#suicide planning
3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.
This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.
I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.
I remember what I was thinking about in the shower that apparently sent Dante over the edge and freak out. I was thinking about when I should start fasting again. Last time I really started a fast was a couple days before my last overdose. So I suppose it makes sense why he’d be upset.
I think it’s time to start again.
No one believes me. So I’m just gonna slip away quietly at home. Because no one with authority seems to care.
