Sometimes I forget that neurotypical people get upset when you ask them about certain things. I’m an open book. I don’t care if people ask me “personal” things as long as it doesn’t put my safety at risk to answer the question. I like to understand the big picture, so I ask a lot of questions. It’s like someone will be talking about something, I’ll ask a question about the thing they’re already talking about, they will answer, then I ask another question that doesn’t seem that personal or like a bad question and they get snappy with me. A simple “I’d rather not talk about that” would be fine. Sometimes I forget that people attach so much emotion to talking about a past experience instead of just dissociating and thinking of it like it’s a story about someone else instead of something that happened to them like I often do.
Pictures from Poppy’s 6th birthday a few days ago on March 27, 2022. Took her to play at the dog park, which she had all to herself, took her to Reber Ranch (a huge pet store with lots more to offer besides a normal one) and let her pick out some birthday treats. Then went through Starbucks drive through, told them it was her birthday, and they made her a pupachino and wrote “Happy B-Day ♡” on the cup! She looks so happy, it warms my heart to see Poppy having a great time. She deserves a wonderful birthday celebration!
Today is Poppy’s 6th birthday and her fifth year with me as her owner. If you’d like to read the story I wrote four years ago in 2018 about how Poppy was rescued feel free to continue reading below.
Note: If you don’t like brutally honest stories or stories about triumphs, troubles, and rescue dogs don’t read this.
Today is my dog Poppy’s 2nd birthday (6th birthday as of 2022) and the 1 year celebration of me adopting her (5 year celebration of adopting her as of 2022). The first picture is a picture of what she looked like the day I got her when she had been abused and malnourished. The second photo is a picture of what she looked like in February of 2020 at her Petco Positive Dog Training Level 1 graduation , happy and healthy. Here is her full rescue story below.
A year ago (5 years ago) I never thought I would be able to write a story so honest and pure. I especially never thought I would be the one to get to experience life with the sweetest living creature on Earth.
March 27, 2017 was the day that I met a real life angel that changed my life forever. My little doe, Poppy.
My day started like any other day at the time, I was doing my day to day things and for some reason something told me to go downtown to the Westlake area even though I rarely went down there. After spending some time in the area I went into Ross to get a hat for my partner at the time. As I was in the store P saw a group of men walking around with two dogs. One of the dogs they were treating normally, and the other dog they were walking around going up to random people aged 18-30’s asking if they would trade the dog for meth or heroin. That dog was Poppy.
Poppy was obviously uncomfortable, afraid, and didn’t want to walk with them. When they would pull on her leash it was a tug-o-war. They would pull and she would stand in place, shaking profusely with fear, refusing to move, and trying to pull in the other direction while they would yell at, kick, beat, and drag her across the concrete to get her to move. They approached P asking if he had anything to trade, he told them we didn’t have either of those drugs but that we really wanted the dog and that we had some weed that someone had given us that he would be willing to trade if they were interested. They said they would think about it, and then they went to look for someone else with an offer closer to what they were looking for. Ten minutes later they came back and told him they had no luck trading her, they accepted his offer, P gave them the half smoked joint and they gave us the dog, said her name was Sierra, and then took off before he could ask anything else about her. I came outside and said I was ready to leave but told him he should probably return the dog to his friend because I assumed he was watching a friends dog for them. P then told me that he made a life choice without me and that he got me a dog so I wouldn’t be as depressed anymore. I literally thought he was joking. I crouched down to the dog’s level and saw just how horribly abused she was. Her eyes were blood shot and filled with panic. Her ribs were protruding out. Her fur was dull in color and missing patches of it. She was covered in fleas (which I didn’t notice until a few days later when I got her medication to treat them.). She couldn’t walk properly because she wouldn’t do anything but shiver non-stop. She didn’t like other dogs. She was afraid of all people. She was afraid of water. She was afraid of her own reflection when I put her in front of a mirror. She didn’t know how to play with toys or play with other dogs because she was abused to the point where she was afraid of other dogs and she didn’t know how. She was afraid of people kissing her forehead. When I would reach my hand out to pet her she would flinch and think I was going to hit her. She wouldn’t eat dog food because her old abusers didn’t buy it for her, instead she would only eat scraps of human foods like burgers and pizza, which were the same foods that would give her diarrhea and stomach issues because that’s all they fed her. They also didn’t want to pick up after her when she used the bathroom, so to scare her out of going they would rub her face/nose in her own feces everytime she would go as a way to “punish” her. It created such a fear of her using the bathroom that even after I got her away from them she would hold it for long periods of time and when she couldn’t hold it any longer and she would finally decide to go she would go squat in the grass, with her legs shaking, and look up at me with this terrified look on her face that said “Is…is…this ok?” It killed me inside to see a dog so afraid of the world. I had to get her a new harness right away because the one she came with was covered with blood because it was too tight on her and it was digging into her skin from her abusers pulling on her leash and dragging her around so much. I decided that in order to help her she needed love, change, and a new start, starting with her name, so before we even left the spot we got her at we changed her name to Poppy. We then went to go wait for our bus back to Capitol Hill. When we got on the bus Poppy started shaking harder than before and she looked full of panic. I picked up her fragile little body, took off my favorite hoodie at the time, wrapped her up in it and held her like a baby, petting her little deer head. She then looked up at me with a scared and exhausted look that said “Please don’t hurt me, I’ve already been though so much…” I then held her closer and told her “I’ll never let anyone hurt you again. I’ll love and care for you forever, I promise.” I have kept that promise to her since that day.
The point in my life I was at when I found Poppy often makes me question if she saved me more than I saved her. I was homeless, sleeping on the streets, and head under water deep in an IV heroin addiction. Just about every vein on my body was destroyed and I was shooting up in my neck every day to keep my withdrawals at bay. I was so miserable with my life, myself, and I felt like I had nothing to live for since my life revolved completely around the addiction that was destroying me. I just wanted to die because it felt like the only way to get out of addiction permanently. When I got Poppy she gave me something to live for and something to care about enough to put before my addiction. When I was on that bus with her after getting her I took the bus back to the drug den of a squat house I was living in at the time, grabbed all my belongings when I got there, and left because I knew it wouldn’t be a safe environment for Poppy to be in. Then I set out for where ever the world would take my little family of three next.
I then went to the store and got her everything she needed. Different types of food, a new harness, treats, hair brush, a sweater so she wouldn’t shiver so much with her missing fur patches and all, etc. I soon learned that she wouldn’t eat any dog food that I put in front of her and I was scared that she would starve. So I took her to Mud Bay and told them about the problem. They gave me this chicken powder to sprinkle on top of any dog food I wanted her to eat and it made everything I wanted her to eat taste like chicken. After getting the chicken powder and using it on her food she started eating dog food for the first time. She had some major stomach problems, so I had to pick all natural dog foods, read labels carefully, have planned meal times for her, and make sure she didn’t ground score any human foods off the ground. During this time of change she was throwing up and having diarrhea often since her body was getting use to the dog foods instead of human foods. The second day I had her she threw up all over my sleeping bag before bed, she got scared that I would “punish” her like her old abusers did, so she slid out of her harness, and she went tearing off down the street. I ran after her yelling her name trying to stop her, but she was too fast for me to catch her. Thankfully there was a person walking in the opposite direction that she was running in so they collided and the person picked her up and handed her back to me. I put her harness back on her, went to the pizza shop across the street to get some napkins to clean off the sleeping bag, cleaned it up, gave her some water to get the throw up taste out of her mouth, and then I cuddled her to sleep. Ever since the day I got her I was determined to help her recover and become the happy and healthy dog I knew she could be. P and I started taking her to the dog park on the hill so that she could learn how to socialize with other dogs. She’s was me 24/7 walking around Seattle, so she had to learn to break out of her shell and get use to people around her real quick. In the beginning things didn’t go so well. Because she was so disheveled looking from her abusers and lack of care previously people made a lot of rude comments about me “not taking care of the dog” and a lot of comments about how “ugly” people thought she was. I decided to keep the yarn knit sweater on her until her fur grew back and the whether got warmer and she got healthier so people wouldn’t comment on her fur and weight so much. She naturally has huge Dumbo ears, but because she was so underweight they looked even more disproportionate to her body at the time and people constantly made fun of them. This one guy came up to us, pointed at her and started yelling “Wow, what an ugly dog, just look at those ears! They’re so big! Look at those ears! Hahaha.” I noticed Poppy looked as if she was shrinking with fear. She was hunching her back, cowering, and shaking with her head down looking up at me with a sad look on her face. I told the guy to stop making fun of her and he still continued to do it, so I walked away. Reactions like this towards Poppy were a pretty regular occurrence at the time unfortunately. So I decided to walk away from any person who put her down, and only surrounded her with people who uplifted her and showed her love. I also started singing her songs about her/with her name in them. Two of the songs are actually about her ears. One goes “Pop-a-roo, Pop-a-roo, your ears they go flop-a-rooooo!” Another song talks about how the only thing bigger than her ears is her heart. I noticed she would lay on my lap relaxed with a little smirk on her face when I would sing her the songs about her.
I took her everywhere with me through out my day to day activities and soon enough she started to come out of her shell and she became more comfortable with people. She learned to read people well. If she likes someone she goes up to them, puts her front paws on their thigh, stretchs her body upward on their leg standing on her hind legs trying to say hello and make a new friend. If she doesn’t like someone she tries lunging at them doing her angry “boo woo woo” bark (it’s a work in progress). She only does that to people that give off a bad vibe. I trust her judgment of people more than everyone. She’s very protective of me and does everything she can to keep me safe just like I do for her. One time I was walking her in an alley way behind a restaurant and she started barking and trying to pull the leash in the opposite direction, less than two minutes later a shooting happened in that alley way. She warned me that something wasn’t right and she saved me from a bad situation.
Over time she grew a little bigger, stronger, and healthier. Her fur started growing back and gaining color to it and her ribs weren’t sticking out anymore. Her eyes looked a bright and healthy honey brown color. She got use to her meal plans, started eating healthy, normal portions, and got on stomach medication that she takes regularly to help with the stomach sensitivity and diarrhea. It took two rounds of flea medication and two hours a day hand picking fleas off of her until the medication started working and killed all the fleas off of her. The area where her old harness that dug into her skin was at healed up and she doesn’t have blood or scabbed up skin there anymore. She gained the weight she needed to and as of January 2018 she weights 25 pounds, a healthy weight for a medium sized dog on the smaller end of the medium spectrum (28 pounds as of 2021). She loves forehead kisses now instead of shaking in fear any time I try to give her one. Instead of shaking with fear thinking I’m going to hit her anytime I raise my hand above her head to pet her she knows I’m just petting her and trying to show her love. In the last year she has had many accomplishments for a dog that came from abuse only a year ago. Her picture made it on the front page online of Capitol Hill Dogs website. She won a Christmas contest at a pet store and as a reward got a gift card to the pet store and her picture in their Christmas flier modeling their puppy Christmas sweaters. She rescued two newborn pit bull puppies that didn’t even have their eyes open yet out of a dumpster around Thanksgiving in 2017 (they both have a good home with a loving owner in California now) because she was able to smell them in there and howl and scratch at the dumpster until I looked inside of it. She was in an article in a world wide known newspaper, The Guardian, in 2018. She came second in a Halloween costume contest in 2019. She graduated level 1 of her training classes in 2020, and started level 2 in 2020. She made it in The World’s Most Interesting Pet’s Coloring Book, the adult and the children’s version in 2021. As well as other activities I can’t think off of the top of my head. Unfortunately she only has a handful of dogs that she’s good friends with and she still struggles with lunging at dogs that walk by her on the sidewalk. She’s also still afraid of her own feces because her abusers use to shove her face in it (as of 2021 she no longer does this). To this day the second she’s done pooping she runs away from it right after she’s done and won’t step near it afterwards. She’s gotten much better at playing with toys, but she’s not super fond of them, she’s more of a food girl lol (as of 2021 she does have a favorite toy called “purple dog”, a purple loofa dog stuffie that she carries around home with her that she licks and cuddles, and as of 2022 she loves her “blue dog” too) Those some of those things are still a work in progress for her that I try to work on with her every day.
I don’t know when her actual birthday is, but since today is the day I adopted her a year ago (5 years ago) I decided today is going to be the day that we celebrate her 2nd (6th) birthday.
My little doe, may you run the park freely today and make lots of friends, may you pick out toys and treats that bring you joy, may everyone you come into contact with treat you like the angel that you are. I’m more than proud of your accomplishments, you have come so far in the last year (5 years). I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together and watch you learn and grow. Thank you for teaching me more about patience, unconditional love, and myself. Even more so, thank you for saving me from a self-destructive lifestyle and for giving me something to live for and something to love. And to my higher power, thank you for sending me a guardian angel that I can see before my eyes. Here’s to our first year (5th year) together and to many more years to come. I love you always my Little Doe.
Hey everyone! I just added some new items to my online shop. Feel free to take a look around, I appreciate every purchase, especially since it helps support my dog and I. I have several Squishmallows, Hydro Flasks, Vintage Victoria’s Secret items, and much more! The link is below.
Feeling lucky? Treat yourself to my St.Patrick’s Day content sale! (Sale goes until the 23rd) Sale applies to my premium snap and custom content as well. Message me for details.
Hey everyone, I hope ya’ll are feeling lucky again this year, because I have another St. Patrick’s Day sale going on this year for this week only! My info to reach me is above!
For those of you that would like to help support me, I sell items like Lululemon, golf balls, Hydro Flasks, Squishmallows, vintage lingerie, cute clothing and other items on my Mercari page. All items come with a hand written thank you note. The link is below if you would like to check it out or help support my small business. I have hundreds of 5 star reviews.
I just added more Hydro Flasks to my Mercari tonight and some more high end clothing! Feel free to take a look or purchase something. I could really use the support right now.
Hey guys! I just added more cool thrifted clothing pieces, Hydro Flasks, Squishmallows, and so much more, including a super cool Prairie Underground cloak jacket that needs a new home! Head over to my Mercari page to purchase something or take a look around! ❤
I just added a bunch more things to my Mercari last night! Feel free to stop by, take a look around, or purchase something to help support me and my small business.
I unintentionally put my emotional stability in your hands. A change of plans could leave me crying and mentally fixating on it for the rest of the day or until I see them again. I count down the days until they finally hold me and give me physical affection again. But I don’t show them that. I’ve been lacking intimate connection in my personal life for so long, I don’t know what to do with all these emotions. I know emotionally that isn’t good for me, but I continue anyways. Because when I’m around them I finally feel something like this again for the first time in 6+ years. How good they make me feel out weighs how depressed I feel when I’m alone. I really am in the lows of highs right now. The cycle of being addicted to a person. Or at least how that person makes you feel. I wanted to feel something again, but man this feels heavy. I feel like I did as a teenager. I never thought I’d feel this way again.
Is wearing a tight pink Ariana Grande t-shirt that says nothing but “Break Up With Your Girlfriend” across the front around your crush the move? Asking for a friend
Still making content! If any of you are interested in my premium snap, photosets or videos I have, videos of me using, or custom pictures or videos feel free to shoot me a message letting me know what you’re wanting. My CashApp is https://cash.app/$sleepygirl22
I’m so sad/annoyed. So I’ve been in the process of making plans with someone to shoot content this upcoming Monday. We’ve talked about it for a long time. The communication was going well and very straight forward. Then out of nowhere they start sending me messages saying how excited they are, and then said they were going to take their phone out and record me. I’ve already told them that we can record the content on my phone and that they can have a copy of whatever content we make together, that after we film that I would send it to them right then and there when we get done. So it seems super weird that they would mention this out of the blue. So since I wanted to keep things light hearted and not start an argument I’m like “Yeah I have this selfie stick that makes it easy to film content from any angle. I’ll bring it along and we can hook my phone up to it to record videos and take photos with :)” after I said that they were like “Oh, I don’t really want to deal with all that equipment, can we save that for next time? I kinda just wanted to take a personal video of you.” Uhhh what? What’s with the changing plans last minute when we’ve talked about this several times before and everything seemed fine? “All that equipment” is literally the same thing as you holding a phone to record me only a selfie stick is attached to the phone. It just seems like they just want to hook up and turn it into a situation where only they benefit from it? Which is so odd since they’ve told me they want to make content so many times for years now. Like why are they doing this now especially since having content together would still be a benefit to them? They would still have a copy they could watch whenever. I’ve never given them any reason to think that I wouldn’t send them the content if it’s recorded on my phone. They know this is a big part of my income. They constantly say how they “support my work” that my “content is great”, that “I’m worth the money for it”. So why does it seem like they’re trying to fuck me over in this way now? I feel so sad. Things use to be so different between us. I wish I could go back in time to how things were a while back. I’m just really hitting this super in my face realization that things will never be the way they use to be again as long as they’re more “committed” to this other person. I don’t want to be the secret or the sneaky link. I want to fucking matter to someone for something other than just sexual things. It’s sad when I have clients that treat me better than this. Unfortunately it’s not like that would work out either because most of them are married/committed too. This is why I keep work and my personal feelings separate. Thank God I caught this before actually meeting up with them. If I’m going to make content it has to be with people that are willing to and know how to take this sort of thing seriously. You can still hook up, record it and still have fun together. That’s the page I thought we were originally on. We use to talk about that. Taking pictures, hooking up/recording it for content, talking, laughing, joking around, laying down together and eating some food after. That’s the way they put it before. I wish things could be like that so badly. My heart hurts.
It’s really awkward walking past so many cars as I’m walking miles in the rain. It’s like a constant reminder that so many women wouldn’t tolerate this but I have to until I have that need met. Girls shouldn’t have to walk miles in the rain getting soaked just to get to our destination. No one should. I bust my ass just to have the resources I do have but I still feel so behind. I can’t wait til I have my license and a vehicle to get around where ever I need to. I’ve had so many people say things to me like “You deserve better, you deserve to be taken care of. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like you. So many people would love to make sure you’re taken care of.” I just hope one day a miracle like that happens where I don’t have to worry about any of my needs anymore, or that I’m able to provide everything I need on my own. I’m thankful for the clients that do help me out, but lately everything is getting more expensive and it’s effecting my work life too. Some days I’m scraping by. If anyone would like to buy content, purchase something from my Mercari, or help out because you’d like to my CashApp is $sleepygirl22 and my Venmo is Heather-Vexx . I know times are though for a lot of people right now, it’s hard living in a world so over run by capitalism. I wish nothing but the best for all of you as well.
Man sometimes I’m like “Wow, finally a somewhat stable life maybe I’ll actually be able to afford to make my dreams come true if I keep working hard as a SWer.” Other days I’m like “My PH balance is off today and I want to go home.” Anyone else relate?
Man my heart hurts. So for over 11 years now I’ve had this ex of mine and we have a lot of history. We started dating shortly after I turned 15. Let’s call them J. They’re the only person I’ve had this strong of an attachment to. It would take me so damn long to explain our laundry list of history, but it goes back to the beginning of 2011. Well, long story short they’ve had a girlfriend the last few years, but they message me fairly often saying they’re unhappy with them, venting to me about all the things they wish were different in their relationship, often comparing us saying how much they miss me, even going as far as wanting to make plans to meet up. They live over an hour car drive/2 hour+ bus ride away from me according to Google, so I’ve never followed through with it. The idea of hooking up with someone while they have a partner who’s back they’re going behind makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to do that to someone, especially since in this case I would know a head of time. But for some reason sometimes my selfish side kicks in and when I’m feeling lonely my brain tells me to go back to them, message them, maybe actually follow through and meet up with them. I never feel like this. I’m a very realistic person, I think about what’s going to happen before I do things. I don’t do hook ups for free, and that plus the girlfriend and the distance are the 3 things that have stopped me from going through with meeting up with and hooking up with J again when I’m lonely. I’ve been having dreams about J a lot lately. I had another one last night that was pretty intense. Then a couple hours ago I wake up, thinking about the dream, I check J’s Facebook page and come to find out that J got married very recently. It makes my heart hurt. It makes me wonder why marry someone if the things I’m told in our messages are true? I have so many mixed confusing feelings right now. Part of me wants to sabotage things. Message him, connect with him, meet up and do dirty ass shit together to the point where he’ll keep thinking of me and wanting me. Another part of me feels like this is the end us for good and makes me distance myself incase he’s actually as committed as he looks legally. Either way it’s going to hurt me. It already is. Which is making it even harder for me to not message them. My brain thinks “You’re going to get hurt either way, might as well feel good for a minute right? Why not connect with someone sexually just for the purpose of enjoying yourself for once? You deserve it!” I feel like I’m fighting my brain not to make a bad choice. J is the only person of the opposite gender that I’ve ever connected with romantically, emotionally and sexually. The only partner I’ve had that I felt I could be so myself around. I really thought I would be over them after 11 years. Most of the time I ignore it, go about my day to day life, but in my moments of loneliness I think of them. Sometimes I wonder if I’m this attached to them because I lost my virginity to them years ago at 15, because I’ve never really connected with the majority of my other sexual partners, except some of the female ones. Another part of me wonders if the intense feelings I’m feeling are actual love or just a strong sexual attraction because the sex with J was great. I wonder if J is my “the one that got away”? J is basically the only guy I’ve ever felt this way about and the only guy I’d even consider hooking up with simply because I want to without financial gain involved. I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I never talk about J. I haven’t allowed myself to let romantic feelings cloud my judgment in years now. But it’s also made me feel very lonely inside. I don’t know what I was thinking. I kind of thought J and his now wife would’ve split up at some point and that we would end up back together again. I don’t know. Has anyone else gone through something like this? If so how did you handle it?
Came across some old videos from when my sister and I were younger and watching them makes me so sad. The favoritism towards my sister was apparent even from the time she was 1 year old. There’s many instances where other people are playing and having fun and I’m sad and alone on the sidelines. As a kid my little “ADD quirks” were much more apparent back then, especially before first grade before I was forced on the medication that ultimately took away so much of my childhood. It seems like my younger sister is the “normal” child my mom always wanted, while I came with more challenges I didn’t ask for. I so often wish I was more “normal”. I find myself “masking” in social situations, basically dressing, talking like, acting like how I need to to fit into the social situation (as a super young child I didn’t know how to do this yet). But when I do this it doesn’t feel totally authentic to who I really am. I would laugh more, joke more, talk more once I’m comfortable, tell stories that people can picture in their heads, jump from subject to subject while going back to the subject to finish what I’m talking about because something reminded me of something else so I have to back track. Having ADD has so many challenges society doesn’t talk about. Especially as an adult not on medication for my ADD anymore. It’s not just a “little trouble concentrating”. I often don’t feel like an adult. I often wish I could be a kid again except have a childhood not forced on drugs I didn’t consent to (and that I explicitly kept saying made me feel awful physically and were causing kids to make fun of me for being so quiet). Fuck, I just wish I could be neurotypical so I could make my life and every one around me’s life easier.
