#visual surviving

Fortified

As humans we are more resilient that we look. Our physical body can endure much change and pain. We are fortified to endure and survive. It’s frightening really because when challenged it is our physical body that makes the decision to endure the storm. Our mind is the center of our being and it commands everything our body does. It’s like the center of a bridge. When the winds are high the bridge moves with it, but it always starts from the middle, the strongest point. The body reacts the same way as it is invaded it sways to prevent any further damage. People with cancer must learn to endure the storm within their body. There are so many changes that we will go through and the storms we will have to battle. But, if we stay positive and fortify our minds, our bodies will follow suit. I know it’s hard, yet it will be worth it when you’re told that the cancer is gone. No matter how long the fight – stay strong and hold on. The storm will pass.

Contempt

I had never experienced the feeling of contempt until I was diagnosed with cancer. Anger flowed through me like a ragging river. I was allowed to roam but not far because of treatments. Chemo treatments kept me from going and doing a lot of things. I was house bound. I was sick and had to sleep a lot. They made me feel terrible. I was a strong person so I knew I could endure the possibilities of life or death, but I wanted to be free. I was so independent and able to do whatever I wanted. I had strength, security, and space. Now I feel like I am chained to my treatments and they hold me back. I want to be released so I can once more fly free and have the opportunity to live my life. Again, I am angry because I feel my life is now owned by something else where my choices are made for me. Will I ever be released? Will I be free once more? Will I be able to live my life the way I want to? These are my concerns and they are also what keep me contempt.

Hopeful

I have had a battle learning how to cope with life and life with cancer. It’s very difficult to see the beauty in the world around you. We focus on the pain, the misery, and the torment of cancer itself. What we don’t see is that life is still blooming and hopeful. Even a cactus can show beauty. Cancer is the same, it has its many thorns, but we can bloom and show our own beauty. We must learn to grow along side the cancer and fight. Cancer doesn’t define who we are, but inner beauty does. To remain positive through the stings in life we must find the inner peace and show the world that we are strong. Only a small piece of hope is enough to help us fight every step of the way. Just consider cancer to be a stepping stone to a new and brighter future. One that you will enjoy to the fullest and be thankful to be alive. Let yourself bloom into who it is that you want to be.

Upset

One of the worst things that cancer took away from me was my shoes. I ended up with severe nerve damage in my left leg. I couldn’t ware shoes for a long time. I loved my heals. I wore them everyday and had a pair for each outfit. I had been an office manager and loved to dress up. Now I wear what is comfortable, like sweat pants and t-shirts. It took a good two years before I could put on a pair of low heals, yet, I still had a hard time walking in them. So now I resort to flats and tennis shoes. Cancer changed my entire look and style. I was upset for a long time. I had even given away all my outfits because of all the weight loss. I had so many beautiful clothes. I see friends and family wearing them and it makes me sad. I only wish that I had my look back. Though I know I am still beautiful, I find myself wanting. However, I know that I need to accept myself for whom I am now and once again learn to be comfortable with myself. Things change and so have I.

Depression

Before chemo – I was beautiful! I had long hair and a plump gentle smile. Fourteen days after my first chemo treatment, my hair started to fall out. I had called my Dad and he came over with a pair of hair shears to shave my head. While I sat there he shaved off all of my hair. I didn’t show any emotion, but I knew my beauty was gone. I already had three wigs ready to wear but it wasn’t the same as having your own hair. Finally, I looked into the mirror. What I saw was a beautiful ugly person starring back at me. It’s hard to explain but my vanity turned into a depression.  I knew my looks would never be the same. After treatments my hair grew back in, but I had decided to wear it short just incase my remission was reversed. I do like my new look, but it is not the same. Now I am sporting a look I would never have had. Cancer took away my natural beauty, but life replaced it.

Temperamental

When I was first told that I had cancer – the word didn’t register. I sat there listening to the doctor and thinking to myself, “Who is he talking about?” There was no way he had been talking about me because I was living my life right. I went to the gym every morning, had been eating good foods, and took good care of my appearance. Yet, he was telling me that I was in stage 3, boarder line stage 4 cancer. I didn’t want to believe him, so his words were null and void as far as I was concerned. Everyone around me was upset and showing great concerncan Again, I thought to myself, “What is their problem?” I had been in the hospital for two weeks before my diagnosis, not knowing what was wrong, but it couldn’t be cancer – it just couldn’t!  The next day the doctor came in to see me and make sure I understood what my treatment options would be. Then it hit me, he was telling me that I had cancer! I just sat there in disbelief. It couldn’t be – not me!

Uncertain

Heaviness, anguish, despair, disfiguration, revulsion, anger, and hatred. These were all the emotions I felt when I heard the word “Cancer.” I was uncertain exactly how it would affect me or life. What kind of destruction was in its wake? It was a heavy anchor to bear. And it was mine alone. I had many family members that were there to help, but friends left m. It made me feel like I was contagious and it hurt. I was carrying such a heavy load. I didn’t want my family to suffer, so I would put on a front as if everything was okay. Yet, on the inside I was contemplating many things. I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to go through the chemo treatments. I didn’t know what the chances were if I didn’t. I just wanted to wake up and have it all be a bad nightmare. Yet, I was anchored to this cancer that wanted to stop my life. I knew the consequences, but I didn’t want to face the reality. No one likes uncertainty.

Worried

Life is like a journey upon the sea. At times there are waves that will knock you around, other times the waters will be calm and everything seems to fit in nicely. However, when you’re anchored – you don’t know what to do. Cancer is that anchor, it stops all life as you know it and leaves you waiting. Being patient is not apart of my vocabulary so you can only imagine that when I was told I had cancer what devastation it brought. I was a ship stuck on land, worried if I would ever feel the cool waters against my body once more. I was worried about the heaviness cancer brought not just to me, but to my entire family. We all had to wait. My life, my dreams, my destiny were put into the hands of others. They controlled my every movement. I was no longer free to explore the open spaces of my life. I was confined to a chair and tubes that where administering hope to my body. All I could do was to wait for my tide to come in.

Uneasiness

After my final chemo treatment, I realized I had a waiting period. This time was to make sure the treatments had been either successful or that I may have to start another round of treatment. It brings on a feeling of uneasiness and hope at the same time. I hate not knowing what my future holds, yet I have so many things planned to do. All I want to hear is the word ‘remission.’ Is that so much to ask? The time between remission and a normal life is a distance I don’t understand. However, I plan on making the most of the time I have. This is the time you dream of things you have never done and now want to do. For example, parachuting, winter camping, traveling, etc. You don’t realize how important life is until you stuck waiting in the balance. Waiting for that life or death judgment. Waiting to see if you have more time or is your time running out!

Denial

I was once told that ‘Our eyes are the windows to our soul!’ Everything can be seen through your eyes. Everything can be seen through your eyes. It’s a form of body language. It’s amazing what an expression can have on a person. Shame, I believe is the most disabling. If we feel shame, we have that tendency to hide our true wants, needs, and desires. This removes hope from your life and gives you a sense of being lost or wondering what it’s all worth anyway. Our eyes can be portals to our emotions. If you’re feeling happy – your eyes will glisten. If you’re feeling sad your eyes will fill with tears. Sometimes it is hard to hide what you’re feeling because your eye will give you away. You wonder if the world could see through your eyes would they understand your fears, your joys, your pain, and your life. Could you express how far apart you feel from reality and how close to the end. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see!

Calamitous

We have natural coping mechanism. Most of us know which one they are and others still struggle to balance their lives. We also have the tendency to remember the negative times in our lives than we do the happier days. Sometimes it feels like life is just full of failure and regret, but this is not focus on hope and dreams. This is a very positive way to live because once those are gone we no longer care about those around us or even ourselves. This is why we come fully supplied with a ‘fight or flight’ system. In those desperate times what you choose to do determines the outcome or success of your illness. If you decide to fight, your chances of survival increase 100%.  If you chose to let nature takes its course, just remember there is nothing natural about cancer. Knowing this changes your odds of winning and it declines 100%. We must find that inward warrior and take up our swords and fight. In everything else, we fight to receive what we have. Don’t give up now!

Frustrated

As we live through our illness, we will come across a variety of mixed emotions. Joy and happiness are there because you only have three more treatments to go. Yet, sadness and grief can slide in and overwhelm you because you have become accustom t this life style and change is right around the corner. We have to concentrate on the positive emotions and things in our life. Don’t let yourself feel blotted out of everyday life. Be inspired to try something new. I know it’s exhausting to even think about but you are far too important to just wither up or close down. Start a journal and describe your emotions, then use a counter emotion to change the negative feeling and concentrate on how much better it is to feel good, to feel life, to know that you are almost there. Remember, you matter.

Left Out

During treatments you can feel suspended because you’re waiting for the cure or to find out what happens next. Cancer is a touch and go kind of illness. Either it’s cured or it becomes a life long chronic illness. To be successful one has to be consistent and not afraid to ask questions. Sometimes we remain quiet and not ask questions because we figure the Doctor’s know what they are doing. This is not always the case. Just like you always asking why, the doctor’s are asking the same questions. They have to go through a process of elimination. They have to figure out which treatment will be the most successful. To feel suspended means that you are feeling vulnerable and lift hanging. We want answers now, not three months from now. But there are times we have to wait for the results. When you begin to feel suspended or ignored, meditate or positive things. Put yourself in a healing mode and focus on being cured.

Captured

Cancer is like being in a fish bowl. It leaves you feeling exposed and trapped within an environment where everyone can see. It’s like your life is on display. You no longer have any privacy and your space is filled with the pressure of the world barring down on you. You swim around in circles, never making it anywhere. Knowing that there is a war going on in your body and physically you don’t know how to fight it. The treatments kill every living and deadly cell in your body making you feel like an empty shell (the fish bowl). Mentally your exhausted and all you can concentrate on is the pain (the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl) and it is debilitation because you’re not strong enough to fight or just don’t care to fight anymore. Spiritually, you’re hurt and don’t know anything other than pleading for your life. You can go to the top of your fish bowl for a small breath, but you still cannot get out. Gotcha!

Stable

Balancing a regular life and having cancer is very complicated and delicate. The things you want to do seem almost impossible and the things you don’t want to do you feel forced to do. Cancer doesn’t give you many choices. To balance the daily activities, such as work, cleaning house, even self care is like trying to balance on a line beam above the ground or having the ability to balance like a ballerina. It takes a lot of effort and energy. Yet, you must find the ability to master the art of balance.

You’re the one who has to take charge and make life what you want it to be. Find something to balance your fear, your anxiety, and your stress. This can be done by taking up a hobby, going on a trip, even finding ways to meditate and relax. We have the ability to make our own choices and being able to change the way we feel. We locate that inner balance from the center of our being.

Tranquil

Cancer has a way of separating you from the normal flow of life. It’s like living in a bubble. Though it is your own space, you still feel invaded. You view life around you as busy and steady, yet your life has slowed down dramatically. You want to feel safe in your bubble and separate yourself from your illness. Sometimes it just calls for ‘breathing.’ Cancer brings on feelings of confinement and restriction. It is almost like being put in a prison with no windows. What you need to do is relax and just breathe. Breathing is a good thing. Our bodies are designed to automatically breathe without us being aware of its actions. It brings oxygen to our blood cells and takes away the carbon dioxide that pollutes our system. Yet, when you take a deep breath, you fill your lungs with the life around you. Sometimes you just need to be alone so you can breath and meditate on your new life. A good thing to do is to go outside take a deep breath, feel the wind on your face and the warmth of the sun. Become one with your environment and just breathe.

Scornful

Life happens! No one knows exactly what their future holds. Of course, we can plan and hope that our lives will be full and successful. However, remember you are not the one in control. We may have goals and aspirations of what our life should be, but we need to understand that change can and will happen. So when being diagnosed with cancer it enters your life and tries to destroy everything we thought we could do. Now life changes and we have to adjust the way we live and come to the realization that life will never be the same. It’s like an unseen force that takes over and we become a shell of who we used to be. We can no longer interact with society and time feels fleeting. Yet, we need to remember and focus on the fact that we are still here; we are still alive and fighting for the right to survive. Though no one likes changes, sometime change is necessary. Not exactly because of cancer, but something to remind us that we should strive for a better life and never give up on our dreams. Maybe, even create new dreams. Cancer can either be a set back, a complete road block, or a reminder of how precious life really is.

Capable

My brother is very special to me. Though we don’t get to see each other often, he is always in my thoughts. When I got cancer, he cried. My heart was broken. I didn’t want him to worry or be sad. He is my pillar. His words sooth my pain. He always has a way to make me laugh. I remember, growing up and as young siblings we fought and had our issues, but as adults all is forgiven and the love we share is genuine. I truly love my brother. He supports me in everything I do and he gives me advice, or should I say he gives me his opinion. He helped me in more ways than he will ever know. He would drive four hours to come see me with his family. He would fix things around my house and he would comfort me with his affection. My brother is truly my best friend and I trust him with my life. If only words could honestly describe my affection, he would know how much he really means to me.

Joyful

Our bodies are amazing, especially our vascular system. The blood that runs through our veins is carrying life to every organ. When that system is threatened we become very ill. Cancer causes our blood to become deadly to our system – chemo kills everything including our red and white cells, but our bodies are strong enough to continue producing what is needed to survive. We all have five white blood cells: neutrophils, eosinophils, basophils, monocyte, and lymphocytes that help us battle any infection. They multiply and attach themselves to the cancer. However, during treatments we may have to take an immune boaster. This will help to defend our lives. It’s a miracle to know that even if we don’t have the physical strength to fight, our bodies continue to fight the battle and make sure that we have the inner strength to conquer cancer. We are made intricately perfect inside and out.

Terrified

When I was first diagnosed with cancer. I could not comprehend what the doctor was saying. It was as if I had no concept of the word cancer. It was not a part of my vocabulary. When I finally realized what was happening to my body. I was terrified. I felt lost and all alone. I feared that no one would be there because they would be afraid of me. Of course, my concepts were all incorrect and I had a wonderful support system. It was me that needed to come to terms with cancer. I knew the road to recovery would be long and brutal at times, yet I still knew I had no other choice than to survive. Though I was terrified by what my future held, I knew I had to find a way to remain positive and focus on my treatments and listen to what the doctors had to say – in a way they were my guide they held the map to my recovery. All I had to do was follow and remain positive.

Powerful

When we are at battle with cancer there are times we feel defeated. To empower ourselves we must fight. It is a difficult thing to do, but if we are determined to win – we will feel more powerful and have a sense of victory. Every scar, mental or physical, that cancer causes should be viewed more like battle wounds. We lived through it so they are our merit badges that prove what a warrior we truly are. When you feel like you have control you will be amazed what you can tolerate and live through. Our bodies are stronger than we realize and they can endure more than our minds can fathom. We just need to remain positive and give our bodies time to heal and adjust. Our will to live is more powerful than the thought of giving up. So be strong and give yourself credit for being able to with stand the enemy – cancer. We are meant to live and prosper.

Isolation

The road we travel is ours to choose even when we are sick. We have decision to make at every corner at every crossroad. Even though we have a choice doesn’t mean that it is an easy one. With cancer our lives feel like feathers floating in the wind. Casting in any direction the wind goes. Unfortunately, this can leave us feeling isolated and challenged. How do we know it will make a difference in our journey – will it help us or hinder us? Unfortunately, again these are also decision we have to make. When you have already planned out your life even the slightest change let alone cancer can destroy all hope and ambition. We must find a new direction one that will bring us pleasure and a new re-found sense of hope and accomplishment cancer is only a road block. If we don’t make the decision to travel around it we will flutter and loose our way.

Melancholy

Time goes by so fast! Each day we rise and finish our day. Sometimes there is not enough time in a day. Its when each day seems the same is when we need to invest in ourselves and find something more to do. We begin to feel melancholy as the seconds tick away. Cancer is like a clock that keeps track of our moments whether they are good or bad. In order to beat time we must plan ahead. This will give us something to look forward to. Take a class or go visit a friend, just get out of the house. Where time seems to deplete your ambitions. Treat each day as if it was brand new and you must explore its meaning. This will give you purpose and keep your mind off of cancer and focused on the life you are living. Live your life to the fullest; do not let cancer take away the time you have left.

Despair

Life itself is a challenge. We compete for jobs, love, money, and freedom. We piece together what we feel is the perfect life. When cancer enters our life we feel defeated and full of despair because everything we have strived for seems to be coming to an end. It’s almost like putting a puzzle together and finding that there are pieces missing. It’s very frustrating and we blame the game company for its lack of completion and competence. However, we must keep in mind that we are only responsible for ourselves. Though we did not want cancer, it happened – now we have to find another way to complete our goals in life. It may take a little longer, but if you stay focused and try – you will be amazed at what you can do. Cancer does not define who you are. It will only hold you back from what you want. Keep climbing to better feelings and emotions. Keep climbing to better your life. Just remember to keep steadfast – do not give up!

When first diagnosed with cancer it feels like your whole world fell underneath your feet. You worry about natural things like work, family, friends, bills, sex, and making it through. It’s almost like you have hit ‘rock bottom.’ My Father always told me that “When you hit the bottom, there is only one way to go, and that is back up.” Of course, the climb back up is hard and it feels like you’ll never reach the top, but each day is a new day of discovery. You may feel defeated or even tell yourself, “I can’t do it anymore.” Remember, you are the only one that matters to yourself. So if you give up, then it is only you that has failed. A rose cannot show its true beauty until it has climbed the terrace. You can be the same. Keep climbing and building your self esteem each day. One day you will bloom and prove that you were strong enough to make the journey.

Agony

Sometimes you have to detach yourself from your situation. Starting a hobby or finishing a project will take your mind off of your troubles because you are no longer thinking about your illness. It is agonizing enough to live with cancer that you do not want it to rule your entire being. Detaching involves pealing away the layers of pain that you can concentrate on other things. We are so complex that it may take a few tries, but remember there is beauty in this world along with happiness. In your world, maintaining a specific life style will also help you to relax and be yourself. Cancer is only an unwanted guest that showed up at the most inopportune time. Maintaining a regular life style will keep you feeling normal and in control of your own destiny. Don’t agonize over your illness! It will only cause more damage. Find the real you and take advantage of what you can do.

Displeasure

Cancer is a journey that everyone fears. Just like the changing of the seasons – your life is forever changed by its affects. Again, no one likes change. We feel displeasure when we are out of our comfort zone. We don’t know if the change will be permanent or if it’s just something we must endure for a season. This is the time to start viewing your life in a new light. If things have to change – make the changes you want. Plan out a new future and what you want to accomplish. Do not let cancer take away your opportunity to have freedom. Each of us go through stages in cancer treatment, but the one thing we have in common is the fear of death. We need to set our minds to positive change that will surround us with pleasure. It’s not easy to have to change things in your life, but sometimes it’s a necessity.

Comfortable

I love my bed! It’s the one place where I am completely comfortable. It engulfs my body and relaxes me. During my treatments for cancer, I found that I was sleeping a lot. My body needed the rest. I needed an escape. So my bed became my haven. Whenever I would lie down I would fill my thoughts with beautiful scenery and would meditate myself to sleep. Not only did sleep help my body to heal, it gave my mind a break. I didn’t have to worry. All I had to do was lay down and dream my worries away. This was my time out, my comfort zone, and my sanity. Still to this day if something bothers me or my body can’t take anymore, I will go and lie down and put my worries to rest. Everyone needs a comfort zone. Find something that takes your mind off your troubles and indulge in that activity. You will find that it eases your burdens and stabilizes your thoughts.

Harassed

Cancer completely stopped my current life style. I wasn’t given a choice. One day I am dancing the next day I am dying. The day I went to the hospital was the day my life changed forever. I was very upset and at times I still feel the harassment of change. I am not as strong as I used to be. I can no longer dance and I have to walk with a cane. Everything about who I was is gone. I had to reinvent myself. Sometimes I am left confused and angry. Other times I feel grateful and strong. There is not a day that goes by, I don’t feel empty and forgotten. I have to remember that my life was spared. Even though I have limitations, I know I can be successful as long a I know my life will continue cancer free. I don’t know if I could handle another battle. I don’t think my body would be strong enough.

Arousal

When a rock hits the water it sends ripples of water to the shore line. The same is true with cancer. Once it hits you, it sends ripples throughout your body and hits your bones like a blade. Yet, these ripples alert your system and give you the sensation of arousal because you finally realize how important your life is. There are other ripples in our lives and sometimes we notice them and sometimes we don’t, but we feel the affects none the less. Our lives can take a new direction, either consciously or unconsciously. Either way we were constructed to be able to with stand the waves in our lives. They may be heart retching but we are strong enough to handle the pain. We need to remember that life is but a stones throw and we are the water. We need to remain full of life and able to endure. The ripples only enhance the sensation of living.

Destructive

The heart is the strongest organ in your body. It pumps life into your veins and makes sure your body has enough energy to keep living. When your heart is threatened – your life hangs in the balance. Chemo treatments weaken your heart and leaves you open to several aliments. Not only do you have to worry about the cancer and treatments, you also have to worry about your immune system and heart failure. It’s a very destructive feeling and quite frightening. It leaves you with the feeling of being tormented by the thought of the loss of life. Now, what we can look forward to is a complete healing. Exercise for you heart like cardio vascular ones can help to keep your heart strong. We must protect ourselves from any more damage. Then we pray that the treatments work and we will be cancer free and have a second chance at life. Most of it depends on how strong we are as individuals.

Weary

We really don’t know what life has in store for us. We can plan all our activities and where we would like to be in 5 years, but the truth is, it is all left to chance. Planning is good because it keeps us focused on life itself. Yet, we are never prepared for disaster. We want to believe that life will go as planned and any thing that interferes, we can just dismiss. However, when cancer strikes your life – plans automatically change. No one likes change! We have to change our life styles and our daily plans. Nothing hurts more than knowing you are no longer capable of achieving your original goals. It makes you feel incomplete and isolated. The good thing is that you can set new goals and plan for a new future. It’s almost as if you were given a second chance. This time you want to live like there is no tomorrow.