#voices in my head
i hope i go to sleep tonight and don’t wake up
why am i still alive?
because im really tired of living
depression
still haven’t gone to bed
have you?
Sometimes Bo talks to me
Me: *listening to my friend talking*
Well meaning Friend: “ actually you use console commands and go to this area its acutally. blah blah blah* explaining to me something they learned off a youtube video*
Me: "uh huh. thats cool man”
Bodacia: “oh my god I don’t fucking care. Tell them you don’t care”
Me: “but that might hurt their feelings, and make us sound like a selfish bitch. ”
Bo: “oh no. what ever would we do WHO GIVES A FUCK.”
Yeah…Bo doesn’t like people. She doesn’t care what you say. She doesn’t care if telling you to shut up will hurt your feelings.
then Lycoris come up and says :
“My dear Bodacia, it is necessary to appear interested in dull conversations. It allows for our companions to find us favorable. It benefits us in the long run."Bo: "hmmm….what kind of benefits?Lycoris: "I believe it depends. sustenance, gifts, physical and emotional pleasures, anything you desire really.”
Bo: “hmm…alright.”
so then she shuts up.
you keep telling me that I’m worth it, but I still feel like I’m worthless.
Voice In My Head (Part 2)
Summary : This is the story about Ashley Ackles and how her life turned upside down.
Pairing : Jensen Ackles x Daughter Reader / Danneel Ackles x Daughter Reader
Warnings : Fluff, Angst, Eating Disorder, Self Inflicting Cuts, Self Hate, Attempted Suicide, Minor Drug Use.
Series Masterlist/Main Masterlist
Jensen was currently sitting up in the living room watching a movie waiting for his daughter to make it home from the party she had attended that night. It was currently 12:30am and she still wasn’t home and was starting to get worried. He had tried calling and texting her and she wasn’t answering. After 10 more minutes his phone started ringing, it was an unknown number. Normally he doesn’t answer them, but tonight something was telling him that he needed to, what he didn’t know was that phone call was going to crash his heart. A strange feeling washed over him as he answered the phone.
“Hello?” Jensen asked in a tired voice.
“Hello, am I currently speaking to a Mr Jensen Ackles, the father of Ashley Ackles?” The lady on the other end of the call spoke.
Jensen was getting nervous, a lump formed in his throat making it hard to swallow. “Yes. Yes, I am.” he took a breath “May I ask who’s calling?”
“Hi, my name is Dr Mendes, I’m a doctor at Lakewood Hospital, I’m afraid I have some bad new regarding your daughter Ashley.”
Beep beep beep beep beep was the first thing I could hear when I started to wake up. My eyes where still closed but I was awake, I was just too tired maybe weak to open my eyes. Both of my hand were filled with a hand of another, I squeezed my hands as tight as I could, which wasn’t a lot, but the next thing I knew I could hear my dad and mum talking to me.
“Hey sweetie, it’s ok. Open your eyes for me.” I could hear my dad saying.
“Come on baby.” Mum said.
After a few minutes I slowly started to open my eyes and was pulled into a hug from my parents.
“I’m so glad you’re ok sweetie.” Mum said while rubbing her hand down my hair flattening it as she goes.
After spending some time talking to the doctors and my parents I remember that I wasn’t alone in the car, Tyler and Matt where there too.
“OMG!! Please tell me they’re ok. Please. I need to know is Tyler and Matt are ok” I say starting to get a little irritated.
“Sweetie calm down. You don’t want to hurt yourself.” My Dad says trying to calm me down.
“Just tell me they’re ok.” I reply deflated.
“Tyler is ok, he has a concussion but he is going to be released tomorrow.” Dad started saying.
“Well that’s good, how about Matt?.” I interrupted.
“Sweetie.” Mum started and from the tone of her voice I knew something wasn’t ok.
“No. Tell me he’s ok.” I say.
“I’m sorry sweetie. He didn’t make it. He’s gone.” She says in a low voice.
That’s when I started to freak out. It couldn’t be true, he couldn’t be gone. He can’t be. My boyfriend of 2 years was gone and there was no way to bring him back. Why didn’t I just go another way to drop Tyler off last night why did I not make sure it was really clear before pulling out. I just stayed in my hospital bed crying my eyes out in my mother’s arms while my dad held my hand and rubs his thumb over my hand. I had just lost the love of my life. He was dead.
Death is not something that we really like to talk or think about. However, without death our lives would have no context. If we didn’t have any context in life what would our meaning to be alive? Why are we breathing? Why are we still alive? The people around you are your meaning. Individually you can’t create a life with meaning, but together you can with your family and friends, you can build a life with meaning and leave a legacy behind once you’re gone.
Voices In My Head Taglist
@scatchia@spngirl05@myopiamystical@dracosassismine@maia-skye@vicmc624@blqcklust@cassiwalkinatural@ray-l-00@superspackles@mamanoota5@bea789@pooks06@m1s10@youngnickeleggseagle@overthinkingsoulcat@kettnerjanea@vildemc@izzy0731@blogaboutmylife2@101stshippersquad@spnfamily-j2@hgs2018@desiredposion@weightlessdevil@alliedimlerr@lifeofanerd164@hettolini@spneditsdestiel@smoothdogsgirl@weirdoforeves@lovingbrock@dannyo000@supergirl000983@jensenandjaredsgirl0516@sarsmilesah@thisshallbegrand@thehalediaries@generallyclumsy@hoboal87 @snowangel1994 @beth-winchester21
Voice In My Head (Part 1)
Summary : This is the story about Ashley Ackles and how her life turned upside down.
Pairing : Jensen Ackles x Daughter Reader / Danneel Ackles x Daughter Reader
Warnings : Fluff, Angst, Eating Disorder, Self Inflicting Cuts, Self Hate, Attempted Suicide, Minor Drug Use.
Series Masterlist/Main Masterlist
It’s hard to know where to begin telling you about this. I wonder if there’s any such thing as beginnings.
3 MONTHS AGO…
At this point in Ashley’s life everything had been normal. She was an A+ Grade student with a bright future ahead of her. She had her loving family surrounded around her and had good health. She had her 5 best friends Veronica, Selena, Bram (Abraham), Taylor and Matt (my boyfriend). She had been friends with Veronica and Selena since they were in kindergarten, she then met Bram in middle school then Taylor and Matt in High School and they six of them because the best of friends. They do everything together. They travel to school together every morning, go to the mall every Friday after school and talk about what friends usually talk about.
This is where our story starts. Ashley, Veronica and Selena were walking down the school hallway from just having gym class and was going to meet the boys for lunch. Once they get to the cafeteria they wait in line to get their food before going to find Matt, Taylor and Bram sitting at there normal table. I sit next to Matt and give him a quick kiss before starting my lunch. We were all eating and taking about the party that was happening on Saturday at Justin’s house. Justin is one of the school popular football players and always had parties whenever his parents went out of town for a weekend. Who knew this was going to be the downfall in Ashley’s life, the moment that changed her life forever.
“So who’s driving who Saturday?” Matt says while drinking some of his water.
“I don’t mind driving, it’s not like I’m gonna drink anyway.” I say while biting into my chicken salad sandwich.
“That makes sense too, you have 7 seats in your car.” Veronica said with a little laugh.
We spent the rest of lunch just talking and eating before finishing the rest of the day and heading home. Since tomorrow was the party we decided to skip the mall this week. Me and Matt went to my house today to do homework and watch TV. I pull my car into the driveway. Mums car wasn’t there meaning she was picking my younger siblings up from school and dad was away at work filming, he was coming home for the weekend though. We get out of the car and head inside get some snacks and head up to my bedroom. We were sitting on my bed with our work spread around us.
“Ok. What did you get for number 16?” Matt asked while fiddling with his pencil.
“Wait. There’s no number 16” I say while going through my papers.
“Hmmmm hmmmm” Matt started humming, in the cute annoying way he always does.
“STOP!” I say while pushing him a little.
“I’m just making sure your awake.” He said with a little smile forming on his lips.
“I’m awake, there’s just something about studying in a bed.” I reply. Since when we normally study together were on the floor with pillows.
“Well I guess I shouldn’t be complaining right. I’m in bed with a smoking hot, intelligent girl.” Matt started off saying before I interrupted him saying “women” which he corrects himself “women”. Then I continue saying “and your on the bed, not in it.” I say with a little smile.
“And I’m worried about math” Matt said.
We continued working for a little more, during that time mum had come home from picking up my younger siblings from school, and we had started working on the the subject we needed to get through, when I remembered something. I got off the bed Matt watching the walk across the room and going into my closet coming out with a black piece of fabric. I chucked them at him.
“You left your boxers here Monday”. I say with a smile.
“Oh no. I left them on purpose. You know to remind you of the wonderful night we had.” He said before grabbing my waist and kissing up my neck, which is when I begin to start giggling. Suddenly there was a knock on my bedroom door.
“Come in” I spoke loudly trying to stop giggling.
“Hello.” Mum said when she entered. “How’s the studying going” she asked.
“It’s going well. Nearly done” I reply,
“Good. Matt you joining us for dinner tonight?” She asked.
“No. Not tonight mum is making her famous spaghetti tonight.” He replied.
“Ok, also remember you father will be home tonight. So we are having his favourite” he should be home around 7.” Mum said before leaving the room.
Matt ends up leaving around 6pm to head home. I packed up all my work and put it away before heading downstairs for the night to spend time with my family. We were all in the living room when we heard the front door open and close. Dad was home. He had just finished filming season 14 of his show and was finally on hiatus. While dad was putting his luggage on the floor we all got up and welcomed him home before having dinner.
“So how was everyone’s day” dad asked. That’s when Zepp, Arrow and JJ start telling three different stories at once.
“Wow wow wow. Slooow down. One at a time. One at a time.” He interrupted. The one by one the all went through what happened to them. While this was happening I continued to eat my food, mums food is always delicious. Especially her spaghetti.
“Ashley, what about you?” Dad asked before taking another mouthful of his dinner.
“Not much really. Went to my lessons. Had gym. Had lunch, we didn’t go to the mall this week since there’s a party tomorrow night and then Matt came over after school so we could study together.” I said.
“What party?” He replied.
“Some guy called Justin. Don’t worry I won’t be drinking, I’m driving us all there and then home. So all I’m drinking is soda.”
“Well that’s ok. Just make sure you get home at a reasonable hour please. I don’t want to be up all night worrying because you’re not home.” Dad said while taking a forkful of his food.
“I promise I’ll be home before midnight.” I replied.
“That’s all I ask.” He replied.
For the rest of the night we spend together as a family. We all relaxed in the living room watching movies and snacking on popcorn and different snacks. It was nice. We don’t get to do this often since dad is away at work for too many months during the year. We all started to go to bed around 11pm, before I went to sleep I got my outfit ready for the party tomorrow night and went off to sleep.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
I could hear the beeping of my alarm like it was in a tunnel getting louder and louder. Slowly I started to wake up, I reached out my arm and turned off my alarm and started to get out of bed. I put on my slippers and my dressing gown on and headed into the bathroom and started getting ready for the day ahead. Around 8am I was finished and made my way downstairs. While walking down the hallway of her house she could smell the sizzling delicious smell of bacon cooking coming from the kitchen. When the kitchen comes into view she see her dad and mum standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast together. I make my way over to the kitchen table and start to pour myself a glass of orange juice that was already on the table.
“Morning sweetie.” Mum said when she saw me walking across the room.
“Morning.” I say before drinking half of my glass.
“How did you sleep last night?” Mum asked
“I had a good night sleep.” I replied.
We went along with our morning. Around 8pm I was all ready for the party and texted everyone I was ready and was about to leave to pick everybody up. I made my way downstairs and picked up my car keys from the bowl and walked into the living room.
“I’m about to leave. I’ll try and get home before midnight ok. I’ll text you when we leave the party so you don’t have to worry ok.” I say from the doorway to my dad.
“That’s ok sweetie. We’re not going anywhere tonight so we’ll be home.” He replied.
I got in my car, I collected everyone from their houses and made it to Justin’s house. I parked my car on his street and we all made our way inside.
“Um.. 11:45 at the car.” I say so we all agree on a time to head home.
“Now let’s have some fun.” Matt said while he came closer to me to give me a kiss under my ear, which caused me to giggle.
We all spent our night dancing around the backyard drinking. I only have 1 drink and stayed drinking cola and water for the rest of the night. The party was in full swing and everyone was drinking and dancing and were having a good time. It currently 11:45pm when we got in the car and left the party.
We all got in the car still laughing and having fun from the night that had just happened. I drove for about 10 minutes to Veronica house where I was dropping her off and Selena since she was staying over at her house next was Bram, then it was just Tyler, Matt and me. I was currently sitting at a red light singing along to the radio and just being our normal selves. After about 2 minutes light changed to green and I slowly started to move. When I reached the middle of the intersection of the road, out of the corner of my eye I could suddenly see bright white lights coming straight to us and hitting the car from the passenger side. The place were Matt was sitting. At first I didn’t know what to do. Blood was coming down my head from where I hit it on my door window. Matt wasn’t moving or talking and sight was getting shorter and shorter. The last thing I remember before I passed out was that I could see flashing lights and hear sirens.
Voices In My Head Taglist
@scatchia@spngirl05@myopiamystical@dracosassismine@maia-skye@vicmc624@blqcklust@cassiwalkinatural@ray-l-00@superspackles@mamanoota5@bea789@pooks06@m1s10@youngnickeleggseagle@overthinkingsoulcat@kettnerjanea@vildemc@izzy0731@blogaboutmylife2@101stshippersquad@spnfamily-j2@hgs2018@desiredposion@weightlessdevil@alliedimlerr@lifeofanerd164@hettolini@spneditsdestiel@smoothdogsgirl@weirdoforeves@lovingbrock@dannyo000@supergirl000983@jensenandjaredsgirl0516@sarsmilesah@thisshallbegrand@thehalediaries@generallyclumsy@hoboal87 @snowangle1994
Voices In My Head (Prologue)
Overall Summary : This is the story about Ashley Ackles and how her life turned upside down.
Pairing : Jensen Ackles x Daughter Reader / Danneel Ackles x Daughter Reader
Warnings : Fluff, Angst, Eating Disorder, Self Inflicting Cuts, Self Hate, Attempted Suicide, Minor Drug Use.
Series Masterlist/Main Masterlist
It had been awhile since Ashley’s had been really happy. At the end of the last school year she was not in the right space of mind. She has been hurting. Hurting herself and then one night she messed up and go caught by her mother and that’s when she knew her life was going to change for the good. That’s when Ashley broke down, and told all her secrets to her mother, she told her everything about she felt alone and that she wasn’t pretty enough and loads more. Over a 30 minute span her mother had found out a lot that she had missed. Her own daughter was hurting herself. She wasn’t eating properly, she was hiding food in her room and keeping diary tracking her weight and noting down what she had ate that day, and how much she needed to work out or throw up to stay at the “perfect weight” she was currently at. She was cutting herself and not really sleeping. At this point in her life, on a conscious level, she new what she was doing was wrong. She knew if she kept doing this to herself she would die, but she didn’t want to listen to that voice in her head, she was only listening to the negative one. Ashley wanted to get help but didn’t want anyone to know as she didn’t want to be seen any differently in their eyes. So her mother and father got in contact with a treatment centre in Chicago, it was a very well recommended facility and 2 weeks before school ended she flew to Chicago with her mother to the centre and got checked in. Danneel stayed in Chicago for about a week before heading back home, she also promised to keep people from knowing her secrets. Since her siblings were quite young she knew her parents wouldn’t have told them anything about what was really going on and come up with a little lie about me going away to a summer camp that I wanted to go to at the beginning of the school year. However she was at a treatment centre in Chicago. She will be spending the next 6 weeks getting help for what she has been going through in silence for so long. During her time there she was going to be going to therapy sessions, group therapy sessions. She would get a balanced meal to help with weight gain. She couldn’t eat alone as she was used to eat very little in her normal day to day life. This was the next 6 weeks of her life and she needed to get better. This is Ashley Ackles story, and what lead her to this place in her life
Voices In My Head Taglist
@scatchia@spngirl05@myopiamystical@dracosassismine@maia-skye@vicmc624@blqcklust@cassiwalkinatural@ray-l-00@superspackles@mamanoota5@bea789@pooks06@m1s10@youngnickeleggseagle@overthinkingsoulcat@kettnerjanea@vildemc@izzy0731@blogaboutmylife2@101stshippersquad @spnfamily-j2@hgs2018@desiredposion@weightlessdevil@alliedimlerr@lifeofanerd164@hettolini@spneditsdestiel@smoothdogsgirl@weirdoforeves@lovingbrock@dannyo000 @supergirl000983@jensenandjaredsgirl0516@sarsmilesah@thisshallbegrand@thehalediaries@generallyclumsy@hoboal87
Voices In My Head Masterlist
Summary : This is the story about Ashley Ackles and how her life turned upside down.
Pairing : Jensen Ackles x Daughter Reader / Danneel Ackles x Daughter Reader
Warnings : Fluff, Angst, Eating Disorder, Self Inflicting Cuts, Self Hate, Attempted Suicide, Minor Drug Use.
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
It’s been a long time since my last post.
Been tough years.
5 years ago some friends started talking about me, my story, my mental disorders.
Today they released the second video.
I’d like to talk about it, what it means to me.
But I only wanna say to all of you: don’t ever give up. Even when the path is dark and you’re feeling hopeless. Don’t give up.
Thank you.
In your new book, THE VOICE IN MY HEAD , your main character is having conversations with God. And God sounds like…Dave Chapelle?
The short answer here is… kinda! God is patterned after Dave Chapelle’s sarcastic wit. In fact, when my main character, Indigo explains to her family what “God” sounds like, she says, “Well…he sounds a bit like Dave Chapelle.”
I can explain! One of the themes in THE VOICE IN MY HEAD is opening up our minds to a new concept of God. For so long we’ve all imagined this white faced God with a long beard, sitting on a throne, holding a scepter, doling out blessings and punishments. How droll! I think as we evolve as a race of beings, we have to have our perceptions about God and spirituality evolve too. I wanted to create the kind of God I’d want to talk to. And I’ve always admired Dave Chapelle. Not just for being funny, but for being wise and intelligent and inspiring. It’s like that song by Joan Osborne, What if God Was One of Us? I love those lyrics. I wanted to create a “God” like us. So yeah…in this book “God’s” gonna make you laugh, not cower in fear. But more importantly “God’s” gonna open up your mind and help you realize that perhaps you’re the power you seek.
It’s 100 years from now. How do you want to be remembered as a writer?
This question is everything! One I think all authors should seriously ask themselves before they write another word. I want to be remembered as a person who stopped complaining about how people of color were being represented in film and TV and in literature and who decided to do something about it. I want to be remembered as an author who worked hard to normalize the black experience. In 100 years, there will no longer be a go to narrative for black stories. I want to be remembered as an author who contributed to the new movement.
What’s your author pet peeve? Like…what really drives you crazy about the publishing world right now?
Comparison! I think platforms like Goodreads have given people a voice to say things like… “It wasn’t as good as (insert an entirely different book by an entirely different author with an entirely different life experience).” Look…don’t do that! If a book doesn’t resonate with you, don’t waste your time reading it! But for the love of everything good and pure, don’t read a book and then find an online platform to state… “Well…it wasn’t as good as this other book I read!” There are authors who create these lush, literary masterpieces and I read their works and I cry and I’m transformed and I see the world differently. There are other authors who create a laugh out loud, wild experience and I love it. Another author might create a sexy, fun love story. I can’t compare the lush, literary work that changed my life to the sexy rom com that made me not wanna be single. It’s not fair to authors. We have to stop comparing and allow authors to feel good about exactly where they are in their journey as a writer.
What’s your all time favorite book. Like…ever.
WHAT DREAMS MAY COME by Richard Matheson. This book wasn’t just spun from the author’s imagination. I mean…many parts were. But he compiled a ton of research on near death experiences and really took his time to compose such a beautiful story. I found so much truth in it. It truly changed my life and gave me a lot of peace about life on the other side. Glad I’m talking about it now because it’s one of those books you really should read more than once. I’d love to read it again someday. The movie that’s based on the book is interesting and I certainly enjoyed that too. But the book is truly a work of art.
Your first book TIFFANY SLY LIVES HERE NOW was about family. THE VOICE IN MY HEAD is about family too. What gives with all the family?
I’m all about breaking down stereotypes and normalizing the black experience. We don’t always have to be what you think we should be. We are princesses, queens, lovers, haters, doctors, lawyers, teachers. We are laughing ‘til our eyes water with tears, we are hanging out with friends. We are anything and everything you can imagine. In order for me to help people to truly understand that the black experience is just like any experience, I decided family is a great place to start. Families are the building blocks of who we are and who we become.
What makes you sad? What makes you happy?
I’m still living with anxiety…that makes me sad. It’s a tough road to travel. It’s heartbreaking at times. One of the things I miss is reading for enjoyment. My anxiety makes it nearly impossible to read. I also find it tough to focus on TV, so I don’t watch much of that. I had a blast writing TIFFANY SLY LIVES HERE NOW because it helped me to share a bit about the experience of living with anxiety. What makes me happy? Seeing the people I love succeed. Whatever success is to them. There is nothing better than celebrating a friend. Seeing their dreams come true.
What’s next?
More books! It was actually just announced that Inkyard Press acquired rights to my THIRD young adult novel Roman and Jewel. It’s a “witty, modern and unforgettable take on the classic star-crossed lovers story with a divers cast of characters.” I can’t wait to share it with the world. I feel like I came to Earth specifically to write this book! Ha. Can you tell I’m excited about it?!
Dana L. Davis is an actress who lives and works in LA. She has starred in Heroes,Prom Night,Franklin & Bash, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Dana is the founder of the Los Angeles-based nonprofit Culture for Kids LA, which provides inner-city children with free tickets and transportation to attend performing-arts shows around LA County. She currently stars in the following animated series: Star vs. the Forces of Evil,Craig of the Creek, and She-Ra.
