Feeling

I haven’t self harm in a few years and that good and great but I still struggle with it and I hate it when something bad happens or I mess up the first thing I think about is bringing my self pain I feel like I deserve it for messing up. When I took a step and said I was gonna stop I thought the temptation was going to go away at some point ya know? I hate that I’m still dealing with this it makes it harder and harder every time I really just want to give in I really want to just feel something.. I’m really tired of of just being numb all day I’m so lonely and I really miss feeling something 

I could - and often

want to - do things which are fluffier, but in my head lurks this bizarre fear that disaster would befall me if I wrote such things.

This despite what fluff I have written (typically for my secret, shameful fanfiction) being warmly received.

What a contrary animal is man.

I finished

‘Capitalism and Slavery’, now onto reading this copy of 'The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ’ that I found on wall in town. Just for a change of pace.

Never really got along with Phillip Pullman do we’ll see how it goes. Tried to read The Northern Lights a couple times but always given up.

I genuinely

have no idea how people stay interested in their own plots enough to ever finish anything.

This isn’t a “Oh, are there hints or tips on staying motivated?” kind of thing, this is genuine incomprehension on my part. This is me staring at something and lacking the capacity to ever grasp what it is I’m looking at.

There is a void inside me.

that while I heartily advocate extreme and unending confidence for anyone and everyone writing and a healthy disregard for all criticism, I myself have an incredibly thin skin when it comes to that sort of thing and often wish to reach through the screen and throttle people.

More specifically, there are some specific types of specific criticism that always have me pissing blood. I shall now summarize and mock them in a mean spirited fashion.

Ahem.

1. The Haynes Manual aka “It’s ridiculous to assert that such a material could withstand that impact because it would actually be too weak and I think you’ll find that it’s actually only point five millimetres thick and according to my calculations the numbers are actually-”

(That is to say, people who’d probably be happier wanking over a spreadsheet than reading a story. However you get your kicks, son. There’s internal consistency and then there’s being a massive fucking pedant.)

2. The Blissfully Ignorant aka “I skimmed the words and skipped most of the chapter and especially the bit where they all went downstairs so why are they all downstairs now? This story makes no sense!”

(If you only read the first and last letter of every third sentence, you might get a bit confused, it’s true. Maybe try reading the whole thing? See that bit where it says they did a thing? That means they did the thing.)

3. The Failure of Empathetic Imagination aka “I wouldn’t act like this ergo no character would ever act like this ergo this is wholly unrealistic and badly written.”

(Have you ever met anyone, ever? Have you ever looked outside?)

4. The Meliocentric Model aka “This story wasn’t written top to bottom with me personally in mind and this offends me.”

(There will come a time when you will have to judge something on its own merits, not by how well it meets your own personal standards - not everything is trying to tick your boxes.)

5. The Eyes Downwards aka “I don’t get it. What does that mean? What’s this bit mean? Explain it to me. Slowly. With bullet points. In fact, just write out the conclusion, please. Preferably in one word.”

(Do you know what a ‘story’ is?)

I’m very mean spirited, I know, but these really get under my skin.

the problem with fudgy, fancy-free fantasy fluff - or at least my problem - is that in order for your daring hero to fight evil you need some evil to fight, and what is that?

Like, you know, what is evil? Who is evil?

Because they’re going to need to cut through some goons (heroically) and having any particular level of moral complexity involved makes that a little bit awkward. Like, why are we fighting? Do we have to fight? Why can’t we be working together? Co-operation is better than conflict and all that.

So we think maybe there’s an evil wizard or something, sure, that’ll work. His motivation is that he’s just not very nice, fine. He can’t be brought around and he’s done enough to have crossed the line, fine.

But, like, does he employ people? Are they operating under duress? Are they enslaved somehow? Perhaps magically? Do they have their own understandable reasons for throwing in their lot with this guy? Were their concerns ignored except by him? You know?

These sorts of questions sit in the back of my brain and make just casually mowing through henchman troubling, not cathartic.

Like remember how in the new Star Wars films went out of their way to make sure you knew that the Stormtroopers were all kidnapped children who’d been indoctrinated? So, you know, child soldiers, basically? And victims? And one of the characters was just such a victim and got out after realising what he was meant to be doing for the bad guys? And then the films just gleefully kept on chewing through them without a care in the world?

It was a bit weird.

So maybe just have, uh, robots or something. Not thinking robots either, obviously, the soulless kind without personality. Or the undead. Or basically anything without any obvious agency. 

Because your choices are either “The minions are all, to a man, horrible people who deserve to die which makes you wonder how the bad guy found all these people”, “The minions are all automatons with no thoughts or feelings and are basically just aggressive mannequins” or “The minions all have their own reasons for throwing in with the bad guy and a few of those reasons are pretty understandable and it’s just a damn shame it’s come down to this” and the last one has meat, but sometimes you don’t want meat you just want to enjoy the Good Guy doing the Right Thing.

Wait, that sounds very dubious.

What was I talking about again?

and as I dozed I daydreamed.

And because before I’d been dozing I’d been idly glancing at an old issue of White Dwarf and an article in it about dragons, I daydreamed about dragons.

And specifically I daydreamed about a big, strapping, fully-armoured princess (I have weaknesses) and her dragon buddy flapping about some comfortingly stereotypical and predictable fantasy realm, boisterously getting into scrapes and charming the pants of other princesses and princes and basically everyone she happened to meet.

And I imagined there might be, uh, some wizards? Sure, why not. Maybe another kingdom known for its tall towers and profusion of wizards? And maybe there’s a wizard prince? And they become friends despite her aversion to anything that isn’t beating up some ne’er do well or slaying some sort of beastie?

And maybe the elves like to make wine…

And then my child woke up from their nap, and I had to get back to being fully conscious, and the daydream was lost.

But some scraps remain…

Mostly

I’m unable to settle on any one idea and sink my teeth into kt and I’m exhausted anywau, hence trawling through my disgusting, cavernous archives for random tidbits. It’s easier.

PS It amuses me no end that the formatting on the quotes gets annihilated when they’re reblogged. Oh Tumblr!

burn-the-bridge:

Feeling

I haven’t self harm in a few years and that good and great but I still struggle with it and I hate it when something bad happens or I mess up the first thing I think about is bringing my self pain I feel like I deserve it for messing up. When I took a step and said I was gonna stop I thought the temptation was going to go away at some point ya know? I hate that I’m still dealing with this it makes it harder and harder every time I really just want to give in I really want to just feel something.. I’m really tired of of just being numb all day I’m so lonely and I really miss feeling something 

me, dissecting Yaku’s given name comment from Furudate:

cestcirque:

Not to spoil Fukurodani’snotes from sensei but my 2020 characterization of Akaashi is still batting a thousand

Now that the post is out! More on ツッコミ “tsukkomi,” the word that was used for Akaashi

The comment said, “At first I thought he would play the role of Bokuto’s tsukkomi, but it turns out he needs a tsukkomi himself.”

Sans the comedy aspect, I MUST now put this relationship dynamic in the context of Aperture / The Cardinal Set…

…bc I hit exactly what Akaashi needed in a partner and in life over a year ago

Aperture Y/N = full-on tsukkomi (but actually far too brutal when it comes down to it)

Screentone Y/N = not-at-all tsukkomi (high-functioning idiot who perpetuates instead of stabilizes)

Trompe-l’œil Y/N = tsukkomi who actually cares / needs a tsukkomi herself (they are for each other what Akaashi is for Bokuto)

aaaand just for good measure, Akaashi’s GC is called “Babysitting Hours” but… throughout the story, who was really babysitting whom?

Not to spoil Fukurodani’snotes from sensei but my 2020 characterization of Akaashi is still batting a thousand

Since there are so many of you joining us for guidebook translations, PSA that the ✨HQ Siblings✨ are also a guidebook translation

(i.e. YES siblings are CANON!!!)

But I’m still trying to see if there’s a way this Stripe can be connected to my bank account. I still feel like I need to download an app or something but not sure which Stripe app would connect with Tumblr & bank account

Does anyone else plan out conversations in their head so much that they plan the exact moment where they are going to have a breakdown?

Or should I get therapy?

Or both.

thank you for so many followers ❗️

for much more frequent content please follow me on my Instagram

I haven’t had the time/energy to think up new hc’s, watch more Lupin content, or interact w/ fans of lupin as much (discord ppl whom I’m dead to: miss u, love u, im srry ). I have crises to go through, a bf & friend to love, & more crises to go through fjskk but I will continue to write rambles on ao3 & hopefully post more here when I can

God writing is hard

What supernatural did to Bella is unforgivable.

Just horrible.

I really hate the ghostfacers episode. And that bullshit “the power of gay love can pierce the viel” oof I just hate it! Ugh just vile what they did to Corbett. They really fridged that faggot. Am i using that right? I know that fridging is when a female character is killed off to give backstory or motivation for the male character; but is there a homosexual equivalent for a gay character being killed off for a straight character? Is this the first episode with an Asian character? It’s the first episode with a gay character, right? I don’t know. I don’t wanna broaden the term because then it could lose it’s impact like empirical labor, but what other word would fit? There was that little alien gay boy in that Sailor Moon movie who died for Tuxedo Mask.

Omg “you gotta be gay for that poor dead intern” I remember When I first heard that. I thought Ed was gonna blow that ghost! Instead it was him sharing his feelings. Because you know, that’s gay! Gosh, why is this such a big deal to me. Cringe. Shut up and vape your weed!

It’s been a long time since my last post.

Been tough years.

5 years ago some friends started talking about me, my story, my mental disorders.

Today they released the second video.

I’d like to talk about it, what it means to me.

But I only wanna say to all of you: don’t ever give up. Even when the path is dark and you’re feeling hopeless. Don’t give up.

Thank you.

Alright I’ve created a Twitter profil so I can share my dumb ass thoughts with you or just with myself if no one wants to read them. It is mainly so I can share more random stuff and not always trans related ones. I try to keep this blog lgtb+ but I would love to share some other thoughs too (*cough* like the one yesterday *cough*). Follow me if you like and if not I will just continue to talk to myself.

Bye!