#survivors guilt
https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748730/chapters/66710044
Prompt: Broken Hearts, Grief, Mourning Loved One, Survivor’s Guilt
Fandom/OC: Original Work
TW: swearing, death mention, child abuse mention, alcohol
What’s My Stage Again: Guilt Gone Wild
http://amysmartgirls.com/whats-my-stage-again-guilt-gone-wild/
Post link
DAY 20 - SURVIVORS GUILT
“Don’t worry Mom and Dad, I’ll make you guys proud…!”
aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH IM SO FUCKIN SADDDDDD
Angstober prompts by @birdiiielle (curse you angst lord :’^0 )
Post link
Part of Akihika Reboot [3] | song choice: Fix You - Coldplay
It was after Hikaru won his Honinbou title that he decided to tell Akira everything. Akira had helped him through the two years it took for him to get through all the matches, helping him train, watching his Go, sharpening his mentality, and most importantly of all, always being there for him. Hikaru saw his patience, and when the time came right, thought that it was only fair for Akira to know. So when Akira asked him what he wanted to do for the celebration, he asked of only one thing: for Akira to take a day off to spend with him.
He gave Akira his grandfather’s house address and told him to go there. Akira didn’t know what to expect. He was received by Hikaru’s grandfather, who made a big fuss and practically begged for an autograph when he found out who Akira was.
“Why do you want his autograph?” Hikaru grumbled. “You haven’t even asked for mine and I’m Honinbou now!”
“I know how bad your handwriting is; I don’t want your autograph.” His grandfather said while admiring the perfectly signed calligraphic signature Akira handed back to him.
“Oh, whatever! Come on, Touya, let’s go!” Hikaru grabbed Akira by his wrist and pulled him away, much to his grandfather’s dismay, towards the storage house. They climbed up silently into the dusty attic. The summer light filtering in shone on the Go board that sat there quietly.
“It all started here.” Hikaru said as he wiped the dust off the Go board. He touched the surface of the board, tracing the engraved dark lines, over the spot where there used to be a stain. Akira remained quiet. He had a feeling that it was going to be a long story, and all he could do today was just listen.
And so Hikaru traced, from the moment he met Sai up here, until the time he first met Touya. It sounded unbelievable; ghost stories never struck Akira as anything more than fiction, but the way Hikaru was explaining everything - he was so serious, and so detailed in his recounting, that Akira couldn’t help but believe it. They left Hikaru’s grandfather’s house and took a train to Hiroshima. They got to Innoshima a couple hours after lunch time. Hikaru brought Akira to the Shuusaku grave up on the hill, and there he stood, looking over the sea and rows of green islands, speaking about his journey chasing after Touya with Sai. He spoke for hours, talking of Sai’s past, his link to Torajirou. He described the Go games he played with Sai to get stronger, to pass the pro exam, to get closer to Akira. Then he talked of the game Sai played against Touya-sensei, and of Sai’s fears. He revealed his own insensitivity, and his foolishness, towards the possibility of Sai’s disappearance. He was naïve, far too naïve. The day Sai disappeared was quite similar to this day, a warm and sunny day, with a comfortable breeze blowing through the blue skies.
“All I ever wanted…” Hikaru started, then his voice choked, because the guilt was overwhelming. “I wanted you to look at me. That was all I wanted. For your eyes to look at me, and not at Sai. But I didn’t understand that it meant…” He gritted his teeth, and, try as he might, he could not hold in his tears.
“Shindou…” Akira said softly, placing one hand on Hikaru’s shoulder and holding his hand with the other. Hikaru gripped his hand tightly, painfully. Akira could feel his pain through their connected hands.
“It was my fault. The moment you start looking at me meant that he had no place to go. He didn’t exist in flesh and bone; the only way he could exist was through me, and I shut him out because I wanted your eyes on me.” Hikaru said, his face seized by anguish. This never gets easier. Not even with time. “I’m responsible for his disappearance. I’m the one who erased him.”
“…Is that why you stopped playing?”
“…Yeah.” Hikaru took a deep breath. He loosened his grip on Akira’s hand, having left a red mark. “I thought that if I stopped playing and let him play, he would come back. I was still too naive. I didn’t understand a thing.” Now he looked forward, his eyes growing sharp and focused. “I thought that my Go was nothing compared to his, so I should never have wanted you. I should never have tried to chase you. I thought if I gave it all up, I could turn back time and make him come back. Or rather, even if he didn’t come back, I thought that I still wasn’t worthy enough to play Go. I didn’t realize that I was his last link to this world.”
Akira listened on. He remembered that time when, after missing a number of his matches, Hikaru finally suddenly showed up at the Go Institute.
“It was Isumi-san.” Hikaru said, a bittersweet smile on his face as he looked gently at Akira. “He came back from China, and he searched all the way to my house. He didn’t give up on his Go, not even after he’d failed the exam. He made me play against him, because of the match we had at the pro exam that we never got to finish. When I was playing him… That’s when I saw him again. Sai. I saw his hand appearing from behind me, as though he was telling me where to play again. That’s when I realized the only chance I had of seeing him again was to keep playing Go.”
They fell into a long contemplative silence, Akira trying to digest the story and Hikaru remembering what it felt like when he figured that out.
“What was he like?” Finally Akira asked. “What kind of person was he?”
Hikaru looked at Akira’s inquisitive eyes, a little surprised. Then he smiled once again. “He was kind. And he was pure. He was silly, and funny. He loved Go and it was his life. He would get excited over all kinds of things, at our new technologies, stuff they didn’t have back in Heian and Edo Periods.” Hikaru giggled, recalling some fond memories. “He was always wearing his thick robe, and the tall hat too. He had gentle eyes, and a head of long, beautiful black hair.” As he said this, Hikaru raised his hand and took a lock or two of Akira’s hair in between his fingers. His eyes were full of fondness. “Hm, yeah, just like yours. But his was way longer, all the way down to his knees.”
“…” Akira was quiet. He could feel his own heartbeat growing faster. Hikaru touched his face gently, and they kissed softly. “Shindou…”
Hikaru placed his forehead against Akira’s and closed his eyes. It’s been a long day, a day full of remembrance. He felt tired, his mind exhausted. They stayed that way for a little while, neither of them saying a word. Then as the sun set, they made their way to the hotel they booked. Even though the room had two beds, Hikaru went over and slept in the same bed with Akira, because he didn’t want to be alone.
“…Shindou.” Akira said, staring up at the ceiling, thinking. Hikaru looked up at Akira’s eyes that shone barely visibly under the low moonlight. He was surrounded by Akira’s arms in an embrace.
“Hm?”
“It’s not your fault.” Akira continued. Hikaru gasped ever so slightly. “Sai’s disappearance… is not your fault. If you could have a chance to do it all over again, I hope you’d still do the same and come after me. I…” He hesitated, not sure what he was trying to say. “I don’t know if I am the answer or not. But quitting Go definitely isn’t. And… you haven’t erased Sai. You are still alive.” He put one of his hands on Hikaru’s chest, over his beating heart. “Your heart is still beating here, now. Sai lives inside you. He lives in your heart, and in your Go.” Akira said with determination. “But do not forget that you are Shindou Hikaru. You are still yourself, the man who contains Sai. You are who I’ve set my sights on since the beginning. So… take pride in being yourself.”
Hikaru felt his chest tighten painfully. He buried his face into the nape of Akira’s neck, his hands tightening their grip on his shirt. Akira answered, holding Hikaru closer, feeling wet tears falling onto his shoulder. He soothed Hikaru, running his hand along his back, until the latter fell asleep, tired from crying. And then Akira slowly drifted asleep himself, feeling grateful that Hikaru didn’t give up Go, that he chose to stay, and he had Sai to thank for that.
On days like these, Sensei lets him cry. He doesn’t complain about the sheets getting dirty, doesn’t tell him to stop, doesn’t even say anything. He just lets him cry.
My theory is that Genos witnessed his own parents go before his eyes; it puts the almost obsessive anger during his battles into perspective, especially when the prospect of the battle isn’t in his favor. It’s like he refuses to accept that he could lose, because it means reliving the trauma of losing his loved ones and not being able to do anything to save them. I could see him imagining, every time he fights an opponent stronger than him, that it’s the Mad Cyborg again and he’s trying to overcome that sense of helplessness. It’s a fear that holds him back.
On another note, Genos and Saitama are perfect for each other because when something like this happens, if it’d been anyone else they’d be dead (Dr. Kuseno having some other mechanical way to stop Genos). But when it’s Saitama BECAUSE he’s Saitama, he can take it. He’s the only one who can take Genos for everything that he is and accept it (“with open arms”? Don’t take my word for it). It seems hardly a coincidence that when they meet for the first time Genos was about to commit suicide and Saitama was the one who saved him.
I took some liberty with the circumstances of his parents’ death (hence it’s just a dream); I was reexamining ONE’s decision to write that it happened when Genos was 15, which in Japan’s education system (assuming OPM universe is based on Japan) is the age you graduate junior high and enter senior high school. The idea that you could lose everything dear to you on your graduation day when you’re supposed to be happy and leaving good memories is… well it’ll be exactly the kind of sob story ONE would parody, except it’s not just a sob story, because it’s the entire reason these two even met. Genos literally might never have crossed paths with Saitama if not for what’s happened to him.
/this was a herculean effort/drawing comics by yourself is not fun/just a hobby/a serious hobby
Post link
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!
21 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A SURVIVOR OF ABUSE/ S.A. !!!
https://www.asafeport.org/programs/direct-services/what-not-to-say-to-a-victim-of-sexual-assault/
Fair Haven - What Not to Say to a Victim of Sexual Assault
Please share!! By survivors for survivors is the MOST valid and best type of resource for anything sexual assault/abuse/trauma related.
LIFE IS ALREADY DIFFICULT ENOUGH FOR US AS SURVIVORS OF ABUSE AND ASSAULT. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS PEOPLE WHO ARE PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO PREY ON OUR WEAKNESSES OR MAKE US FEEL LIKE IT WAS DESERVED BECAUSE IT WAS 100% NOT. THE OPINIONS OF THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT MATTER. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH, YOU KNOW YOURSELF. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO ANYBODY. PEOPLE WHO WOULD EVEN THINK TO PUT YOU DOWN BECAUSE OF YOUR TRAUMA OR PURPOSEFULLY ENXOURAGE IT HAPPENING AGAIN ARE HORRIBLY SICK AND HAVE THEIR OWN VERY EXTENSUVE ISSUES AND HEALING TO DO, THEIR HATE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR THE VALIDITY OF YOUR TRAUMA. YOU ARE 100% VALID. YOU KNOW YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW HOW REAL IT IS. YOU KNOW THAT THEY COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND. YOU ARE SO STRONG.
ASAFEPORT.ORG
…..Survivor’s Gilt. defeated warriors who make it back home are decorated with molten gold poured in intricate patterns across their skin that detail the defeat and the fallen. the burns fade with time, but the cold weight of the metal in their skin is a permanent reminder of what - and who - they lost
— Patricia Kirkpatrick,Survivor’s Guilt
