#1 am rambles
I’m kind of considering suicide again
I’m kind of considering suicide again.
It’s not that I’m getting worse
I’m just not getting better
It’s been months, hell it feels like it’s been years
And it’s managed to remain a long
Empty
Numb
Tunnel.
It’s been a blank canvas set up on a easel
But never painted
A new google doc pulled up on a student’s laptop
But not started
A guitar with no strings
If it was going to get better would it not
Already be okay?
Or at least not as bad as it’s been
I find myself listening to “The night we meet”
And “The scientist”
Reminding me of how these feelings
Have been before
And just keep coming again
Why should I keep trying?
Why should I keep fucking trying?
I wake up
It’s the beginning of summer
Its 2011 and
Lil Wayne just dropped How to Love
A pile of girls untangle themselves
Half racing to cook eggs and the other to the bathroom
Somehow a lonely jar of Blue Magic and a broke rattail appear on the coffee table
We all will soon have our turns with it
My mama finally stopped bumping my ends
and I can have the half cornrows and crochet fro like Alicia Keys
Who is singing about her Teenage Love Affair with Antwone Fisher on my ol’ CD player
We show each other our dance routines and my mama laughs while my daddy rolls his eyes
He doesn’t understand!
We move just like Zendaya and Willow and Lil Mama and OMG Girlz and-
We finish getting ready for the day, it 11am and the bathroom counter and my dresser is a glossy mess of oil sheen, rubber bands, coco butter and vaseline
My big brother
who smell of Black & Milds and heavy gold rings
just bought me my first oversized graphic tee with a spray painted Betty Boop on it
I tuck that cool ass tee shit into my Jean short that hit just before my knee with red flowers stitched by me and auntie on the side
He drops off the gaggle of girls at the mall with a total of 30 dollars and says have fun,
he heads back to his apartment then Clint’s to get to work
We shoplifted big ass sunglasses from the Claire’s and bought a pack grape gloss and cotton candy body mist from the Beauty Supply store,
for a total of 6 dollars
We share
So we can look like RayRay or Roc girls
I’m a Princeton girl tho.
We just finish our slushies and corn dogs infront of the mall fountain when the rumble and sound of my brother comes down the street.
A Milli, bass boosted, blasting. We scramble in, backseat full
the skinny cousin on my lap,
the others giggling on the floor.
Back to my house, we gotta get ready. I hide the seam line between cornrows and false curls with a white bandana
I braid plastic neon colored extensions into my cousin box braids
One cousin hide the big gold hoops in her purse, next to a packet of tissues. We gonna put them on later
Because we are going to the skating ring
To scream our hearts out to How To Love as we speed on highlight colored wheels on the dingy roller floor
Holding hands between the six of us
And piss off the white kids
When the light turn back on and some country sound that I dont remember, but it sound patriotic plays.
It tells us to go home now, return your skates
We scramble into the back of daddy’s truck at 9 pm hopped up on
pop rocks and pickle juice and tacky light up pacifier necklaces
We are the girls they talking bout
Someone found a sharpie and now we are all tatted up
By 11pm we are scrubbed clean, heads wrapped in purple bonnets and black silk, sleepily drinking water, whispering over magazines and wishing we could wear pink wigs, sneak watching a censored Baby Boy on the tv.
Mama tells us cut that noise out.
It 2011
It’s the beginning of summer and
Lil Wayne just dropped How to Love
In the tangle pile of cousins on couch cushion, flat pillows and blankets
I go to sleep
