Even though I sleep well most nights, I’m still tired. Sometimes the whole day.
I’m still trying to find my routine. For sure, at 08:00 each morning I’m driving Mum to school and picking her up again at 15:00…
Other than that, it’s all about whatever I can do to keep myself occupied… Look for work, think about my career, visit a friend, take Alex for a drive, clean the pool, swim in the pool, check the surf or think.
Today’s been a thinking day….. I miss my dog.
It’s a very long story, one that I wouldn’t want to bore you with the finer details of, but in the end, I was once a proud father, but now my 5 year old baby is with her mum in Dresden and I am here in Ocean Shores.
I miss her every single day.
Some days are worse than others. I can’t go a day without thinking about her. She was my life. There’s usually 2 questions that roll around in my head… “what is she doing/feeling now, without me?” and “what would we do together if she was here?”.
I well up thinking about these questions, and usually distract myself immediately so as not to cry.
My ex and I agreed early on we wouldn’t post pictures of her or discuss/post about her online. We wanted something private just for ourselves. That decision was made back when I was touring a lot and we had plenty of fans around.
I don’t know if that rule applies to me now, and while I do want to respect my ex’s wishes (our wishes), I also feel that I should write something down, document my feelings and try to process this… Writing has helped me with a few things so far, why not with my grief?
I guess in the end, I have to get used to the idea that she’s no longer my dog.
I mean, I never had any official paperwork with my name on it saying I owned the “property” that was our dog (how could I? It was all in German anyhow!!!). Officially, I have no say in where she lives and who she lives with.
In fact, I didn’t want a dog at first. I’ve always been scared of them… Terribly afraid because when I was very young, our own dog (in Melbourne in 1984-85) scared the living shit out of me too many times… So I have always had reservations about dog ownership…
That was until the little brown ball of fur came into my life… I loved that little puppy like my life depended on it.
Although I may not be registered as her father, I love her like one.
I am her Daddy. I always will be.
I trained her, I took care of her, I loved her. And I was very proud to do so. She is amazing…
I trained her to skateboard, paddle board and hang with me in the studio (yes, I even have videos of her singing along with me). She could travel all over Europe with me, visit any number of famous locations and take it all in her stride. She’s walked Venice, urban swam in Bern, had tourist photos at Checkpoint Charlie and been photographed by more Japanese tourists than I can care to remember…
I taught her how to give hugs on command. She’d pull me in and wrap her little paws around me, it was the sweetest hug anyone could ever get… I miss them…
She is a real beautiful talented little girl…
But maybe the most important thing was, what she did for me.
When “my daughter” came into my life, I had just stopped drinking (6 months earlier). I was still trying to find the new “me” in a world where all my friends and band members drank regularly around me. I was fine with everyone drinking…. However, if anyone who has stopped drinking (or doing drugs) knows, when that crutch is no longer in your life, when you have nothing to hid behind anymore, you learn more about yourself than ever before…
She gave me love, strength and courage to do things I was scared or worried to do… She gave me reason to live…
If this was an AA meeting, I’d say she was my sponsor.
I received unconditional love no matter how bad I felt in a social situation that made me uncomfortable. She looked up to me for guidance, and in doing so, guided me to feeling more comfortable in my uncomfortable skin.
I wasn’t afraid to go places when she was with me. I wasn’t worried about what people would think, or how I would feel or think… I was happy because she was by my side, and she surely was happy having me take her places and give her treats.
We were a great team…
Now that I no longer have that team, that partnership, that unconditional love, I hurt.
I worry if I can do anything without anxiety anymore. Can I step out of my comfort zone without her??
Well surely I have come along way in the past 5 years. Still ain’t drinking, still learning all the time how to deal with my inner struggles. But without her, it feels harder… I struggle without her constant love and companionship.
I never thought in all my years, that a dog would be so important to me… She still is…
The last time I saw her was in late June. I decided to take control of how and when I let her go free. I arranged my dearest and trusted friend to meet with us, and I could pass “my daughter” over… And my friend could walk her to my ex’s place.
The idea of passing her over directly, that would have been too much… I couldn’t do it. It was hard enough just to pass her to my friend. It took a long time, a hell of a lot of tears (in public no less). The idea of giving this beautiful thing away hurt me to my core.
It still does.
She knew something was up. She was quiet and attentive. She could read me like a book… I tried to say “goodbye”, but the words could barely come out. I know I said “I love you” as often as my tears would allow.
When I made the decision to leave Europe, I knew I’d miss a lot of people and places. I knew I had to give up a lot of things… At that moment, that day in June, it all came to a head.
If, at the time, I was still on the fence about moving, I’d have stayed… I wouldn’t have been able to let her go (I still haven’t)… But as all the plans had been made, and I knew my Mum was waiting for me, I had to do it. I had to keep moving forward… No matter how much it hurt…
My last image of my girl is her walking away with someone we both trusted. (she has the sweetest little butt). I ran after them down the street (crying like a fool), but she didn’t look back.
She didn’t know that was the last time she’d see me… How could she, she’s a dog! She doesn’t understand… But I do… And it hurts to think about how she feels without me in her life.
I have not had a photo or an update since… It’s been 4 long months…
I wake up everyday wondering if my ex would see things my way and send her to me… Maybe she’d have a change of heart, or maybe her circumstances have changed… My ex knows I’m waiting…
Hope is the last to die…
Originally I wanted to write an update on how our new life down here was going, but I can’t get “my daughter” out of my mind, so I figured I’d write about her… Maybe in a few days I can express more about our life here, but for now, my beautiful four legged girl is all I can or want to think about.
I cried while writing this, and I’ll cry again if I have to proof read it again (so I’ll get Alex to do that!).
I just want to process this pain and replace it with love and happiness for our past… I really want to smile when I think about her, and laugh about her silly ways, but I’m not ready… I realised now, I still have more grieving to do…
I hope writing things down helps…
Thanks for reading,
Josh
This post is from my husband.
I don’t know if anyone has gone through something similar who might be open to sharing their thoughts and experiences on this, but I can tell you it’s hard watching someone you love go through something like this and feel so helpless.
Currently volunteering a 3hr shift to the Pet Loss Support Hotline at MSU CVM. I am a firm believer that our ‘pets’ are a part of our family and if you are grieving, struggling to cope with their loss, then there should be someone there to help you. Tonight, that might be me!
If you or anyone you know is struggling with the loss of a pet and feels like they need someone to talk to, there are options!
The Listening Ear 24-hour Crisis Hotline: (517) 337-1717
The Iams Pet Loss Support Resource Center: (888) 332 7738 [M-F 8-5]
WSU Hotline: (886) 266-8635
Until April 20th, 2017 MSU Pet Loss Support Hotline: (517) 432-2696 6:30 pm - 9:30 pm EST [T,W,Th]
Mostly I’ve been painting dogs for people, but I’ve done some other stuff as well. I’m trying to make art my main source of income because I’m sick of working pointless jobs. So.
If anyone would like a painting done, I would love to paint your dog.
You can message me on here, email me (ask me), or find me on Etsy, insta, or fb.
Mostly I’ve been painting dogs for people, but I’ve done some other stuff as well. I’m trying to make art my main source of income because I’m sick of working pointless jobs. So.
If anyone would like a painting done, I would love to paint your dog.
You can message me on here, email me (ask me), or find me on Etsy, insta, or fb.
I’m not sure if any one is still here: it’s been a while.
My beautiful, clever, empathic heart dog, Badger, went on his next adventure to the Rainbow Bridge at 11:30 on the 14th of July. We were incredibly lucky that we were allowed to be with him ( in light of current times ) along with a vet he’s known since he was a puppy. He went calmly, peacefully, in exactly the place he should have been; wrapped in my arms.
I was 17 when Badger came to us, agoraphobic and struggling with everything past waking up. He helped me find joy again. I’m still here because of him.
Although my heart is shattered, I’m immensely thankful I got to share so many moments with this tremendous boy. He was so beloved by everyone he met, my happy boy. He was the gentlest soul who just wanted to love and be loved in return. ♡
Our little girl Ruby went to the rainbow bridge this morning. Her kidneys failled and there was nothing more anyone could do, despite the efforts of our fantastic vets over the past 48 hours. Our hearts are shattered and I can’t quite put into words how truly devastated we are.
We were planning to take her to the only dog friendly wildlife park in the UK, in the Cotswolds, in May, go camping and everything. Fill a tent with blankets and Ruby’s toys. We were going to take her to see my nanna this weekend so they could potter around together. There are so many things we’d planned to do and they’re not gone now but they’re irrevocably different and nothing we can do can change that. We just wanted more time.
I’d trade forever for just another day. Love you always orange dog. Everyone who met you loved you. You’re the bestest good girl in the whole wide world and we were honoured to be your mummy and daddy
Harvey Two-Face, my sweet snake who defied all the odds, died this evening :(
I’m grateful he showed his resilience one last time and miraculously revived after his first apparent “death” tonight, which gave us all the opportunity to tell him we loved him, and that he was a good snake, and how strong he was to survive all those vet visits and have his babies (“he” was actually a female, we learned. It’s a long story you can explore through his tag).
I was able to take him outside to be in the sun, and to hold him.
Nick was waiting for me when I walked up. I grabbed both of his hands, leaned in close, and whispered, “Did you remember to feed the cat?” The cat had been the first thing I got for my first apartment on the first day I moved in, before I bought a bed or a set of dishes or any food for the fridge. It’s official, I thought, curled up with the cat I had named Zeke that night on the bedroom floor in…
Y’all I am not having a good night. I lost my 15 year old cat from childhood two days ago and everytime I close my eyes to try and go to sleep I just keep seeing the whole process of him being put down over and over in my mind. It’s like my mind is on a constant loop of seeing the life go out in his eyes and then seeing his limp body just laying there. I’m so glad I was able to be there for him in his last moments but this fucking sucks and I miss him so much.
Sally passed away two hours ago. Ten years is a long time for a bunny and I’m so glad I had her in my life. Thank you little lady, Im gonna miss you and I love you SO much.
