2021 was simultaneously the best year of my life and one of the worst.
On May 10th I was immobilised by an infection in my leg, after two weeks in bed unable to even turn over, soiling myself and in the worst pain of my life, I finally decided to face my old hospital trauma and go to the hospital. After days of not even knowing what was wrong with me, or knowing if I would ever walk again, they finally found the problem and started trying to treat it. A week later I could limp slowly around with a walker but the pain wouldn’t go away for months. Not even oxycodone worked to lessen the pain so all I could do was deal with it, every day, non stop. As the pain lessened, the world seemed brighter. My trauma from 2014 was in my past and I had finally faced my fears, far from completely better but finally able to hear the word shot or needle or IV without crying. Not even a year before I admitted to my therapist I would rather die than go to hospital again. And even though my recent trip to the hospital was so much worse than the one before, I’m a different person now, and this time my experience only made me stronger.
I don’t draw much on this account but I’ve been drawing commissions nearly every day this year when I wasn’t in immense pain. Even before my infection, therapy had brought me into the least depressive state I’ve ever been.
So there’s my 2021 story, I tried my best to draw for this blog as much as possible but it was another not so productive year on this front. I’m working on world building my fantasy world, but I’m not sure where it will go, maybe it’ll become a comic? Or an illustrated book? I just hope you’re all willing to stick with me to find out.
DO NOT REPOST THIS COMIC. IF YOU WANT TO SHARE IT, PLEASE DO SO FROM THE SOURCE.
Here is my submission for @zakeno’sMental Health Zine to help fight stigma in the professional field. My contribution is about my experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is sadly highly stigmatized and misunderstood, even within the mental health field (despite there being tons of concrete research to support it). Coming out about having DID is a thing that makes me very nervous, admittedly, but I want people to know that Dissociative Identity Disorder is very real and we deserve to be acknowledged and not feel like our existence has to be hidden or shameful.
Since I was limited to 5 pages for this specific project, this is only the very bare bones introduction to DID, and there is easily a million more things that can be talked about in how it presents and affects people individually, but hopefully this is a comprehensive introduction based on my personal experiences.
Even though this is only 5 pages, it was one of the most difficult projects we have done and took a few months because trying to get everyone as an alter to contribute when they were fronting to show our range in skills was a waiting game. Sadly, we were running out of time so sort of just had to have whoever was out at the end finish it (which was mostly Devyn).
Like briefly talked about in the comic, DID forms in response to repeated childhood trauma (generally by ages 6-9) when failing to integrate a singular sense of self is needed for survival. This failure to integrate experiences, memories, etc. leads to these self states being able to function independently from each other and control the body at different times with varying levels of amnesia between switches. As time goes on, the more each part experiences different aspects of day to day life, the more and more differentiated and developed they can become from each other. Even though alters can be highly distinct and can function as if they were individual people (and boy can it feel that way on top of a lot of us preferring to be acknowledged as separate from each other in our body), the reason it’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder and no longer goes by its outdated name, Multiple Personality Disorder, is because alters aren’t actual separate fully-fledged personalities, but instead a single individual’s life and experiences split up from each other in a bunch of dissociated self states.
If anyone is interested in knowing more about DID, I always recommend this website as a great source: http://did-research.org/
Spoilers: No people with DID don’t have secret killer alters and are no more dangerous than literally any other person. DID is a defense mechanism/way you develop to navigate your environment, and for us specifically, we continued to be victims of abuse and mistreatment even until recently due to our amnesia and lack of awareness hiding the knowledge when people were harming us.
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month, everyone!
I love this so much! Though we mostly only have partial amnesia, I relate so much to this.
Some information about Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), very common in autism. It’s very common to sometimes go between hyper and hypo sensitives, depending on energy and safety.
Mobile may have to select image to see better.
Oh look, it me.
More signs: (based off of my personal experience and my sister’s and mom’s experiences)
Auditory hyposensitivity: has trouble differenciating different noises at similar volunmes, can’t tell what people are saying when there is background noise, can’t place which direction a sound is coming from
Auditory hypersensitivity: certain pitches or specific sounds cause pain or discomfort, even at lower volumes
Visual hypersensitivity: difficulty or inability to look at or near bright lights, needing sunglasses even on mostly cloudy days, negative reactions to strobe lights, sirens, flickering lights, ect.
Tactile hyposensitivity: finding cuts and bruises you don’t remember getting
Tactile hypersensitivity: negative reactions to light touch, certain types of clothing (fabric textures, seams, or locations on the body, ect.) cause pain or discomfort, negative reactions to being touched on certain parts of the body for no other discernible reason, not being able to eat certain foods due to their texture
Olfactory/gustation hypersensitivity: pain or discomfort from strong or specific smells/tastes, having to leave the room because of a smell, getting headaches, nausea, anxiety, or panic attacks from certain smells/tastes, being an extremely picky eater into adulthood, you need to use a specific brand of water, toothpaste, soap, ect. because the smell/taste is wrong in other brands despite being the same flavor/scent
In general: you stim, a certain stimulus bothers you much more than it does others, causes pain or discomfort, or overwhelms you without being a trauma trigger or something similar
It’s Ace Awareness Week so let’s talk about some things that happen(ed to me) as an asexual survivor!!!
not realising how affected you are till you try and enter a relationship with a new person and suddenly everything is different
boundaries go UP
once okay-go or maybe-go areas become complete no-go do-not-touch flashback-triggering zones
sexual repulsion? oh hi, nice to meet you completely new facet of asexuality
boundaries go UP and then sometimes DOWN AGAIN but not usually all the way
even make-outs and vanilla intimacy needs aftercare
kissing with your eyes open now because otherwise you forget who it is and maybe it’s That Person
boundaries go oh no we’re fine WAIT SUDDENLY WE ARE NOT
developing a whole language of consent and checking with your partner because otherwise there’s no way they could do anything without asking first. your own code of quick looks and near-touches and wordless, cautious suggestions
what sexuality you do have??? ruined forever
other people getting into it and being noticeable turned on makes The Fear begin because rape culture taught you that’s why rape happens
half the resources there to help you are too busy steepling their hands and sighing “mmmm but you’re not a real ace™ though”
the special hell that is a trauma-based kink (e.g. noncon, roughness) being the only thing that gets you going
unfairly blaming yourself for being unable to give your partner what they thought they were getting even if you made it clear you were ace
talking the talk when you’re flirting but being physically incapable of walking the walk because once you’re in that situation it’s Too Real
unable to go to pride events to celebrate your asexuality because it’s all so. fucking. sexual.
This is very much a work in progress, so feel free to recommend additional links/resources/categories!
In general, it is best to assume that all of these have trigger warnings for sexual violence attached. Many (but not all of them) have additional trigger warnings listed at the top. Proceed with caution and respect your triggers!
Basic information on asexuality and sexual violence
The Twisted Logic Used for Traumaby@captainheartless is about how asexuality is taken as an indication of trauma, and asexual people (especially those who have been traumatized) are expected to search for their “real” selves.
Supportive Words for the Gray Areas by Coyote is about how to affirm people’s experiences and feelings even when they won’t or don’t want to refer to what happened to them as rape or sexual assault.
Disingenuous, “shallow” support by Elizabeth is about how passively supporting survivors isn’t enough and abuse can even come from in-group members (such as other aces).
Here goes everythingby@queenieofaces is about the way that ace survivors’ narratives are utilized for specific political means in ace communities, while survivors themselves are ignored and silenced.
Ace Survivors as Rhetorical Devices seriesby@queenieofaces is a step-by-step guide to how ace survivors are utilized in political arguments, and suggestions for how to talk about ace survivors in a sensitive, non-exploitative manner.
Why It’s Okay to Refuse Therapy by Stormy is about how avoiding therapy can be healing, especially given the difficulty in obtaining proper care if you belong to a marginalized group.
tbh in general there’s a lot of writing about depression which talks about recovery as a form of reclamation, like there’s this ur-personality that exists inside you that thru the power of kale/this $14.99 audiobook you’ll rediscover
I think for those of us who’ve suffered traumatic events or abuse in childhood, that can be pretty alienating bc there is no golden ‘before’ period to reclaim, but even more than that I dont think it’s apt for anyone with depression
if there is such a thing as genuine recovery, then that process by necessity renders you an entirely different person from who you were before, w a knowledge of sadness you didn’t have previously. nobody reclaims what they were before depression, if indeed there was a before
I think focusing on reclamation is a mistake and makes people feel like failures for not being some mythical version of themselves. the focus should be on building something new & syncretic, not fruitlessly attempting to wipe yourself clean of experiences that are fundamentally indelible
there is no golden ‘before’
I’m gonna cry because no one ever gets that, thank you for giving me more apt words to describe what that means rather than just telling someone “I don’t remember before anymore” because they insist there’s a golden period to reclaim and will accept that I don’t remember it easier than they’ll accept that there was never was one
