trustmeimadoctor:

trustmeimadoctor:

3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.

This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.

I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.

I remember what I was thinking about in the shower that apparently sent Dante over the edge and freak out. I was thinking about when I should start fasting again. Last time I really started a fast was a couple days before my last overdose. So I suppose it makes sense why he’d be upset.

All I wanna do these days is work out, walk for hours and sleep. I would be losing weight soo fast but I have to study soo freaking much and it‘s stressing me out which is holding me back from losing weight so much.

I‘ll try to study super effective now so I have more time to work out and feel less stressed about my exams cause I‘m prepared. Like that I‘ll be able to stay focused and reach my dreams. Let‘s do this

Day 2
Once I went to sleep I had a good nights sleep which was good as I have recently been waking up after 3-4 hours

Went to make juice but the infernal contraption is broken.

Have contended myself with hot water and lemon and sucking on orang segments.

Got a message saying my new juicer will arrive between 10-11 am! Thank goodness for that!!!!

Used the new juicer to make a carrot, sweet potato, kale and collard green juice. Tasted fine. This new guy works 100x better than the old bit of tat!

Lunch today was a beetroot, red cabbage, apple, ginger and celery juice. It looked like a galaxy in the juice jug and didn’t taste too bad. I also added a little lemon juice.

“Snacks today have been hot water with lemon and sometimes ginger .

Dinner. A kale, broccoli, celery, spinach, cilantro apple and lemon juice. Like eating lawnmower clippings but hey, it must be good for me!

Dessert. Fresh pineapple juice . It speaks for its self really, the best thing ever.

I have had a headache all day which I guess is also party to do with lack of coffee. Still wanting food but I feel some what more hopeful that it will get better.

I will endeavour to actually take picture of the juices I drink tomorrow as I honestly could not me bothered today haha

Whyyy Do I Do This

Person: Are you ok? Like, I know you like to lose weight n stuff but your cheek bones are becoming really prominent again

Me: Yes~ I’m fine, it’s just the way the suns hitting at this angle, trust me, I’m fine.

Person: Ohhh alright

Also me, lower weight than ever:

sometimes I just wished I lived alone and had no friends or social obligations or people near me

so I could just. plan. my. diet. perfectly.

and starve myself to death

well I’m fucked.

I lost 4 kg and I’m officially at my lowest weight, but now I have 7 days of a trekking camp where not only I can’t count kcals (I don’t prepare meals) but I can’t even fast/restrict/purge because I’ll be constantly with people and checked during the meals

I feel horrible and I don’t wanna gain weight again after all that I went through to reach the point where I’m now.

my only hope is to burn most of the stuff I eat. I’m so anxious

My mental health is declining so I might as well

Daily log -09/07/21

Breakfast: 80 grams of low-fat cheese

Lunch: grilled flounder fillet

Dinner: fasting (for 16 hours, started at 4PM)

Water track: 5 glasses

Exercise: walking (around 10,062 steps)

Total cal:380

Burned:523

Not gonna lie this was a tough one.

So today is my second to last day of cleansing and I am feeling really good, probably because I know that the end is near. Its funny because I’m just really looking forward to all of the things I usually take for granted like having a nice meal and sipping a glass of wine.

I’m a little concerned that after doing this I might go food crazy, so I’m going to stick with my original plan of eating vegetarian for a few days after, and then just go from there. I’m probably also feeling awesome because I know that after the total 11 days are completed, I’m that much closer to going to Vegas to see Derric! He’s in a tournament right now, hopefully kicking some ass. It’s been pretty lonely without him here, but there is no way I could have ever attempted this detox if he were. Anyway, the days can’t pass quickly enough it seems, especially when you are not eating.  

Yesterday I awoke in a haze. My birthday had been a few nights before and I had spent most of my “raw foods” lead in day hungover. I already failed myself by caving to go get ramen in the morning instead of eating a salad. Oh well, that ramen was delicious and now I remember it as my last meal before jumping off the ledge. I was good the rest of the day, but my dog kept me up all night with his ridiculous poop needs. These are the times I really miss Derric because getting out of bed 4 times a night to let the dog out is akin to torture. Anyway, after a horrible night’s sleep, I woke up and realized that I would not be making breakfast as usual. I had to produce a bland vegetable soup instead.

It was my first day off from work in 9 days and I had made plans to meet up with some friends at the beach. I drank my soup broth, packed a Suja juice and headed toward the ocean. The beach was nice and it was a warm day so my friend and I decided to go get fruit smoothies. After that, she had to go to work so went back home. On the ride home, I was feeling a little anxious and began to develop a headache. “What am I going to do with myself tonight? No beer, no dinner… I’m not going to be eating real food for over a week!” The thoughts started to attack me, but I tried to ignore them. I found myself passing time by working on a few things in photoshop and suddenly, it was 9pm. I heated up some more broth, thankful to have something other than fruit juice to sustain me for a little while longer. I drank my broth and watched Masterchef (a poor choice). After a few more shows, I made myself my first cup of Smooth Move laxative tea. My head was still hurting, but I got into bed and read a few chapters from “And the Mountains Echoed” before attempting to go to sleep.

My stomach was hurting pretty badly as I hadn’t had anything to “eat” in a while and the laxative tea wasn’t helping. Eventually I fell asleep and wouldn’t you know it, the damn dog decides its time to go out right as I start to doze. I take him out, get back in bed and fall into a light sleep until about 7am.

I came out of my dreamland and realized that today was the big day. My headache had diminished a little, but I couldn’t fall back asleep due to the excitement (anxiety) and I knew that I needed to do that salt water flush thing before my body starting aching for sustenance. I was a little concerned with how I would react since I had never tried it before. It sucked having to drink a full liter of salt water, but it wasn’t as bad as everyone says it is. It tastes unpleasant yes, but it’s way easier to chug than beer. I started having the urge to “go” after about 15 minutes and it was on and off for about 2 hours. I made my lemonade after the first time I hit up the bathroom and began to drink it to sooth my hungry tummy. I decided to watch Hell’s Kitchen in bed (another poor choice) and eventually I fell back to sleep.

I woke up around noon feeling well rested, but a little uneasy. I made some more lemonade and debated what I was going to do with my day off. Nothing seemed appealing, but I figured it was just the fact that there would be no delicious food to look forward to that was making me feel unmotivated. I got on my computer and did my favorite thing ever, which is to plan out my life on google calendar. I decided that I should walk the dog and go to the store to pick up a few items. After I took a shower and started getting ready, the dull, hazy feeling sort of dissipated and I felt a lot more energized. I went to the store and the bank and came back home around 4:30pm. I finished my third serving of lemonade and had to make more.

It’s now 5:45pm and I have been sitting here recounting things for about 45 minutes. I am a few gulps into my fourth serving for the day and I am thinking that on days like today where I am not being super active, I probably will only drink about 6-7 servings. I am sort of dreading being done with this post because then I have to go find something else to do to take my mind off of the next few days… Unfortunately, I have been scheduled to work back-to-back double shifts this weekend and there is also a staff meeting at 9am tomorrow morning (which totally blows and ruins my SWF schedule). I’m hoping that I will be fine. I think I will just bring more lemonade. Yup, more lemonade. 5:53pm. I guess I’ll go paint my toenails or something.

Note this to give me good luck for my first ever 24 hour fast

For so long I’ve tried but I always fail at night. I never binge but I still eat which is failing. So PLEASE note.

day 4: felt so drained today, woke up at 6 cause i had a class at 8 and then my first meal was at 1 and testerday i had dinner around 8pm, so that means i technically did a 17 hour fast¿?¿

wow i didn’t know it was that long until now and ngl i feel pretty great about that. haven’t done a fast in ages, let alone one that lasted that long

oh ya and today was the first time that i had a single-serve meal and i was full after it!! like full to the point that when i was asked if i wanted seconds i said no right away!! like usually i would say yes, then realize taht i shouldn’t and then decline later. but today’s reaction was so quick i felt so good!!!

so today was a very good day

1 year ago (128lbs) vs now (111lbs)

I have a problem…

So I stopped exercising, restricting and purging for quite a while now. This past week has been really shitty and I’m kinda having a relapse and I’m kinda sorta very disgusting. I’m still the same weight as when I stopped all my bad behaviour, but I’ve gotten a lot bigger due to muscles shrinking and more fat taking over my body. I started fasting, exercising and writing in my journal and stuff and I hope to continue to do so in the future.

Right now I’m looking for effective exercises, foods, tips and tricks to melt all of this fat off fast. If you could leave a note it would be greatly appreciated :)