I am 18 years old. I live with both my parents because they are still married and are in love with each other. I have one blood sister,  2 sisters, and 3 brothers. My life is perfect.. On the outside.

I once fell in love. It was a feeling like no other. I would watch him from a distance and be his friend when he needed one. We weren’t close but we would talk. He came over my house and we would hang out. I would listen to his stories, the passion in his voice was inspiring, the glow in his eyes shined brighter than the sun, and the way he talks with his hands made the stories more interesting then they already were.

Little did I know, he was falling in love with me.

Our conversations got deeper and we would be around each other more than often. We became each others life. 

One day, my feelings for him could not be held in anymore, so I told him I was falling for him. He told me the same. From that day on, we were each others, only.

I still remember the first time we held hands, my heart was racing so fast! I was hoping he wouldn’t notice that my hands were starting to sweat. I still remember our first kiss, he pulled away because he was scared that he wasn’t good, but he was amazing. I remember the first time I said I love you. I was scared because I wasn’t sure if he loved me back. I was shocked when he grabbed my waist pulled me in closer, kissed my lips and said I love you too.

Everything was great. I grew accustomed to the way we were together. I noticed the little things about him. The way his throat tenses when he’s eating. The way his eyes would change color in the sun and in the moon light. The way his voice cracked when he tried lying. I completely fell in love with my best friend, and I didn’t care at all.

Some people saw how happy I was with him. They would tell me that they want a relationship like mine and his. We were the “it” couple. 

Others envied our relationship. They were the ones who tried to separate our love because they didn’t have it themselves. Many tried and many failed. Except 2.

A guy I barely knew, barely wanted to know had taken a toll into my life. He would put things into my head that made me question my love. I let it get to me.

A girl he called a sister, wanted more than just a friendship, and did everything she could to make that clear. She would put things into his head that made him question his love.

One night, just as fast as lightning, our love was done. He did not want to fight for me anymore and I did not want to let him go. 

I was left fighting alone

He is now with that girl and I am here wondering if he actually meant it when he said he loved me. He acted like it, he would say it, but did he really?

When you love someone, you don’t move on that fast…right?

I didn’t let what this guy who I barely knew get to me completely, I just let him into my life a little. He let this girl consume him. 

I lay in my bed, wondering, was it me? Was it him? Was it just because it wasn’t meant to be? Why do I still love him, we haven’t been together in a while.He’s a different person now. Get over him. I can’t. Why not? Because the love I had for him was real.

She may make him happy, but she will NEVER understand him the way I did. She will NEVER see the little things about him and appreciate him the way I did. She will NEVER love him more than I do, and that is a fact.

I miss him, everyday. I have lost him

I keep saying, he moved on, he never loved you, he isn’t yours anymore. But I can’t believe any of those things.

If you are in love with someone, let it be known. Tell them everyday. Don’t get distracted. Stay focused. If they are worth the fight, then fight. If you feel like there slipping away, try to catch them, don’t let them go unless they want you too. Love is powerful and as easy as it comes, it can be gone. 

My fault? When I tripped over because I didn’t tie up my shoelaces, that was my fault. When my favourite plant died because I forgot to water him, that was my fault. When I lost a friend because I kept putting off contacting them, that was my fault.

When you locked me in your room, when you tried to finger me under the tables in our science class, when you told everyone we had sex, when you made fun of my body and called me a whore, when you tricked me, when you groomed me, when you made fun of me for going to the police, was that my fault? You say yes, I say fuck you.

Those parts of me I’ll never have back, you stole that. There was no us, and there certainly was no me. You haunt me, when I see you my legs don’t work, and I want to run towards you, to embrace you, then thrust my knife into your back. Because that is what you did to me.

I see you laugh at me; I see you jeer. Whore, slut, skank, did you ever really know my name? Did you know what my favourite colour was? Did you know what show I loved the most? Did you even want me? Or did you want my body? You salivate, dripping drool like a dog with a gaping maw, you ate me, then spat me out when I resisted. You didn’t want me when I fought back.

You’re a monster, a lying cheating beast who prays on those who are smaller. You saw a rabbit, ripe, fresh and full of hopes, and you snapped its neck. For so long that rabbit lay there dormant, its neck hanging like a loose rope. I loved you once, at least I thought I did, I was 12 when you started attacking me. You said you love me, then proceeded to treat me like a toy.

You won, you won finally, I broke. 2 times I stood on a ledge, 2 times I choked myself with a rope. I turned, naïve, thinking maybe you’d see what you did. You were laughing. Mouthing “jump”. So, I tried, and 3 angels held me down, took me to the hospital and tried to fix what they could. They mended my physical wounds and tried to fix my brain. They had to remove the TV remote chord, I tried to die again.

I haven’t seen you since, and that brings me great joy. Every time I hear your name, see you active online, I laugh. I’m not fixed, not yet. I don’t think I ever will be. There’s no way to fix what you’ve broken, but that doesn’t mean that it will always bring me down. One day I know I’ll be able to stop the flashbacks, look past the trauma and know it wasn’t my fault. Until then I just must play it day by day. One day you’ll be scared of me, like how I am with you. And on that day, I will have won.

Jenny se tut, cessa de respirer. Elle était comme morte. Que faire maintenant ? Quoi dire ? Comment le dire ? Elle avait tellement peur. Elle avait tellement honte. Avant ce matin-là, Jenny n’avait jamais été approché par un garçon… elle n’y connaissait rien… mais elle était flattée de tant d’attention.

Si seulement… Si seulement elle ne lui avait pas souris… Si seulement elle ne lui avait pas laissé l’opportunité de s’approcher d’elle, si seulement elle ne lui avait pas ouvert les portes de sa bulle protectrice… Si seulement Jenny avait compris plus tôt dans quel traquenard elle était tombée… Si… et si… et si…

Ce monstre, ce sauvage, cette brute, cet animal lui avait sauvagement blessé le corps, lui avait piétiné l’âme… La douleur était si intense…

Dès lors Jenny savait que jamais elle n’oublierait. Jamais elle n’oublierait le froid de la lame posée sur sa gorge ni même ces mains calleuses qui lui enserraient le cou. Jamais elle n’oublierait la sueur qui dégoulinait de cet être abject et qui se mêlait au sel de ses larmes tout comme toutes ces odeurs qui lui donnaient la nausée. Elle n’oublierait pas non plus la douleur quand tout se déchire de l’intérieur ni le sentiment de culpabilité, d’humiliation, d’incompréhension ni même la détresse et le dégoût qui ont suivi… Aujourd’hui, Jenny est un peu bancale. Elle a grandit de travers mais elle grandit comme elle peut. Elle tente de se relever. Elle tente d’accéder à la paix intérieure et au bonheur qu’elle a tant convoité…

Jenny sait aussi malheureusement que le bonheur parfait n’existe pas mais elle continue d’y croire… pour survivre…

Jenny c’est moi. J’avais 18 ans. Et je me souviens de (presque) tout…

so i thought i would share a little story with you all because i’m horny and a slut :)

When i was 19 i dated a ‘soccer lad’ for a couple months. For my American followers, a ‘soccer lad’ is probably similar to a ‘frat boy’. They usually love to drink, love to party, little bit sexist, and always keen for a fuck. Soccer lad’s (where i am from) love their homies and always travel in packs. I was rarely truely alone with my Lad without one of His mates over or in another room.

So me and my lad had been dating a few months, and by dating i mean we had basically been fucking at his place non-stop and sometimes took selfies and went out to eat together. My Lad’s favourite way to fuck me was pinning my down on my back or stomach and jackhammering His cock into me (which i was absolutely addicted to). 

What my Lad also loved to do was dirty talk. He would always whisper or grunt in my ear how much He would love to share me with His ‘boys’, and watch me be such a good fuck for them and please them and show them how i was His ‘good girl’. I usually played along, i mean, His friends where hot so i didn’t mind the fantasy of having them fuck the hell out of me. 

i remember one afternoon my Lad invited me over to hang. When i got there, my Lad was there and so were 4 of His boys. The vibe was a little weird, but mostly fine, so I just sat on His lap while Him and the boys watched some sport game. Totally normal. 

At one point i got up to go get a drink from the kitchen, and my Lad followed me in. He comes up behind me and pressed me against the kitchen counter, wrapping His hands around my waist and kissing my neck. Thats when He starts whispering in my ear, asking me if i still want to be His good girl, and remembering how wet i got last time we fucked and He talked about His friends fucking me. He asked me if i would be a good girl today and let His friends fuck me. 

i’ll admit, at first i was a bit shocked. Dirty talk and fantasies are one thing, but here He was asking me to fuck His friends. I thought about saying no, at this point i hadn’t fucked more than one guy at the time, but the more i thought about it as my Lad was kissing my neck and running His hands all over my body, i found myself saying ‘yes’. 

My Lad span me around and kissed me, muttering little thank yous into my mouth as His semi was pressing into my pelvis. He took my hand and led my back into the main room and announced to the boys that i had a little treat for them. My Lad wasted no time thrusting His semi against my ass, pulling my head back towards Him for a kiss while the let His hands roam my body, lifting my shirt and trying to tug down my shorts. 

In the end, it didn’t take long for Him to push me towards His boys. The first one that grabbed at me didn’t even hesitate to put his hands and mouth all over me. It was then that i realised they had planned this before i came over or consented. They had all planned to fuck me. 

And yet, i still let them fuck me. i took their cocks in my mouth and my pussy, i let them cum all over my stomach/tits. it was a great fucking session from my Lad and His lads. i wish i could say it happened more than one, but that was the only time He shared me while we dated. Though we talked about it almost every time we fucked from then on! 

Dinner with my ride or die was a big pile of tofu chow mein!

The leftovers from this will be tomorrow’s lunch too, which saves me so much time!

I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…

Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).

It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…

Feeling Sick

Chronic nausea is something I have suffered from for about 11 years.

When I stopped being able to breathe, about 6 years ago, I was living in an apartment with two roommates. Over time my ability to…. well breathe was compromised so often that I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking I had developed some sort of lung issue or asthma of some sort I went in thinking I would find out and be cured- only to discover that the truth was I was having such intense panic at all times that my body had gone sort of into shock and wasn’t allowing me to breathe without other (usual) physical or emotional symptoms. The other thing they guessed was some sort of chronic heartburn causing me to be nauseous all the time, yet exacerbated by the stress of the panic.

After a while I got the breathing under control, a symptom that still comes in week or month long waves when my stress and anxiety levels reach their peak, but the nausea and heartburn is something that has always truly escaped me. When I started feeling this way I never thought it would go on for so long, yet looking back, obviously it has.

Being ill is never easy. It took me so long to understand how my body was reacting to my moods, emotions, and especially what I ate.

I do believe for myself everything is such a delicate balance- I walk a tightrope of medication, therapy, and diet to try to keep myself from falling off, but I fall often, and often hard.

Today I feel so incredibly sick. The nausea and bodily discomfort is so horribly intense that I will without a doubt have to sit propped up against a wall of pillows to sleep. I’ll have to make sure I stay far away from trigger foods for quite some time, and really put more work into reminding myself that I don’t like to feel this way.

Tomorrow I go back to work, to work on my art, my apprenticeship, and my career.

One like = one “good luck” for my work week

Story time

My little sister asked me to tell her a bedtime story and seeing as we didn’t have any books on hand, I decided to come up with one on the spot. All in all it consisted of a princess no one could find, not even every prince in the land. A princess decides to look for the lost princess and eventually finds her. They realize the lost princess has no recollection of her life before and that only true loves kiss could bring the memories back due to the spell on her mind. The princess kisses the lost princess and they live happily ever after. After I finished my story, my little sister (who’s only 4) asks, “girls can marry girls?” To which I responded “yes” and she gets quiet for a minute and then she just goes, “GROSS” And I, being a not-straight individual, asked what was so gross, expecting some “girls can’t marry girls because thats gross” type of answer that she may have picked up by someone that’s disapproving. She looks at me and goes “Marrying someone. Marriage is GROSS, LEXI” and I just looked at her and said “ya know what, you right, can’t argue that”

A Quarter Century…wow!

Today represents 25 years to the day that I took an incredible step to change my life.

25 years ago I made the move to be true to myself and to those I love. It was on May 3rd, 1997, that I came out of the proverbial closet for the first time. I remember it so very clearly, nerves a wreck, and thinking over and over again that once it’s out, it can never be taken back.

I planned dinner at my place with my best friend from high school, Robin. We ate, we drank, we joked, we drank some more, and finally working up the nerve to tell her that I had something I needed to say, and then began crying. I know she knew, and I think she may have said as much, but encouraged me, and said it’s okay…say it. And then, I did. “I’m Gay.”

When someone says that old saying of “a weight lifting off your shoulders” it could not have ever been more true than at that moment. I felt free. I felt relief. I felt true, real, authentic, for the first time in my 23 years of existence. And I felt scared. I knew no gay people. It was going to be a long road to explore and make gay friends. I had to figure it out on my own at first. But I met people and leaned on others. I made plenty of mistakes (and still do!) and learned a lot (all while not being a slut, for a while at least. If anything, I was probably too much a prude for a few years. Really!).

The year 1997 was a very different time (25 years is eons in ‘gay years’), it really was in scope of how being gay was perceived. 1997 was the year Ellen came out on TV, and that was scandalous in its own way, but opened the door of public understanding for so many of us. There was no social media. The internet was still figuring itself out (Dial-up anyone?). No Will and Grace. No Mitch and Cam. Being lucky enough to grow up in California, I know I was afforded an easier time and better acceptance than so many others.

I just wish it didn’t have to be an issue for anyone. No one should have to feel the way I did hiding for all those years. The LGBTQ community has come so far, so fast really, in these 25 years, but there is so much progress to still be made: protecting our rights in the workplace, protecting children from the evils of therapy conversion, ensuring equality for the Trans community, allowing that kid in rural America to be able to be themself without fear. All especially in even more peril these days with recent hate laws spreading state to state.

I want to thank my family (Mom, sister and Bro-in-law, but especially my grandparents Ida and Art), all of my past boyfriends (and my man Rey) for putting up with me (I have learned from each and every one of you), and all of my friends (past, present and future) for being there for me. For supporting me. For encouraging me to be the real, true, better me.

I love you all.

Happy Re-Birthday to me!

Skylar and Gigi being silly

Vinni is gonna babysit a lil Haru

text post memes with Ketsler

Fun times hanging out. Exploding your glasses. Lighting Master Ketsler’s bed on fire by accident…they’re buddies

Zo belongs to @larissa-the-scribe and her epic story

Text post memes + Tehvlar

text post memes + Rhyin

Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to introduce you guys to these characters and story, but for now you can learn it by memes and random doodles

team Coon

He tries to be edgy and smoke because the cool kids do it but Niya is like “um your health?? Your health?!?”

“Ages pass, but one thing stays the same. The sun still swings through the sky and love grows like a new sapling from the thawing earth. ”