Five Things I Learned from Therapy

I recently started therapy and although I’ve only had a few sessions so far, I wanted to recap some lessons I’ve learned.

1. Your feelings are always valid. Sometimes in my therapy sessions, I preface by saying “I don’t know if I should feel this way, but …” and my therapist will always reply that my feelings are my feelings, and that my feelings are always valid. She recommended I take a brief moment to try to understand why I’m feeling this way, but not to linger too much on negative thoughts and feelings.
2. Thoughts aren’t facts. This is connected to the first point. Just because I feel a certain way about something, or I’m thinking about something through a certain perspective, it doesn’t mean that it’s a fact.
3. Things are not always connected, nor are they always about you. For example, my roommate has been closing her doors (even bathroom) all the way when she leaves the house. It might sound weird, but it wasn’t something she used to do. So I thought maybe she was being passive-aggressive towards me. Then I realized that it’s to literally hide her room because inside was a complete mess: trash everywhere, clothes on the floor, etc. It’s very easy to attempt a logical rational behind why people behave certain ways or why something has happened to you, but sometimes it’s literally not about you.
4. Learn to let the little things go. Be chill. This is something I’ve realized internally before, but I can have a tendency to overthink things or to be fixated on certain things. But it honestly does no good to be like this. I’m better about this now but need to still work on learning to let the little things go. Like my therapist said, I need to pick my battles and if I’m fixating on every little single thing that’s bothering me, I’m not using my resources wisely.
5. You don’t need a reason to go to therapy. I know many people go because they’re experiencing a lot of stress or anxiety. Or after a major event. But for me personally, I find it soothing to talk to a non-biased source about what’s been going on during my week. It’s nice to see her perspective but also to feel like I’m prioritizing my mental health. I know people may have friends and family members to talk about issues but there’s something about talking to a third-party who truly doesn’t judge and who won’t gossip that I really enjoy!

Life Advice: Trying to Live One Day at a Time

Something I’ve realized is that I tend to get really worried about the future. It isn’t good for my mental health and it’s not so good to be focused on something you can’t change as much as you can the present.

I’ve been working on just focusing on one day at a time and not worrying incessantly about the future. This includes things like:

• My boyfriend and I will be long distance after graduation. What’s going to happen to our relationship? I’m still trying to decide for myself but I’m not putting pressure on it. The way I see it: even if we break up due to the distance, I would rather be with him until we aren’t together, instead of trying to find another relationship or be single. And I think our relationship will solidify in the next few months as well. But I know we also have to have the discussion.
• My roommate has anxiety and isn’t the best roommate. But because I know she has bigger things she’s worrying about (her mental health), I try to let some of her behavior slide. That’s not to say I’m not annoyed by it still, though– I definitely am.
• Life after graduation: I’ve been browsing apartments and I do have a little bit of anxiety trying to find a cheap enough apartment so that I have more spending money.

But for now, instead of thinking about the future and worrying myself too much, I will just enjoy the present!

2022: Speaking Up & No More People Pleasing | Apartment Living Rant

One of the things I’ve come to learn is that I can be quite non-communicative when living with housemates. There will be an issue and instead of me communicating with the person, I’ll kinda stew on it and rant to my friends because I don’t want to be dramatic and make a big deal out of nothing. After all, it can be awkward living with someone who you’re at odds with and you’re locked in a lease for a year! But I’m learning that my feelings are valid and as long as I have good intentions and appropriately air out my grievances, it should be ok.

With 2022 starting, I especially didn’t want to continue living with my roommate in this non-communicative, stewing-silently mode. Shortly after I came back from winter break, I asked for two things:

1. Food in the fridge/freezer is no longer communal. My roommate ate my tofu and used up all of my wine, and I was just fed up. I felt disrespected: I didn’t even have any of the wine! And this is the second time she’s used all of my tofu! Obviously, she agreed to the rule because it’s not like she can’t. She did use my ketchup without asking but I’m okay with spices, sauces, and condiments being communal. Anything more, I will speak up against.
2. We take turns taking out the trash now. Previously, I felt like I was always the one taking out the trash. Even if she made a meal and the trash was 80% hers and was overflowing, she wouldn’t automatically take out the trash. I HATED looking at an overflowing trash can and having flies swarm around it, so I would take it out myself. I think I enabled her. Now at least things are more balanced. I printed out a trash schedule calendar so it’s totally clear who has what week.

These rules were enacted recently so I hope they stick. Remember when I told her my meat, eggs, and produce weren’t communal and she still ate my tofu and broccoli? Remember when we agreed that no dirty dishes to be laying around and to wash dishes the same day you use them? Sigh.

I really think living with housemates/roommates can be such a toss-up.

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note so I’ll try to say something positive. My roommate recently got a new boyfriend and so far (fingers crossed), he has not slept over at the apartment or overstayed his visit. He comes for dinner about once a week or other small stays. This is something I really appreciate because I absolutely despise it when boyfriends become an informal “third roommate”. I feel uncomfortable going outside my room when there are guests in the house.

Can’t wait to live on my own after graduation!

Rant: Roommate

I’ve been trying very hard not to write down a list of things I dislike about my roommate because then it will make it seem very… concrete and final. But I have to let it out.

1. She often has her meetings and phone calls on speakerphone. When this is in the common spaces of the apartment, I find it to be quite rude. I generally don’t mind when she has her calls on speakerphone/loud music in her room because that’s her personal space. Even when she has her music at maximum volume in her room, I try not to say anything. Instead, I just close my door all the way and use my noise-cancelling headphones and I think she gets the message.
2. She’s not good about washing her dishes and cleaning up after herself. Early on, we established two rules: wash dishes the same day you use them & do not have dirty dishes laying around the house. She followed this rule initially but started breaking it a few weeks ago.
3. She eats my food, even when I told her not to. When we first moved into the apartment, we said food was communal. After a while of her eating my food and me not eating hers (I don’t like her food and I buy what I like to personally eat), I told her I didn’t want my meat, produce, and eggs to be communal anymore (I was too scared to give a blanket statement but I should have) and if she needed to use something, please ask. She agreed. But lo and behold, she continued to use my food. Now, when I grocery shop, I meal prep the same day. I guess it’s been helpful in making me be intentional about my meals.
4. She’s ditzy and disorganized. I typically wouldn’t care if someone’s personality was ditzy… until it starts affecting me. She’s locked herself out on the balcony, forgotten her apartment keys, came late to our dinners and/or cancelled last minute, forgotten about the no-communal-food policy, etc.

The thing is, it’s difficult to “hate” her because I know she has good intentions and I genuinely do think she is just very … ditzy. However, ditzy or not, the result is the same: I don’t feel respected or comfortable in my living space. I try not to let her occupy too much of my mental energy though so hopefully this is the last post I have about her on my blog.

What I’ve learned during this process is that:

• Communication is important. This should be the first step in trying to resolve things.
• … However, when you communicate to your housemate your requests, and she ignores it/is too ditzy to remember…. the only thing you can do now is to change your own behavior. I now use noise-cancelling headphones to reduce the noise I hear from her, encourage the use of dishwasher so that we don’t have dirty dishes for days, meal prep the same day I buy groceries so she can’t use up my groceries, and generally try to let things go and not hold a grudge…

Sigh.

Moving out of my parents’ home in a few days | My Thoughts

In just a few days, I’ll be moving out of my parents’ home and into my own apartment! While I’m very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I’ve been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief.I look back at the years I spent at my parents’ home and become even more grateful of the fact that I’m moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, “You think you’re going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!” I know he’s trying to show he’ll still have ‘control’ of me when I move out, but let’s be real… If I’m not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master’s degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I’ve also experienced “sadness”. I say “sad” in quotes because I know deep down, I’m not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it’s the start of a new chapter. While I’m sad to leave behind familiarityandcomfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn’t familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I’m older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I’ll definitely be ok for this chapter!

Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I’m fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.

I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Mom: Highly narcissistic, classic asian tiger mom, never satisfied with anything. Always pushes siblings and myself more and more. Has little empathy for others. Has a loud shrieking voice. Very temperamental. Extremely money-oriented to the point that she will throw a tantrum if she sees us buying take-out. Has allowed our dog to escape the backyard multiple times. Manipulative. Does not respect privacy or medicine. Thinks “drinking water” can clear up autoimmune disorders. Verbally and physically abusive.

Dad: Extremely passive and uncommunicative. Slightly sexist attitudes, expecting females to cook, clean, and take care of him, but has improved a lot. Is not handy with repairs or fixes and usually ends up doing a half-assed job of it and makes the home lose value (i.e. our bathroom cabinets have ugly nails seen from the exterior, our shower faucets have broken pressure after he tried to fix the leaky aspect, our sink always floods every week because he won’t admit we need a plumber, etc). Also can be verbally and physically abusive but not nearly to extent of mom. Insecure about money. Very simple-minded. 

Older sister: Successful but a mini version of “Mom”. Can be very temperamental, moody, and hot and cold. Currently married and expecting their firstborn this month. Was usually the main recipient of my parent’s abuse growing up and ironically (or for that reason?), tries to forget the harmful past of our parents and family dynamic and selectively remembers the “good” parts only. Trying too hard to “revitalize” our asian traditions without any reciprocity from the family, who is disinterested and tbh should not be kept together for long periods because we’re toxic to each other. Seemingly has little connections/friends and seems lonely, a bit co-dependent on other people’s interactions.

Younger sister: Lazy, unambitious, needs her hand held for everything. Extremely co-dependent. The more artistic, creative sibling of the three of us. Likely has mild depression. Needs to mature more, too sheltered. After my older sister left, my younger sister became the main recipient of my parents’ abuse. Both sisters are fiery and hot-tempered, and clash with parents.

Me: Suffers from anxiety, and as a result often detaches myself from most situations and most people. Commitment-phobic because of parents’ relationship, but once attached to someone, likes the safety and security. Would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship (EXHIBIT A: MY PARENTS’ RELATIONSHIP). Yet ironically would stupidly go back to my exes than starting fresh. Have become more private about my life, which has helped my anxiety a LOT (also see “detached”). Too prideful of accomplishments, like school names and internships, like a dumb work rat in this cog of a machine. Can be petty and hold grudges, which is not great.

First off: I am very appreciative and grateful for my parents and what they’ve done to shape my journey. We do not agree on most things, and much of this is due to the American/Asian culture clash, since I am first-generation American (and first-generation college student). I won’t get into the weeds about our differences, but just know that it is very, very strongly there.

With that acknowledgement there, I want to say… I’m sick of taking care of all of my parents’ responsibilities. I’m sick of having to call their insurance and see what their new quote on their policy would be. I’m sick of having to fill out their tax forms. I’m sick of having to deal with car insurance agents when they need to file a claim. I’m sick of having to serve as their personal “IT” person, when they SOMEHOW erased and reset their phone, losing all of their contacts and information (???). I’m sick of having to know all of their passwords for their accounts because they forget to write it down – which leads me to having to reset all of their accounts and create a new password. I’m sick of them demanding I “find the best deal” for a product. I’m sick of serving as the middle person for all of their god damn interactions, especially with EACH OTHER when they are having fights. I’m sick of serving as their “therapist” when they’re arguing about each other: it’s uncomfortable and toxic.

I’m sick of my parents being unnecessarily dependent on me.

I get that this may come off as entitled and whiny. After all, they did raise me the “best” they could (I guess?) and on the outside, I appear to be a successful person. 

However… I would feel differently if they were clueless on how to do this themselves but were willing to learn, but they’re not. They just demand I do these things for them, with very little appreciation.

They know how to do these things by themselves, they are just lazy. They don’t want to learn how to do this themselves, because they see me – their child – as their eternal servant, who serves them dutifully (fuck no). When I was away in college, they did these things themselves. My parents speak very competent English (near fluent). It’s not that they are pressed for time, either. They both work full-time jobs, yes, but arguably my schedule is much busier: I’m a full-time graduate student AND working part-time. My mom said, “This is why we have children so they can help us out” and yes, I get what she’s expressing - but you should not be increasingly dependent on your children when you are able to do these tasks on your own, and when putting these responsibilities on your children causes them more burden. It is more efficient overall for my parents to learn how to do these tasks themselves. I don’t mind helping here or there (or teaching them how to do these tasks themselves for the future), but I cannot (and will not) be their go-to person for all of their day-to-day responsibilities.

Given my parents’ situation, how can someone be expected to shoulder on TWO ADDITIONAL PEOPLE’S responsibilities AS WELL as my own? I think that’s ridiculous and I’m reaching my limits.

Maybe the worst part of this is that I have a sister at home, but they’ve deemed ME preferable to help with things over her. So ironically, because I’m so helpful, I’m punished and forced to help more. Like ?? This cycle never fucking ends. 

Sigh.

Hey parents,

It’s not healthy to fight so often. And it’s even worse to bring your children into the fight. 

K, thanks. Bye.

But in all seriousness, if two people are continually fighting about the SAME topic, something has got to change. Obviously something’s not working. 

I hate when my parents fight because: 

1. It’s not just a fight between them. Oh, no no. The entire house will feel the effects. My mom will act passive aggressive and slam doors. My dad will sulk and roll his eyes at my mom. They are both in bad moods that affect everyone. Everyone is walking on eggshells!
2. Even worse is when they TRY TO BRING US INTO THEIR FIGHT. Hey man, this is not my fight and I don’t have the energy to be involved in this. I hate when my dad goes, “Ugh do you see what your mom is doing? Why does she think all of this money is hers to spend?” I used to sit politely and squirm, but now that I’m older, I tell my dad, “Look. I’m not involved in this argument. Please do not involve me. I don’t know why she does what she does – ask her yourself –, and I don’t have time or energy or the mental bandwidth to be involved.”
   
   I sometimes feel bad for saying that – after all, I think my dad is just trying to vent (especially since it’s COVID right now so he can’t exactly go out with his friends). But um hello, I’m the CHILD. This is not healthy. Do not put me in between this.

I think I’ve gotten better with putting boundaries and prioritizing my mental health. I am not a listening ear to everyone. I am not responsible for taking care of everyone’s issues. Dealing with my OWN issues is already enough as it is.

Sigh. If anything, I guess my parents are perfect examples of what I should NOT do when I have my own kids. 

Raise your hand if so. ‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️

My mom’s voice is this uncomfortable, shrill voice. 

I can go deeper into this, like how her voice is triggering because it often results in:

• a heated argument
• a demand for me to do something for her 
• an insensitive comment about how I am stupid/fat/ugly/worthless
• an unsolicited probe into my personal life (when she found out I was on birth control pills, she THREW OUT MY MEDICATION) 

Whenever she screams my name (she’s always LOUD), I can feel my blood pressure rise. Clearly, my mom and I don’t have the best relationship lol. 

So I’ve finally come to terms (well, sorta) that my mom is narcissistic and acts very entitled. I also recognize that there’s a culture clash between her strict Asian culture & the American culture. Being first-generation American is a weird tug of war between the parents’ cultures & the American culture. 

The reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists definitely helped me realize that my mom is a narcissist & I could relate to a LOT of posts there. But I also close out of that page after around 10 minutes because surrounding myself in negativity like that can get exhausting. 

I am very grateful and appreciative for all the things my mom has done that have shaped me into where I am today in life, but with that being said, I can’t ignore the bad parts either.

• She is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off. And you best believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, the WHOLE HOUSE is affected.
• She acts very fake & is very image-oriented. Seeing my mom switch from yelling at us to sweetly chatting her friend on the phone the next minute is… scary.
  
• She acts entitled. Chalk this up to culture clash maybe, but I absolutely despise how she sees her children as her “retirement plan”
• She is never satisfied. It’s just exhausting to be around someone who is never satisfied. Some recognition of all the work I put in would be nice; don’t act like it’s so easy.
• She is incredibly money-oriented. I have to hide receipts and take-out boxes the rare times I do spend money or she will throw a *temper tantrum*. And not to toot my horn, but I’m good with money (debt-free, read handful of financial books, got a 401K & IRA, minimal expenses, etc)
• She is very childish and lacks maturity. Something about her is just off. She often uses my little sister as the scapegoat, and it’s like “um, mom - you have problems with me, my little sis, my older sis, and my dad. what’s the common denominator here? it’s you”
• She constantly insults and puts me down. She constantly says I’m fat, stupid, and ugly. None of which are true - I’m closer to underweight than overweight; I graduated from UC Berkeley & attending UCLA; and honestly, this is a bit full of myself, but I find that I’m good-looking. I have no issues getting attention from guys (though it’s usually my anxiety that stops me). Her constant belittling actually ruined my self-esteemed growing up.
• She is too proud to ever apologize. Good luck trying to hear the words “I’m sorry” from her because she will never say them. If she’s wrong, she expects you to move on. If YOU’RE wrong, she’ll constantly remind you of it and belittle you.

I hope this post doesn’t come off as petty. But fuck, does it feel good to write it all down in one list.

Anyone else have a parent that ticks off these too?

Woke up, and my mom is already in a bad mood. The thing is, she doesn’t internalize her emotions or try to work through them herself. If she’s in a bad mood, the ENTIRE house will 1) know it and 2) be affected by it.

My mom likes to start arguments for the STUPIDEST reasons. I genuinely think that she gets joy from starting drama, and that she acts out because she wants attention. My mom is an interesting person to study, to say the least.

Latest argument she initiated? Screaming at my dad for sleeping on the couch and drooling. She says it’s disgusting that saliva’s on the couch, that there’s a bed for a reason, that he’s lazy for falling asleep watching TV on the couch, etc. And to be fair, I get it - but at the same time, she is being WAY. TOO. DAMN. DRAMATIC. about this whole thing. 

So what if he drooled on the couch a bit? Make a note, have a calm discussion, move on. There is NO need to start an entire fight from this, wake up the entire house, and cause everyone to be in a bad mood and walk on eggshells. 

I had been really looking forward to moving out for grad school but then COVID-19 hit and everything is shut down. Grad school is online now and there is literally no reason for me to move out of my parents’ home (besides the toxic home environment which I can bear if I save $ and can graduate without debt lol). It makes ZERO sense for me to move out to my own apartment in LA, spend $1,200+ A MONTH on rent, when school is 100% online. So sigh, I’mma just vent about the situation instead.

I also am really, really, really(!!!) cognizant of my own behavior and making sure it doesn’t mimic or is similar to my mom’s. I absolutely HATE being compared to my mom or even used in the same sentence as her. I think by studying my mom and seeing what ticks her off, I learn what NOT to do as a person. How sad is that.

My parents were immigrants who fled their home countries to the USA. Living in a home that had constant clashes with their cultures & the American culture was definitely a struggle. 

I think from the outside, it may look like my family is picture-perfect: 3 daughters who all attended top-notch universities, 1 daughter married and expecting a child soon, the father enjoys working on cars in his free time, the mother appears to be a dutiful wife, etc. 

But like social media, everything is an illusion.

Growing up, my parents were very fierce and overprotective. Everything was a competition. My mom was a tiger mom, demanding all As and top grades. It was difficult to live in such a high pressure environment. Early on in our childhoods, my parents were abusive: both physically and verbally. This lessened as we were older (maybe around middle school) and their parenting grip lessened slightly, but the damage was already done. 

It’s funny reflecting back on my childhood because while I knew then that it was tough (and definitely different from many of my peers), it was all I knew and I somehow thought it was normal. Now I look back and realize, damn. (At the same time, I realize many others have had it worse.) I remember one instance where my mom was trying to teach us Mandarin and she would hit us with a chopstick for wrong responses. I remember my younger sister trying to hide a pillow under her shirt so the chopstick smacking her wouldn’t be as painful. I remember my mom cruelly laughing and saying, “Yeah? Call the police. They’ll take you away from here and you’ll be put in a worse home.” I think even then, my sisters and I knew the foster system wasn’t that great and at least my parents’ (mainly my mom’s) episodic rages were just that – episodic.

I used to genuinely think my mom was experiencing menopause symptoms: mood swings, irritability, etc and that things would get better once her hormones stabilized. But now I know better. It’s “lasted” for about 10 years at this point, and it’s pretty much her personality now. She was never experiencing menopause symptoms - it was a problem with her personality.

I remember getting into UC Berkeley and instead of congratulating me, my mom remarked, “Yeah but you didn’t get into UCLA” (the oneschool I hadn’t gotten accepted to). My mom was like that: constantly putting you down, reminding you of your failures. I think she gets some sort of satisfaction of bringing people down.

Dating was forbidden. Glancing at a boy too long on the car ride home or otherwise showing interest in the opposite gender would induce a long rant. “No, you are not allowed to date. Focus on school, academics, your life.” “No boyfriend.” “No.” This continued in college too. They dismissed the idea of romantic partners, urging to focus on school and academics only. Ironically, once I graduated college, my mom would then say “Where’s your boyfriend? Where are my grandkids?” It’s as if she thinks a boyfriend is something you easily find in a matter of days. I made a pact to myself that I will never tell my parents that I’m dating anyone for as long as I can - they simply don’t deserve to know.

I am grateful that I chose a college 400 miles away. I was able to escape their supervision and maintain a relationship through texts instead. I honestly would say this is the best time of our relationships: I was not feeling smothered or stuffed into a toxic environment. 

Now that I’ve graduated from UC Berkeley and am going to graduate school at UCLA this fall, I feel some sort of peace with myself. On one hand, I am proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished and surely everything in my past has somehow led me to my present point, but on the other hand, I still feel very dismissive towards my parents. While they did raise me and affect me growing up (for better or for worse), I still feel a lot of resentment towards them for their maltreatment. 

How much leeway do they get? They fled their home countries because of war and struggles but can that excuse be used for 20-25+ years of abusive behavior? How can someone be expected to forget everything that happened and pretend the present times are all good and cheerful? I think that’s what I struggle with. I don’t ever see my relationship with my parents improving to the point where we are some cheerful American TV sitcom show – and I’m ok with that. The less interactions we have with each other, the better.

An open letter to my mom.

Dear Mom,

You tell me I’m constantly fat. You say I’m ugly. You say I’m stupid. What kind of mother figure is that?

Guess what? 

I’m not fat. I’m the normal BMI and I exercise every day. Which is more than what you can say for yourself. And you’re shorter and you weigh way more than me. Maybe think about yourself before you criticize others.

I’m not ugly. You say I’m ugly but you’re uglier for spewing ugly words. You’re ugly for trying to take down women, females, YOUR OWN DAUGHTER. You think I’m “ugly” because I choose not to date right now and instead am focused on my career and professional growth. 

I’m not stupid. You say I’m stupid because your own small mind can’t comprehend big ideas or growth. You say I’m stupid because I won’t bend to your ways of thinking – your sexist and ancient ways of thinking. You say I’m stupid because you think that by attacking my intellect and intelligence, you become smarter. You say I’m stupid because you secretly feel inferior you barely have a high school education.

You belittle me because you’re projecting your own insecurities. What a fucking unhealthy, toxic person.

Soooo I know it’s Father’s Day today - happy father’s day! I’ve celebrated with my family and told my dad.

But this made me kinda think about the holidays my family celebrates and honestly… how awkward they are.

My parents were immigrants who came from Asia to the United States (they are full US citizens now BTW). They have lived a hardened, tough life - even when they were already in the United States. They worked very hard to get to where they are now, and I don’t want to dismiss that at all.

Growing up, my parents were very strict and we had limited financial means. It’s weird to talk about it now because over the years, they have certainly lessened their tiger grip on parenting but growing up, it was very, very tight. I couldn’t go hang out with my friends unless it was related to some extracurricular club activity (Red Cross club, volunteering, etc) and for a purely social hangout, I really had to beg and plead my parents. Even if something didn’t require any money, I’d have to really beg for permission. Looking back on it now, I feel like my parents felt like by controlling us, it showed they cared (something they still do to this day). 

Academics were pushed on us heavily. Sports, relationships, free-time activities weren’t. Every second of my life before college was very geared towards academics and succeeding. I established a great work ethic and study schedule, so that was nice. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for working hard, that I always had a solid roof over my head, and that I always had food in my tummy.

You might be able to sense that I have some animosity with my mom through some of my previous posts. It’s true. Even though my parents had limited means and had a strict parenting style when I was growing up, my dad had a very kind and caring personality for the most part. He felt more human. My mom, on the other hand, has a different personality: never satisfied, always complaining, always comparing, easily upset, very temperamental. (As I’m typing this post, she’s screaming right now.) It is something I still can’t justify as being ok and it’s truly toxic behavior. Her personality has been constant from a young age to present times. Maybe she was stressed at how much she was working and so her temperamental behavior was a result of that; but I still don’t believe you should project this onto a small child. Maybe she has some underlying medical condition or personality changes she needs to enforce; but she should be responsible for her health - how can a small child do this?

I have anxiety and it’s managed well now (after some trials & errors with myself, admittedly) and if I try to pinpoint the root of my anxiety, I have to say it was my upbringing. If my mom came home from work in a bad mood, she would make it so EVERYONE would be in a bad mood. She would have yelling matches because our bathroom was not “clean enough” or be upset if I didn’t score high enough on an exam. She is never one to apologize, and always one to complain. She is manipulative and abusive. She is demeaning. She calls me fat, ugly, and stupid constantly. Her personality and my personality are just NOT compatible.

Hopefully that gives some background of my mom and how she raised us (and what she’s like today). Our family is very emotionally stoic (as most asian american immigrant families can be), particularly my parents. When it comes to holidays like Mother’s Days, it can be a little awkward. Yes, American culture dictates we have to celebrate this but internally, I feel awkward and forced: my mom was not a great mom. I understand she was raised in a different culture and had a tough upbringing but that surely can’t be an excuse to her toxic 20+ years of behavior, right? 

My dad, on the other hand, has some similarities with my mom (I mean, they both could improve tbh) but on the whole, is much more understanding and at least he doesn’t have mood swings like my mom. He is much more stable and compassionate. (Truly, their marriage isn’t all happy sunshine and smiles; it is more of a roommate situation almost. They don’t celebrate anniversaries or anything, and they’ve talked about divorce seriously a handful of times, including this year – buuuuuuuut that’s an entirely different post.)

With today being Father’s Day, I feel much more inclined to celebrate Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day (which of course my mom will not like). I think it’s this truly endless cycle: I respect people who respect me. My mom has not done that great of a job raising us and does not respect us so my behavior to her is similar; then she gets upset at this behavior and throws a mood swing. 

I think one of us has to be the bigger person somehow and let the whole 20+ years behind us. But I think to me, that is hard to swallow. I’m more inclined to be at tolerable terms with my mom. I don’t know if I can truly let go of 20+ years and pretend it doesn’t exist and move on and be chummy buds with my mom. Being in this mother-daughter relationship is honestly EXHAUSTING and TAXING on me - even at this level where I just try to live on tolerable terms with her. I know my older sister has somewhat let go of the past (largely influenced by her recent marriage & expecting a child early next year) and has a much warmer relationship with my mom, but admits that even then, my mom is a difficult person. 

To truly have a better relationship with my mom, I think I either have to let go of 20 years of history and/or live a much more distanced life from my mom, and not let her in too much. I currently do the latter, and since I have, my anxiety is much better.

Anyway, this is just a long rant that I had to get off my chest. These holidays celebrating parents (particularly mothers) are difficult for me and just weird, sometimes.

Alright, I’ve been feeling pretty annoyed with everyone around me. 

• My sister, for always coming into my room and literally just SITTING ON MY BED OR CHAIR and not saying anything. I think it irks me because it’s like “This is my room and my private space. If you need to ask me something, ask me and leave and let me enjoy my private time.” Like, I can’t even have privacy in my own damn room? Then, she gets mad that I’m “hiding something” but nope, I work from home, I sleep at home, I eat at home. I DO EVERYTHING AT HOME AND EVERYONE’S HOME AND I’M GETTING SICK OF EVERYONE BEING UP IN MY BIZZ. 
  
• My friend, for always texting me now that he’s out of grad school for the academic year. Like dude, our dynamic has NEVER been to text every god damn day. Now that he’s out of school, he’s had a lot more free time. And texting me really unnecessary things/small talk. But hey, hello I still have work full-time, apply to scholarships, work on my website, try to get up to speed on grad school (registering for classes soon), etc. I have a lot of activities that keep me busy and I don’t need these daily text messages! Plus, he’s always asking when I can go out to hang out since he’s so bored & I’m like “dude, I’m literally quarantining and I don’t leave the house unless it’s essential” ???? which is what everyone should be doing ????
• My mom, for being extremely temperamental. Before, I didn’t really know how to describe my mom adequately. I seriously thought she was going through menopause. But it’s been YEARS. Like 10 years. I thought possibly maybe bipolar disorder (I say this genuinely) but after looking into it more, I don’t think so. Now I think the best way to describe her is that she is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off and she’ll be in a bad mood for days. And you better believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, she will make SURE everyone else is too.
• My dad, for coming into my room. This is similar to my sister, but he literally just comes into my room when the door is open to “check up” on me and most of the times I’m watching Netflix. Can a girl JUST GET SOME SPACE HERE PLEASE

I want to say this is pent-up and accumulated from 3 months of COVID-19 quarantine, plus probably some PMSing. But seriously, why is it so difficult for people to respect boundaries? I know I can communicate things better in general, so this is a learning situation for me too. Ughhhhh.

Anyone else feel the same way???