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Moving out of my parents’ home in a few days | My Thoughts

In just a few days, I’ll be moving out of my parents’ home and into my own apartment! While I’m very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I’ve been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief.I look back at the years I spent at my parents’ home and become even more grateful of the fact that I’m moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, “You think you’re going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!” I know he’s trying to show he’ll still have ‘control’ of me when I move out, but let’s be real… If I’m not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master’s degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I’ve also experienced “sadness”. I say “sad” in quotes because I know deep down, I’m not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it’s the start of a new chapter. While I’m sad to leave behind familiarityandcomfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn’t familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I’m older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I’ll definitely be ok for this chapter!

Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I’m fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.

I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Three Tips for Living with Strict, Asian Narcissistic Parents

1. Lower your expectations.

The reality is, my family is broken. Both of my parents have their Asian ideals and standards hard-wired into them, and I have more Western ideals. My mom is narcissistic and is prone to mood swings. My dad is unambitious and an enabler. My parents used to be physically abusive and verbally abusive (they’ve “grown” out of it as we aged; I think it’s harder to hit a 20-something year old versus a 10 year old, but hey). Unfortunately, it’s unrealistic to expect them to just “grow” out of the rest of their personality/being. I’ve lowered my expectations of what my parents should be, because otherwise they’ll never reach them and so I don’t constantly get disappointed.

2. Emotionally distance yourself and stone wall

What I’ve done this past few years (honestly, without thinking) is just keep things to myself, and not engage my parents in anything. Keep conversations light, short, and surface-level. The less they know about your life, the better! You better believe they’d use information as a weapon against you later!

3. Become financially independent

If they’re funding your lifestyle, I’m sorry – because it’s hard to detangle yourself out of that. Parents like mine like to hold over the fact that they have money and can control you. Once you become financially independent, you take away a HUUUUGGEEEE source of their “power.”

Living with Strict, Narcissistic Asian Parents | Breaking Out of the Comfort Zone

After I graduated from high school, I went to a college that was 400 miles away from my parents. The next 4 years were full of challenges and growth. And quite frankly, this was the time where my relationship with my mom was at its best. Let me say that more clearly: Distance is the best thing you can have if you have strict, narcissistic asian parents.

Why? They can’t control you. In my case, all my parents could really do was text or call me. Once the homesickness faded, we all got used to living without each other. My parents would check in with me occasionally but otherwise, let me live my life. We all knew we were just a phone call or text away. (Note: My parents didn’t mind me going to this far away college, because it was UC Berkeley and as we all know, Asian parents love to brag and take pride in rankings.)

Fast forward to today: After college graduation, I moved back home because I got a salaried position near my hometown. I worked there for 2.5 years, then was set to attend graduate school and was excited with the idea of moving away again. Unfortunately, COVID-19 happened and the entire academic year was online. Fortunately, the next academic year is planned to be in-person so I still get to move out!

Now that I’m at this point, I look back and wonder: “Do I regret living at home for the past 3 years?” And honestly, I have to reluctantly say “no.” As much as I did have extreme tension (!!!) with my parents, I have to admit I think the end result turned out ok. I did often feel socially “stunted” and that my privacy wasn’t always respected, however. But through these 3 years, I must’ve easily saved about $50,000 from not having to pay market rent, expenses, food, etc. With me in a master’s program, having this extra $50,000 is extremely helpful so that I don’t have to go into debt for education.

So I’m rambling here. What’s my takeaway?

• If you can, go to a college far away from home. At least far enough where you can dorm. Undergraduate years are a great time to find yourself.
• After graduation, consider your future plans. Are you considering graduate school? Are you still unsure about your career path? If yes, consider moving back home to help save while you think about how to proceed. If no, consider staying away from your parents! Or close enough to visit occasionally but far enough where they can’t control you. I know everyone says to live apart, but it’s 2021 and the reality is living expenses are CRAZY HIGH. Living with your parents is not nearly as stigmatized as it used to be.
• If you do find yourself living back at home (for whatever reason), make the most of it. Your parents will likely make you pay reduced market-price rent or if you’re lucky, no rent at all. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. If you have a transactional relationship with your Asian parents, just think of your stay as a temporary one. And one that ultimately helps your end goal.
• It’s also easy to stay stuck in this “comfort zone” of just living at home with minimal expenses forever. This isn’t great obviously, and is something I even succumbed to. You gotta grow! Live at home for a few years after graduation, but ALWAYS keep in the back of your mind your exit strategy. Are you staying at home until you get into grad school? Until you get your ideal job? Until you have saved enough for a car?

Of course everyone’s personal situation is unique so this post isn’t a cookie-cutter fit for all.

Alright, there are many of us out here. Long story short: our parents immigrated over to the US, we are first-generation Americans, and there’s often clashes between the Asian culture and the American culture. Specifically, this post is for those of us who have narcissistic, strict Asian parents. If you don’t meet these, I’m sure maybe this post may seem harsh.

Here are 10 things I want to share with my fellow Asian-Americans in similar shoes.

1. Know that your experience may be common among other first-generation Americans who attempt to normalize the parents’ behavior, but that the parents’ behavior is NOT ok. This is something that I see happening often. I’ll say something like “Yeah so they weren’t the best parents.” or “My parents are complicated people” and the person will say, “Haha but that’s what everyone our age [20′s] says about their parents.” or “But they’re your parents!” I’ve learned to filter people who are dismissive! (I much rather them say “Totally see where you’re coming from!” or “Oh, yeah I see.” and *acknowledge* my statement, instead of dismissing it.)
2. If your parents see you as an “investment”, you’re not the only one! My parents (especially my mom) see her children as investments. While I understand there’s some cultural aspect to this point of view, I see this mentality as objectifying children and something that is completely tasteless. Perhaps that’s because I’m apparently “Americanized.” I don’t think parents should treat their children as material objects, wanting to “cash in” on them later. Instead, I think if parents treat their children well, children will be likely to return the favor. You should not need to threaten or consistently remind children that they “owe” you.
   
3. If your parents often criticize you by calling you “ugly”, “fat”, or “stupid, know that this is 100% a reflection of them, and NOT you. I am honestly pretty sensitive so this bullying used to really hurt my feelings. Now I am older and understand that they are reflecting how they feel about themselves and that they are massively insecure. While they try to say things like “Well, I say this because I care about you”, don’t believe it. What kind of logic is that? If your parents say these things to you, let it roll off and ignore them the best you can.
4. If your parents are money-oriented, keep your budget and monetary matters private. I understand where this comes from because many of them came with only the clothes on their backs to America. However, this does not allow them to control YOUR money and finances. Please, please, please make sure you have a separate bank account from your parents and that your finances are not co-mingling with theirs. Once that is established, make sure you keep your budget and monetary matters private. Don’t tell them your salary, your spending habits, how often you eat out, your big purchases, etc. Otherwise, they will use you or use the information against you. My mom will throw a literal TEMPER TANTRUM if she sees take-out in the trash cans. OR she’ll go “Wow, you eat out so much. Why don’t you ever buy me anything? You seem like you have so much money to spend.” I’ve had to hide Amazon packages from her, too. (Note: I’m good with money, so her critique of my spending is unwarranted.)
   
5. Nosy and intrusive parents? Keep conversations to small talk. Similar to the last point of how parents will use information they know against you… the best way to combat this is to just tell them less information. Of course in my specific situation, I can’t simply ignore or block them (nor do I think that action is entirely warranted … I just do limited contact). But I tell them small talk topics. Things I know they can’t really use against me. School, work, dog. I would NEVER, EVER tell them about my love life until I’m sure this guy is the one I want to marry, or something. My parents are much too nosy.
6. Strict parents, high expectations, and never satisfied… To an extent, I’m sure this has led to growth and higher accomplishments. But fuck, I hate when my parents have these crazy expectations of what I can do. And when I do well, they never say praise. It’s “expected” I perform well. Please know that all of your accomplishments take effort and you are appreciated! Even if not by your parents. 
7. If you have parents who are more “housemates” versus happily married couple, well… same. Divorce is very, very taboo in Asian culture, apparently. My parents will argue very often: loud screaming matches, doors being slammed, things being broken, cursing in their language. They’ve threatened divorce multiple times a year, but um they’re still together nearly 30+ years later. This has skewed my view of relationships. Truthfully, I had a period where I desperately wanted someone even if we might not be the best fit (high school/college), but now I’ve realized it’s better to be single than be in the wrong relationship. I am proud of my growth and single status - I’m working on myself, my goals, and my needs. If you have similar parents, please know that there ARE healthy, non-toxic relationships out there. If anything, view your parents’ relationships as what NOT to do.
8.  My parents have often simplistic views of medicine and health. And look, I get it, I know there is Eastern medicine. I cannot just “drink more water” and have everything be ok. I cannot just “eat vegetables” and have clear skin. I cannot just “drink Asian soup” and have all of my back pains gone. I understand the importance of diet, of course, but this is way too simplistic and often ignores science and modern medicine. To me, personally, it comes off as dismissive and disrespectful, especially when I ask my parents to respect my wishes (and my doctor’s) wishes to take medication/surgery/etc. When I was coming off a major 6-hour spinal surgery, my mom would refuse to let me take my pain medicine. Um, what? When my mom learned I was on birth control to control my periods and better my life, she threw my medicine away. I believe my health are private matters, and I don’t think anyone (except your partner) really needs to know your business.
9. Constant comparing and judging is a commonality with Asian parents. And I hate it. Why do I care about your co-worker’s daughter who I’ve never met?! The constant comparing makes everything in life feel like a competition. Now, when my parents try to compare or judge, I just nod and don’t give them any reaction. I’m secure in my own self and my accomplishments. I also think my parents just like to hear themselves talk… 
10. Lastly… know that you are not your parents. Just because you are genetically related to your parents, does NOT mean you will become just like them. You CAN break the cycle and be GOOD parents to your future children. The fact that you are aware your parents are not the best parents shows you are cognizant and recognize their behavior is not acceptable.

I’ll also drop two Reddit sites that have helped me: /raisedbynarcissistsand/asianparentstories 

HOWEVER, I would recommend you only spend 30 minutes a day on these sites because surrounding yourself in negative posts isn’t great for your mental health (at least for me, anyway). While it’s great to find relatable posts, I think it’s better for me to do a positive activity that boosts my mood, instead of stirring up anger and resentment (which is how I feel after viewing the sites for too long, lol).

First off: I am very appreciative and grateful for my parents and what they’ve done to shape my journey. We do not agree on most things, and much of this is due to the American/Asian culture clash, since I am first-generation American (and first-generation college student). I won’t get into the weeds about our differences, but just know that it is very, very strongly there.

With that acknowledgement there, I want to say… I’m sick of taking care of all of my parents’ responsibilities. I’m sick of having to call their insurance and see what their new quote on their policy would be. I’m sick of having to fill out their tax forms. I’m sick of having to deal with car insurance agents when they need to file a claim. I’m sick of having to serve as their personal “IT” person, when they SOMEHOW erased and reset their phone, losing all of their contacts and information (???). I’m sick of having to know all of their passwords for their accounts because they forget to write it down – which leads me to having to reset all of their accounts and create a new password. I’m sick of them demanding I “find the best deal” for a product. I’m sick of serving as the middle person for all of their god damn interactions, especially with EACH OTHER when they are having fights. I’m sick of serving as their “therapist” when they’re arguing about each other: it’s uncomfortable and toxic.

I’m sick of my parents being unnecessarily dependent on me.

I get that this may come off as entitled and whiny. After all, they did raise me the “best” they could (I guess?) and on the outside, I appear to be a successful person. 

However… I would feel differently if they were clueless on how to do this themselves but were willing to learn, but they’re not. They just demand I do these things for them, with very little appreciation.

They know how to do these things by themselves, they are just lazy. They don’t want to learn how to do this themselves, because they see me – their child – as their eternal servant, who serves them dutifully (fuck no). When I was away in college, they did these things themselves. My parents speak very competent English (near fluent). It’s not that they are pressed for time, either. They both work full-time jobs, yes, but arguably my schedule is much busier: I’m a full-time graduate student AND working part-time. My mom said, “This is why we have children so they can help us out” and yes, I get what she’s expressing - but you should not be increasingly dependent on your children when you are able to do these tasks on your own, and when putting these responsibilities on your children causes them more burden. It is more efficient overall for my parents to learn how to do these tasks themselves. I don’t mind helping here or there (or teaching them how to do these tasks themselves for the future), but I cannot (and will not) be their go-to person for all of their day-to-day responsibilities.

Given my parents’ situation, how can someone be expected to shoulder on TWO ADDITIONAL PEOPLE’S responsibilities AS WELL as my own? I think that’s ridiculous and I’m reaching my limits.

Maybe the worst part of this is that I have a sister at home, but they’ve deemed ME preferable to help with things over her. So ironically, because I’m so helpful, I’m punished and forced to help more. Like ?? This cycle never fucking ends. 

Sigh.

My parents were immigrants who fled their home countries to the USA. Living in a home that had constant clashes with their cultures & the American culture was definitely a struggle. 

I think from the outside, it may look like my family is picture-perfect: 3 daughters who all attended top-notch universities, 1 daughter married and expecting a child soon, the father enjoys working on cars in his free time, the mother appears to be a dutiful wife, etc. 

But like social media, everything is an illusion.

Growing up, my parents were very fierce and overprotective. Everything was a competition. My mom was a tiger mom, demanding all As and top grades. It was difficult to live in such a high pressure environment. Early on in our childhoods, my parents were abusive: both physically and verbally. This lessened as we were older (maybe around middle school) and their parenting grip lessened slightly, but the damage was already done. 

It’s funny reflecting back on my childhood because while I knew then that it was tough (and definitely different from many of my peers), it was all I knew and I somehow thought it was normal. Now I look back and realize, damn. (At the same time, I realize many others have had it worse.) I remember one instance where my mom was trying to teach us Mandarin and she would hit us with a chopstick for wrong responses. I remember my younger sister trying to hide a pillow under her shirt so the chopstick smacking her wouldn’t be as painful. I remember my mom cruelly laughing and saying, “Yeah? Call the police. They’ll take you away from here and you’ll be put in a worse home.” I think even then, my sisters and I knew the foster system wasn’t that great and at least my parents’ (mainly my mom’s) episodic rages were just that – episodic.

I used to genuinely think my mom was experiencing menopause symptoms: mood swings, irritability, etc and that things would get better once her hormones stabilized. But now I know better. It’s “lasted” for about 10 years at this point, and it’s pretty much her personality now. She was never experiencing menopause symptoms - it was a problem with her personality.

I remember getting into UC Berkeley and instead of congratulating me, my mom remarked, “Yeah but you didn’t get into UCLA” (the oneschool I hadn’t gotten accepted to). My mom was like that: constantly putting you down, reminding you of your failures. I think she gets some sort of satisfaction of bringing people down.

Dating was forbidden. Glancing at a boy too long on the car ride home or otherwise showing interest in the opposite gender would induce a long rant. “No, you are not allowed to date. Focus on school, academics, your life.” “No boyfriend.” “No.” This continued in college too. They dismissed the idea of romantic partners, urging to focus on school and academics only. Ironically, once I graduated college, my mom would then say “Where’s your boyfriend? Where are my grandkids?” It’s as if she thinks a boyfriend is something you easily find in a matter of days. I made a pact to myself that I will never tell my parents that I’m dating anyone for as long as I can - they simply don’t deserve to know.

I am grateful that I chose a college 400 miles away. I was able to escape their supervision and maintain a relationship through texts instead. I honestly would say this is the best time of our relationships: I was not feeling smothered or stuffed into a toxic environment. 

Now that I’ve graduated from UC Berkeley and am going to graduate school at UCLA this fall, I feel some sort of peace with myself. On one hand, I am proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished and surely everything in my past has somehow led me to my present point, but on the other hand, I still feel very dismissive towards my parents. While they did raise me and affect me growing up (for better or for worse), I still feel a lot of resentment towards them for their maltreatment. 

How much leeway do they get? They fled their home countries because of war and struggles but can that excuse be used for 20-25+ years of abusive behavior? How can someone be expected to forget everything that happened and pretend the present times are all good and cheerful? I think that’s what I struggle with. I don’t ever see my relationship with my parents improving to the point where we are some cheerful American TV sitcom show – and I’m ok with that. The less interactions we have with each other, the better.

Soooo I know it’s Father’s Day today - happy father’s day! I’ve celebrated with my family and told my dad.

But this made me kinda think about the holidays my family celebrates and honestly… how awkward they are.

My parents were immigrants who came from Asia to the United States (they are full US citizens now BTW). They have lived a hardened, tough life - even when they were already in the United States. They worked very hard to get to where they are now, and I don’t want to dismiss that at all.

Growing up, my parents were very strict and we had limited financial means. It’s weird to talk about it now because over the years, they have certainly lessened their tiger grip on parenting but growing up, it was very, very tight. I couldn’t go hang out with my friends unless it was related to some extracurricular club activity (Red Cross club, volunteering, etc) and for a purely social hangout, I really had to beg and plead my parents. Even if something didn’t require any money, I’d have to really beg for permission. Looking back on it now, I feel like my parents felt like by controlling us, it showed they cared (something they still do to this day). 

Academics were pushed on us heavily. Sports, relationships, free-time activities weren’t. Every second of my life before college was very geared towards academics and succeeding. I established a great work ethic and study schedule, so that was nice. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for working hard, that I always had a solid roof over my head, and that I always had food in my tummy.

You might be able to sense that I have some animosity with my mom through some of my previous posts. It’s true. Even though my parents had limited means and had a strict parenting style when I was growing up, my dad had a very kind and caring personality for the most part. He felt more human. My mom, on the other hand, has a different personality: never satisfied, always complaining, always comparing, easily upset, very temperamental. (As I’m typing this post, she’s screaming right now.) It is something I still can’t justify as being ok and it’s truly toxic behavior. Her personality has been constant from a young age to present times. Maybe she was stressed at how much she was working and so her temperamental behavior was a result of that; but I still don’t believe you should project this onto a small child. Maybe she has some underlying medical condition or personality changes she needs to enforce; but she should be responsible for her health - how can a small child do this?

I have anxiety and it’s managed well now (after some trials & errors with myself, admittedly) and if I try to pinpoint the root of my anxiety, I have to say it was my upbringing. If my mom came home from work in a bad mood, she would make it so EVERYONE would be in a bad mood. She would have yelling matches because our bathroom was not “clean enough” or be upset if I didn’t score high enough on an exam. She is never one to apologize, and always one to complain. She is manipulative and abusive. She is demeaning. She calls me fat, ugly, and stupid constantly. Her personality and my personality are just NOT compatible.

Hopefully that gives some background of my mom and how she raised us (and what she’s like today). Our family is very emotionally stoic (as most asian american immigrant families can be), particularly my parents. When it comes to holidays like Mother’s Days, it can be a little awkward. Yes, American culture dictates we have to celebrate this but internally, I feel awkward and forced: my mom was not a great mom. I understand she was raised in a different culture and had a tough upbringing but that surely can’t be an excuse to her toxic 20+ years of behavior, right? 

My dad, on the other hand, has some similarities with my mom (I mean, they both could improve tbh) but on the whole, is much more understanding and at least he doesn’t have mood swings like my mom. He is much more stable and compassionate. (Truly, their marriage isn’t all happy sunshine and smiles; it is more of a roommate situation almost. They don’t celebrate anniversaries or anything, and they’ve talked about divorce seriously a handful of times, including this year – buuuuuuuut that’s an entirely different post.)

With today being Father’s Day, I feel much more inclined to celebrate Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day (which of course my mom will not like). I think it’s this truly endless cycle: I respect people who respect me. My mom has not done that great of a job raising us and does not respect us so my behavior to her is similar; then she gets upset at this behavior and throws a mood swing. 

I think one of us has to be the bigger person somehow and let the whole 20+ years behind us. But I think to me, that is hard to swallow. I’m more inclined to be at tolerable terms with my mom. I don’t know if I can truly let go of 20+ years and pretend it doesn’t exist and move on and be chummy buds with my mom. Being in this mother-daughter relationship is honestly EXHAUSTING and TAXING on me - even at this level where I just try to live on tolerable terms with her. I know my older sister has somewhat let go of the past (largely influenced by her recent marriage & expecting a child early next year) and has a much warmer relationship with my mom, but admits that even then, my mom is a difficult person. 

To truly have a better relationship with my mom, I think I either have to let go of 20 years of history and/or live a much more distanced life from my mom, and not let her in too much. I currently do the latter, and since I have, my anxiety is much better.

Anyway, this is just a long rant that I had to get off my chest. These holidays celebrating parents (particularly mothers) are difficult for me and just weird, sometimes.