I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Raise your hand if so. ‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️

My mom’s voice is this uncomfortable, shrill voice. 

I can go deeper into this, like how her voice is triggering because it often results in:

• a heated argument
• a demand for me to do something for her 
• an insensitive comment about how I am stupid/fat/ugly/worthless
• an unsolicited probe into my personal life (when she found out I was on birth control pills, she THREW OUT MY MEDICATION) 

Whenever she screams my name (she’s always LOUD), I can feel my blood pressure rise. Clearly, my mom and I don’t have the best relationship lol. 

So I’ve finally come to terms (well, sorta) that my mom is narcissistic and acts very entitled. I also recognize that there’s a culture clash between her strict Asian culture & the American culture. Being first-generation American is a weird tug of war between the parents’ cultures & the American culture. 

The reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists definitely helped me realize that my mom is a narcissist & I could relate to a LOT of posts there. But I also close out of that page after around 10 minutes because surrounding myself in negativity like that can get exhausting. 

I am very grateful and appreciative for all the things my mom has done that have shaped me into where I am today in life, but with that being said, I can’t ignore the bad parts either.

• She is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off. And you best believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, the WHOLE HOUSE is affected.
• She acts very fake & is very image-oriented. Seeing my mom switch from yelling at us to sweetly chatting her friend on the phone the next minute is… scary.
  
• She acts entitled. Chalk this up to culture clash maybe, but I absolutely despise how she sees her children as her “retirement plan”
• She is never satisfied. It’s just exhausting to be around someone who is never satisfied. Some recognition of all the work I put in would be nice; don’t act like it’s so easy.
• She is incredibly money-oriented. I have to hide receipts and take-out boxes the rare times I do spend money or she will throw a *temper tantrum*. And not to toot my horn, but I’m good with money (debt-free, read handful of financial books, got a 401K & IRA, minimal expenses, etc)
• She is very childish and lacks maturity. Something about her is just off. She often uses my little sister as the scapegoat, and it’s like “um, mom - you have problems with me, my little sis, my older sis, and my dad. what’s the common denominator here? it’s you”
• She constantly insults and puts me down. She constantly says I’m fat, stupid, and ugly. None of which are true - I’m closer to underweight than overweight; I graduated from UC Berkeley & attending UCLA; and honestly, this is a bit full of myself, but I find that I’m good-looking. I have no issues getting attention from guys (though it’s usually my anxiety that stops me). Her constant belittling actually ruined my self-esteemed growing up.
• She is too proud to ever apologize. Good luck trying to hear the words “I’m sorry” from her because she will never say them. If she’s wrong, she expects you to move on. If YOU’RE wrong, she’ll constantly remind you of it and belittle you.

I hope this post doesn’t come off as petty. But fuck, does it feel good to write it all down in one list.

Anyone else have a parent that ticks off these too?

Woke up, and my mom is already in a bad mood. The thing is, she doesn’t internalize her emotions or try to work through them herself. If she’s in a bad mood, the ENTIRE house will 1) know it and 2) be affected by it.

My mom likes to start arguments for the STUPIDEST reasons. I genuinely think that she gets joy from starting drama, and that she acts out because she wants attention. My mom is an interesting person to study, to say the least.

Latest argument she initiated? Screaming at my dad for sleeping on the couch and drooling. She says it’s disgusting that saliva’s on the couch, that there’s a bed for a reason, that he’s lazy for falling asleep watching TV on the couch, etc. And to be fair, I get it - but at the same time, she is being WAY. TOO. DAMN. DRAMATIC. about this whole thing. 

So what if he drooled on the couch a bit? Make a note, have a calm discussion, move on. There is NO need to start an entire fight from this, wake up the entire house, and cause everyone to be in a bad mood and walk on eggshells. 

I had been really looking forward to moving out for grad school but then COVID-19 hit and everything is shut down. Grad school is online now and there is literally no reason for me to move out of my parents’ home (besides the toxic home environment which I can bear if I save $ and can graduate without debt lol). It makes ZERO sense for me to move out to my own apartment in LA, spend $1,200+ A MONTH on rent, when school is 100% online. So sigh, I’mma just vent about the situation instead.

I also am really, really, really(!!!) cognizant of my own behavior and making sure it doesn’t mimic or is similar to my mom’s. I absolutely HATE being compared to my mom or even used in the same sentence as her. I think by studying my mom and seeing what ticks her off, I learn what NOT to do as a person. How sad is that.