#self aware

Not sure if I should get rid of the title “Goodbye Dante”. I mean it’s not like he’s completely dormant anymore but he’s not fully present either. I think I’ll wait just to make sure he isn’t just a symptom of psychosis. Since he’s been back I’ve been hallucinating just a little so… We’ll see.

Last night, or early this morning, Dante made me cry out of my right eye… only. It was weird. I felt my eyes and made sure I wasn’t having an allergic reaction to figure out if what was happening was really happening. It started because, again, he’s freaking out about suicide. I told him that it’s the right thing to do. I apologized and said, “I’m sorry I’m just lost. No… I’m not lost. I know exactly where we need to go.” Then tears started streaming out of my right eye. The reason why this is significant is because Dante resides behind my (our?) right eye. When he’s not dormant that is. Also, yesterday morning I felt like I was being pushed from that side over to the left. Just gently. Not aggressively or anything. When the fragments are awake I reside only behind our (my?) left eye. I assure you these aren’t just some crazy ramblings of a mad man… I’m pretty sure anyway.

trustmeimadoctor:

trustmeimadoctor:

3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.

This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.

I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.

I remember what I was thinking about in the shower that apparently sent Dante over the edge and freak out. I was thinking about when I should start fasting again. Last time I really started a fast was a couple days before my last overdose. So I suppose it makes sense why he’d be upset.

trustmeimadoctor:

3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.

This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.

I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.

3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.

This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.

The right way to be introspective (yes, there’s a wrong way)

“So when it comes to developing internal self-awareness, I like to use a simple tool that I call What Not Why. Why questions can draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future. In addition to helping us gain insight, asking what instead of why can be used to help us better understand and manage our emotions.”

My soul felt this as I was reading it. It is exactly how I feel deeply about life right now. I don’t wish it on no one.

Ana ♿

Being the “Black Sheep” in the family, this reminds me so much of my family. I’ve been dealing with colorism in my family for some time. Why is that?! I wish I knew the answer. What I do know is that even though they talk hella shit about me, they secretly want my life. How is it that you can bully me, criticize me, body shame and bash me, yet get upset when I choose not to spend time with you?! Please tell me, how does that make any sense!? Our families, I’ve learned that they can be our first bullies in our lives. And when you point it out to them, to them it is “tough love”. That’s not tough love. Let’s be real about what it truly is! It is manipulation, narcissism, jealousy, insecurity and straight out hate that people project onto you because they aren’t happy. I’ve been reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The second agreement is to not take things personally because the person who is doing all the negative things is projecting their true feelings towards you. I let what someone says go into one ear and out the other a lot. I refuse to get myself hurt because of others actions, words and energy. Their pain has nothing to do with me. I love my family but I can admit I don’t like a lot of them. I set healthy and safe boundaries to protect myself. I don’t know who this may resonate with. I hope you know that you are great the way you are. Just because your family may treat you in a certain manner, doesn’t mean you are suppose to be ok with it. Set boundaries and if that me separating yourself for a while, then please do so! Please know that You Matter! Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

My life feels very heavy as we speak. I just went through a hyper mania episode about a week ago. I now feel the blows of depression and anxiety hit me now. I feel horrible once I realize what I have done during the time of being in the hyper mania state. With my health constantly changing, it totally can affect the brain and mental health. I’m still having issues with my feeding tube, which is beyond my control. I wanna control everything. It isn’t place to do so. I know it is dark right now, but I hope to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel really soon. Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

Mood

Ana ♿

I feel so alone when it comes to having EDS. I miss my old life so much. I truly want to be happy again. I’m working hard to figure out what makes me happy as well as how to be happy again. It is a feeling that is foreign to me right now. I honestly can’t recall the last time I have felt truly and pure happiness! I wonder will I ever get that feeling again… The not so great days, fucks with my mental health a lot. My body is doing things that are beyond my control. I just wish for one day of no pain and just a day of pure bliss… I long for it actually. Chasing a feeling that I would do whatever to feel again… Hopefully one day, happiness will find me again. Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

I so resonate with this mantra right now! I’ve been cutting some cords for some time. I know that by doing so, is my form of healing from the past and those past influences in my life. I never regret, yet I never forget the lessons I’ve learned from that time in my life! So I release everything and everyone who doesn’t deserve me nor my energy.

Ana ♿

mindfulawareness:

We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.

Swami Vivekananda