#spilled in poetry

I said the words I never thought I could

And the weight of the world lifted

Secrets spilled in the front seat of my car

A truth stained that could take me miles

But had up until then kept me stranded

I said the words I never thought I could

And all the fear that plagued me vanished

Secrets I kept hidden from myself

A truth now exposed for someone else

Now I drive with my windows down

I said the words I never thought I could

And I knew that the worlds; all above and below were listening

Secrets fleeting

Truth overwhelmingly seeping from windows, dripping onto chilled pavement, shining in the sun.

A vision I had always hoped to see, that I never thought I would.

All because I said the words that i never thought I could.

r.t.

When I strain my ears I can hear the faintest hint of a scream.

I do not know where it is coming from.

Whoever it is seems to be in a great deal of pain.

The sound is echoing in my ears now.

For the most part I consider myself to be a good person.

I want to help.

The screaming is getting louder now.

Reaching a crescendo until it is the only sound filling my ears.

My lips are parted and I cannot figure out why.

I do not remember opening my mouth.

There is a piercing pain radiating from my vocal chords.

For the life of me I cannot figure out why.

I can’t be the reason broken screams are reverberating off these cracked walls.

Can I?

I hope someone can hear.

- [i.r.]

[07.20.21.]

I wonder how many things humans unnecessarily destroy because they are unable to find value in listening to each other.

- [i.r.]

[07.12.21.]

Do not tell me people are incapable of changing.

When I was constantly waking and waning like the moon,

desperately hoping I could perfect myself enough to make you stay.

When I redesigned every fraction of who I was for you to love me.

And it was never going to be enough.

Did you ever think maybe I wasn’t the one who needed to change?

- [i.r.]

[07.05.21.]

There is not a single person who is born without the glimmer of light in their eyes.

Where did yours go darling?

You are far too young for your eyes to be this dark.

- [i.r.]

[07.02.21.]

There is nothing romantic about causing you to fall in love

with the beautiful filigree I wrap my trauma in.

— [i.r.]

[06.30.21.]

I am terrified that I will inadvertently condition myself to hate everything I once loved.

— [i.r.]

[06.24.21.]

I mold myself like clay.

Thumb impressions smeared across my skin from stretching myself for others.

I make myself malleable, easily adaptable.

I will craft myself into whatever you want me to be.

and I will never ask you

- [i.r.]

[06.23.21.]

I’m driving down a street I have known since childhood.

I know this road. I know the businesses that line both sides.

What I do not know is why nothing looks familiar.

I am seeing the buildings that have always been there,

Only I do not recognize them.

I know what they are, of course I know what they are.

They just no longer spark the association

in my brain that tells me this is home.

I am starting to panic now.

How can I know where I am,

without a shadow of a doubt.

Only it feels as if I do not?

— [i.r.]

[06.14.21.]

When I was suffocating in my self destructive tendencies.

With the thought of living, squeezing my throat until I struggled to breathe.

I often wondered if anyone would be affected if I made the decision to die.

I tried to convince myself that it wouldn’t matter.

That the sun would still rise,

the world would continue without me.

I thought because there are so many people in the world,

so many things happening it didn’t matter.

But it would.

I didn’t realize the ghost of my existence

would haunt the people who did care.

That the silence that would replace me would be the

loudest screams echoing in my family’s ears.

My father who I have rarely seen cry held my hand in the er

while I was getting stitches with tears silently streaming down his face.

My brother who took layers of bark off the old tree in the backyard

when I showed him the extent of the damage I did to myself yet again.

The pain in my mothers eyes when her new job became bandaging her daughter’s wounds.

That the first morning I didn’t wake up the sun would still rise,

the world would continue around me.

What I didn’t consider was for months after the lack of

my existence would resonate around my parents house.

And I finally understood.

The sun would still rise. The world would still continue.

The only thing left of my existence would be pain.

And I want to be something more.

- [i.r.]

[06.04.21.]

I breathe you in,

like that will somehow make me a part of you.

Then watch you drift away with every exhale.

- I know you want to stay

- [i.r.] // [05.31.21.]

I find a twisted pleasure in destroying myself.

How could someone like you you

ever love someone like me?

When even I struggle to love me.

- [i.r.]

[05.21.21.]

I scream-sing in my car on the highway,

knowing that my voice will drift into the chorus

of the wind and become unrecognizable.

At least this way it is my choice for my voice

to be drown out.

- [i.r.]

[05.05.21.]

You have the potential to be something beautiful,

if only you could stop being content

with destroying everything that loves you.

- [i.r.]

[05.01.21.]

Whispers in the voices of

strangers began to sound like her.

- [i.r.]

[04.29.21.]

I could have sworn I heard voices.

Now I think it was ever only yours.

- [i.r.]

[04.24.21.]

• Tw: self harm

I wrote three lines into my skin last night.

One for each year that I had convinced myself not to.

Only I did not etch this tragedy in ink or pencil.

And my emotions are seeping into my clothes again.

Staining them with more than the guilt.

I told myself I would not do this again.

Years ago I found it eerily intoxicating.

Now I find it revolting.

All of crimson ink I’ve spilt from the canvas that is my body,

Was never beautiful.

-I thought I got better

- [i.r.] // [04.22.21.]

My love,

I associate you with the color yellow.

If people had colors, that’s what I think you would be.

You are the golden hour.

Where the sun is beginning to set and bathes everything

in this stunning golden glow and people

just want to take pictures because it’s so beautiful.

You have this glow about you.

You’re radiant. And warm.

Being around you feels like when you are outside

and it is not hot but the sun is out and everything is peaceful.

You make me feel safe, you feel like home.

You would be a darker yellow, because while you

do have darkness inside you it does not

diminish how truly stunning you are.

You are a living reminder that just because something

is dark, does not mean it cannot also be radiant.

- [i.r.]

[04.18.21.]

I cared monumentally more in the beginning.

Now I’m staring at this, which should mean the world to me.

And I feel nothing.

Maybe that is what happens when you give too much of yourself away.

Your capacity to care diminishes until there is nothing left.

I chipped away pieces of myself.

And now there is nothing left of who I wanted to be.

- [i.r.]

[04.17.21.]

I tried to convince myself that I was never in love with you.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I must have been.

I fell in love with someone who was wrong for me.

That doesn’t mean we were never in love.

It just meant from the start we were never destined to stay that way.

For over two years I had this unwavering belief that the stars had aligned for us.

Maybe we were just two stars that collided for a time.

We hit too hard too fast and we burnt out.

I realize I was in love with someone who was wrong for me.

I am still trying to convince myself there is nothing wrong with that.

- [i.r.]

[04.06.21.]

• Tw: eating disorder // not pro ana

You say that I am evaporating,

that I am little more than bone and skin.

You tell me that I am your sunshine.

And I don’t know how to tell you

I want to be more like the moon.

Who gets to slowly starve herself

out of the sky and people find beauty in it.

And I don’t know how to tell you

I hate myself for this.

- [i.r.]

[04.02.21.]