#spilling light

Android in Space. I’ve finally discovered a way to break the icy exterior of my Internist… Wear awesome space leggings. First time I think I’ve seen him smile. Thanks, Jeffie! Also, my Zak Smith shirt… One of my faves.

Autumn!
It’s still unbearably warm in the sun (considering I have to dress for how cold it can get). As magical as it always is.

Even if I only get to experience a few minutes each day, that has to be something. This vine is just outside my porch, winding itself around my stairs.

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Last night I got out, and wandered around downtown. I wrecked my hip, which made today difficult (and I woke with a migraine too), but I’ve felt so apart for so long. Isolated doesn’t even cover it. I can still feel so separate from the world and I live in the very centre of the core of a city. But last night I held hands, hobbled along, gazed into high street windows long after they’d closed and watched some public art too. The early nights are coming. These are MY seasons. The cold makes me hurt, but the heat makes me sicker, so you might as well just deal with it. Somehow, the earlier nights filled with the glow of the city and I am less alone.

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Self Portrait in recovery.

| After yesterday’s feeding tube change, coming out of sedation. I had to advocate hard, as always. So it is with rare disease. The nurse and doctors did congratulate me when I tried to apologise for any terseness.

Impermanent. It’s a theme that’s been on my mind a lot recently. I used to collect a lot of feathers after breeding season. I would go out on walks specifically with that goal in mind. It’s something I haven’t been able to do for a few years. I left these ones where they fell, fighting the urge to take them home and dry them out.

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To many people this is ‘just’ a Sea Gull but there are actually many different species of gull. This one is a Glaucus Winged Gull. In North America it’s only found on the very western coast. They’re large but not anywhere near as large as the Herring Gull (which is pretty huge). Some who know a little more about birds may mistake this one for a juvenile or immature gull because of the spotting/streaking on its head but this is this species winter plumage. Like a lot of birds that are found in urban environments and learn to take advantage of what we humans have made many people also find gulls to be pests and annoying. They’re definitely confident but I really don’t see them the same way as most people. Sure, they’re clumsy and hilarious and not the sweetest of birds but they have their own special thing going and aside from their plumage, wing, beak and eye markings I also find that the different species have quite different temperaments. I suppose this is a mini rant about Sea Gulls which is quite hilarious but I think it holds some truth for how many of us see and think about what’s around us including how we think about each other and the creatures we live along side.

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My city, my neighbourhood, sharing it with my love. It makes my heart sing with calm, in such a sea of struggle.

While I started out by popping to my room to take a few snaps to mark this one year in time, it resulted in a photoshoot that lasted a couple of hours. It was good. In a way I inspired myself (as much as that word makes me cringe).

It began with me hating every photo. I realized I was trying to over-pose. That is, pose how I instructed countless beginner models to pose over the 12 years I was an {intensely busy} professional photographer and worked with so many women who had never modelled before (or modelled very little). That’s when I realized: my body is disabled. It isn’t a normal body and the techniques I taught to (often very young), fit, toned, even muscular models would just not work for this disabled body. It does not bend the same (or over bends in the wrong places), the skin drapes in ‘ugly’ ways, I am covered in wrinkles and stretchmarks, my intestines sag out due to lax abdominal muscles, my limb tissue spreads out in 'ugly’ ways for the same reasons, I am too skinny in some areas, and 'flabby’ in others.

The negative inner voice started wondering loudly if it’s even possible to tone a body with muscle, nervous system and organ failure. It told me how awful the photos were looking; how they were all photos I wouldn’t even show models of themselves were I solely behind the camera again. And that’s when I realized: what do I 'preach’ every single day on Twitter? That disabled bodies are real and numerous, that they deserve the same love and respect as any other bodies (maybe even more) and that disabled bodies are attached to people. And so I embraced it.

I changed things up. I changed my underwear, I removed my clothes. I scrunched myself up and twisted myself about, moved the camera around and took photos of this disabled body and saw the person spilling out from the wrinkly seams. I am this person. (Look at those cheeky little toes (; ).

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A spontaneous, albeit brief date night out in Chinatown tonight and I got to try out a tiny little café that specializes in créme brûlée (that I’ve been wanting to try since they opened but the gastroparesis has been too much of a problem!) - Crackle Creme is the name incase you’re in Vancouver. M always gets to have a little bit of extra food these days, which I am sure pleases him greatly ^_^

Look at those amazing macaron too! I rolled away with a couple to eat tomorrow. I bet you’d never guess which two I picked. I think I can name most of them but am stumped by the chick. They are: tuxedo sam, kerokerokerropi, minions, totoro, hello kitty, a poop emoji, a soot sprite, little twin stars and I believe that’s another totoro.

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Still life.

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