Forgiveness is not a necessary requirement for healing and moving on. Reconnecting with someone who traumatized you doesn’t mean you will recover from the trauma itself. You can exist far away from them and be fine, if that is your choice. You don’t need to keep the door open for them to come back into your life if you don’t want them to. If you don’t desire or believe in reconciliation between you and your abuser, then this is the way it should be and no one should force you to otherwise. It is not for other people to decide on your healing, on who you forgive and who you reconcile with. Your connection to yourself and to your recovery is far more important than the connection you’ve had with your abuser.
Reminder: the vast majority of abusers would not label themselves abusers. They would not label most (or any) of their actions as abusive. Not out loud, not even in their own minds.
The vast majority of abusers would adamantly deny it if you told them their actions are abusive. They’d fire back with a thousand reasons why their behaviour is perfectly normal and justified, why it’s your fault you feel hurt, and why you accusing them of being abusive is selfish or insane.
That doesn’t make their abuse any less real. It doesn’t make you any less of a victim or survivor.
Hey everybody today we are going to address 6 misconceptions about post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. I have been doing my best to talk more about PTSD and the effects of it because my new book Traumatized is available for preorder now and it comes out Sept 7th! It’s my hope that by talking more about trauma, we reduce the stigma associated with it, and those struggling will more quickly reach out for professional help. Because it can and will get better! Now I’m touching on these misconceptions top-level, but to understand this deeper and really find solutions, I strongly recommend doing your own research on this topic. I break trauma down a lot deeper in my new book. Okay, now let’s jump into those misconceptions.
I’d love to say that after he got arrested, everything was okay. That he finally left me alone, and that I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. But even from jail he continued to contact me. I told him to stop calling me but he tried to make me feel guilty for turning my back on him while he was locked up.
One day he called me and said he needed me to write a job letter for him for court, stating that he worked for my company so that it would seem like he had a legitimate occupation. I still felt afraid of him, and I didn’t know what he would do if I didn’t help him. Regardless, I told him that I didn’t know if I felt comfortable writing the letter. He began cussing at me, so I hung up on him. He called back and when I didn’t answer I received a furious voicemail from him saying, “Yo, answer the phone.” I kept it as a reminder of how he would speak to me, in case I ever felt too dangerous an amount of compassion for him.
I phoned a lawyer I knew and told him the story of what had happened, how he’d treated me during our time together and that he was in jail now, asking me to write him a job letter. I asked him for his advice because I didn’t know what I should do and I didn’t know how writing a job letter for him, which would involve me lying to the courts and saying that he worked for me, would affect me or my company.
My lawyer friend kept his response simple. “Tell me one thing,” he said. “Why would you do this for him?”
I couldn’t think of an answer.
So I didn’t write the letter.
This wasn’t about me vengefully leaving him to rot in jail. It was about me no longer making his problems my problems and no longer allowing him to bully me into doing things for him.
⚠ Trigger warning: This episode covers topics about domestic violence and my personal experience with abuse. You don’t want to miss this seasons finale. Talking about traumas is difficult but necessary in the healing process. Hopefully my personal experiences will help someone who may be going through something similar.
I found out my ex listens to my podcast so it made recording this episode very difficult and I had been putting it off for so long..
flareups with trauma symptoms may not always immediately make sense to you, but it’s important to still treat take care of yourself even if it feels silly. if you’re feeling upset, you’re feeling upset. rationalization is not required for you to earn feeling safe.
✨ take care of yourself! Your feelings don’t always make sense & that’s okay ✨
Hello thanks for taking time to read my post. I need a little help I’m recently getting evicted. I’m trying to come up with the money. I’ve been going through some struggles of getting out an abusive relationship, losing my car. I have no family where I live. My mom was my only support and she has passed over 2 Years ago. I tired to get back in school to better myself for me and my 6 year old boy. Life keeps hitting me . My health is declining from my diabetes I recently got diagnosed with high blood pressure and lymphedema. So it’s been a struggle trying to work and keep up with everything. I hate to even ask but a small donation would be very helpful and appreciated. I just need to keep the roof over me and my son. Understandable if a donation couldn’t be made I will appreciate a reblog please and thanks so much ❤️
Hello thanks for taking time to read my post. I need a little help I’m recently getting evicted. I’m trying to come up with the money. I’ve been going through some struggles of getting out an abusive relationship, losing my car. I have no family where I live. My mom was my only support and she has passed over 2 Years ago. I tired to get back in school to better myself for me and my 6 year old boy. Life keeps hitting me . My health is declining from my diabetes I recently got diagnosed with high blood pressure and lymphedema. So it’s been a struggle trying to work and keep up with everything. I hate to even ask but a small donation would be very helpful and appreciated. I just need to keep the roof over me and my son. Understandable if a donation couldn’t be made I will appreciate a reblog please and thanks so much ❤️
I want to pass on one of the most powerful things I’ve heard in abuse recovery circles.
One of the most common tactics of abuse is what I like to call the “abuser UNO reverse card”. As soon as you accuse them of abuse once, and sometimes before that, theywill accuse youof abuse. I need to emphasize that this isacommon abuser move and they use it because it works. It’s probably been making you feel like shit for a while, and I’m here to tell you you’re not alone. You are not an abuser even if you’ve:
“Ruined your abuser’s reputation” by being vocal about your abuse
Expressed that you don’t love your abuser
Insulted your abuser
Yelled or cursed at your abuser
Fought back physically against your abuser (even hitting first)
Ignored your abuser’s threats to harm themselves if you do something they don’t want/don’t do something they want
Developed anger issues, a PD, or other stigmatized trauma responses as a result of abuse
You don’t have to take their shit. You’re not a monster, you’re not evil. If you hurt them or ruined their life, it’s because they fucking deserved it for treating you the way they did. And because I’m a victim of solely verbal/psychological abuse, I want to emphasize that this is true even if your abuser never hit you. The damage they did was real, and they deserve consequences as a result. You’re not mean for wanting justice, and even if you were, you have a right to be mean after what happened to you.
[image ID: a banner with a cloudy sky background that says on the first line “this post is about trauma, please don’t derail or traumadump” and on the second like “‘personality disorder abuse’ truthers dni]
Please share!! By survivors for survivors is the MOST valid and best type of resource for anything sexual assault/abuse/trauma related.
LIFE IS ALREADY DIFFICULT ENOUGH FOR US AS SURVIVORS OF ABUSE AND ASSAULT. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS PEOPLE WHO ARE PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO PREY ON OUR WEAKNESSES OR MAKE US FEEL LIKE IT WAS DESERVED BECAUSE IT WAS 100% NOT. THE OPINIONS OF THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT MATTER. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH, YOU KNOW YOURSELF. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF TO ANYBODY. PEOPLE WHO WOULD EVEN THINK TO PUT YOU DOWN BECAUSE OF YOUR TRAUMA OR PURPOSEFULLY ENXOURAGE IT HAPPENING AGAIN ARE HORRIBLY SICK AND HAVE THEIR OWN VERY EXTENSUVE ISSUES AND HEALING TO DO, THEIR HATE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR THE VALIDITY OF YOUR TRAUMA. YOU ARE 100% VALID. YOU KNOW YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW HOW REAL IT IS. YOU KNOW THAT THEY COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND. YOU ARE SO STRONG.
Some people are incapable of loving but you don’t need to worry about anyone but you. You can still choose love and kindness and goodness every day of your life regardless of the hate in someone else’s heart and the ways they have tried to project that hate onto you.
Today, I see the ones who were abandoned, neglected, & abused by the very men who were supposed to protect, love & be there for them.
I see the ones with a lasting place in their hearts that never seems to be filled. I see the ones who joke about “daddy issues” with friends only to cry on the floor once they are alone. I see the ones who don’t know who to or how to ask for help, the ones who go it alone because there seems to be no other way. I see the ones who are so hurt that they can only think to lash out, and the ones who lash inward instead. I SEE you.
I see you, and you are not alone, and I PROMISE you that not all people will hurt you the way he did. I promise you that even though Father’s Day is incredibly painful, life as whole will feel better someday. And in the meantime, you are not alone. I am here. I promise.
