#actuallyasexual
Other people have probably written about this, but the intersections between neurodivergency and being aro/ace have been on my mind a lot since I found out I’m neurodivergent. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about how the different types of discrimination I face play into each other.
I’ve been infantilised for pretty much my whole life because of my neurodivergency. The way I tend to act, and the things I tend to struggle with, mean I get treated like a weird excitable kid who doesn’t understand how the world works. The fact that I’m also aromantic and asexual is viewed just another facet of this “immaturity”. So the idea goes: of course Iwouldn’t be interested in romance and sex. How could I even understand such adult topics? I’m just a kid who gets distracted by butterflies and likes to infodump about history. Isn’t my innocence so endearing?
Instead of my orientation being taken seriously, it’s belittled and taken as a confirmation that I’m just childish and strange. This has led, on several occasions, to people assuming it’s just a symptom of my neurodivergency that needs to be medically addressed.** Aromantic and asexual people already face excessive questioning about our orientations and get told the cause must be [insert diagnosis or symptom of diagnosis here]; being neurodivergent makes this exponentially worse, because the underlying assumption is that I can’t have the agency or the self-knowledge to identify this way. After all, I’m just a weird kid, aren’t I? I need other (read: neurotypical and allo) people to explain everything, even my own experiences, to me.
This infantilisation made it particularly hard for me to come to terms with my orientation, because I didn’t want to prove everyone that they were right. For years, I pushed back against the way I’d been treated by seeking out the one thing that would make me an adult in others’ eyes - a romantic and sexual relationship. It hurt to realise I didn’t actually want that deep down. It felt like being told I really was that weird kid, tolerated but ultimately babied. It’s taken a lot of work to accept that the way I am doesn’t make me any less mature and deserving of respect.
There isn’t really a conclusion to this - mostly I wanted to post about my experiences as someone who is both neurodivergent and aroace, and the issues I’ve faced because of it. If any other aro/ace neurodivergent people would like to add to this or share their own perspective, I’d love to hear it.
**A lot of neurodivergent people do consider their experiences of attraction to be linked to their neurodivergency, and that’s obviously cool and valid. That’s not what I’m talking about here. My point is the systematic pathologisation of aromanticism and asexuality and the denial of my ability to define myself.
This is (perhaps unfortunately) a very relateable experience. It’s not something I really accepted personally until recently, but in hindsight, many of my interpersonal conflicts stem from others misreading my neurodivergence. My arospec and acespec experiences are furthermore dismissed because they are assumed to be part of my neurodivergence.
It’s definitely hurtful, especially because (for me) some of my beliefs about relationships maybe influenced by my neurodivergence. Parts of how I experience my identity are probably tied into my neurodivergence. And other parts of it seem entirely separate. I think those are both valid experiences, but both of them are belittled for different reasons.
Thank you for sharing this; I’m glad I came across it and had the spoons to add on. (Hopefully that’s all right - I can always make my own post.)
Making it increasingly hard for trans and “non-straight” aspec people to get access to resources and aid for their aspec-specific issues in safe spaces does nothelp them.
By fighting to exclude ace/aro people y’all have only made it more difficult for us “lgbt aces/aros” to actually have easy access to aspec resources in LGBTQ+ safe spaces. Most safe spaces would only provide aspec resources if aspec people were included, and the only safe spaces I’ve gone to that actually have aspec information or resources have been inclusionist spaces. No exclusionist spaces I’ve seen have actually provided any, and “why don’t you make them outside of lgbtq+ spaces” doesn’t work because I need my aspec safe spaces to be lgbtq+ safe, because I’m not straight or cis and my bi-ness and transness is incredibly intertwined with my aspec identity.
If y’all will neither: 1, believe “lgbt aces/aros” when we say some of us might actually, desperately need aspec-specific resources and aid, and 2, help us receive that aid and fight for its inclusion in LGBTQ+ spaces, then you’re not an ally to “lgbt aces/aros” and you never have been.
Lovelies, if you are able, then show your pride! You deserve to participate(if you choose to do so) just as much as any other LGBT+ orientation and identity! Let’s also show some pride and support for those of us who would like to participate, but are unable to do so for any reason, and let them know that they will not go unrecognized.
And How to Respond to Them
Using aro-spec / ace-spec identities to sideline characters in a story, isn’t the kind of representation aro-spec / ace-spec people want. This is quite often done to remove the character as a relationship option or to shift focus on characters who are not aro-spec / ace-spec. In doing so, people are basically confirming that the kinds of relationships we form are less important. They are also confirming that our existence is less important. Our stories are less important. How our aro-ness or ace-ness intersects with other experiences is less important. That is a problem for us.
What is not a problem for us, is when aro-spec / ace-spec people choose to see themselves in characters whose experiences are similar to their own. There is a big difference between us interpreting characters as such, and people who are not us interpreting characters as such in a faux-support move. We are invested in the characters being representative of us. We do not see our identity as a simple plot device. The addition of our identity to a character does not take anything about them away. It adds nuance to that character. There’s nothing wrong with that. At all.
I can understand people being upset and resistant to anyone erasing one part of a character’s canon identity in order to include a headcanoned identity. However, this happens to many different characters of different identities. I have seen this often happen to non-binary or non-binary coded characters, who are interpreted as strictly binary by fans. I have seen the very very few aro-spec and ace-spec characters we have erased by fans, who don’t care about how being aro-spec or ace-spec would play out in a relationship. So, it happens to everybody, but I’ve only seen aro-spec / ace-spec folks yelled at for doing it.
Point is, don’t be fake about your support. Don’t use aro-spec / ace-spec people as pawns in your fandoms. If you’re going to represent us, do it because you want to represent us. Not so you can write us off. Also, don’t punish aro-spec / ace-spec people for actually being invested in their representation. We are not the problem. Wanting to see ourselves in fiction is not the problem. Being aro-spec or ace-spec shouldn’t be treated like a punishment. When you address people using aro-spec / ace-spec identities to sideline characters, maybe don’t alienate actual aro-spec / ace-spec people when you address it.
If, in fact, you find people using our identities dishonestly, that is not the time to reinforce the idea that aro-spec / ace-spec identities are a punishment. That is not the time to alienate aro-spec / ace-spec people, by explaining how not aro-spec or ace-spec a character is as if being aro-spec / ace-spec is abnormal. The best thing to do is ask someone why they interpret someone as aro-spec / ace-spec. Why is it that this interpretation is being revealed while the character is being treated as less important or less valuable to a relationship? It is not a bad thing to be us. It is a bad thing to use us to treat others as less-than.
so I dunno if you guys have heard about Imzy, that social media platform what is still in beta? I got an invite from a friend and am currently poking around, and guys it’s awesome esp. if you are a text loving curmudgeon such as myself or if you yearn for the days of livejournal. (It actually also handles graphics and a tumblr-style dash very well, has a very large and quickly growing fandom presence, and wonder of wonders it has nested comments. but you know, I’m a curmudgeon.)
This is definitely a site which is aiming to be something like tumblr and appeal to tumblr’s users, but which is also trying to do things better and structure a community which isn’t as prone to harassment and toxic dynamics as Tumblr is. It is real good for discussions and for community building. I am delighted. There’s even aspects that make moderating communities easier there. Default is that communities are only visible to Imzy members.
Anyway, I set up Asexuality Imzy over there on the principle that if you build it, the people will often come. If you’re interested in chatting ace stuff with me or even if you want to just check stuff out, DM me an email address and I’ll send you an invite. I have three left!
A selection of posts from RFAS’s recommended reading list, plus a few extras. See also @resourcesforacesurvivors‘s #for supporters tag, as well as the education category on our website.
This is very much a work in progress, so feel free to recommend additional links/resources/categories!
In general, it is best to assume that all of these have trigger warnings for sexual violence attached. Many (but not all of them) have additional trigger warnings listed at the top. Proceed with caution and respect your triggers!
Basic information on asexuality and sexual violence
The Twisted Logic Used for Traumaby@captainheartless is about how asexuality is taken as an indication of trauma, and asexual people (especially those who have been traumatized) are expected to search for their “real” selves.
On Sexual Abuse, Repulsion, and Aversion in the Asexual Communityby@rainbow-after-the-stormy addresses the idea of trauma shaping identity (including sex-aversion/sex-repulsion), and ultimately rejects the idea that an identity influenced by trauma is “fake.”
Challenges faced by asexual spectrum survivors of sexual violenceby@queenieofaces is what it says on the tin.
For friends and family
Stop bringing up sexual assault to dismiss asexuality!by@swankivy
Pro-tips for interacting with Rape/Sexual Assault/Sexual Abuse Survivors by @buxombibliophile
How to Be an Ally to People with PTSD by Lydia Brown
“That totally happened to me, too!”: The Urge to Relate by Miri
How Not to Say the Wrong Thing by Susan Silk is about “comfort IN, dump OUT.”
Avoiding Awkward: A conversation about how we talk about rape when we talk to survivors by SCAR
Supportive Words for the Gray Areas by Coyote is about how to affirm people’s experiences and feelings even when they won’t or don’t want to refer to what happened to them as rape or sexual assault.
Why Triggering Someone Is Not Therapeuticby@shulamithbond
On friendships, part 1: feeling I am not entitled to friendship, and I am a burden by Elizabeth is a personal narrative about the difficulty the author has had getting support from friends as an ace survivor.
For activists and ace community leaders
Things supporters can do to actively make ace spaces more welcoming for ace survivors of sexual violenceby@queenieofaces
Disingenuous, “shallow” support by Elizabeth is about how passively supporting survivors isn’t enough and abuse can even come from in-group members (such as other aces).
Here goes everythingby@queenieofaces is about the way that ace survivors’ narratives are utilized for specific political means in ace communities, while survivors themselves are ignored and silenced.
A revolution for the crooked soulsby@lemonyandbeatrice is about the ways in which the Unassailable Asexual and the Model Rape Survivor intersect.
Responsible Sharing: When to Avoid Linking a Survivor’s Story by Elizabeth is what it says on the tin.
Ace Survivors as Rhetorical Devices seriesby@queenieofaces is a step-by-step guide to how ace survivors are utilized in political arguments, and suggestions for how to talk about ace survivors in a sensitive, non-exploitative manner.
For ace advice blogs
Basic Resources for Ace Advice Blogs and Examples of Bad Ace Advice by Coyote
Please give survivor-competent ace advice!by@queenieofaces
“Is this abuse?”: A Guide for Aces and 5 Tips for Identifying and Handling Abuse as an Advice Blog Mod by Coyote
For health professionals
Asexuality Basics for Health Care Professionals Printable Info Sheet by RFAS (en Español)
Advice for Therapists of Asexual Clients by Coyote
Why It’s Okay to Refuse Therapy by Stormy is about how avoiding therapy can be healing, especially given the difficulty in obtaining proper care if you belong to a marginalized group.
See also this collection of posts on asexuality and mental health.
