Grad School Life Update: 1.9 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Okay I graduate next month so I’m calling this my 1.9 years in update, haha.

LOVE: Relationship is steady! At this point, I feel like I’m getting really comfortable with him and the relationship, and I often have my guard down. I am still a little worried about life after graduation when we will be in different locations but ultimately through therapy, I’ve come to a place where I can genuinely say I’m taking it day by day and not overthinking.

SCHOOL: One *MONTH* left! Is that crazy?! These past few weeks have been crazy hectic with assignment deadlines and capstone requirements. I recently took my graduation photos and it made graduation feel so real. Overall, I’m very excited to graduate and leave this chapter for a new one!

WORK: I have had my full-time job offer secured since the Fall and I’m very grateful that I haven’t had to stress about job hunting on top of finals, etc. I’m trying to enjoy my last couple of months of “freedom” before I have to work full-time until I’m 65. I’m also TAing this quarter (as I have most quarters while in grad school) and I am getting a little burnt out with everything. But the end is near!

HOME: Similar update to before. My roommate has not really changed: she’s still messier and not as courteous as I’d like (or that I am to her) but the lease is almost up at this point. Living with her and just overall looking back at my experiences living with others has reaffirmed that I want to live solo. I also think it’s important to live by yourself (if you’re able to) and see how that experience goes.

All in all, I’m enjoying my last month as a graduate student. Life is good!

Five Things I Learned from Therapy

I recently started therapy and although I’ve only had a few sessions so far, I wanted to recap some lessons I’ve learned.

1. Your feelings are always valid. Sometimes in my therapy sessions, I preface by saying “I don’t know if I should feel this way, but …” and my therapist will always reply that my feelings are my feelings, and that my feelings are always valid. She recommended I take a brief moment to try to understand why I’m feeling this way, but not to linger too much on negative thoughts and feelings.
2. Thoughts aren’t facts. This is connected to the first point. Just because I feel a certain way about something, or I’m thinking about something through a certain perspective, it doesn’t mean that it’s a fact.
3. Things are not always connected, nor are they always about you. For example, my roommate has been closing her doors (even bathroom) all the way when she leaves the house. It might sound weird, but it wasn’t something she used to do. So I thought maybe she was being passive-aggressive towards me. Then I realized that it’s to literally hide her room because inside was a complete mess: trash everywhere, clothes on the floor, etc. It’s very easy to attempt a logical rational behind why people behave certain ways or why something has happened to you, but sometimes it’s literally not about you.
4. Learn to let the little things go. Be chill. This is something I’ve realized internally before, but I can have a tendency to overthink things or to be fixated on certain things. But it honestly does no good to be like this. I’m better about this now but need to still work on learning to let the little things go. Like my therapist said, I need to pick my battles and if I’m fixating on every little single thing that’s bothering me, I’m not using my resources wisely.
5. You don’t need a reason to go to therapy. I know many people go because they’re experiencing a lot of stress or anxiety. Or after a major event. But for me personally, I find it soothing to talk to a non-biased source about what’s been going on during my week. It’s nice to see her perspective but also to feel like I’m prioritizing my mental health. I know people may have friends and family members to talk about issues but there’s something about talking to a third-party who truly doesn’t judge and who won’t gossip that I really enjoy!

Life Advice: Trying to Live One Day at a Time

Something I’ve realized is that I tend to get really worried about the future. It isn’t good for my mental health and it’s not so good to be focused on something you can’t change as much as you can the present.

I’ve been working on just focusing on one day at a time and not worrying incessantly about the future. This includes things like:

• My boyfriend and I will be long distance after graduation. What’s going to happen to our relationship? I’m still trying to decide for myself but I’m not putting pressure on it. The way I see it: even if we break up due to the distance, I would rather be with him until we aren’t together, instead of trying to find another relationship or be single. And I think our relationship will solidify in the next few months as well. But I know we also have to have the discussion.
• My roommate has anxiety and isn’t the best roommate. But because I know she has bigger things she’s worrying about (her mental health), I try to let some of her behavior slide. That’s not to say I’m not annoyed by it still, though– I definitely am.
• Life after graduation: I’ve been browsing apartments and I do have a little bit of anxiety trying to find a cheap enough apartment so that I have more spending money.

But for now, instead of thinking about the future and worrying myself too much, I will just enjoy the present!

2022: Speaking Up & No More People Pleasing | Apartment Living Rant

One of the things I’ve come to learn is that I can be quite non-communicative when living with housemates. There will be an issue and instead of me communicating with the person, I’ll kinda stew on it and rant to my friends because I don’t want to be dramatic and make a big deal out of nothing. After all, it can be awkward living with someone who you’re at odds with and you’re locked in a lease for a year! But I’m learning that my feelings are valid and as long as I have good intentions and appropriately air out my grievances, it should be ok.

With 2022 starting, I especially didn’t want to continue living with my roommate in this non-communicative, stewing-silently mode. Shortly after I came back from winter break, I asked for two things:

1. Food in the fridge/freezer is no longer communal. My roommate ate my tofu and used up all of my wine, and I was just fed up. I felt disrespected: I didn’t even have any of the wine! And this is the second time she’s used all of my tofu! Obviously, she agreed to the rule because it’s not like she can’t. She did use my ketchup without asking but I’m okay with spices, sauces, and condiments being communal. Anything more, I will speak up against.
2. We take turns taking out the trash now. Previously, I felt like I was always the one taking out the trash. Even if she made a meal and the trash was 80% hers and was overflowing, she wouldn’t automatically take out the trash. I HATED looking at an overflowing trash can and having flies swarm around it, so I would take it out myself. I think I enabled her. Now at least things are more balanced. I printed out a trash schedule calendar so it’s totally clear who has what week.

These rules were enacted recently so I hope they stick. Remember when I told her my meat, eggs, and produce weren’t communal and she still ate my tofu and broccoli? Remember when we agreed that no dirty dishes to be laying around and to wash dishes the same day you use them? Sigh.

I really think living with housemates/roommates can be such a toss-up.

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note so I’ll try to say something positive. My roommate recently got a new boyfriend and so far (fingers crossed), he has not slept over at the apartment or overstayed his visit. He comes for dinner about once a week or other small stays. This is something I really appreciate because I absolutely despise it when boyfriends become an informal “third roommate”. I feel uncomfortable going outside my room when there are guests in the house.

Can’t wait to live on my own after graduation!

Grad School Life Update: 1.5 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Alright, my fall quarter is officially done! I just have two quarters left to go before I graduate this upcoming June. Here are my thoughts of where I stand:

LOVE: Relationship is still going strong! No complaints at all. I’m amazed at how refreshing it is to be in a genuinely healthy relationship for once. We have open communication, clear boundaries, and he’s honestly becoming one of my best friends.

SCHOOL:One quarter done, two quarters left! These upcoming two quarters will be more intense, especially since I’ll be working on my capstone but I’m excited. I’m thrilled and grateful to be living in Los Angeles, to have a great friend group, and to be able to have time to balance both work, school, and friends.

WORK:I quit my internship that had a long commute (45 minutes to one hour ONE WAY). I felt like I gained enough from it and it wasn’t worth the commute. I stayed on technically for 8 months total (virtual office), although it was just 3 months of commuting. I’m grateful to have secured a full-time job after graduation so I don’t feel like I need to continually bolster my resume.

HOME:Not much to update here! My roommate is still the same ol’ roommate: messier, disorganized, and ditzy. But my mentality is more now “well, I’m halfway done with the lease at this point!”

Rant: Roommate

I’ve been trying very hard not to write down a list of things I dislike about my roommate because then it will make it seem very… concrete and final. But I have to let it out.

1. She often has her meetings and phone calls on speakerphone. When this is in the common spaces of the apartment, I find it to be quite rude. I generally don’t mind when she has her calls on speakerphone/loud music in her room because that’s her personal space. Even when she has her music at maximum volume in her room, I try not to say anything. Instead, I just close my door all the way and use my noise-cancelling headphones and I think she gets the message.
2. She’s not good about washing her dishes and cleaning up after herself. Early on, we established two rules: wash dishes the same day you use them & do not have dirty dishes laying around the house. She followed this rule initially but started breaking it a few weeks ago.
3. She eats my food, even when I told her not to. When we first moved into the apartment, we said food was communal. After a while of her eating my food and me not eating hers (I don’t like her food and I buy what I like to personally eat), I told her I didn’t want my meat, produce, and eggs to be communal anymore (I was too scared to give a blanket statement but I should have) and if she needed to use something, please ask. She agreed. But lo and behold, she continued to use my food. Now, when I grocery shop, I meal prep the same day. I guess it’s been helpful in making me be intentional about my meals.
4. She’s ditzy and disorganized. I typically wouldn’t care if someone’s personality was ditzy… until it starts affecting me. She’s locked herself out on the balcony, forgotten her apartment keys, came late to our dinners and/or cancelled last minute, forgotten about the no-communal-food policy, etc.

The thing is, it’s difficult to “hate” her because I know she has good intentions and I genuinely do think she is just very … ditzy. However, ditzy or not, the result is the same: I don’t feel respected or comfortable in my living space. I try not to let her occupy too much of my mental energy though so hopefully this is the last post I have about her on my blog.

What I’ve learned during this process is that:

• Communication is important. This should be the first step in trying to resolve things.
• … However, when you communicate to your housemate your requests, and she ignores it/is too ditzy to remember…. the only thing you can do now is to change your own behavior. I now use noise-cancelling headphones to reduce the noise I hear from her, encourage the use of dishwasher so that we don’t have dirty dishes for days, meal prep the same day I buy groceries so she can’t use up my groceries, and generally try to let things go and not hold a grudge…

Sigh.

Grad School Life Update: 1.25 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Alright, so it’s halfway through my Fall quarter of my second/last year of this Master’s program. I am graduating next June. Thought I’d do a little update of how life has been going!

• LOVE: I have a boyfriend! Remember all of my mopey, pessimistic posts from years ago? Haha! So far, this relationship is awesome! Very fresh but very much loving it. For those of you who are (jokingly) complaining about being perpetually single, my three quick tips for you are:

1. Get out more. Go to more social events, classes, etc. The more you go to more events, the more likely you’ll meet cool people. (Doesn’t even have to be a partner, but you can meet friends!)

2. When you’re at the events… socialize! Mingle! Grab their social media accounts! There’s no point in going to events if you’re not going to socialize and/or grab the cool people’s social media accounts.

3. Keep your personality attractive. This is a big one, but what I mean is: stay humble, keep up your good work ethic, don’t take things too seriously (don’t be petty and keep grudges), and be confident. Haven’t you ever come across a SUPER attractive person and realize their personality was absolute shit? Yeah, exactly. Work on yourself before you jump into a relationship. This is % true.

• SCHOOL: Classes are going well! Just trying to hammer out all of my Master’s program requirements. I’m basically trying to do the bare minimum because I want all of my free time to be spent exploring the city and enjoying life before I have to work until I’m 65….
• WORK: Got a full-time job offer! This is the same company I interned at but surprisingly, I actually had to go through two additional rounds of interviews because I wanted to work at a different office that I was interning at. I’m relieved I got this offer (which I accepted) because this means I don’t have to worry about this anymore.
• HOME: Apartment living is overall going well! Truthfully, my housemate eats my groceries more than I’d like, she’s clingier than I’d want, and she’s messier than I’d prefer… but compared to my last roommate situation, this is a waaaay better living situation. I also know I have the tendency to overthink and OVERBLOW situations so I’m trying to keep my cool here. If I’m being 100% honest, I think the main reason I find her “annoying” (this is much too strong of a word) is because I’m trying to have very separate boundaries with her because of my last housemate experience. BUT my housemate seems to want to be 100% besties with me, which I’m not down for. So there’s a bit of weirdness where she always wants to hang out and talk about her day and asks me about mine, and I’m more like “Welp, I just want to relax at home. I have other friends I can talk to about this stuff.” She is definitely more extroverted than me.

OVERALL: Life is going awesome for me and I’m so grateful.

Apartment Living: My Experience | Tips to Make Dorm Life/Co-Habitating Successful

I recently moved to a new apartment and my housemate is my classmate/friend. As someone who had a very, very bad roommate experience in college (mainly because that roommate constantly brought her boyfriend over), I was very apprehensive this time around. So far though, it’s generally been going pretty well. Here are my tips to successfully cohabitate with others:

• Communicate often and clearly. It’s important to set a mutually-agreed standard of how you and your housemate(s) want to live. As someone who doesn’t like confrontation, this has been the hardest for me. My housemate would always leave half-eaten dishes in the common spaces and wouldn’t wash her dishes until days later. After noticing this was a problem, I gently asked if we could propose some rules for common spaces: wash our dishes the same day we use them, and make sure there weren’t any unoccupied dishes in the common spaces. I structured it as a conversation, instead of me demanding it to happen, and brought up the larger picture: we didn’t want bugs in our house and this was an easy way to prevent that. I then asked if she thought these rules were fair and if she had anything to add. She apologized for her behavior, said it was fair, and everything generally has been smooth on this front now!
• Bring up any concerns gently. I think tone is a big factor in how something might go over. If I go yelling at my roommate that she made a mess, she’s instantly on the defensive, right? Approaching it in a kind and open manner will elicit a (hopefully) similar response back. Back when we were apartment hunting, I shared with her my concern of having boyfriends over the apartment too much. I told her my previous roommate would bring her boyfriend over constantly– his 6am alarm would wake me up daily, he snored, he acted like he lived in the apartment, etc.– and that I was very apprehensive about the topics of boyfriends being in the apartment. I think that conversation let her know very early on that she needs to be mindful of how often her boyfriend is over. Except for this weekend (his birthday weekend), he’s been over very minimally (not only for my sake but because she is a law student who needs to study!).
• Try not to make a big deal out of one thing. This is another thing I have to work on. My housemate’s boyfriend has been over since Thursday night, worked from our apartment Friday (even when my housemate was out of the house, at her law courses) and looks like he’s leaving Saturday morning. He was also here very briefly on Sunday evening to say hi, since he was in the area. Honestly, I got a little bit annoyed because I don’t think boyfriends should be over this much (2 visits a week is my hard max) and boyfriends shouldn’t be alone in the apartment (my housemate should always be present). BUT I want to be considerate and give more leeway just this time because it was his birthday weekend. If he comes over this often when it’s not a milestone event, then I will talk with my housemate.
• Realize that rules will apply to you too. I’m currently single and am not seeing anyone right now. I’m trying to be cognizant of the fact that when I do get a boyfriend, how would I feel about these rules? I can’t demand new rules, get a boyfriend, and go back on my word. A lot of the times, housemates might not all be in the same exact shoes so take careful consideration when making universal rules.

That’s all I have for now! Happy moving into dorms!

What I Would Tell My Younger, College Self

Being a few years out of undergraduate, and currently in graduate school, has made me reflect back at what I used to think were the hardest years of my life. Now, because I’m older and hopefully wiser, I laugh but if I could go back in time, this is what I would tell my younger 18-22 year old self.

1. Grades don’t matter… to an extent. Sure, if you have great grades, you have wider options: scholarships, employment, funding, grad school, etc. But truthfully, most scholarships and internship offers are based on a 3.0 GPA. Some of the stricter ones have a 3.5 GPA requirement. Unless you’re set on going to graduate school (in which case, definitely try to get a high GPA), you will likely be fine with a 3.0 GPA (this is the case especiallyif your major is STEM; if your major is non-STEM, maybe shoot for a 3.5 GPA). When I graduated undergrad and got my first “real” full-time job, they never even asked me what my GPA was or required a transcript. I say this to hopefully relieve some pressure off you. A few “Bs” (or “C"s tbh) won’t kill you.
2. Make memories. Hang out with your friends. Go outside and go hiking. Go camping. Go on retreats. Get involved in extracurriculars. You don’t want to always be in your dorm, watching Netflix, when you’re not in class. Sure, sometimes you need to wind down but you don’t want your entire undergraduate experience to be summed up with "netflix.” I promise you: you will not remember the shows you binged your sophomore year of college, but you WILL remember that awesome overnight camping trip you took at Yosemite.
3. Network.I used to cringe when people would network in undergrad because I thought they were being so “extra” and so “fake.” And now I’m understanding that the mantra “fake it til you make it” is really accurate… It doesn’t matter how you personally feel about networking, but the reality is that most people get their jobs through networking (and those who network tend to have a “leg up”). If you want to be successful, I’d argue that networking is a key strategy you should implement, to some extent. The more professional experiences you have earlier on, the easier it is to get better opportunities later on: your success builds upon itself. And you don’t have to be super fake about it either; the people who are the best networkers tend to be the most genuine.
4. Have a small group of close, quality friends and work on strengthening those friendships. It’s better to have 3 quality best friends, instead of 10 friends that you’re not really all that close to. Quality over quantity, for sure. Although you should focus on quality, I still think it’s good to be socially connected with your classmates and acquaintances/friends through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, etc: after all, this is just good networking + who knows who may become your next close friend when you move to a new state! In college, it’s easy to hang out with friends but after college, it’s much more difficult to keep these friendships up.
5. Lastly, treat your body well. This means both mentally (most college campuses offer free, or reduced cost, therapy sessions! take advantage of this! once you’re in the “real world”, these sessions are $$$) and physically (eat the right type of food! exercise!).

Ultimately, college is what you make of it. It’s a period where you can explore your passions and find who you are. But also at the same time, it’s also meant to help advance your (future) career. You can definitely find the right balance between your professional and personal goals.

Moving out of my parents’ home in a few days | My Thoughts

In just a few days, I’ll be moving out of my parents’ home and into my own apartment! While I’m very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I’ve been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief.I look back at the years I spent at my parents’ home and become even more grateful of the fact that I’m moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, “You think you’re going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!” I know he’s trying to show he’ll still have ‘control’ of me when I move out, but let’s be real… If I’m not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master’s degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I’ve also experienced “sadness”. I say “sad” in quotes because I know deep down, I’m not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it’s the start of a new chapter. While I’m sad to leave behind familiarityandcomfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn’t familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I’m older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I’ll definitely be ok for this chapter!

Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I’m fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.

I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Living with Strict, Narcissistic Asian Parents | Breaking Out of the Comfort Zone

After I graduated from high school, I went to a college that was 400 miles away from my parents. The next 4 years were full of challenges and growth. And quite frankly, this was the time where my relationship with my mom was at its best. Let me say that more clearly: Distance is the best thing you can have if you have strict, narcissistic asian parents.

Why? They can’t control you. In my case, all my parents could really do was text or call me. Once the homesickness faded, we all got used to living without each other. My parents would check in with me occasionally but otherwise, let me live my life. We all knew we were just a phone call or text away. (Note: My parents didn’t mind me going to this far away college, because it was UC Berkeley and as we all know, Asian parents love to brag and take pride in rankings.)

Fast forward to today: After college graduation, I moved back home because I got a salaried position near my hometown. I worked there for 2.5 years, then was set to attend graduate school and was excited with the idea of moving away again. Unfortunately, COVID-19 happened and the entire academic year was online. Fortunately, the next academic year is planned to be in-person so I still get to move out!

Now that I’m at this point, I look back and wonder: “Do I regret living at home for the past 3 years?” And honestly, I have to reluctantly say “no.” As much as I did have extreme tension (!!!) with my parents, I have to admit I think the end result turned out ok. I did often feel socially “stunted” and that my privacy wasn’t always respected, however. But through these 3 years, I must’ve easily saved about $50,000 from not having to pay market rent, expenses, food, etc. With me in a master’s program, having this extra $50,000 is extremely helpful so that I don’t have to go into debt for education.

So I’m rambling here. What’s my takeaway?

• If you can, go to a college far away from home. At least far enough where you can dorm. Undergraduate years are a great time to find yourself.
• After graduation, consider your future plans. Are you considering graduate school? Are you still unsure about your career path? If yes, consider moving back home to help save while you think about how to proceed. If no, consider staying away from your parents! Or close enough to visit occasionally but far enough where they can’t control you. I know everyone says to live apart, but it’s 2021 and the reality is living expenses are CRAZY HIGH. Living with your parents is not nearly as stigmatized as it used to be.
• If you do find yourself living back at home (for whatever reason), make the most of it. Your parents will likely make you pay reduced market-price rent or if you’re lucky, no rent at all. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. If you have a transactional relationship with your Asian parents, just think of your stay as a temporary one. And one that ultimately helps your end goal.
• It’s also easy to stay stuck in this “comfort zone” of just living at home with minimal expenses forever. This isn’t great obviously, and is something I even succumbed to. You gotta grow! Live at home for a few years after graduation, but ALWAYS keep in the back of your mind your exit strategy. Are you staying at home until you get into grad school? Until you get your ideal job? Until you have saved enough for a car?

Of course everyone’s personal situation is unique so this post isn’t a cookie-cutter fit for all.

“Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” - Mark Twain

If there was one piece of advice I could give my younger self, I would probably say this: Focus on your own journey, and stop comparing it with other people’s journeys.

I always heard how software engineers could make 6 figures easily upon graduation. Doctors are highly esteemed and select specialties make money out of the wazoo. If you don’t want to go the doctor route, PAs also have the potential to make amazing money.

It took me awhile to understand how each of us have different strengths and weaknesses. And it’s really not great to idolize certain professions without understanding/recognizing the work that goes behind it.

For example: There’s the stereotype that software engineers have “easy” jobs and the tech industry seems so relaxed and chill. “All” they do is code and they get paid a crazy amount of money. I used to admire them and honestly, was jealous of them – I wish I could earn that much! But the reality is, I’ve taken a few coding classes and truthfully, all of the classes were really difficult for me and I was stressed most of the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that coding and programming isn’t for me, or at least certainly not what I’d want to do for a living!

Another example: Doctors are incredibly hardworking. You have to go through YEARS of education and training to be a doctor. And honestly, I can’t handle that.

Recognizing the work behind each profession makes me realize how I wouldn’t be a great fit in those professions and makes me shift my mindset from “WOW! I’m jealous of that profession and wish I could make that much money!” to “Wow! I know I wouldn’t be happy in that position, but I recognize the work that it takes to get there and that’s admirable! Good for them!”

Instead of idolizing certain professions, we should admire when people pursue what they’re passionate about – whether that’s software engineering, being a doctor, working as a city planner, etc. Recognize that certain individuals are better suited for certain professions over others. Certainly, not everyone is suited to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, etc.

Life is really about finding what your strengths and weaknesses are. When my friends are off pursuing their passions (or still trying to figure it out!), I’m genuinely happy for them. I used to secretly (in my head) compare salaries, benefits, job growth, etc. But it’s so unhealthy to have that competitive mindset. Is there even one job that is clearly the #1 option for everyone? Of course not!

All you can do in life is find what your passion is, pursue it, and if you’re so lucky to have your job and passion line together, oh man - that’s the dream!

Alright, there are many of us out here. Long story short: our parents immigrated over to the US, we are first-generation Americans, and there’s often clashes between the Asian culture and the American culture. Specifically, this post is for those of us who have narcissistic, strict Asian parents. If you don’t meet these, I’m sure maybe this post may seem harsh.

Here are 10 things I want to share with my fellow Asian-Americans in similar shoes.

1. Know that your experience may be common among other first-generation Americans who attempt to normalize the parents’ behavior, but that the parents’ behavior is NOT ok. This is something that I see happening often. I’ll say something like “Yeah so they weren’t the best parents.” or “My parents are complicated people” and the person will say, “Haha but that’s what everyone our age [20′s] says about their parents.” or “But they’re your parents!” I’ve learned to filter people who are dismissive! (I much rather them say “Totally see where you’re coming from!” or “Oh, yeah I see.” and *acknowledge* my statement, instead of dismissing it.)
2. If your parents see you as an “investment”, you’re not the only one! My parents (especially my mom) see her children as investments. While I understand there’s some cultural aspect to this point of view, I see this mentality as objectifying children and something that is completely tasteless. Perhaps that’s because I’m apparently “Americanized.” I don’t think parents should treat their children as material objects, wanting to “cash in” on them later. Instead, I think if parents treat their children well, children will be likely to return the favor. You should not need to threaten or consistently remind children that they “owe” you.
   
3. If your parents often criticize you by calling you “ugly”, “fat”, or “stupid, know that this is 100% a reflection of them, and NOT you. I am honestly pretty sensitive so this bullying used to really hurt my feelings. Now I am older and understand that they are reflecting how they feel about themselves and that they are massively insecure. While they try to say things like “Well, I say this because I care about you”, don’t believe it. What kind of logic is that? If your parents say these things to you, let it roll off and ignore them the best you can.
4. If your parents are money-oriented, keep your budget and monetary matters private. I understand where this comes from because many of them came with only the clothes on their backs to America. However, this does not allow them to control YOUR money and finances. Please, please, please make sure you have a separate bank account from your parents and that your finances are not co-mingling with theirs. Once that is established, make sure you keep your budget and monetary matters private. Don’t tell them your salary, your spending habits, how often you eat out, your big purchases, etc. Otherwise, they will use you or use the information against you. My mom will throw a literal TEMPER TANTRUM if she sees take-out in the trash cans. OR she’ll go “Wow, you eat out so much. Why don’t you ever buy me anything? You seem like you have so much money to spend.” I’ve had to hide Amazon packages from her, too. (Note: I’m good with money, so her critique of my spending is unwarranted.)
   
5. Nosy and intrusive parents? Keep conversations to small talk. Similar to the last point of how parents will use information they know against you… the best way to combat this is to just tell them less information. Of course in my specific situation, I can’t simply ignore or block them (nor do I think that action is entirely warranted … I just do limited contact). But I tell them small talk topics. Things I know they can’t really use against me. School, work, dog. I would NEVER, EVER tell them about my love life until I’m sure this guy is the one I want to marry, or something. My parents are much too nosy.
6. Strict parents, high expectations, and never satisfied… To an extent, I’m sure this has led to growth and higher accomplishments. But fuck, I hate when my parents have these crazy expectations of what I can do. And when I do well, they never say praise. It’s “expected” I perform well. Please know that all of your accomplishments take effort and you are appreciated! Even if not by your parents. 
7. If you have parents who are more “housemates” versus happily married couple, well… same. Divorce is very, very taboo in Asian culture, apparently. My parents will argue very often: loud screaming matches, doors being slammed, things being broken, cursing in their language. They’ve threatened divorce multiple times a year, but um they’re still together nearly 30+ years later. This has skewed my view of relationships. Truthfully, I had a period where I desperately wanted someone even if we might not be the best fit (high school/college), but now I’ve realized it’s better to be single than be in the wrong relationship. I am proud of my growth and single status - I’m working on myself, my goals, and my needs. If you have similar parents, please know that there ARE healthy, non-toxic relationships out there. If anything, view your parents’ relationships as what NOT to do.
8.  My parents have often simplistic views of medicine and health. And look, I get it, I know there is Eastern medicine. I cannot just “drink more water” and have everything be ok. I cannot just “eat vegetables” and have clear skin. I cannot just “drink Asian soup” and have all of my back pains gone. I understand the importance of diet, of course, but this is way too simplistic and often ignores science and modern medicine. To me, personally, it comes off as dismissive and disrespectful, especially when I ask my parents to respect my wishes (and my doctor’s) wishes to take medication/surgery/etc. When I was coming off a major 6-hour spinal surgery, my mom would refuse to let me take my pain medicine. Um, what? When my mom learned I was on birth control to control my periods and better my life, she threw my medicine away. I believe my health are private matters, and I don’t think anyone (except your partner) really needs to know your business.
9. Constant comparing and judging is a commonality with Asian parents. And I hate it. Why do I care about your co-worker’s daughter who I’ve never met?! The constant comparing makes everything in life feel like a competition. Now, when my parents try to compare or judge, I just nod and don’t give them any reaction. I’m secure in my own self and my accomplishments. I also think my parents just like to hear themselves talk… 
10. Lastly… know that you are not your parents. Just because you are genetically related to your parents, does NOT mean you will become just like them. You CAN break the cycle and be GOOD parents to your future children. The fact that you are aware your parents are not the best parents shows you are cognizant and recognize their behavior is not acceptable.

I’ll also drop two Reddit sites that have helped me: /raisedbynarcissistsand/asianparentstories 

HOWEVER, I would recommend you only spend 30 minutes a day on these sites because surrounding yourself in negative posts isn’t great for your mental health (at least for me, anyway). While it’s great to find relatable posts, I think it’s better for me to do a positive activity that boosts my mood, instead of stirring up anger and resentment (which is how I feel after viewing the sites for too long, lol).

I previously published a post entitled “The Honest Guide on Preparing for College” in June 2015. It’s since racked up over 7,000+ notes - which is crazy to me! 

But now with the pandemic happening, I think a “refresh” is warranted for the guide. So here it is: The Honest Guide on Preparing for College - COVID-19 Edition. This list assumes you are remote-learning and events are not in person. 15 tips!

1. Suffer from acne? Have a mental illness you’d like to get supported on? Visit a dermatologist. Visit a therapist. The reality is, the earlier you start, the earlier you can begin to see results. For me personally, it took a LOT of trial and error to get my skin clear - and what better time to do this than now? While in-person college would’ve had you going bare-faced often in the dorms, you still want to feel your best during these remote-learning sessions. Additionally, COVID-19 is wreaking HAVOC on everyone’s mental health so definitely feel encouraged to get that checked out!
2. Figure out a rough guideline of your morning/night routine. This still holds true for remote-learning. I would urge you to try to stick to some sort of routine even if you’re not physically going to classes. Maybe dressing up everyday is too much for you, but at least wash your face and brush your hair and look presentable. Don’t turn off your camera and don’t be a passive participant.
3. Understand that the way you organize high school classes is different from college classes. Typically, college classes are MWF, TTH, etc and don’t meet daily like in HS.
4. Invest in learning how techniques that make you feel good and look good. That might be learning some basic make-up skills, learning what clothes fits your body shape, learning workout techniques,  where to place your laptop for Zoom school, anything!
5. Make sure your Zoom background is appropriate and in a well-lit space. Make sure you wear appropriate clothes. This is basic but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve seen in very dim spaces or untidy backgrounds. And I’ve realized sometimes I’m wearing a normal tank top but because of the camera position, it looks like I’m not wearing a shirt. Definitely wear something that looks good on camera, meaning doesn’t make you look topless!
6. Realize that the first month-ish of school is the prime time to make new friends. I still think this is true. Be friendly during Zoom calls, maybe ask for a classmate or two’s phone #s to be study buddies and bond that way, start up a study group immediately, etc. People are much less likely to have organic conversations now, so you definitely have to put some active effort to build relationships! 
7. Keep in touch with your old friends! I’d argue that they might be closer to you than your newly formed college friends because it’s going to be hard to make new college friends now.
8. Be very organized about your schedule. Put in midterms/finals as soon as you know them. Put in study sessions. Put in professors’ office hours. Anything! 
9. Don’t skip class… seriously. And try to participate if you can. Professors are trying here. College today is now very impersonal, so why skip out on it? What’s the alternative? Watching the recorded lecture by yourself at night? :/
10. Be proactive about your classes and class planning. Pick classes you’ll enjoy (or think you’ll enjoy). Be diligent about visiting your advisor from time to time (just to make sure you’re on track! you definitely don’t want any surprises down the road, right?) If you’re not a morning person, don’t enroll in that 8AM (seriously, 8AM in college is WAY different from 8AM high school) if you won’t be able to remember material (even if you can zoom from your bed!)
11. Understand your finances for college. Including scholarships, how much you’re paying out of pocket, if you’re working, etc. It is a confusing topic and can be scary but it’s important to be on top of all your money stuff! 
12. Be gentle with yourself and others. Recognize that everyone is going through this pandemic and for most, this college experience ISN’T what they expected (or paid for). Be gracious, don’t be petty. Switching to remote learning is a new thing for many of us. Give yourself (and others) a grace period to understand the new methods and how to access the programs, etc.
13. Learn how to socialize and do small talk. I know, I know. No one likes small talk but I think it’s a skill to be able to talk to everyone and have a pleasant conversation. (Who ever would’ve thought we would have to do recruiting at college fairs online?!) 
14. Be ambitious and take advantage of all the resources. Wait, what? Yeah, go to that webinar about carbon emissions! Go to the panel about alumni experiences. There have been SO MANY virtual webinars and meetings lately - soak up all that knowledge! It’s never been easier to jump from meeting to meeting! And if you’re doing well with Zoom learning, well, stack on the courses! Personally, I can juggle 20 units in Zoom School but in person, this would’ve been a HUGE no-no.
15. Realize how small the world is and how connected everything is. Don’t talk shit about people. Seriously. The person you’re complaining about may have a friend who is taking a class with the person you’re telling to. Or the person you’re telling it to may have a friend who has a friend who knows the person. If it’s one thing that keeps coming up in my time here, it’s that everyone seems to know everybody (or is a friend of a friend). So limit your shit-talking, secret-sharing, gossip talk to only your trusted confidants. Seriously, though. As you go through college, you’ll come to notice that many people will reappear in your classes because of being in the same major, and more. The world is small, y’all. Don’t be reckless.
    

Mom: Highly narcissistic, classic asian tiger mom, never satisfied with anything. Always pushes siblings and myself more and more. Has little empathy for others. Has a loud shrieking voice. Very temperamental. Extremely money-oriented to the point that she will throw a tantrum if she sees us buying take-out. Has allowed our dog to escape the backyard multiple times. Manipulative. Does not respect privacy or medicine. Thinks “drinking water” can clear up autoimmune disorders. Verbally and physically abusive.

Dad: Extremely passive and uncommunicative. Slightly sexist attitudes, expecting females to cook, clean, and take care of him, but has improved a lot. Is not handy with repairs or fixes and usually ends up doing a half-assed job of it and makes the home lose value (i.e. our bathroom cabinets have ugly nails seen from the exterior, our shower faucets have broken pressure after he tried to fix the leaky aspect, our sink always floods every week because he won’t admit we need a plumber, etc). Also can be verbally and physically abusive but not nearly to extent of mom. Insecure about money. Very simple-minded. 

Older sister: Successful but a mini version of “Mom”. Can be very temperamental, moody, and hot and cold. Currently married and expecting their firstborn this month. Was usually the main recipient of my parent’s abuse growing up and ironically (or for that reason?), tries to forget the harmful past of our parents and family dynamic and selectively remembers the “good” parts only. Trying too hard to “revitalize” our asian traditions without any reciprocity from the family, who is disinterested and tbh should not be kept together for long periods because we’re toxic to each other. Seemingly has little connections/friends and seems lonely, a bit co-dependent on other people’s interactions.

Younger sister: Lazy, unambitious, needs her hand held for everything. Extremely co-dependent. The more artistic, creative sibling of the three of us. Likely has mild depression. Needs to mature more, too sheltered. After my older sister left, my younger sister became the main recipient of my parents’ abuse. Both sisters are fiery and hot-tempered, and clash with parents.

Me: Suffers from anxiety, and as a result often detaches myself from most situations and most people. Commitment-phobic because of parents’ relationship, but once attached to someone, likes the safety and security. Would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship (EXHIBIT A: MY PARENTS’ RELATIONSHIP). Yet ironically would stupidly go back to my exes than starting fresh. Have become more private about my life, which has helped my anxiety a LOT (also see “detached”). Too prideful of accomplishments, like school names and internships, like a dumb work rat in this cog of a machine. Can be petty and hold grudges, which is not great.

This quarter, I’m taking 22 units. Yes, 22. These 22 units include 18 academic units, and 4 units serving as official credit for being a TA. Oh yeah, I didn’t mention that I’m also a TA this quarter? I have to lead 3 discussion sections of 30 students each, grade 90 assignments a week, and keep up with student emails. 

Yeah.

Last quarter, I had a similar workload but it was more manageable because a couple of the courses were not as academic (i.e. a career prep course, or the required teaching pedagogy course). 

Sometimes i feel very overwhelmed, stressed out, and that I’m drowning in work and responsibilities. But then I remember what Nemo said: “Just keep swimming.”

What has helped me manage this workload is simply being on top of all of my deadlines and managing my time well. This means:

1. Listening in lecture and being 100% attentive (ok fine, 75%) 
2. Starting assignments early, and submitting them when I’m done
3. If there are group assignments, I need to coordinate early.
4. Tracking all due dates in my planner and calendar so there are no surprises along the way
5. Taking “me” time - Netflix, face masks, eating ice cream. You name it!

Easier said than done right? Definitely. When I do get overwhelmed, I have to remind myself of why I’m in this program, too. This graduate program is only 2 years long, and I want to prepare myself for the workforce and my career goals. And maybe throw in another quote, “no pain no gain”!??!

We can do this! Just keep swimming.

Hey parents,

It’s not healthy to fight so often. And it’s even worse to bring your children into the fight. 

K, thanks. Bye.

But in all seriousness, if two people are continually fighting about the SAME topic, something has got to change. Obviously something’s not working. 

I hate when my parents fight because: 

1. It’s not just a fight between them. Oh, no no. The entire house will feel the effects. My mom will act passive aggressive and slam doors. My dad will sulk and roll his eyes at my mom. They are both in bad moods that affect everyone. Everyone is walking on eggshells!
2. Even worse is when they TRY TO BRING US INTO THEIR FIGHT. Hey man, this is not my fight and I don’t have the energy to be involved in this. I hate when my dad goes, “Ugh do you see what your mom is doing? Why does she think all of this money is hers to spend?” I used to sit politely and squirm, but now that I’m older, I tell my dad, “Look. I’m not involved in this argument. Please do not involve me. I don’t know why she does what she does – ask her yourself –, and I don’t have time or energy or the mental bandwidth to be involved.”
   
   I sometimes feel bad for saying that – after all, I think my dad is just trying to vent (especially since it’s COVID right now so he can’t exactly go out with his friends). But um hello, I’m the CHILD. This is not healthy. Do not put me in between this.

I think I’ve gotten better with putting boundaries and prioritizing my mental health. I am not a listening ear to everyone. I am not responsible for taking care of everyone’s issues. Dealing with my OWN issues is already enough as it is.

Sigh. If anything, I guess my parents are perfect examples of what I should NOT do when I have my own kids. 

Raise your hand if so. ‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️

My mom’s voice is this uncomfortable, shrill voice. 

I can go deeper into this, like how her voice is triggering because it often results in:

• a heated argument
• a demand for me to do something for her 
• an insensitive comment about how I am stupid/fat/ugly/worthless
• an unsolicited probe into my personal life (when she found out I was on birth control pills, she THREW OUT MY MEDICATION) 

Whenever she screams my name (she’s always LOUD), I can feel my blood pressure rise. Clearly, my mom and I don’t have the best relationship lol. 

We get it, if you’ve accomplished a lot, you might really be feeling yourself. You might want the world to know. You feel GOOD. But I think there’s a very thin line between being proud of your accomplishments and being pretentious.

And I toe this line often, admittedly.

What I’ve Learned:

• Honestly, don’t bring things up if they’re not relevant to the conversation. Don’t try to “sneak” it into the conversation. You know how you can tell when someone is lovestruck because they constantly name-drop their boyfriend, or say “oh, my boyfriend and I…” in every sentence, when the conversation is about school loans or something TOTALLY irrelevant? Yeah, exactly. It can get annoying. Having a boyfriend, or receiving an award, is not your WHOLE identity (I hope).
• It is way more impressive to be humble about your achievements in most settings. Unless this is an interview or you are helping someone who is interested in your experiences, there’s really no need to brag that you got a full ride or how you’ve gotten a 4.0 GPA unsolicitedly. There’s a time and place for everything. Even with forums like LinkedIn which are meant to showcase your professional accomplishments, you need to watch your tone and wording so that the post does not come off as snarky or pretentious!
• Life is not a competition. I’ve realized my need to share accomplishments is because I like the validation, but it’s like ??? That’s no bueno. I am actively working on not seeing everything as a competition because that makes life unnecessarily more dramatic and stressful. There’s a difference between confidence and pretentiousness! 

Tldr; share only when needed, be humble (sit down), and take a chill-pill. Keeping this points in mind have helped with my mental health too!