#skinny

I need a vacation from my mind and body

Everyday I say today is going to be better, that today is going to be a good day.

And

Everyday is a waste of energy, everyday is more disappointing than the last, everyday sucks more than the last

I’m hanging on by a thread and maybe just maybe, it’s time to let go.

I feel like a ghost, I’m neither dead nor alive.

I just exist in between.

In the real world I’m that girl that doesn’t eat, the girl who goes to therapy, the girl that’s falling apart.

But

On here, I fit in, I feel safe - comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, on here people feel the way I do, and I don’t feel so crazy anymore

I don’t know if I should be a comforted by this as much as I am, or if I’m even more broken than I thought.

forever standing up too fast and traveling to another dimension so hard you have to blink really fast to land back on earth.

My days lately feel so long, I exist from one day to another barely accomplishing anything.

My lack of sleep make things feel so much longer and tedious. I feel like I’m walking though sludge. My mind is a muddle.

Each day is more disappointing than the last but I don’t have the energy to die.

I’m just existing.

I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of breathing. I’m tired of surviving.

I just want to stop.

My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.

When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.

This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.

I’m told on a daily basis by multiple people how dangerous this illness is, I myself realise how deadly anorexia is BUT I can’t stop, I physically can’t stop.

It’s addictive and uncontrollable - I know that no matter what goal I hit, I’ll always lower it because it’s not enough because there’s always more to lose, always a lower number to hit.

I’m unhappy being stuck in this cycle but I’m even more miserable without it - anyone who even slightly feels this way please get help.