#mental breakdown
I miss being a kid
When I was a young child, I told myself I wanted to live up to 100 years old— that was my goal. I wanted to live a long life. I was absolutely terrified of dying.
Ten years later and I’m begging the universe to kill me. I’m praying to God— if there even is one— that this will all end.
Honestly, I didn’t even expect to make it this far. I never thought I’d be able to see myself turn eighteen. I graduate high school in a month. I should be happy but I’m not. I feel so lost. I wasn’t planning on being alive for this long. I don’t know what to do, what steps to take, which direction to go— I’m lost.
Is anything even worth it? Should I keep on pushing? Should I go to college? Should I continue working?
Or will it all be a waste of time? “I won’t be alive in the next ten years so I guess nothing really matters.” I find myself often repeating that line.
That’s the thing about life though. You never know what the future will hold. Maybe I will be dead in the near by future. Or maybe I’ll be alive and finally happy.
The only thing I can do now is focus on the present. Let’s just hope I have enough strength to even do that…
Sajnos nem egy új írással jövök felétek, sokkal inkább egy kéréssel.
Szeretném a segítségeteket kérni.
Kutatást kell lefolytatnom egy tanulmányhoz és arra szeretnélek megkérni titeket, hogy amennyiben nem probléma, töltsétek ki az alábbi kérdőívet. Mindössze pár percet vesz igénybe.
A kérdőív anonim és a válaszok bizalmasan lesznek kezelve. Illetve arra kérnélek titeket, hogy amennyiben tudjátok, akkor osszátok meg ezt a posztot.
A kérdőívet ezen a linken éritek el:
A kitöltést mindenkinek köszönöm!
Well, after 2 mental breakdowns, 1 possible love interest, an impulsive hair dying session and many drinks, I’m back.
Do you think you will ever feel happy ? Truly and unconditionally happy and content… so much so that it will last you a lifetime or for what’s left of it anyway ?
im so tired of mental illness being a trend and a competition. i never feel skinny enough or sick enough. that’s a struggle in itself and then it becomes a trend?? my struggles are not your newest fad. my struggles are not for you to laugh about. you all want mental illness until your parents are crying and asking you if you meant it. until you start doing things you don’t mean out of impulse. until it gets “ugly” for you. so please, think about who your jokes are affecting.
to celebrate twosday (22/2/2022), treat yourself to twomental breakdowns!!
“Hey, are you okay?”
11/2/2020
I’ve come to realize there is something deeply wrong with me and as much as I try not to be, I am a toxic person maybe not to others most likely just to myself but it’s probably the truth. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend but the feeling of being a outcast and the persistent thoughts that I’m not good enough and that I’m stupid control my mind. I hate the way I think, I hate that I don’t get it on the first go, I hate that I always feel like I’m the reason why everything comes apart. The feeling of consent numbness also makes not want to do anything but laying in bed.
Alone
Dead to the world
Numb
Why do I feel this way
Why dose it hurt
Why I’m I in pain
I thought I was over this
But I was getting better at masking my feelings
My heart it burns
It hurts
I hate you
And I hate me too
I want to be alone
But I also want someone comfort
I’m confused sad alone all over again
And this time I can’t even let anyone in
I’m dying by myself
Gonna take a break. Will complete the oneshot I’ve almost finished but after that’s posted, I’ll be gone for a bit. Mental issues, yk. And the fact my WattPad account is slowly dying and I need to revive it.
Please understand.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone for but I should be back in at least a week after I post the oneshot.
After the break, I’ll continue anything that’s in drafts and then requests are gonna be closed so I can do things that I want at my own pace. <33
They’ll be reopened. I’ll make a separate post once I know when.
imagine not understanding that malcolm bright is a victim of circumstances and psychological torture who has severe ptsd just so you can be like “good for her” to ainsley who is clearly being written as an actual villian for what she has done and is doing. malcolm wasn’t right to lie to her, but he wasn’t gaslighting her because gaslighting is a specific kind of manipulation with insidious intent. lying is part of gaslighting, but not all lying IS gaslighting. malcolm did hide what ainsley did, but he did not do it to hurt her. he did it to save her. to save her the trauma of what she did, because he thought she would feel as crushingly guilty as he does - which she CLEARLY does not. he did it to take the fall for her despite it costing him everything, including his sense of self.
if he were gaslighting her, it would be to hurt her and control her. also, an important factor is that he comes to the conclusion on his own that keeping the truth from her was wrong, he apologizes and promises her that he will be there. if he were truly gaslighting her, he would not have done that. he would have shifted the blame on her for his lies. but he didn’t. then we see ainsley actually gaslight him by making him think that she killed a second person. she literally did this to torture him emotionally.
men can be victims, and it is important to see a male character be as open and emotionally vulnerable about trauma the way malcolm is. it’s refreshing to see him say he has trauma, to know it isn’t his fault and to cry openly about it. plus, in that moment we are supposed to be realizing that ainsley doesn’t love or care about malcolm. she is a killer just like their father. it is not a #yas queen moment and if you think it is you probably watched midsommar wrong too. malcolm isn’t perfect, but he isn’t meant to be. he is a traumtized individual making the best of his situation without getting any breaks in the process. he is bound to make mistakes along the way. but he isn’t malicious. that’s the point.
Very true! Might I add that one of the goals of gaslighting is to make the person being gaslighted doubt their own ability to distinguish the truth from the lies in order to eventually make that person dependent on the gaslighter for the “truth.” While I think Malcolm lying to Ainsley may have had a similar effect due to her memories coming back which were contradictory to what he was telling her (remember in 2x04 when she said “I feel like I’m going insane”?), Malcolm definitely didn’t do it to make Ainsley dependent on him (which is what Martin would have done) - he literally says in 2x07 that he did to “save [her] pain.” One could argue he lied to Jessica about it too to save her the pain of finding out that another member of her family, “perfect, nontraumatized” Ainsley, was a killer.
Lying to Jessica and Ainsley and covering up Endicott’s murder are all mistakes that Malcolm has made, some with bad consequences to come if the 2x08 promo is anything to go by, but he didn’t do any of it maliciously, certainly didn’t enjoy any of it (I don’t believe the “flashbacks” in 2x01 are actually what happened - more what Martin is planting in Malcolm’s mind), it has caused him severe emotional pain, and once he realized he’d made a mistake and he needed to rectify that, he apologized in person to Ainsley, comforted her and offered her support. And Ainsley, already having set up her sick “prank”, went ahead with it anyway. She watched her brother breaking down in front of her, made him worried on purpose all day by ignoring him, made smart remarks about him in front of their aunt and their mother and expressed no remorse. Honestly, I’m no expert so I don’t know if Ainsley is a sociopath or what, but I do think that this could be a dark path that the writers are setting her down on (but I’m here for that because I like dark female characters).
in the middle of a breakdown
don’t interrupt please
Why is my period out here unlocking memories I’ve purposely blocked out and giving me a migraine
My phone : *notification sound*
Me: what is it this time? Do I have to pay something? Did I forget something? Is a deadline due? Is my the thing I was excited for canceled?
Should I be concerned by how often my inner monologue is a dialogue?
what the fuck is my life. someone come fucking kill me. thanks.
i’m just now realising that there are names for these things i’ve been feeling for years- camhs really is doing something something for me after going through like 3 therapists but if i get one more diagnosis i’m gonna cry
Me: *makes a joke*
My therapist:
If you yell at me, be sure I’ll start crying and the situation will be more uncomfortable for you than for me.
I’m a very adult, mentally stable and responsible person in my imagination.
Someone who I have never seen in my life: “omg you write? ! Can you make me a character in your story. ”
Me:“sure you gonna be the annoying guy who gets killed in the end.”
Reading is my coping mechanisms.
My life choices be like:
I need a long hug and a gentle punch in the face with a chair or something.
Please 2020 give me a break.
i truly don’t understand how people like staring at themselves in the mirror. one glance that last for too long and i can feel my brain shortcutting and preparing itself for a breakdown i just can’t do it i hate it here
Sometimes I don’t want to pretend I am strong. Sometimes I want someone to hug me and say “It’s alright..”.
How can parents confidently yell at their children for no reason? I can’t even raise my voice while talking to anyone.
Sorry guys I’m a bit numb :/
