaining, always comparing, easily upset, very temperamental. (As I’m typing this post, she’s screaming right now.) It is something I still can’t justify as being ok and it’s truly toxic behavior. Her personality has been constant from a young age to present times. Maybe she was stressed at how much she was working and so her temperamental behavior was a result of that; but I still don’t believe you should project this onto a small child. Maybe she has some underlying medical condition or personality changes she needs to enforce; but she should be responsible for her health - how can a small child do this?

I have anxiety and it’s managed well now (after some trials & errors with myself, admittedly) and if I try to pinpoint the root of my anxiety, I have to say it was my upbringing. If my mom came home from work in a bad mood, she would make it so EVERYONE would be in a bad mood. She would have yelling matches because our bathroom was not “clean enough” or be upset if I didn’t score high enough on an exam. She is never one to apologize, and always one to complain. She is manipulative and abusive. She is demeaning. She calls me fat, ugly, and stupid constantly. Her personality and my personality are just NOT compatible.

Hopefully that gives some background of my mom and how she raised us (and what she’s like today). Our family is very emotionally stoic (as most asian american immigrant families can be), particularly my parents. When it comes to holidays like Mother’s Days, it can be a little awkward. Yes, American culture dictates we have to celebrate this but internally, I feel awkward and forced: my mom was not a great mom. I understand she was raised in a different culture and had a tough upbringing but that surely can’t be an excuse to her toxic 20+ years of behavior, right? 

My dad, on the other hand, has some similarities with my mom (I mean, they both could improve tbh) but on the whole, is much more understanding and at least he doesn’t have mood swings like my mom. He is much more stable and compassionate. (Truly, their marriage isn’t all happy sunshine and smiles; it is more of a roommate situation almost. They don’t celebrate anniversaries or anything, and they’ve talked about divorce seriously a handful of times, including this year – buuuuuuuut that’s an entirely different post.)

With today being Father’s Day, I feel much more inclined to celebrate Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day (which of course my mom will not like). I think it’s this truly endless cycle: I respect people who respect me. My mom has not done that great of a job raising us and does not respect us so my behavior to her is similar; then she gets upset at this behavior and throws a mood swing. 

I think one of us has to be the bigger person somehow and let the whole 20+ years behind us. But I think to me, that is hard to swallow. I’m more inclined to be at tolerable terms with my mom. I don’t know if I can truly let go of 20+ years and pretend it doesn’t exist and move on and be chummy buds with my mom. Being in this mother-daughter relationship is honestly EXHAUSTING and TAXING on me - even at this level where I just try to live on tolerable terms with her. I know my older sister has somewhat let go of the past (largely influenced by her recent marriage & expecting a child early next year) and has a much warmer relationship with my mom, but admits that even then, my mom is a difficult person. 

To truly have a better relationship with my mom, I think I either have to let go of 20 years of history and/or live a much more distanced life from my mom, and not let her in too much. I currently do the latter, and since I have, my anxiety is much better.

Anyway, this is just a long rant that I had to get off my chest. These holidays celebrating parents (particularly mothers) are difficult for me and just weird, sometimes.